Archive of Our Own

“Are you sure?”

Pomni looked up at her friends - her family - all seated around the common room as bravely as she could, meeting eyes with them one by one. Gangle looked nervous. Zooble, stressed. Kinger, concerned. Caine, contemplative. Finally, to Ragatha, who’d asked the question to begin with. It was hard to face the fear etched into the ragdoll’s face, but in the brunt of it, Pomni replied, “I’m positive.”

“Hmm…” Caine tapped his teeth. “I suppose there’s no proof it can’t be reversed. Not to say I haven’t looked into it of course! But all my roads just lead to… well, code. And nothing corrupts in it when a human abstracts. In every practical sense, the avatar shouldn’t change. That means the solution - if there is one - is probably only one you humans can solve.”

“But,” Gangle intoned softly, “We almost lost Pomni last time.”

“Yeah. This isn’t something to just fling yourself into.” Zooble agreed. “What if things go too far this time?”

“It won’t.” She said confidently. “Because you guys will be there to help bring me back out again if anything happens.” It seemed it wasn’t enough to support her case, as looks of unease passed among them, growing with every passing second. Pomni sighed, fond but frustrated. It was nice to know they cared so much, but annoying to have to work against it sometimes. “Look. I know it’s scary and that we’re flying kind of blindly into this to figure it out - but isn’t that all the more reason to try? Not just for Jax, but the other Abstractions too. Kaufmo and Ribbit and-” She briefly glanced at Kinger, trading the name that wanted to escape for a softer, “Everyone.” She looked to the room at large once more. “They all deserve a second chance. If we have the means to give it to them, shouldn’t we?”

Another round of silent, worried looks. A sigh from Zooble before they said, “You’re not going to let up on this, are you?”

She smiled. “I wasn’t planning on it.”

Kinger chuckled, but his eyes smiled almost sadly. “You’ll have to excuse our hesitance, but this is uncharted territory, for all of us. And it’s risking your life to do it. It would make anyone queasy just thinking about it.”

Any ill will she’d felt moments before immediately evaporated. “I know. And I love you guys for that. I still need to do this.”

“But-” Ragatha started, wringing her hands together. “Does it have to be you?”

“Maybe not for the others - but for this one? Yeah, I think so.” Pomni answered. “I was so close last time.”

She had never told anyone what she’d seen that day, when she’d entered Jax’s literal psyche. There were just some things that were too private to share. And if this actually worked, if she actually managed to bring him back, she needed him to know he was truly safe and that the people he let in wouldn’t betray him like he so clearly feared they would.

So instead of explaining any of that, Pomni just walked over to Ragatha, taking her hand in hers, and saying oh so very softly, “Trust me Ragsy. I got this.”

Though the trepidation didn’t fade, her girlfriend’s smile was gentle and left Pomni’s heart stuttering pleasantly. “I know. Just promise me you’ll be careful?”

“As much as I can be.” She agreed readily. 

“Okay then.” Ragatha got to her feet. “Let’s get things ready.”

Together, they all went to Zooble’s room, carrying back bunches of arm parts like they were firewood, and bringing them into Jax’s blanket fort. They started laying the limbs out, connecting their own bundles first, before moving to connect each other's strings until they had a makeshift lasso. Curled up in the corner, Jax watched them quietly as they worked, his many eyes blinking slowly like a cat getting a read on the situation. He didn’t move much other than that, though he gave an occasional, digitized huff that could have been a hum of curiosity if he’d still had the vocal chords for that.

“That’s the last one.” Gangle announced, curling a blue clawed hand around a pink elbow. 

“We’re all set then.” Pomni said, starting to get to her feet, but Zooble’s hand - the actual one they chose to wear today, halted her.

“Hey. This isn’t like, penance, right? Because as much of an asshole as Jax could be, I don’t think he ever would want you walking the same path he did.”

She paused, giving that some serious thought. Was it? She couldn’t lie and say she didn’t feel any regret or guilt over what had gone down or that she didn’t understand she was still grieving deeply. There were still nights she lied awake and thought of all the things that maybe could have gone differently had she just said this or done that. Instances she still found herself seeing a particular shade of purple in the corner of her eye that had her snapping her neck around, only to be disappointed it was only another asset block. Times she opted out of visiting a particular world, maybe the Candy Kingdom or the softball field, because the memories were just too raw that day. 

Was this the exit all over again? Was she chasing just another unobtainable goal, running down endless halls with no hope of finding the right door?

But as she remembered those final moments she had with Jax, him hugging her, insisting how much he didn’t want to leave, Pomni’s confidence steeled. “No. I really think I can do this.” She reconsidered that wordage, shook her head and amended, “I really think he can do this.”

Zooble didn’t argue, just squeezed her shoulder. “Okay. Go get him then.”

With a final well wish from Gangle, thumbs up from Kinger and hug from Ragatha, Pomni made her way across the space where Jax waited, the llama-like shape rising at her approach.

