Archive of Our Own

Finding the meeting was a complete accident. Buck had just been walking around, trying to clear his head. At first he’d just thought it was a normal bereavement group meeting. And since his latest attempt at a relationship was dead, he had actually died for a little while, and he was constantly dealing with life and death situations on the job, he figured it wasn’t a bad place to be. Except then the group leader stood up and started talking about their sister who was fighting colon cancer. And … actually, everyone who spoke was dealing with a family member or close friend who was fighting cancer or who had passed away from it. 

“Since this is your first meeting, you don’t have to share if you don’t want to.” The group leader, her name tag had ‘Carrie’ written on it, said. 

“I’m, uh,” Buck cleared his throat but took a breath and let it go, “I’m Buck. E- Evan Buckley. I don’t know how to really talk about it, but I think … I want to try.”

“Take your time.” Carrie said, all the others nodding encouragingly. 

“Right.” Buck nodded to himself. “Well, I only found out a few years back, actually. When- when I was 28. My sister was having a baby and decided she wanted our parents back in her life. I hadn’t- hadn’t talked to them since I left home at 18. I called, wrote post-cards and letters, but never got anything back. So I stopped when I was around 22. Um. Anyway, when she invited them out, they brought her baby box. I didn’t- I don’t- they never made one for me. But in hers there was this picture. It was a boy that was maybe six, riding a bike. The same one she taught me to ride on. She said he was her brother, which didn’t make sense to me, because as far as I knew it was always only the two of us. She … she told me his name was Daniel. The year after the picture was taken he … he was diagnosed with juvenile leukemia. He- they tried the usual treatments, but it was the late 80s.” 

“Not a great time for cancer treatments for kids.” A guy muttered, shaking his head sadly.

“She told me they all did testing, her, mom, dad, to see if they could donate marrow or whatever.” Buck nodded. “None of them were a match, though. So- so, I mean, the only reason I was even born was because he was sick.”

“Oh honey.” Carrie said sadly, the rest of the group looking saddened by it, too. Because of course they already knew.

“And- and- and I don’t even know how to feel about it.” Buck shook his head, hating that he was getting emotional, let alone with sympathetic strangers. “I don’t. I’ve talked to my therapist, but it just- I don’t know. My family won’t even say his name. My parents act like I’m being unreasonable when I try to ask about him. He died before I was even two, because the surgery, the transplant, whatever they were doing didn’t work. They have- they all blamed me. They may argue the point, or tell me I’m exaggerating or blowing it out of proportion, but it’s still true. They have blamed me for him dying my entire life. I’ve known for two years that I had a brother I was born to save and failed. And I don’t know what to do with it.”

“That’s fucked up.” The guy from before stated, making Buck snort and smile as he wiped his face. “Our very own Anna Fitzgerald in the room. Sorry you went through that, kid.”

“It’s a lot to carry around.” Another woman said sadly. “I matched my cousin, I donated, willingly, and I still struggle with them not making it more than a year after the transplant.”

“It’s hard when it’s kids.” Another man said quietly. “I could barely get myself to leave my daughter’s room when she was in treatment, before she went into remission. But she’s my only kid. Sounds like your parents should have found these meetings when you were little. What is it you do now?”

“I’m a firefighter.” Buck cleared his throat. “So I just … since I learned what happened, I’ve sort of been just … trying to save as many lives as I can.”

“Thank you for sharing, Buck. It was really brave to tell a group of strangers something so personal.” Carrie said with a small smile. “Whether we are struggling with the treatment process, or grieving a loss, or trying to accept a remission diagnosis for the blessing it is, having a support system is incredibly relieving. That’s all we have time for today, but please feel free to talk amongst each other if you want.”

“Wanna get a crappy coffee?” The man who had spoken more after Buck did, offered when they all stood up. His name tag said Lewis. “Think you might need the company and I usually need a little time to wind down when these are over.”

“There’s a diner around the corner.” Another woman, Tandy, according to her tag, said. 

“I, uh, on- only if you aren’t busy?” Buck said hesitantly. “I don’t- you don’t have-”

“We want to.” Lewis said gently. “You may not have come here on purpose, but you still deserve support. Doesn’t matter if it’s been a day or 20 years or more. The fear and emotional turmoil we go through during everything doesn’t just go away. It’s been ten years since my little girl was diagnosed and she’s been in remission for the past seven. I still wake up every day afraid to get the call that she’s back in that bed, that they missed something and she isn’t actually off to college.”

“Sure.” Buck nodded, swallowing thickly. “I’d- I’d like that.”

“Good.” Lewis patted his arm and then a few from the group followed them out and down to the diner. Buck recognized it as one that Athena had talked about occasionally. Hen, too. He really hoped he didn’t run into them right now. He wasn’t in the mood to pretend to be ok.

It was … really nice, actually. To sit and talk with so many other people who were affected by cancer to some degree. Even just sharing his confusion about being kept in the dark. They exchanged numbers and suddenly Buck had a whole new support system for dealing with his familial concerns. Things he couldn’t talk about to Maddie because she was too close to everything. He made sure he wasn’t scheduled during the meeting times, knowing to his bones that he needed this. He was wondering if this was how Bobby felt about the meetings he went to. Like they were his sort of lifeline. Because they were starting to feel that way. Even after he’d only gone to them for two weeks. 

“Things must be going well.” Hen said with a teasing smile when they were on shift one day. 

“Huh?” Buck frowned and locked his phone.

“Natalia’s texting you an awful lot.” She gestured to his phone.

“Oh, this isn’t her.” Buck snorted. “That only lasted like two weeks. We’ve been over for at least a month.”

“What?” Eddie asked, drawing his attention. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“About what?” Buck frowned. “I went on a handful of dates with her. That’s it. I never even introduced her to any of you as my girlfriend, because we never got that far. It’s not a big deal.”

“It’s not like you to keep your dating life to yourself.” Chimney arched an eyebrow at him. “So who are you and what have you done with Buck?”

“Maybe I’m just realizing that my dating life has no relevance to my work life.” Buck pointed out, stuffing his phone back in his pocket. “I asked for advice once, and I’m not doing that again.”

