Chapter Text
Kris went to class, but they didn't paid attention and just slept all the way. It was just another day for them, all of them were since many years at this point.
Kris life was pointless, they felt sleepy all the time, they didn't had any friends, motivations, goals or anything to attach, the only thing they seemed to like was to sleep and scar their own arms. But it wasn't always like this, when Kris was around 9 years old, they used to be the happiest kid in the town, one who wouldn't stop pranking Noelle and spending entire afternoons with her. Kris hated the fact that they got feelings for her but it was true, their chest burned with only thinking about how she used to look at them, how she used to laugh or scream at their pranks, and now she stands far and distant, she probably hates them since that day.
Once the class was finished Kris just stood up and went to the door, but unlike may other days they stopped to look behind them, it was Noelle who also look very tired, her eyes were lost in nothing and her movements were slow like she was being dragged like a puppet, she was writing something in the paper during the whole class and now she was putting it in her pocket. But this was only normal for her, after all, her dad had just died some months ago.
Rudy was a good man, a great father, maybe even better than Kris own father. They were always there to protect Noelle from whatever threaten her, like her own strict mother, he used to have a great sense of humor and was in really good terms with Kris, it really felt like it was a second father or friend for Kris, someone they could go for help while growing up. But this last year he felt sick, doctors thought that it would be just a flu but…
Kris didn't said anything to him, the last time they spoke to Rudy was 7 years ago when the whole family was complete, Rudy just died 3 months ago and Kris almost didn't feel nothing, or more likely they forced themself to not feel nothing, the only thing they felt is incertitude, if he was thinking about why they didn't visited not even once. It just happened one day, one day they just received the new from their mother like it was nothing.
Kris couldn't stop thinking about how Noelle is feeling right now, she lost a sister and a father and her only close family member is carol. They left the school thinking that they could maybe talk to her, after this many years a close friend is what she needs but, would she accept them like before? Wouldn't it feel strange that the only reason they are talking again after 7 years is because a part of her family is gone? After all, that's what made them separate in the first place
”K-Kris?” While deep in their thoughts they hear a familiar voice, when they turn around they see Noelle with an expression of happiness mixed with… anxiety? Like she is expecting something to happen, her hands where behind her like she was holding something “Noelle… how are you?” Kris says shyly “Well… you know sorting things out… ummmm” Kris wanted to close the distance between the two but they couldn't, something in their mind or body didn't let them move, they wanted to comfort her when they were hit by her words
“Kris… thanks for everything, you were the best friend I ever had…”
Kris couldn't decipher what was she trying to say, was she saying she dint want to be her friend anymore? “Thanks I…” Kris wanted to continue the conversation but it just turned into an awkward silence between the two, Noelle almost started to cry at the spot but managed to control herself “S-sorry to bother you…”
She just left
Kris was left alone with their own self destructive thoughts, they hated themself so much it was no where near healthy for them. They quickly brushed off their mom telling them everything was okay and they locked themself in their own room. They pulled off their sweater sleeve to reveal their scars, Kris enjoyed self harming themself because it was the only way they could feel something at the same time they punished themself.
“I am a useless idiot that cant do anything, I should just kill myself and relieve mom from the dead weight that is caring for me” they thought in loop, she would probably be happy, and could spend their collage money in something for herself because, anyway, what is Kris gonna do in collage? They didn't had any future in mind. When Kris finished their arm and floor where covered in blood once again, they just thought for once a nice thought “tomorrow… im gonna help Noelle” today they couldn't, they self sobateged themself but tomorrow they would talk with Noelle and fix their relationship. Even if it is the last time they do alive. It was only 6pm and the sun was still up but Kris didn't had anything to do so they just laid in bed watching their arm that was still red.
