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‘Have you seen the new plumber?’
Ian looked up from the washing machine in front of him to see that his neighbour, Ellie, had sidled on up to him, leaning against another washer and grinning at him wickedly. ‘No, why?’
‘He is so sexy, oh my God,’ she sighed, practically melting against the washer. ‘My pipes were clogged and I called Fiona, and she sent in this new guy. And…like…I wanted him to unclog a whole other set of pipes by the time he was done.’
Ian screwed up his face as he shut the lid and started the washer. As he turned and leant up against it, he responded, ‘That’s a disgusting euphemism…and does it even make sense?’
Ellie shrugged. ‘Like I fucking care. Besides, I’m too dazzled to make good with the words. I swear, Ian, you have to meet him.’
‘He’s probably not even gay or bi or whatever, so what’s the point?’
‘Always so negative.’ Ellie hopped up on the washer, sending him a grin. ‘Even if he isn’t a peen queen—’
‘Did you just say fucking peen queen?’
‘—He would be good spank bank material,’ Ellie continued over Ian’s interruption, swinging her legs. ‘Why don’t you just get Fiona to find out if he’s gay?’
Ian sighed, rolling his eyes. ‘Fiona’s on this whole professional thing. Apparently being my landlord, she can’t give me any special treatment or whatever.’
Ellie’s eyebrows arched in shock. ‘Are you kidding me? Our whole capitalistic society was built on shameless nepotism!’
Shrugging, Ian said, ‘Point being: I’m not going out my way to see this dude. It’s 2016, who needs real spank bank material when there’s so much porn out there? If I want to see a sexy plumber, I just type it into google and bam — porn, porn, porn.’
They both vaguely registered an elderly woman in the corner shaking her head at them, but both ignored her.
‘All I’m saying is that seeing a sexy, real-life, porn-fantasy plumber come to life is…’ Ellie sighed dreamily. ‘…incredibly arousing.’
Ian snorted. ‘Jesus. Whatever, get your horny ass off the washer before you turn it on and try to take a ride.’
The elderly woman gasped and scowled at them as they exited the laundry room, laughing and sticking their tongues out at her. She tutted to herself as she continued to read her magazine. Millennials — they are the worst.
‘Ellie?’
‘Yeah?’
‘This plumber…is his only positive quality his looks or is he actually good at his job?’
‘He’s really good, why?’
‘I babysat Liam and…I think he broke my sink.’
‘Then why the hell are you calling me? Call Fiona, idiot.’
‘Fi?’
‘Yeah, what is it?’
‘I need you to send the plumber over. I think Liam broke the sink, because it’s completely clogged.’
‘Goddamn it, Liam! I swear, sometimes he’s worse than Carl was.’
‘And that’s saying something.’
‘Yeah. Anyway, I’ll send over the plumber soon.’
‘Thanks, Fi.’
‘Oh, and Ian?’
‘Yeah?’
‘Do me a favour.’
‘Yeah?’
‘Please don’t fuck him.’
Ian paced in front of his door, actually a little nervous for this mysterious plumber to arrive. If both Fiona and Ellie talked about him fucking him, then he must be really good looking. And Fiona warning him probably means she knows he’s gay, or at least bi or pan. Either way, he could be down to fuck. This didn’t mean that the dude would be interested in him, Ian knew, and also he promised Fiona he wouldn’t fuck him anyway, but he still couldn’t help but feel nervous.
Finally, there was a knock at the door and Ian waited a few seconds before he opened the door, hand trembling. As soon as the door revealed the man behind it, Ian wished he had never made Fiona that promise — or, better yet, that he’d just fixed the damn sink himself.
The guy was so fucking good-looking, looking up at him with those blue eyes, Ian didn’t hear a word that came out of his pretty mouth. After a few moments of Ian just blinking at the man, he snapped Ian out of his daze with a, ‘Dude, are you fuckin’ Gallagher or what?’
‘Ian,’ Ian responded, unable to think of any other words.
‘Yeah, Ian Gallagher, okay,’ Mickey said, reading off his clipboard before shoving his way into Ian’s apartment. He headed to the kitchen, almost immediately knowing the way since most of these apartments were very similar in their structure. ‘Says here you’ve got a clogged sink. So you need help draining the pipes, then?’
Ian gaped back at him, his mind completely turning that into something dirty before realising that this guy was, in fact, a plumber, and this was his job. ‘Ye-Yeah. Uh…my little brother…I think he might have shoved something down there.’
The guy nodded before turning around, putting down his toolbox, opening the sink doors, and getting on his knees. As he leant into the sink, hand groping around behind him for a tool, Ian almost melted to the floor.
The guy had the greatest ass in the world. His jeans were tight around it, showing off the perfect curves of hotness. Ian just about drooled.
Instead of being completely inappropriate, though, Ian said, ‘So, uh, what’s your name?’
‘Mickey. And we don’t need to do the whole small talk thing.’ He didn’t move from out under the sink.
Ian frowned slightly. ‘I kinda like small talk when someone’s in my place.’
Mickey let out a deep sigh from under the sink. ‘Fine, man, small talk to your heart’s content, then, just don’t expect me to fuckin’ contribute.’
Ian shrugged to himself before pulling himself up on the opposite counter, completely content in staring at Mickey’s ass as he worked. After a few minutes of Mickey grunting and working, and Ian sweating, he decided to ask, ‘So…what are you doin’?’
‘Fixin’ your fuckin’ sink, Gallagher; what does it look like?’
‘No, I mean, specifically. Maybe next time I could fix it myself if I knew.’
Mickey snorted in response. ‘Well, right now I’m just unclogging your pipes, but soon I’m going to fix your taps since they’re a little loose. That’s going to involve lubing up the O-ring.’
‘You’re what?’ Ian squeaked, not sure how to respond to that. ‘That’s a bit fucking forward, don’t you think?’
Mickey burst out laughing, hissing when he banged his head on a pipe. Pulling himself out, he rubbed his head and continued laughing at Ian’s stricken face. ‘Man, it’s like a special lube that creates a seal around the O-ring in your faucet valves. I wasn’t fuckin’ propositioning you, Gallagher.’
Ian cleared his throat awkwardly. ‘Oh…’ Ian decided to move right past that embarrassing moment and try for confident. ‘Does that mean it’s completely off the table, then?’
Mickey only grinned back at him before heading back under the sink. After a moment or two, he responded, ‘Maybe if you left me alone for two fuckin’ seconds, let me get my job done, we would know. I’m gettin’ kinda dirty after all, might need to have a shower after this. If you’d be so fuckin’ kind to let me borrow yours, there might be some more lubin’ goin’ on soon.’
Ian only grinned to himself before sending two texts — one for Ellie and one for Fiona.
[To Ellie]: You were right.
[To Fiona]: I’m going to have to break that promise.