“What? Why not?” Hen asked, looking hurt.

“How long have you and Karen been together?” Buck asked.

“Over ten years.” Hen frowned. 

“And how long have you and Maddie been together?” Buck looked at Chimney.

“Four years, give or take.” Chimney frowned.

“And Bobby and Athena have been together for five or six. Eddie was with Shannon for years, even before she left them. You’ve all had long term relationships. The longest relationship I’ve ever had is maybe 10 months. I’m not asking for advice from people who are in long term relationships, or have been.” Buck stated. “I’m not dating right now, and I don’t plan to be unless it just happens.”

“So who has you glued to your phone?” Eddie asked, looking grumpy.

“Just some friends.” Buck shrugged.

“All your friends are here.” Hen gestured to them.

“And … and you don’t see the problem with that?” Buck looked at them. “The only friends I have are here at the firehouse, I’m not dating anyone, so, what? I can’t make new friends? Each of you has a family outside of here. Friends. I’m allowed to have the same.”

“We’re not saying you can’t, Buckeroo.” Chimney said gently. “We’re just checking in because you haven’t been yourself lately. You’ve been keeping to yourself, you haven’t been texting the shift group chat random info or memes, it’s just … weird. We’re not used to it, and we want to make sure you’re doing ok.”

“I’m good.” Buck shrugged. “I’m working on some things, so stop worrying about me.”

They mostly dropped it after that. Mostly. Eddie didn’t look happy whenever Buck was on his phone, but he didn’t make it an issue, either. Talking with the people he was talking to, he realized he was putting a lot on everyone he worked with. Yeah, they were his friends, people he considered family, but he was telling them things that happened and waiting for them to offer advice or comfort when they weren’t familiar with what he was talking about. Having a bigger, more diverse group of people to talk to actually helped him understand things more. Granted they also spammed him to get tested for ADD constantly, too. He eventually caved and got evaluated. He grumbled to himself when he got the results and suddenly had a few different medications he was meant to take. He was put on Adderall, another med for his anxiety, and even given a prescription for medical marijuana to help with his chronic pain in his leg. Something he never told anyone about, but somehow the psychologist he’d seen could tell and talked with his regular doc who shook their head at Buck for never mentioning it before writing the prescription. 

“Buck?” Buck looked up and saw Ravi looking at him in confusion. “What, uh, what are you doing here?”

“I’ve been coming here for a month and a half.” Buck shrugged. “What about you? Haven’t seen you in before.”

“Oh, a friend recommended this group.” Ravi shrugged. “I’m fine, I’ve- I’ve had years to come to terms with what I went through, but, well. A cousin was recently diagnosed and my friend said I was spiraling.”

“Sorry to hear that.” Buck said sincerely. “Come on in and have a seat.”

“Who’s this?” Lewis asked curiously, looking at Ravi. “You didn’t bring a date, did you?”

“God no.” Buck snorted at Ravi’s horrified expression. “No, Ravi was the probie I helped train once upon a time. Ravi, this is Lewis, Lewis, Ravi.”

“Nice to meet you.” Lewis grunted. “Well. All things considered.”

“Yeah.” Ravi chuckled. “Yeah, that’s about right.”

“Alright, let’s get started.” Carrie said, taking her seat as everyone found their way over to the empty chairs as well. 

Ravi mostly sat back and listened. He kept looking at Buck when Buck finally spoke up. Because the meetings had been helping, but he had also been doing research into who Daniel was without his family knowing about it. Honestly, having Ravi there was actually making it easier for Buck to open up. Even when he let it slip that he’d gotten diagnosed for a few things and was learning how to adjust. Nearly everyone there had been on some sort of anti-depressant or anxiety med at some point. Some still were. Ravi even joined them for a post-meeting coffee. But then it was just the two of them standing in the parking lot after everyone else had waved them off and headed to their homes.

“So.” Ravi said with a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Especially on your own.”

“Yeah. Me too.” Buck nodded. “But the group helps. Even if I found it accidentally.”

“They seem like good people.” Ravi grinned. “Made me feel like this … this won’t be so bad. Dealing with it. Emotionally.”

“Having a support system is important.” Buck agreed. “I’ve only been coming for a month and a half, but it’s … it’s been really helpful.”

“Well, if you ever want to talk, and maybe have to miss a meeting, I’m there.” Ravi offered. “I know we’re not going through the same things, and I know you have this connection with everyone here, but, still.”

“I’ll keep it in mind.” Buck smiled. “Thanks for taking care of yourself. Before it got to be too much, I mean. I’ll see ya at work.”

“See ya.” Ravi waved him off and turned to go to his car. But he turned right back around and gave Buck a tight hug before actually leaving. 

After that, Ravi was pretty much glued to his side when they were at work. He also made Buck update his personnel file to list his current medications since Buck had actually forgotten about doing that. But since Ravi was on a new anxiety med, he had to update his, and had correctly guessed that Buck hadn’t done that part. Bobby looked surprised but smiled proudly at Buck for at least three days straight. He even had Buck helping him in the kitchen more frequently. He asked, he didn’t expect Buck to just be there, he asked and offered him the choice so he knew that Bobby was happy to include him. It was really great. Buck hadn’t been asked to do much in a while. People usually just expected him to be part of things, but they hadn’t asked him. 

After the whole near-disaster with the cruise ship and epic fail of a delayed honeymoon, Buck was barely willing to let Bobby out of his sight. So Buck was over with Bobby and Athena for dinner at least twice a week for three weeks before his anxiety came back down to a more normal level. Ravi smacked him over the head when they went to their first meeting after the whole ordeal. Telling him he was an idiot and not to scare him like that again. When they were all leaving, heading to the diner, Buck was surprised to see Bobby leaving a meeting from another room. 

“My usual meeting space had a water pipe burst.” Bobby shrugged. “So I branched out. Mind if I join you for your post-meeting coffee?”

“Uh, no, not at all.” Buck shrugged. “So-”

“Buck.” Bobby cut him off gently. “You don’t have to explain. Neither do you, Ravi.”