It takes a long time but they do fall asleep eventually, they don't really dream, they were never the type of people to remember what they were thinking. Today while sleeping they relive that day. Kris really wanted to do some urban exploration in the forest near the shelter, see whats inside and record it, Dess really liked the idea and wanted the rest of us do it. Noelle was too scared, Asriel said he was busy and he couldn't and Kris, they got scared at the last minute and refused to go, they usually weren't but that shelter… something about it putted of Kris
“Dude…c mon are you a baby or something dude? Its gonna be fun please I don't wanna go alone, it was YOU'RE idea after all. Whatever, if something happens to me is your fault krissmas fhe he he he… he…”
That were, her last words. After that night no one ever saw her again, and no one ever knew why. Kris could never forgive themself. It was the end of their world and that only went downhill from there, it almost fully ended 2 years ago.
When alone in the bathtub they grabbed a knife and they were ready to do it, to punish themself and be free from guilt, they did it every time, dozens of times why would it be different know? Why… why did they heard a knock on their door? They would be totally alone in house that day, Toriel wasn't supposed to be at home until tomorrow but the door had just made a light but painful sound. The door silently moved, from it emerged… her, all messy, smelling like dirt, taller and malnourished... and seeking revenge they grabbed Kris head , their hooves fingers injecting themself into their fragile skull inflicting a pain like they never felt before, she submerged their head, Kris started to panic while watching how the karma was starting to work against them, was this it? no
Kris woke up, it was already the next day, not so early like 14:23m, it was Saturday anyway Their head hurt, it was a bad headache and their entire body felt sick and hot, their arm was still wounded from last night. It was just a dream, the truth was that… they just go scared that day, and they didn't do it...
They refused to leave bed and they just try to sleep again, the WiFi was really bad this last days so really there wasn't anything to do. They overhear their mother in the kitchen talking to someone but they try ignore it. It was difficult to sleep with the intense heat from sleeping with their clothes still one in summer, they just pulled out their sweater and throw it against the wall leaving a small brown shirt still one.
It wasn't the headache, the heat or anything but their conscious. They promised to themself they would see Noelle today but they haven't done anything in the entire day
A day? They haven't done anything ever! All they do is just be dead weight for everyone around them, they are a parasite that just consumes and consumes and kills any joy anyone could deve- no.
Kris finally leaved bed, the pain is still there but they want to relieve it “maybe mom has something for it” they thought, Kris went down the stairs and saw their mother really worried talking to someone in the phone, she said “Yes… thanks Carol, thank you for telling me I- I would tell them as soon as I can” Carol? Why is she talking to my mom when both of them hate each other guts like crazy, its hard to believe they were collage friends once. “Yeah… don't worry Carol we- oh honey you woke up! Sorry Carol, they woke up so… I will call you later” she hung up her phone and there were some seconds of silence between them broken by Kris asking if she had something for a headache, she nodded and went to the bathroom in search of a medicament, Kris filled a glass of water and sat in the table waiting for their mom. Kris took the pill and swallowed it with the water, after that they just try to go back to their room “honey, are you going to sleep again?” she asks and Kris… “no. im just going to get my sweater” they want to think that's what they were going to do “Mom, im going to Noelle's house today” they said while going down the stairs again but “oh Kris, did you not heard?” that caught Kris off guard, but didn't think much off it since she was already talking to Carol on the phone early “no, what happened?” Kris was heading to the door when from behind they hear their mother talk
“Its about Noelle, she is in the hospital”
Kris stopped, those words hit like a truck to them, they turn around to look at their mother “W-what? I-I why-when I mean” Kris had many questions and too little words to say
“Yesterday, she has been there since” Kris gulps and dares to ask “What for?” Noelle was a very healthy girl, she joggle constantly and was always considering going vegetarian, so it would be strange she would have health prob-
“Suicide”
They stay silent
Kris was in the car with their mother in the companion seat, both of them didn't said a word in the way to the hospital. Once inside they saw carol, she was… the expression on her face was so unique, the best way to describe it is that she felt disappointment on herself for once “Kris. I want to talk to you later” her voice, it always sounded like the room was filled with ice so cold it burned your skin but, it seems the ice finally cracked.