Caine floated just by her shoulder, before touching down next to her. “I’m… sorry I won’t be able to do anything about the pain during.”

“That’s fine. You can help me after.” She assured, taking another step forward.

Jax took a wary few back. A snap of fingers from Caine kept him from going further, frozen in place though the rough texture of his body continued to zig and zag like a tattered sheet in the wind. With nowhere to go, he let out a short growl that rose in intensity as Pomni came in close.

“It’s okay Jax. It’s just me, Pomni. You know me.” She soothed. Over the past few weeks, she’d grown used to talking to him like this, even though she wasn’t sure if he could truly hear her. Sometimes she sat at the edge of the fort for hours, telling him stories about what adventure they’d done or something funny that had happened he would have found a riot. He wouldn’t respond to anything she said, but sometimes he’d come nearer to her, as if he was riveted by a particular tale she had that day. It made her believe that he was still in there, deep inside. “We’re all here actually. We miss you, you know?”
She took another step. Several of Jax’s eyes squinted or closed like he was straining to pull backwards, and when he found he still couldn’t, his growl grew louder. She wondered if he was trying to run for her benefit or his own. “You must hate being restrained, huh? I promise no one is going to hurt you. We’re just trying to be safe for me.” Another step. Another thundering growl, an animal giving its last warning to stay away before it lashed out. 

Self-preservation told her to run. 

Her heart told her to go on.

Pomni took the next and final step and reached out a hand. All of Jax’s eyes slammed shut, his body rippling as he tried and failed to fight Caine’s hold. As the pads of her fingers touched him though, they all opened again at once, staring down at her with great intensity. “See? Everything’s okay.” She told him, stretching out to hug what was essentially his belly, staring into the dark of him. “So let me in, huh? I want to come say hi for real now.”

There was another digitized huff, like he was annoyed with her efforts. She could almost hear his scathing, “Geez Pompom, don’t go spilling your heart out on me now.”

Wait.

She had heard that.

“Jax?” She pulled back - only to find the fort she’d been in was gone. The room was dark and she was standing on water. There was only one source of light and she quickly turned to face it.

Maybe the circus had corrupted her with certain expectations, because she had been ready for more of a trial. Another set of doors she’d have to wade through, another key she would have to locate, another round of Jaxs she'd have to navigate around. Instead, he was just there, sitting against the pink streetlamp she’d lost him at. 

She couldn’t help but smile. “You let me in.”

Jax sighed.  “What are you doing here Pomni?”

“I told you. Saying hi.” She walked towards him. “You… did hear that. Right?”

“Eeh.” He made a so-so motion with his hand before pulling up a knee and dropping it there. “It all comes and goes. Heh. I particularly liked the band outing. Figures Ribbons is a karaoke type.”

She laughed, continuing forward. It was strange how he seemed only feet away and yet she had to tread so far to reach him.  “Yeah, she really belted out those lyrics. Maybe… maybe next time you can join us. Show me the keys. I’m not very good yet.”

He smiled, wide and unnatural. Oh that wasn’t a good sign. “Careful.”

Just as he said it, her foot met resistance that wasn’t there before, the black water having turned viscous. The longer she stood on it, the more her foot started to sink until it had been swallowed up to her ankle. With a yelp, Pomni jerked back, stumbling back to safety.

“You’ll fall in.” Jax scooped a hand beside himself, gathering a handful of the goop and tilting it. It poured like sand out of his palm, plinking into a pile that slowly smoothed back out.

There wasn’t any visual difference between the ground she stood on and the island he was isolated on, but the message was clear: She wasn’t getting any closer. 

“Why is it different?” Pomni demanded.

He shrugged, his pupils practically taking up his sclera. “Who can say? The mind’s an enigma Two-Tones.”

Despair tried to eat her up, but she valiantly pushed it down. Wasn’t going to be so easy after all. But maybe that just made her dumb to think one confession would break down all of his walls. “Okay.” She sat down on her side, crossing her legs and giving him another smile, hoping it was as sincere as she wanted it to be. “Then why don’t we just… talk?”

That seemed to surprise him, some more normalcy coming back to his face. Then he scoffed, looking away, “Gosh, you’re so annoying you know that? Can’t even give me a moment’s peace, even in death.”

“You’re not dead. Otherwise how would we be talking?”

“You’re the one walking on water, so you tell me Jesus.”

She snorted amusedly. “Believe me, if I was, this would all be wine. Not that you could handle it, lightweight.”

“Oh-hoooo! You take that back.”

“Never. You had like half a drink!”

“Yeah well, Zooble probably spiked it. They’d get a riot out of it I’m sure.” 

Pomni shook her head. “Jax…”

“What?” He drew out the word just to be annoying. “They would.”

It was a lie, blatant and pointed and mistrustful, but rather than arguing it, Pomni switched tracks. “Is drunk Jax fun?”