“Wasn’t going to.” Ravi chuckled. 

“Good. Your meetings are your business.” Bobby assured them. 

“How do you know Buck and Ravi?” Tandy asked curiously as they reached the diner.

“I’m their captain.” Bobby grinned. “Buck was one of the first probie’s I got when I transferred out here from Minnesota.”

“Why didn’t you suggest Buck, or either of them, come to meetings before?” Lewis asked.

“I was determined to treat work as it was. Just work.” Bobby sighed. “I also know that Buck only listens to advice that he understands and wants to hear. I’ve suggested bereavement support in the past, but I didn’t want to push into a family matter. And that’s what Daniel is.”

“I don’t think I’d have come if you’d have suggested it.” Buck scrunched his face up. “Wandering in on accident and hearing everyone else’s stories without any pressure was what really helped, I think.”

“You’re growin’ up on me, kid.” Bobby said, patting his shoulder. “Now that I know this is why you don’t want scheduled for this time frame, I will do what I can to keep it free for you. However, if we are on shift, for whatever reason, I will try to let you and Ravi loose for an hour or two to come.”

“The kid’s grown on us, so we’d appreciate it.” Lewis grinned. “He’s made good progress. I think having him there has helped some of the rest of us heal, too.”

“It’s weird that we have this connection.” Ravi said, nodding along. “But it’s nice to know someone else understands it. At least to a degree.”

“Don’t forget, Athena is making dinner tomorrow night.” Bobby pointed at Buck. “But I’m gonna head out for now. One coffee was plenty for me. I’ll see you boys at work, and it was nice briefly meeting all of you.”

“See ya, pops.” Buck smiled and waved as Bobby chuckled and left them alone. 

“Who’s Athena?” Tandy asked curiously.

“His wife.” Buck pulled his phone out and showed them a picture of him with Bobby and Athena. “They’re … they’re kinda filling the space my parents were always meant to fill. I know my actual parents are still alive and everything, but … I don’t know. Something about Bobby and Athena makes me feel like I belong, like I’m part of the family.”

“How one person can have so many attractive friends will remain a mystery to me.” Tandy shook her head, passing the phone back. 

Everyone laughed or smiled and Buck shrugged. It was true. There were a lot of pretty people at the 118. Even the spouses were pretty. Ravi came over to Buck’s loft when they were done so they could play video games and actually swear without fear a kid would hear and repeat it. And neither of them were really ready to be alone because Ravi’s cousin wasn’t doing so great, and Buck had discovered that even the helmet he’d worn skateboarding when he was a kid had been Daniel’s. So everything he had up until he was eight had belonged to his big brother. It was a lot to deal with. 

“Hey, can I ask a favor?” Eddie asked when Buck had stopped by to see them before his meeting one day.

“What kind of favor?” Buck tilted his head. He was pretty sure he’d told Eddie a little about favors he’d done for random people before, so this could really be anything. 

“Oh my god.” Eddie laughed, losing his anxious demeanor. “Nothing like that, asshole. Look, I just … I started seeing a new therapist, but my meeting that was supposed to be tomorrow was moved to this afternoon. Can Chris hang out with you while I go?”

“You don’t mind me taking him anywhere, right?” Buck asked cautiously.

“Buck, you know I trust you.” Eddie said in slight exasperation. 

“Ok, sure. Um, what- what are you- never mind.” Buck shook his head.

“You can ask.” Eddie said quietly. “I just don’t have a good answer. I’m working through some things that … honestly they’re things I thought I’d gotten over. From when I was a kid. I promise I’ll talk to you once I sort things out in my head.”

“Only if you want to.” Buck argued. “I don’t want you to think you have to-”

“Buck.” Eddie cut him off gently, smiling at his rambling. “I will. I just want to work through things a bit more, then I’ll be able to talk. Seriously. If you need me to pick Chris up or if he’s alright to sleep on your couch, just let me know and we’ll do the swap tomorrow. You can text Pepa or Carla so either they can pick him up before shift or be ready for you to drop him off beforehand.”

“Why don’t I keep him tonight so you have time to work through the post-therapy mood shit?” Buck offered. “Therapy always hits you hard, so take the time tonight to just unwind and come down without having to worry about a teenager. I’ve got Chris.”

“Thanks.” Eddie said gratefully. “Christopher! Pack a bag so you can stay with Buck tonight.”

“Really?” Chris called back, sounding excited. 

“Really.” Buck and Eddie responded, smiling as they heard Chris scramble to pack a bag in his room. 

“We’ll call when he’s goin’ to bed.” Buck offered. “But call Bobby or whoever if you think you need someone to keep you company while you recover.”

“I already told Bobby what was going on, so I will not be surprised if he’s here when I get done.” Eddie nodded. “Thanks, Buck. Have a good night, both of you, and I’ll see you later, mijo.”

“Bye dad.” Chris rolled his eyes when his dad hugged him and kissed his head. 

“See ya, Eds.” Buck waved as he headed for the door behind Chris who was already halfway to the jeep. 

“I probably should have asked why I’m staying with you, huh?” Chris asked when they’d been driving for a little while. 

“You don’t know?” Buck asked curiously.

“I mean, I know dad’s in therapy again, I get that it’s probably to do with that. But with everything else, he’s usually trying to get me to spend time with his girlfriend.” Chris shrugged. “I’ve missed getting to hang out with you.”

“Well, we’re going to be going somewhere this afternoon that your dad doesn’t actually know about.” Buck admitted hesitantly. “You can talk to him about it if you want, but only two people know what I’m doing.”

“I’m not gonna tell dad unless he needs to know.” Chris snorted. Buck chuckled and shook his head as they drove. He went straight to his meeting place and Chris didn’t ask anything as they went inside the room that had ‘Family of Cancer Support Group’ on the wall. 

“Hey, Chris!” Ravi said, smiling as he spotted them. 

“Hey, Ravi.” Chris chuckled. “Sorry to crash the party.”

“You’re not crashing.” Buck laughed. “You’re just along for the ride for an hour.”