It was the time, Toriel went inside to see her and Kris was behind her, their heart started to beat faster and faster, it only was a couple of doors but it felt almost like, going thru them would destroy their soul, their body started to shake lightly what is she gonna say? Is she gonna blame them? Is she going to be angry? I-I-Is she…
”-In a coma, we don't know when she will wake up but shes gonna, trust. It was just an overdose from taking too much pills at once, we injected her with naloxone” The nurse said to their mother. She was there, in bed… her eyes closed, her mouth slightly opened and still breathing, there was some hospital machinery that was connected to her making sure she was okay “Is she gonna be okay?” Kris asks concerned to the nurse “Ehh yeah, I just said that” “S-sorry” Kris responds embarrassed “Do not worry, the hard work is already done. Now we just need to wait for her to wake up and then we can keep taking care of her”. Kris took a small chair and sat next to her, its been so long since both of them had been this close, is still she conscious? Can she know that they are here? They shyly use their hand to close Noelle mouth. They missed the texture of their fur so much
”-If we are lucky there aren't going to be any long term consequences to this” Kris overhears and gets curious “w-what do you mean?” the nurse tries to explain to Kris “Well, when she was found she was already convulsing and the time it took get here… its a miracle of the angel shes still alive, all thanks to her mom that leaved the work early. What im trying to say is tha…-”
Kris started to dissociate and not pay attention to her, they could only think about Noelle and how it was their fault. Kris couldn't avoid it, after many years it basically became an habit of them “If only, If only I talked to her yesterday…or the day before… or the day before that…” they started to think, the thought drilling and installing itself into their brain with no plans of leaving anytime soon. Toriel noticed that their child wasn't paying attention and gently cutted off the nurse, she suggested that maybe Kris could have some alone time “Honey I- I need to go, I need to go to choir practice. When you feel like it you can go to home, but do not forget to go to holidays before”
Kris barely heard what she said, they could only focus on her, they grabbed her hand for the first time in years, it was nice to feel the heat of her hands, even if just to confirm that she was still alive. They sat in that chair for what it felt like days without letting go her hand, their stomach cried and cried but Kris didn't hear, what were they trying to prove? That they love her more than anyone? Was this some kind of punishment? Not even Kris knew. After sometime the nurse came back to notify Kris that they needed to go, but that they could comeback tomorrow.
Tomorrow, that would feel like an eternity its just like 15:00pm. Kris sees Noelle one last time before the doors close their vision. Kris starts thinking about a lot of things without order or reason, it was nothing but chaos chaos inside! The only thing that brought them back to the real world was going outside and seeing the sky purple “how much time i was inside there?” they said to no one. The walk back home was painful due to not eating nothing since last night, in their way they remember that carol wanted to talk to them, and they did
Once outside they rang the bell and waited for her. She was… not well, they couldn't see her face very well in the hospital but now, her fur was all messy and her eyes tired from crying so much “Kris… I…” she didn't said it but Kris could read their face “She left this with her… maybe you want to read it, you are in it…” she handed Kris a letter, the envelope was already opened and the letter was inside once again, once they finished looking at it they noticed how Carol was already leaving.
Once in their house Kris feed themself with as much food as they could to pacify the beast that was their hunger, they, of course felt horrible after eating like a rabid dog without manners. Toriel hadn't came back from choir yet so the only to in the house were Kris and the letter, carol didn't said it but it was obvious what it was. “Im here…” they couldn't stop thinking about that… the last words of Noelle, what would they be? Would she had use them for a last message or just to curse Kris for abandoning her and killing her sister? They could know, they DID had the answer in their hands but, they couldn't… their body physically wasn't able to open an already opened letter and read it, they were weak, they feared the answer. They tried to sleep that night but their mind was rambling mess of self destructive ideas that just kept them from being in peace “what if Noelle died right now?” it was not really probable, but what if medical malpractice killed her, right now or after leaving, what if the nurse lied? Noelle is actually going to die in 3 days but she didn't tell the true to not keep them worried.
They had enough, Kris got enough courage to read it. In the middle of the night in their dark room with only the moon as a source of light, they grab the letter and start reading
“If you're reading this, it means Im dead-“
Kris intermediately stops reading the letter