“Huh?” He blinked at her, then averted his gaze. “Uh, I dunno. I didn’t actually drink that much. Before. Mom was uh, kinda strict on that kind of stuff.”

Now that was honest. Good. He wasn’t completely hiding at least. “You’re telling me there were no wild highschool days where you stole a twelve pack from one of your friend’s folks and have a competition to see who could down the most without getting sick?”

“That one of yours?” He teased.

She grinned. “Guilty. I won by the way.” She scratched her cheek, laughing. “I also threw up in my best friend’s mom’s planter.”

“Hah! Classic.”

“Hey I’m much better at it now.” She asserted. “You should see me taking shots at Zooble’s bar. I can drink any one of them under the table.”

Like she’d flipped a switch, all humor vanished from Jax’s face. He was struggling to keep his expression blank but he just looked miserable. “Good for you.”

Damn. Pomni leant back on her hands, trying to get back on track. “Sooo… if you didn’t drink much, how’d you know what a Whiskey Sour was?”

“I’m not an alcohol virgin, Poms. I have some taste." He said with a roll of his eyes. “I just didn’t see the point going to a bar much.”

She thought of Leeroy, a frequent visitor to Riley’s bar. A recent development, perhaps. “Didn’t have a good one nearby or just didn’t have the money?” She asked carefully.

“Something like that.” He dodged, which told her everything. She wouldn’t go to a bar either, if she hadn’t had people to go with. Briefly, she wondered how long he’d been on the streets for, alone and lost and afraid, before he’d found people who were willing to take him in. She couldn’t even begin to imagine how awful it must have been; all she’d gotten to see was the results of it on that awful Escape the Circus Adventure. Her heart bled a bit for the one in front of her, who had come to the circus never knowing such kindness could even be found out there. 

But if Leeroy was able to open his heart enough to accept it, it meant Jax was able to as well. She just had to find the right way to give it to him.

“If we knew each other out there, I bet I’d get some rounds for us.”

“Oh yeah?” He rose a brow, his grin getting wide again. “Gonna flaunt that big, old accountant's salary on me?”

“Hardly breaking the bank when it’s just one.”

“You little shit.” The reply was scathing, but he was chuckling. She wasn’t sure if it was progress, but it was nice to know he could laugh at himself over some things.

Pomni searched her brain for another safe topic that might get them in the direction she wanted to go - but everything was such a potential minefield with Jax. Home life was definitely out. Talking about work had potential, but if he’d ever had a job, he’d definitely hated it. School, maybe? He’d probably get suspicious if she just small-talked him about his past though. But what else could she do? Talking about current events directly was causing him to shut down-

Wait.

She looked down at the dark floor, the chasm that had widened between them without her ever knowing. Oh. “Hey so, I was curious. You said before you could kind of hear me when I’m out there. What did you mean by that?”

“It means that I don’t completely tune you out when you gush about your girlfriend for hours on end. Good job by the way.”

“H-Hah?!” 

“Though if I’m being honest, I always knew you’d eventually fall for dollface’s womanly wiles. It was why it was so fun to mess with you two.”

She felt her cheeks flush. “Asshole.” 

“That’s me. Jax is an acronym, didn’t you know?” He spread his hands out, as if he was spelling it in midair for her. “Stands for Jerk Asshole Extraordinaire." 

“Extrodinaire starts with an E.” Pomni deadpanned.

He waved her off. “Semantics.”

“You could have at least gone with Xanthic. It means having a yellowish hue. Fits your… face.”

He tilted his head a bit. “First the Trypho-thing, now this. What was it, spelling bees or scrabble?”

“Uh.” Shit. Of course he’d clock her like that. She coughed behind her hand. “Crosswords.”

It was Jax’s psyche though and there was no way he didn’t hear, if his sudden, raucous laughter told her anything. 

“Oh my God!” He grabbed onto his sides as he fell back against the lightpost, his foot thumping with pure delight adding to her embarrassment. 

“L-Look! The X’s were the hardest ones to get so I memorized them and – Jax shut up!”

He didn’t completely stop, but he did calm, wiping away tears from the corner of his eyes. “Man. You were kind of a loser, weren’t you?”

Pomni leant forward threateningly, planting her hands on the floor in front of her. “Don’t make me come over there and beat you up again.”

“I’m all yours shortstack.” He spread out his arms. “Come and get me.”

Her eyes flit downwards, before anchoring herself on her hands to scoot a few feet forward, playing at taking his bait. As she suspected, the floor stayed solid. 

She must not have been fast enough to hide her joy at that fact, because Jax immediately shut down again. Hands dropping, shoulders dropping, sighing long and low. “Pomni. What are you doing here?”

“Talking to you.” She replied, trying for dumb.

“Don’t do that.” His glare was annoyed and tired. “I’m not an idiot.”

Can’t play a player, could she? “Then what do I need to say? You know what I’m doing here.”