“Who’s this?” Lewis asked, smiling at Chris.

“This is Christopher. Chris, this is Lewis.” Buck introduced.

“Nice to meet you. So. Dad couldn’t get a sitter and made you come along to hear boring adults talk about feelings, huh?” Lewis chuckled.

“Nah, dad has therapy so he pawned me off to other dad who is apparently hiding that he’s getting grief support, FINALLY, for learning about Daniel.” Chris said in a very unimpressed tone. Lewis cracked up, actually a few people did. 

“Yeah, yeah, but I’m here, I’ve been coming for a couple months now, things are getting better.” Buck rolled his eyes. “We’re going to the diner after, so try not to be too much of a brat and maybe I’ll let you get a large milkshake instead of the small one.”

“My lips are sealed.” Chris mimed zipping his lips as Ravi cracked up and sat down on Chris’ other side since he sat next to Buck. 

There were a few updates for a few people, and that was good news. The people they were getting support for were getting better. Even Ravi’s cousin had taken a turn and things were starting to look good. Buck was just stuck on why he couldn’t be honest with his sister and tell her that he didn’t want anything to do with their parents for lying to him for so long. He’d even brought Daniel up once, and Maddie had almost entirely shut down. 

“Can I say anything?” Chris asked cautiously.

“Sure, buddy.” Buck encouraged. 

“Well, I never lost anyone to cancer, but … but I still lost my mom.” Chris said carefully.

“How old were you?” Lewis asked gently.

“I was seven.” Chris shrugged. “Almost eight. The thing is she … she left me way before she died. When dad was discharged from the Army, she left us. I was four or five, I think. And … and I didn’t see her for two years. It was weird, though. I remember wanting to see her again, to have her back so bad that I even wished for her at Christmas. But she was different. When she came back. It was like she didn’t know how to act with me and dad anymore. And then that stupid car hit her and she was just … she was gone. She came back for like five months after two years of silence and then she was gone forever. Some days I miss her so much it hurts. Some days I get so sad because I forgot the lullabye she used to sing to me, or how her voice sounded. I know it’s not the same as cancer, but it still sucks.”

“It does.” Lewis snorted wetly, wiping his face. “You’re a brave kid, being able to talk about her.”

“Dad always looks so sad when I ask about her.” Chris shrugged. “Buck is the one who takes me to see her when dad can’t. To talk to her headstone. I still miss her a lot. I do. But … but Buck was the one who stuck with me. Who never gave up on me. Who chose me.”

“Chris.” Buck’s throat felt tight.

“You are. When we were in that tsunami, you kept me safe. You found me and kept me safe and held onto me all day. And you have done that for half my life almost. I just … I feel so mangled up inside some days because I have you, I got to keep you, but she was always trying to leave. You wanted me. And it’s hard to admit because I know you want me more than she ever did.” Chris sniffled.

“It’s ok, buddy.” Buck hugged Chris and let the kid bury his face in Buck’s shoulder so no one could see him cry. “It’s ok to miss her and still be mad at her.”

“I do.” Chris sniffled again. “I miss her but I’m mad.”

“I don’t know if I miss Daniel or just … the childhood I could have had if he’d survived.” Buck nodded, kissing Chris’ head. “And I’m mad I’ll never be able to know the difference.”

“Anger is part of the grieving process.” Carrie said quietly. “Don’t try to pretend you aren’t feeling it. Thank you for sharing, Christopher.”

“I’m getting a large milkshake.” Chris huffed, moving so he could sit beside Buck instead of resting against his chest. Ravi handed him a kleenex so he could wipe his face. A few people chuckled at his remark, but they all seemed to be lighter after. Even Buck felt lighter somehow. 

When they got to the diner, everyone got milkshakes instead of their usual coffees. But then Chris started blabbing about the things he and Buck had done together. Even Ravi was pitching in unhelpfully. By the end, literally everyone thought Buck and Eddie were either a separated couple sharing custody of their kid, or they were married and hadn’t felt comfortable talking about the complicated things which was why they were doing secretive therapy. Buck just knew that it was going to be gossip spread to the other shifts in the firehouse in no time. Ravi loved fanning the fire of anything to do with Buck and Eddie. Granted, Buck also hadn’t tried that hard to deter them. He honestly didn’t care. He was done trying to justify or clarify his and Eddie’s relationship. 

Ravi asked if they wanted him to come over, so long as Chris didn’t snitch on how much he and Buck cursed. Chris laughed pretty hard and said he didn’t care, so Ravi came over and they cussed out another video game that was … probably not something Chris should have been around. It was one he and Eddie had said Chris couldn’t play because of all the gore, but he technically wasn’t playing. Just … watching. 

Eddie still looked worn down when they called to tell him goodnight. Except then he was frowning and asking where they were, so Buck had to get up and show Eddie the new couch he’d gotten specifically for when Chris stayed over since it folded out into a bed. It was just a full size, so it wasn’t big enough for more than one person, not really. When Buck looked back at the camera once he sat down by Chris again, Eddie was wiping a hand over his face. And when Eddie thanked him, it felt like he was saying more than just thank you. It made Buck’s cheeks go annoyingly, obviously pink. Chris broke the moment by grabbing Buck’s head and smacking a loud kiss on his forehead. Buck laughed, then Eddie was laughing, and then Buck was tickling Chris to make him laugh, too. 

Carla knocked on his door in the morning, and Chris made him agree to take him to the group meetings every other week so he could check in. But he wanted to wait at least another week or two to go again because he felt like he’d reopened everything he thought he was past. Not in a bad way, just in a way that he could maybe actually finally accept what happened. Carla had just sipped her coffee that Buck had gotten for her and smiled over the cup at them. She didn’t question him, just gave him a tight hug before taking Chris to school for the day. 

When he got to work, Ravi gave him a hug before walking into the locker room with him. Everyone had sort of been hovering around, trying to figure out what got them so close, but neither one of them were going to talk. It was their thing, or things, to work through. It was their grief to share or not share. And Buck had tried sharing at one point and didn’t feel like trying again or being rebuffed by empty words and placations. He supposed, in hindsight, he really should have remembered that Maddie and Chimney’s wedding was coming up. He’d been ignoring it, subconsciously, because that meant his family would all be around. There were only two more weeks left before the event, and Buck just … wasn’t looking forward to it. He wasn’t dreading it, but he wasn’t excited for it either. Which made him feel bad, because he was happy that his sister and his friend were happy in their relationship. He just also hated how they used him against each other or put him in the middle of things constantly. 

He should have expected his sister would track him down once their parents were in the city for the event. But he’d hoped to have some warning or something since they never talked to him. Chris was with him again, and he wanted to see everyone again and keep showing Buck he supported him. Eddie was taking therapy seriously, way more than when he was dealing with his PTSD, because he was requesting time off or switching shifts if he wasn’t recovered enough to work the day after. It meant Chris really was bouncing between them, though. Because Buck didn’t want Eddie to be stressed or worried about what Chris was doing when he was trying to come out of his head and emotional distress. 

“You shouldn’t be here.” Buck said, walking past his sister as he and Chris headed into the center.

“You aren’t answering my texts and I’m not going to bother you at work.” Maddie huffed, their parents trailing after them in annoyance. “This is the only time I could find you to ask you to have dinner with us. Or lunch. BEFORE the wedding.”

“No.” Buck said gently. “I’m not doing it. You are free to have whatever meals you want with them, but I’m not. Please, leave me alone. I’m here for a meeting.”

“What meeting?” Maddie frowned, but then her eyes went wide as she spotted the sign by the door and she stopped following him. 

“I’ll be done in an hour if you still think we need to talk.” Buck said over his shoulder, heading for his usual seat. This time, though, Chris and Ravi sat on either side of him, both watching the door. Maddie and their parents were still standing out there, and Buck could hear some quiet, frantic argument happening. 

“You’re welcome to come in.” Carrie said, looking out the door before she sat down.

“We’ll just wait for Buck.” Maddie said in a slightly strangled tone.

“Who’re they?” Lewis asked, looking at Buck but nodding his head toward the door.

“The reason I’m here.” Buck said quietly. “My sister is getting married in a few days, and our parents are in the city, but I haven’t wanted to talk lately, so she followed me on our shared app and brought them with her. They can wait.”

“They won’t come in?” Tandy frowned as she looked at the doorway, but his sister and parents had moved away from it. 

“Alright, I guess I’ll go first today,” Buck sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I’ve done my own research into Daniel, because I can’t get any information about who he was out of my family. I brought his name up once about a month ago, and my sister literally froze in place before changing the subject. I know looking into him so much isn’t really healthy, so I’ve pretty much stopped. Mostly. I just can’t stop wondering about him, ya know? Like, if we liked or disliked the same things. I’m trying to figure out if I could plan a trip back east, to visit his grave and just … let it go. I want to let it go so badly.”

“Letting go is the hardest part.” Carrie said gently. 

“I’m not even mad at them anymore.” Buck chuckled. “I just … I want them to be able to accept what happened without looking at me with pity or annoyance. I don’t even care if they look at me like the stranger I am to them, but I just want it to be something honest. If they hate me for surviving and him dying, fine. At least it’s honest. If they just don’t like me or are mad at me for surviving when he didn’t, again, fine. I apologized to them, years ago, because that was what they needed to hear. I apologized for them not getting to see him grow up, even though it wasn’t my fault. I know that, I’ve accepted that. I just … I want them to do the same. Because until they do, until they’ve been able to accept and tell me that it wasn’t my fault, then I want no part in that relationship. It’s … it’s bad for me. And I don’t deserve to continuously feel the very conditional love they may have for me.”

“Fuck yeah.” Chris pumped an arm in the air, making everyone laugh and Buck shake his head and laugh a little despite the fact he’d cussed. “They say anything to hurt your feelings again or make themselves feel better, I’ll use the fun Spanish I learned that dad always tries to say under his breath when he thinks I can’t hear him.”

“Nobody gets to make our Buck feel bad for surviving, right kid?” Ravi added with a grin.

“Nope.” Chris nodded certainly. 

Honestly, the rest of the meeting felt pretty good. No matter what happened, his sister finally knew what he was doing. He’d tried including her in his grief support system, she’d just chosen to not be part of it. As Buck expected, when they were done and going to their usual post-meeting coffee, his parents and sister were gone. So they got their coffee and a milkshake and fries for Chris before heading back to the Diaz house. Mostly because Buck didn’t want to see if his sister was waiting for him at his apartment. Eddie seemed surprised to see them but still smiled from his spot on the couch as they walked in. They didn’t say anything, just sat together before Buck whipped up something quick for dinner and sent both Diaz boys through showers and into comfy clothes. Buck went through when they were done. He made sure to tell Chris goodnight, and Chris mumbled that he was proud of Buck. Then it was just Buck and Eddie. 

“What made you come here?” Eddie asked curiously. “Thought you were doing your nights at the loft.”

“Yeah, well, my sister sort of followed us today.” Buck sighed, sinking further into the couch.

“Did she forget that it was your afternoon with Chris?” Eddie frowned. “Literally everyone at work knows we have a schedule of him between us because Chimney likes to give me crap about it.”

“I don’t even know if she’s paid attention to that at this point.” Buck shrugged. “I haven’t really talked to her much if it wasn’t about general things. She kept texting and asking about when we could get together with our parents and I’ve just … I’m tired of it. I already told her, at least two months ago, that I’m done with our parents. I told her that for my own mental health I was done with them. I’m tired of playing nice just so she has what she wants when it’s hurting me so much.”

“Good.” Eddie grumbled. He looked so grumpy that Buck couldn’t help the small laugh that came out. It was just so much like Christopher.

“I’m still expecting her to stage some sort of family emergency intervention type thing.” Buck commented, still grinning at Eddie. “You know there are only three people who actually know what I’ve been doing in my afternoons the days I have Chris?”

“Bobby, Chris, and who else?” Eddie frowned. “Maybe Ravi? He’s been … closer to you than he used to be.”