Jax scowled, but it held little heat. His head thudded back against the pole, eyes falling shut. There was a glow outlining his eyelids, seeing something she couldn’t. “You’re getting hurt.”

Suddenly, the ground rippled under her. She started to sink and only barely managed to scramble back to avoid going under, quickly getting to her feet in case it spread.

Across the chasm, Jax did the same, his smile torn as he looked back at her. “Don’t get hurt for me Pompom. I’m not worth it.”

And then he vanished, sunk into the floor in an instant.

“JAX!” Pomni screamed, reaching out - but a tug at her waist pulled her back.

Next thing she knew, she was back in the fort, sliding to a stop into a mound of pillows. Caine was just barely snapping her glitching form back to normal by the time Ragatha was rushing over and pulling her into a hug. “Pomni! Are you okay?”

“Fine, fine.” Pomni assured, patting one of the stuffed arms around her.

A hand landed on her shoulder, Kinger leaning down. “What did you see?”

She looked up at him, tears welling beyond her control. “He’s still in there. But, it’s gonna take a bit to reach him, I think.”

He regarded her gently, giving a nod. “Then we’ll keep trying until we do.”

She nodded, looking back across the fort where Jax was trodding back into his corner, trying to look as small as possible. “You hear that, dumbass? You better get ready to be really annoyed, because we’re not giving up on you.”

The digitized snarl she was given gave away that he was absolutely listening. It filled her with hope.

Pomni had expected, on the next attempt, that he would just reject her outright. So it was an utter surprise to find her standing again on water in a room lit by only one light. 

Jax stood across from her, standing directly under the light. The wash of pink reflected in the yellows of his eyes and softened his deep violet fur to a pale lavender. He crossed his arms, muttering, “You’re really bad at listening, you know that?”

“Yeah well, ask me to do something reasonable and I might just consider it.” Pomni advised, testing the literal waters around her. She wasn’t sure if she was any closer than before once she found the division. She decided to stay on her feet as well, rocking on her heels. “So, how are you today?”

He clicked his tongue derisively. “Still dead, so great.”

She was starting to suspect this insistence with death was just another dissociation, though why he was insisting on it was beyond her. “Did it hurt?”

He must have expected her to push the point again, because the random question left him immediately off kilter. “Uh. Is that like… the angel line?”

“No I - wait, angel line?”

“You know. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Or whatever?”

She pursed her lips. “Yes Jax. I came in here to flirt with you while my girlfriend is literally two feet away.”

“Eh.” He shrugged. “Wouldn’t surprise me if a weirdo like you was into that.”

She contemplated ignoring him, she knew him well enough by now when he was just trying to get a rise out of her. Instead, she told him something disarmingly truthful. “I’m a lesbian Jax.” She paused, really considering what she was about to say, then decided, why the hell not? “Which I suppose doesn’t completely leave you off the table, now that I think about it.”

His eyes went wide. His feet shuffled back, out of the light. Softer colors became harsh and obscured.

Pomni had to stumble back as well, the gap between them widening. 

“You…” He stuttered. “You didn’t… tell anyone. Did you?”

 “No. That’s your secret to tell.” She reassured quickly. Added, “Nothing that happens in here is being shared. You can trust me on that.”

“Can I?” The question was said with such fragility, it felt like it would take nothing to break. She couldn’t quite tell now that he was ensconced in shadow, but she also thought his crossed arms had shifted into a self-hug.

“Have I done anything to prove to you that you can’t?” She asked, challenging him gently.

He looked away, ears drooping in delicate arcs. She watched them shift as he shook his head in a silent no. 

“Then there you go.” Pomni declared, as if the matter was settled. It was definitely more complicated than that, but firm absolutes were things Jax needed most right now. He was so good at masking confidence so she never noticed it before, but the more they talked like this the more she realized how much anxiety he actually dealt with. As if he was always waiting for the first shoe to drop, shortly followed by the second.

She noticed the shift of his ears, his gaze turning towards her even if she couldn’t meet it. “Before, yanno, all that the first time you were here did.... did you… know, already? Or - or suspect?” 

Oh Jax… “Not a clue.” She attested. Lightly joked, “It’s not like you’re wearing a neon sign.”

His ears only fell further, voice barely more than a whisper, “Sometimes it feels like I am.” Then, so much quieter she had to strive to hear it. “Sometimes I wish I was.”

It was such a conflicting statement, but she understood. On some level, she got it completely - in the past girlfriends she’d had whom she didn’t feel safe holding hands with in public or the way it felt like everyone in the restaurant was staring when she just wanted dinner with her date damnit. How exhausting it could be, hiding all the time. The fear in knowing that a significant portion of the world hated them simply for existing. The defeat in how despite certain laws being in place to protect them, they often went uninforced or abused in the workforce or the courtroom. 

To be in Jax’s position, whose demographic had even less protection and more ire, she imagined it had to feel about a thousand times worse.