“Yeah.” Buck nodded. “Ravi actually knew before anyone else because he’s doing the same thing. Bobby ran into us when we were done.”

“I know it has something to do with grief support.” Eddie hummed. “And … I’m thankful you have taken Chris with you. I just don’t know how to talk to him about his mom.”

“That’s because she wasn’t just Chris’ mom, Eds.” Buck said gently. “She was also your wife. No matter what you guys were going through, she was your partner at one point. And you never got the chance to grieve for her on your own.”

“I’m … working on it.” Eddie admitted. “It’s a lot of sorting through what was real and what I might have imagined from when I was a kid. The therapist I’m seeing, she said even if I imagined it, the feelings that I remember are real. Mom and dad … they hated how I’d never had a girlfriend and never went girl crazy like they’d expected. I just wasn’t ever interested. I didn’t care about dating or hooking up.”

“Nothing wrong with that.” Buck encouraged gently.

“I know.” Eddie snorted. “You slept around, I married the first girl I slept with because we somehow made a kid. If I was even kind of like you, I know they still would have been disappointed in me.”

“I mean, everyone’s always been disappointed in me to a degree.” Buck wobbled his head. 

“They weren’t disappointed, they just wanted you to find someone who appreciated you, not use you.” Eddie argued. “I cared about Shannon, and I hate that things were still … unfinished between us. I hate that I’ll never get that closure. And I really fucking hate that there’s such a thing as compulsory heterosexuality.”

“Compulsory what now?” Buck sat up a bit more.

“Compulsory heterosexuality.” Eddie said in such a defeated tone it made Buck’s heart hurt. “It’s basically pressure from society to be in what are deemed appropriate heterosexual relationships. Familial and societal pressures that convince you what is considered an appropriate relationship. Meaning heterosexual. Meaning anything else would be shunned or shamed so badly, that in order to protect themself, the person would fall in line with the accepted norm, consciously or subconsciously. Like internalized homophobia, in a sense, but only directed at themself, not other people.”

“Is … is that what happened to you?” Buck asked carefully. “If so, I’m so sorry you went through that, and it really makes me want to yell at your parents.”

“I know.” Eddie laughed, so that was a good sign. “I’ve had several conversations with them, some with my therapist there, and just … it makes so much god damn sense, Buck. Shannon became my best friend before we were pressured to get married by our families. Just because it was the ‘right’ thing to do. We could have had Chris and jointly parented him without all the added stress. So much crap in my life could have been different if we weren’t pressured into what the normal relationship standard was.”

“So have you …” Buck frowned and put his hands on his face. “Never mind.”

“I have.” Eddie said quietly. “Well, I haven’t done anything, but I’ve … I’ve thought about it. About relationships with … with someone that wasn’t the norm for what I grew up with. About labels. All that crap.”

“So how’s … how’s that working with- with Marisol?” 

“Well, when I told her that there was a word for what I was experiencing, she was actually really interested in it. She wasn’t happy about us breaking up, she’d managed to fall in love with the version of me that I was with her, but she accepted it. Said she was going to look into what I was talking about, what I learned from my therapist. She texted me a few book recommendations the other day and told me one of the characters reminded her of me. So I’m … I’m working on accepting it and hopefully one day being able to say it all out loud.”

“I’m hugging you.” Buck huffed after trying to keep his hands to himself for a minute and pulled Eddie over and into his arms. Not that Eddie fought him. Eddie just snickered and leaned into Buck. “I’m proud of you. For working through it. For putting in so much work to be able to accept yourself.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Eddie grumbled, but he still snaked his arms around Buck and hugged him back. “Wanna crash here tonight or head back to the loft?”

“Should probably head back, but I know you’ll still be groggy in the morning. So I’m more than happy to take over your couch.”

“You can share the bed, Buck.” Eddie snorted. “We shared for several months at one point. So unless you think I’ll give you cooties-”

“What are you, five?” Buck laughed, jostling Eddie who was still holding onto him. “I don’t mind sharing. But I also snore and toss and turn a lot.”

“I’m aware.” Eddie chuckled. “Let’s go to bed, then, because I’m exhausted and I’m pretty sure I can convince you to play with my hair until I fall asleep.”

“Fuck yeah I will.” Buck agreed, making Eddie laugh again. 

Buck helped Eddie get to the room, even if he didn’t actually need to do that, but he was feeling overprotective and wanted to take care of Eddie. It was like his brain was screaming at him to do it since Eddie had actually been able to say anything out loud. And when the universe screamed, Buck listened. And right now it said he had to play with his best friend’s hair until he could sleep peacefully. He hadn’t anticipated how comfortable it would be to lay in Eddie’s bed, for Eddie to scooch over until he was resting on Buck’s chest, and run his hands carefully through Eddie’s incredibly soft hair. It was so comfortable, that Buck fell asleep with his hand still tangled in Eddie’s hair and the other on his waist. 

They made it until the night before the wedding before Maddie cornered him. It was only two days later, but it was longer than he expected. Buck was actually expecting that Hen and Chimney would both be gone because of a bachelor party, but they were both there, in Bobby and Athena’s backyard. Everyone looked a little confused, at least until Maddie and Buck’s parents were there. Chris, Eddie, Bobby, and Ravi all sort of hovered around Buck. 

“Look, I know you don’t want to do this, but I need to get it off my chest.” Maddie said gently. “It has been three years, Buck. Three. And you aren’t letting this go.”

“And I won’t.” Buck said certainly. Not meanly, and not angrily. Just certainly. “The three of you have had more than 30 years to come to terms with everything, to grieve and move on, I’ve had three. I deserve even half as long as you have had to deal with it. I should have gotten help back then, but there was too much going on.”

“You … you’re staging an intervention because your brother is healing himself in a healthy manner?” Bobby asked in confusion. 

“He didn’t even know Daniel existed until three years ago.” Maddie blurted out before she took a breath. “Sorry. I’m not trying to snap, I’m not. But Evan, you went a majority of your life not knowing. What is going to a support group for families of cancer patients actually doing for you now?”