“Well, when you’re ready to do that, I’ll be here for you.” Pomni vowed.

There was a sniffle. A watery laugh. “You mean you would have been there for me. There’s no turning back this clock Poms.” He was stepping back more, outline becoming almost undefinable.

Frantically, she called after him. “If you could turn it back, would you do things differently?”

The silence went on long enough, she thought he’d already disappeared on her. But then, from the safety of the darkness, rose the truth:

“Yes.”

Pomni was then violently tossed out.

She actually was rejected on the next attempt. And the next two after that too.

Just when she was beginning to worry he wouldn’t let her back in, she opened her eyes to the gloom, Jax swinging casually around his lightpost, saying to her cheekily, “Gee Pompom, where ya been?”

She made sure to keep the ensuing conversation light, just in case. 

She didn't comment on the fact the gap between them had lessened significantly.

They’d started to leave things in his fort. 

Caine didn’t really understand their desire for it, but he helped conjure a small bookshelf to set up in an area Jax didn’t normally sleep in and wouldn’t risk running into. Ragatha soon decorated it with a vase of flowers she traded out daily and some knickknacks to bring some color to the room.

Meanwhile, Kinger started to fill it with various, jarred bugs. “Don’t tell Ragatha about this one, but for such creepy crawlies, some people believe centipedes are all about facing your fears. I hope these little ones will help you face yours.” Pomni overhead him saying one day.

Zooble would come in and drink. They’d pour a shot for Jax and one for themselves. If they talked to him - or what words they said - remained unknown. The glass remained full, sitting in between Kinger’s monarch butterfly and Ragatha’s stuffed elephant.

Gangle brought in some of her art, most of it newly drawn. Caine again assisted by stringing it up on the fabric walls for her. Privately, she told them later she honestly expected Jax to knock them down for fun, but the days went by and they stayed in place. Pomni caught him more than once just standing in front of one, staring.

Pomni left her keyboard piano in there, and started to practice when he was awake and watching, speaking to him through what she was trying and how it didn’t sound right.

“It’s a G-D-C melody, not an A-D-E.” Was the first thing he told her the next time she went to visit.

The next time she tried, it sounded perfect.

“You know, we should really think up a name for this place.” She told him as she took a seat in her safe area. It was becoming a familiar motion. 

Jax was laying down this time, hands folded over his stomach as he stared up at the blank ceiling. “How about the Idiot Room, because only idiots visit here?”

“You’re here too.” She pointed out.
“I stand by what I said.” 

Okay, so that’s where they were at today. “If I ask you what you mean by that, will you tell me?”

Jax tilted his head, pupils huge. “Who can say?”

She frowned at him. “Have you ever tried loving yourself, even a bit?”

“What are you talking about? I love myself plenty.” If anything, his pupils got even more dilated. 

“I’m going to hug it into you one day, just you wait.” She grumbled.

“Weird threat, but go off I suppose.” He faced the ceiling again, his eyes falling low. He looked tired. 

Before Pomni could even think of something more to say, she saw his mouth twist up and he was turning on his side, already sinking away. “Sorry Poms, I’m just not feeling it today.”

She blinked up at the fort, her body barely glitching. She pat Jax’s shivering neck, and said, “That’s okay. Take a rest. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

How many times must it have been, now? Twenty? Thirty? She was losing count.

“Man, how long are you going to keep this up?” Jax complained, pacing back and forth in the small radius of his spotlight. A tiger caged. “You seriously got that much of a hero complex that you can’t just let me go?”

Pomni frowned. “You told me before you didn’t want to go.” The look he shot her was abrasive, as if he was offended she’d remembered. She continued before he could find a way to direct it, “Did you change your mind?”

His right eye twitched. “I hate you.”

“Noted. Answer the question.”

“Ugggh.” He stopped walking to stomp his foot like a petulant child, throwing his head back. “Should just throw you out right now.” When that garnered no response, he started up again, movements jerky and frantic. “I just don’t see the point, alright?!”

It wasn’t much of a reason, but she tried to guess anyways. “Because of the brain scan thing?”

“No.” Jax seemed to be uncomfortable all of a sudden, his pupils sort of dancing between sizes like he wasn’t sure if he could admit whatever he was thinking. When he did look at her, they were barely a pixel big. “You ever thought about it Poms? About dying and what it means? Sure, people might miss you, but I bet you also know somewhere in that little bowling ball shaped brain of yours that they’ll move on.” He turned away, spitting angrily at his feet. “So why does it matter if I’m there or not? No one needs me.”

For the first time since this whole thing started, Pomni became very aware of a problem she hadn’t even considered: Even if she did manage to get Jax to un-abstract, how could she keep him from doing it again the very next day? She hung her head, trying to find an answer to the heavy question. But as she tried to, she realized the core of the problem was she didn’t actually know what he meant. “Jax, define that for me.”

“Define what?”

She peeked up at him. “What does it mean to you, when a person needs another person?”

“I - well it’s-” He spluttered, confused. “I mean, isn’t it all the same?”

She shook her head. “Not necessarily. For me, when I think of that question, my answer stems from my Atahazagoraphobia.”

“Uh-?”

“It’s the fear of being forgotten.”

She saw the second those words connected with a very familiar memory. “I - oh, shit.” He started to retreat, but as he reached the edge of his light, he stopped. His eyes were darting all over the place, as if he was still trying to find an escape. “I- Pomni, I didn’t know. I swear I didn’t.”

“I know. I believe you.” Her smile was sympathetic. “Funny how phobias can trigger some nasty responses though, huh?”

“You should have hit me harder.”

“I hit you enough.” She decided. “Anyways, I wasn’t trying to call you out. I told you to make you think about it.” She fidgeted with one of the pompoms on her suit, nerves a little raw. “If I ever go, I want to be the person someone thought was worth putting a picture up for. To bother to come to my funeral. To still talk about me years later.”

Though it was steeped in unease, Jax chortled, “Well I have good news: the chick who literally defied digital God probably won’t be forgotten anytime soon.”

“Thanks Jax. That means a lot.” Pomni replied sincerely, smiling back at him. “Now your turn. What does it mean to you?”

He didn’t respond right away, just swaying on the balls of his feet and staring off into the middle distance. She could tell from the way his face schooled in concentration that he was thinking of a genuine answer though. 

After several long minutes, he fell back on his heels. Spoke hesitantly, “It’s… going to sound so stupid.” His fingers curled into fists. “I want to be… wanted. Not like - like for a job or something. But, to be that buddy who you’d want to call every day because their voice makes you feel better. Or the friend you’d hit up, just to ask if you want to hang. Or…” He hisses through his teeth, “The child whose parent who wants you in her home and it doesn’t come with a laundry list of caveats.”

Pomni hummed thoughtfully. “You want to be loved.” She concurred simply.

He winced, as if the word hurt him. Nodded just once. The tension drained from his body and he chuckled bitterly. “You see how this is a fucking problem for me? I want people with me, but I can’t stop pushing them away.”

With the same blaséness he’d given her before, she remarked, “Well good news: You have control of one of those two things. If you want people to love you, then you have to let them in enough to try.”

“It’s not that simple!” His tone was like a whip cracking.

“It’s only as complicated as you’re letting it be.” Pomni countered.

He grabbed at his chest, clawing at the center of his sternum. “What, you want me to just rip myself open for every last person I see? Bleed myself dry just because I can’t handle life?”

She sighed. “Stop taking everything to the extreme. No, of course I don’t mean giving yourself completely to every stranger on the street. But maybe chill on the personalized antagonism? And the lying.”

His expression soured. “I’m not going to-”

“I’m not talking about that.” Pomni stressed. “But, you could give a little bit more of yourself sometimes. Like back at the bar, when we were trading stories. Would it have killed you to give even a modicum of truth? It didn’t have to be something big. You could have told us you used to mow your neighbors lawns!”

“I never did that.”

She threw up her hands, frustrated. “Exactly! That was the whole point of the conversation! Believe it or not, people like to get to know each other before they suddenly decide they are ride or die for one another and not everyone's willing to play 4-D chess like I did to figure you out.”

“Maybe I like when they do.” He deflected instantly.

“No, you don’t.” Pomni countered harshly. “I think that might actually be in your top three most hated things.”

Jax blinked, then grinned. It was too wide and she felt miserable seeing it. “Wow, you really do know me.”

She buried her face in her hands, taking a few deep breaths to calm down. Clearly, this wasn’t working. But, maybe…

She peered at him through her fingers, contemplating.

Maybe it wasn’t about convincing him how to get people to care about him later. It was about showing him who cared right now.

Pomni took a longer, bracing inhale, before taking two very determined steps forward, like she already knew the ground would be solid. “I miss you.”

“Uh,” He jerked back a bit, clearly winded by the words. He crossed his arms, trying for nonchalance, “I’m right here?”

“I want more of you.” She declared. “I want to see you at breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. At the bar for a midnight drink. To laugh when we get completely shitfaced together. To team up on another adventure. I want you to show me how to play the piano for real.” Her voice was rising, becoming frenzied. “I want the Jax back who makes me laugh doing chaotic shit together. The one who taught me to loosen up a bit and have fun. Who I can banter with like no one else I’ve ever known.”

Jax’s fingers tightened on his arms,  “Pomni-” He shifted back, half covered in dark.

It only heightened her dismay. “I MISS YOU.” The words bellowed out of her with more force than intended, and it was only then she realized just how much grief was pouring out of her. 

He’d frozen, staring back at her wide-eyed. 

Her lips trembled, throat hitching on a sob. “Please. Please come back Jax.”