“Alright.” Buck stood in front of his sister and parents, holding a hand up to keep Ravi, Bobby, or Chris from yelling or cussing anyone out. “You’re finally asking, so I’ll tell you.”

“What?” Maddie frowned. “I’ve been asking for months-”

“You’ve been asking me why I’m not on your side.” Buck interrupted. “You’ve been asking why I won’t put my feelings aside for your perfect family image. You haven’t once asked what I’m actually dealing with. If you want the answer to the questions you actually asked, I’ll tell you.”

“You didn’t even know him.” Dad said firmly, looking irritated. 

“No. I didn’t.” Buck agreed. “But I have a different truth associated with him than any of you. I only exist because Daniel was sick. You didn’t decide to just randomly have another kid while one was sick, it didn’t accidentally happen; you went into a clinic and basically made me. I am going to a support group where I get to talk to people who experienced losing a loved one; whether it was a brother or sister, a father or mother, grandparent, cousin, friend, CHILD, whoever, to cancer. They either lost them or are dealing with their loved one going through treatment and need support from other people who have experienced the same thing. I was your chance to cure Daniel’s cancer. And it didn’t work. And I have spent my entire life wondering why I was never good enough.”

“No, you are-”

“Maddie.” Buck cut her off. “You can’t see the truth because you are too close to this. You lost a brother, Mads. A little brother. You had to watch him get sick, visit him in hospital room after hospital room, only for him to continue getting worse.”

“I-” Maddie put a hand on her chest and blinked rapidly, trying not to cry. “I know.”

“You love me, Maddie.” Buck said gently. “You were the one who, when things weren’t working, when the treatment failed, took care of me. You were just a little girl. You were Denny’s age when Daniel was gone.” Hen sucked in a breath and held Karen’s hand tightly. “Can you imagine Denny having to suddenly take care of a baby because his parents refused to even look at him when that baby was meant to heal a kid they lost?”

“No.” Maddie croaked.

“They went to therapy to get help understanding what happened with Doug. They talked about it non-stop when they were here before you had Jee-Yun. But why didn’t they go when Daniel died? Can you honestly tell me that they have ever actually dealt with and accepted his death?” Buck asked.

“You do not get to tell us how we grieved was wrong.” Mom said angrily, standing in front of Buck. “You don’t know what it was like.”

“Because you never let me.” Buck said firmly. “You made me to heal him and then treated me like the disease that killed him for nearly 30 fucking years. It was not my fault. I didn’t kill him, and I didn’t want him to die, even if I have zero memories of him. You, me, dad, we do not have a relationship. I refuse to be the outlet for your anger and grief at losing him any more. I’m done. If you can get through some therapy, maybe actually realize that I grew up with my 11 year old sister as my parent, we can consider having a conversation. I’m a stranger to you. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s time you accepted that.”

“You’re being irrational, Evan.” Dad said irritatedly. “You need to let this go. You are the one hurting your sister right now. It’s incredibly selfish.”

“You don’t get to talk to him like that.” Chris said irritatedly. “You-”

“Christopher.” Eddie said gently, cutting his son off. “Let Buck talk, ok mijo? He needs to tell them what’s on his mind and then we’ll take him home and maybe even get ice cream on the way.”

“Grieving a child never really ends.” Bobby said carefully. “I lost my son and daughter, along with my first wife, in a fire, years ago. And the grief does not go away. Getting therapy, going to support groups, it genuinely helps.”

“How long has it been?” Mom asked, swallowing thickly. “For you, how long?”

“Twelve years.” Bobby admitted. “I fell into drinking and drugs for a while, but I got sober. I got sober and came to LA and … and I got the chance to teach a young man everything I never got to teach my kids.”

“Pops.” Buck tried not to sound whiney, but he was sure it came out that way by the smile Bobby gave him. 

“I taught him how to tie a tie, how to cook, and how to move on from a mistake and do better. And in return, he taught me how to ask for help. I’m still not great at it, but I’m better than I used to be.” Bobby said gently. “I’m sorry you never got to do that with your other son. Truly, I am. But you chose not to do it with the son you had left. You’ve all had more than three decades to move past Daniel’s death. Buck has only had a few short years. He deserves time and space to heal. To mourn the death of a brother that he never has and never will know.”

“I’m not getting in the way of you having a relationship with our parents, Mads.” Buck said quietly. “You were their first born, so you had them before, during, and after Daniel. You have actual solid memories of them being loving, attentive, caring parents. I can’t even dream up something that crazy without a head injury. Aside from my coma dream after the lightning incident, I don’t even know what that would look like. In my coma, they were the parents I’d always wanted. Because in that place, Daniel lived. But you know what else happened?”

“What?” Maddie asked, wiping at her face.

“You were still trapped with Doug.” Buck said gently. “I can’t say that would have happened if Daniel lived or not. I have no idea because I know nothing about him that I haven’t scrounged up from the internet and the few family members who were kind enough to email me back. Daniel was a doctor, you were a nurse, and I was a fucking teacher, Mads. A teacher!” Maddie laughed and covered her mouth, tears still streaking down her cheeks. “I would be the absolute worst teacher in the world, because my ADD would have hindered me so much it’s ridiculous.”

“You … you have ADD?” Chimney asked curiously. “Like, legitimately, diagnosed, ADD?”

“Yeah.” Buck sighed. “I have ADD, anxiety, and occasional insomnia. And I am on medication for all of it. Ravi dragged me into the office to get it added to my file because I kept forgetting while I was adjusting to the meds.”

“Ravi knows?” Hen pouted at him.

“Ravi goes to the support group with him.” Ravi pitched in before frowning at himself. “Why am I talking in third person?” Buck couldn’t help snickering a little about it. “I go to the support group with him. We have a big ass group chat and the others were harassing him about getting tested, so he went in and told us when he was diagnosed.”

“Anyway, if I’d been a teacher, what do you think would have been different about our lives right now? Do you think I’d have driven all over the country aimlessly for six years? Would I have even tried to be a firefighter? If I’d gone directly into being a teacher, managed to make it through college, I wouldn’t have landed at the 118.” Buck looked back and focused on Bobby. “You were gone, pops. You weren’t a firefighter because you’d OD’d and … and it was the worst feeling I’ve ever felt, when dream-Chimney told me what happened. You yelled at me, your manic spirit, telling me- I said I needed to fix things, to set them right again, but you said that I couldn’t fix everything.”