Gradually his face shifted from shock to regret. Then, to devastation. “Gods fucking damnit Poms.” He choked out, reaching up to cover his eyes. “You can’t just-” He sobbed. “Fuck.”

Like a tidal wave, the ground underneath her feet rolled. She lost her footing and slipped through.

Jax’s mournful “I’m sorry,” followed her all the way back to the fort.

“Are you sure you want to do this again so soon?” Ragatha asked as they all made their way to Jax’s fort. “Yesterday was… a lot.”

By ‘a lot’ she meant how Pomni had utterly collapsed into tears the moment they’d made it back to the common area, her anguish like acid tearing up her chest. She’d been holding it back this whole time, driving herself forward on her quest of bringing Jax back with such intensity she never really allowed herself to feel his loss until that very moment she’d screamed it at him. 

Now though, Pomni schooled her features, nodding with more confidence than she actually felt. “I’m sure. It was just… a heavy conversation, that’s all.”

On the other side of her, Gangle tapped her ribbon tips together, offering shyly, “It wouldn’t hurt to take a break though, right? If it was as rough as you say, I’m sure Jax would understand.”

Annoyance flared. “I appreciate it, but I got this.” Her sharp tone had both of the girls angling back, hurt. Ugh. She took in a few calming inhales. If she was losing it over simple, understandable concerns, how was she going to handle the emotional rollercoaster that was Jax? 

Maybe she had been pushing herself too much.

“I’m sorry. You’re right. I’ve been acting a little crazy over this whole thing, huh?” Pomni conceded, glancing between them. “Look, I need to check up on him. If the day was bad for me, it was for him too. But… maybe after, I can cut the trip short. Relax a bit. Maybe we could all go down by the lake even?”

Ragatha placed a hand on her shoulder, smiling steadily. “I think that’d be nice.”

“R&R is a vital form of preventative self-care for you beautiful humans.” Caine reported as he floated on by. “If your hearts desire any particular aquatic recreational activities, I’d be happy to provide.”

“Thanks Caine.” Maybe she’d ask for a jetski; she was pretty good at riding waves thanks to a certain temperamental bunny. She let the humor of that lighten her as she climbed up the pillow wall with the others. Jax was in his favorite corner, curled up in a tight ball like a slumbering cat, though all his eyes remained open. 

During one of their more idle conversations, she’d asked if he actually ever slept - he’d told her it wasn’t quite “sleeping” so much as just turning off all his senses from the world. Her follow up question was how he always seemed to know when she was there. 

“Don’t worry Pom.” He had assured her with a mean grin. “You’re too annoying to tune out.” 

A chirpy, “Hey Jax, we’re here!” was usually enough to rouse him. But today, he didn’t so much as twitch. 

“Jaaaax?” She tried again, really stretching the name in a way she knew he hated.

Nothing. 

Pomni frowned. Maybe this was going to be a cold shoulder day? To test it, she laid a palm on him, bracing herself for the kickback that would throw her across the fort, like his body had become electricity and she was being caught in the negative charge.

Nothing happened.

Her hypothetical heart kicked up, flooding her with adrenaline, though she tried to beat it down with logic. It would be just like him, messing with her like this, escaping the emotions she’d forced him to face with a prank at her expense. “Very funny jokester. Wake up already.”

No response.

Unsure what else to try, she did something almost definitely stupid and poked him in one of his many eyes.

Not even a blink.

No. No, no, no. Why?

“W-What’s wrong with him?” Gangle called anxiously.

“I…I don’t know!” She replied, fighting down panic. This didn’t feel like a joke anymore. What had happened? Had she pushed too hard? Managed to break his mind further?

Was he… gone?

Pomni pressed her other hand on him, shaking him as violently as she could. “Jax! This isn’t funny anymore!”

Wringing the lasso in her grasp, Ragatha piped up. “Maybe he’s just feeling bad today?”

“I dunno this… seems off. Right?” Zooble remarked.

“Now, now, everyone. Calm down. I’m sure he’s fine.” 

Ordinarily, Pomni felt better when Kinger talked in his soothing dad tone. This time, it only agitated her further. “He’s clearly not!”

There was a familiar dial-up noise, then a microwave ding. “Code is still stable.” Caine announced, proud to contribute.

“That doesn’t mean anything!” She shrieked, slamming her fists against the Abstraction’s body. The impact seemed to cause jagged ripples to run over his body, but otherwise he didn’t move. Like he was- “Damnit Jax! Where are you?” 

She hit him again. 

“Get up!” 

And again. 

“I said GET UP.” 

And again.

“PLEASE!”

And-

Her next strike was barely more than a tap, all the fight going out of her at once. “Why?” She slumped over him, forehead pressing against his body, struggling to hold back tears. “Damnit…”

Her eyes squeezed shut. “Why do I always do this? Why do I think I can fix everything? I’m so stupid!”