“You can’t.” Bobby said gently, agreeing with that ghost from his dream. “You can’t fix everything, Buck.”

“I fixed you!” Buck said, feeling emotional, his voice raising a little, almost like he had in the dream he was trapped in. “I fixed you, pops. I did. I showed up at the 118, stressed you out and probably gave you gray hair and stress ulcers, but I did it. I fixed you. You were ready to die.” Buck sucked in a breath, hating that he was crying suddenly, but Bobby stepped up and wrapped him in a hug. “You didn’t want to live, not really. But I made you remember what it could be like. I was a pain in your ass, but I made you remember.”

“You did good, kid.” Bobby said in a raspy voice. “You’re my kid, ok? I should have found a way to tell you, to let you know, but you are.”

“I know.” Buck sniffled and nodded against Bobby’s shoulder. They stood like that for another minute, both calming down. “Sorry. That kinda … snuck up on me.”

“Yeah, grief does that.” Bobby chuckled, backing up and looking him over. “Especially when you’ve finally started allowing yourself to feel it.”

“I’m ok.” Buck nodded, wiping at his face. 

“Ok.” Bobby leaned forward and kissed his head before letting him turn back around to face his sister and their parents. 

“Woo.” Buck blew out a breath and wiped his face once more. “Sorry. Um. Obviously I’m still working through some things, but I’m … I’m getting better. I’m feeling better. Letting you into my life, continuing to let you treat me like a disease, is bad for me.” Buck didn’t care that his mom was crying or that his dad looked close as well. “You’re here because your daughter is getting married to an incredible man. Someone who has been my friend for years. If you want to get to know me, then you have to put in some effort. I’m not calling, because I haven’t called in years. I tried for a while and you never answered. I’m not putting all the effort into a relationship that has been nothing but bad for me since I was a kid. I will continue to be civil at things Maddie wants all of us at. But you're only her parents. She was mine when you couldn’t even look at me. And Bobby and Athena have taken over since I met them. Chimney has his dad and the Lees. People he chose as his parents and who chose him as a son in return. I’m not … I’m not putting my needs, my mental health, to the side just so you can feel better and dress us up as some imagined perfect family to show off to your friends back east. I’m glad you’re there for Maddie, that the three of you have each other. But ... I’m gonna go. My family promised me ice cream, and I’m pretty sure if we stay too much longer, Christopher will lose his restraint and cuss you out in Spanish.”

“You what?” Eddie looked at his son, arching an eyebrow at him. 

“You mumble louder than you think when you’re cussing other drivers out.” Chris snorted. “Les diré que pueden chupar una polla.”

“Okay!” Eddie exclaimed. “Alright, apparently I need to watch what I say within hearing range of my bilingual teenager. Noted.”

“What’d he say?” Chimney asked with a grin.

“Not important.” Buck cut in before Eddie could explain or Chris could say it in English and cause an uproar. Most likely of laughter, but Eddie might also have an aneurysm about it. “We are going to go, but we’ll see everyone tomorrow.”

“Text me when you get home.” Athena pulled Buck into a hug. 

“I will.” Buck grinned. “Sorry for not coming to talk to you and pops about my sort-of-outburst sooner. We’ll … get together and talk about it another time.”

“Dinner in a few days.” Athena patted his cheek when he backed up. “I’ll even see if May can come so we can have a big family dinner and you can harass each other as siblings.”

“Sounds good.” Buck chuckled. He waved everyone else off, not wanting to stay around his birth parents longer than necessary. They stopped for ice cream and it was actually nice. When they got home, Chris went to his room. He said he needed to wind down from everything he’d wanted to tell Buck’s parents and hadn’t been able to. Not really. Other than saying he’d tell them they could suck a dick in Spanish.

“I’m so glad your parents don’t know Spanish.” Eddie sighed when they went to lay down. “I never, in a million years, thought I’d hear my 13 year old son say he wanted to tell another adult they could suck a dick.”

“I mean,” Buck snickered, “I thought it was funny.”

“Is it bad to say I’m slightly proud that he’s gotten so much better with Spanish even if he demonstrated by saying what he did?” Eddie asked with a small grin.

“I think it’s awesome.” Buck snorted. “Between you, Abuela, Tia Pepa, your sisters, you’ve all helped him stay connected to it. He’s … honestly I think part of what’s made the past few weeks of group easier is him going with me. Ravi being there was great, don’t get me wrong, but when Chris talked about his mom that first time it just … it was heartbreaking and so healing in ways I didn’t know I needed.”

“What did he say?” Eddie asked quietly.

“Well.” Buck blew a raspberry, biding his time. He finally turned on his side and faced Eddie. “He said his mom was always gonna leave. Basically. That she chose to leave him more than once and that … that I never have. That I always fought for him, saved him. That I chose to stay. I chose him.”

“Oh my god, you cried like a baby, I bet.” Eddie said, turning to face him, laying the same way. 

“I definitely cried.” Buck chuckled. “He wasn’t wrong. I’ve had chances to walk away from you guys, to let you have your lives. But I haven’t and I never will. You are both stuck with me. And if I die before you, just know, I will haunt the crap out of you.”

“Ok.” Eddie cracked up laughing. “Same.”

“Good.” Buck nodded. “Now let’s try to get some sleep before my sister marries her best friend tomorrow.”

“You better save a dance for me, Buckley.”

“Hope you have good padding in your shoes.” Buck snorted. “I will step on your toes at least once because I’m awful.”

“Ok.” Eddie chuckled, and Buck felt Eddie’s hand land on his neck, his thumb brushing his cheek. “Night, Buck.”

“Night, Eds.” Buck yawned and snuggled further into his pillow. 

It was pretty awesome having so much support for his grieving process. Finding the group he did was one of the best accidents he’d ever had. And he wouldn’t trade it for anything.