She heard the lasso hit the ground. Stuffed feet padding towards her. “Pomni.”

She wasn’t sure how far her girlfriend got before it happened.

The body under her undulated, a digitized screech blaring into her eardrums. She gasped, starting to pull back, when the solid form underneath her gave in like putty. She sunk into it, dark, neon-eyed tendrils winding up around her limbs like octopus arms. “W-What!?”

The last thing she heard before she was pulled in was Ragatha screaming her name.

It was like she was on a rollercoaster, the speed of motion pressing against her entire body as she was yanked up by an unseen force. She flew through darkness, arms locked to her sides and face stretched in a grimace. It reminded her of the collision she’d triggered during the Candy Kingdom Adventure to get herself and Gummigoo out from under the map.

Just when she was beginning to think she couldn’t take much more, she seemed to reach the surface, thrown upwards like a leaping dolphin only to crash ungracefully back down, smacking onto a solid floor. Her bearings came back slowly, her blurry vision focusing on the only light in the room.

It was pink.

A familiar voice cut through the haze. “I told you you’d get hurt. Why don’t you ever listen?”

Full awareness slammed back into her as she understood where she had to be, and as the spots cleared, she was able to make out the rabbitoid shape before her. He was only a few feet away - the closest she’d ever been since this all began.

Much like that first time, he was sitting back against the lightpole, but unlike that time, he was on the opposite side, facing away from her. His head was draped over his knees, long ears limp against the arms he was using to hold himself with.

Pomni got to her feet, a sense of calm overcoming her as she boldly strode forward. 

The ground didn’t give way. 

In just a few paces, she had reached him. She took a seat in front of him, hands on her crossed ankles as she lent towards him. “Hi.”

Jax inhaled sharply, whole chest seeming to lift with it. The returned “hey” streamed out on the exhale.

“You ready to go?” She asked, placing a hand on his arm. 

She could feel him trembling. “No.” He gripped himself tighter, legs seeming to cage him in further. “I-I don’t know.” Fingers dug in enough to indent his body. “What if I can’t do it? What if I go back and I’m not any better?” His breathing was getting rapid. “What if there really is nothing more to me than this? What’s the point if I just hurt everyone again?!”

“I guess it’s up to you to make sure you don’t.” She asserted.

He sucked in another gasp and held it. Small black squares peeked at her above his arms. “You make it sound easy.”

“It won’t be. Most days are gonna be hard. Really hard.” Pomni hesitated, but she’d never been the type to sugarcoat things. She wasn’t going to start now. “You’ll mess up sometimes. Fall back on old habits. Get angry when it seems to take forever to see improvement. But as long as you don’t give up on being the version of yourself you do love, I promise it’ll get better.”

“And… if I do give up?”

“Then I’ll be here to not give up on you instead. Everyone else too, if you’ll let them.” She gave his arm a reassuring squeeze. “If you keep letting us in, I promise we won’t let you fall again. You just gotta take the first step.”

“Heh… first step, huh?” He lifted his head the rest of the way. His face was terrified.

And hopeful.

“Pomni?” Jax said.

“Yeah?” She replied.

Tears gathered. “I want to go home.”

“Okay.” She conceded, getting to her feet. Held out a hand. “Let’s go.”

He reached for hers and took it.

The light above them went out.

“Pomni?” He called from the dark.

“Yeah?” She called back.

“Thank you.”

This time when the floor underfoot gave way, they exited together.

“Pomni!” 

Her eyes snapped open. She found herself back where she’d been just minutes before, still sunk elbow-deep into the Abstraction. Except the once tendrils that had gripped onto her wrists had reformed into yellow gloves.

Her heart jumpstarted and she threw her whole weight backwards, yanking with all her might. Screamed over her shoulder to the others. “Help us! Pull us out!”

“What-?” She was pretty sure that had been Gangle, confused and surprised, but it was hard to tell over all the digitized screaming.

Caine’s voice was booming. “You heard the foreman!” A snap and Pomni felt the lasso rope around her waist. “Tug-of-War Adventure, now!”

He must have also placed it in everyone’s hands, because Pomni felt the slack become taut almost instantly. With their extra leverage, she was able to start slowly walking backwards, purple arms emerging from the muck with every inch gained.

But also with every step made, the Abstraction around Jax grew more violent, its horrifying screeches becoming deafeningly discordant and its form bulging around its prisoner. As if it didn’t want to let him go. 

“Uhhh, what’s going on!?” It was hard to tell if Ragatha’s franticness was over the situation or just the noise.

“Who cares?” Zooble countered. “Just pull!”

“Heave-Ho!” Kinger hollered.

Pomni felt like her arms were gonna unlock from her shoulders. She only pulled harder, seeing his elbows now, a bubble of black forming between them. “Come on, keep going! We got this!” She encouraged, hoping they could hear her.

Another tug, another step, and his head burst free. Jax gasped like he was taking in air for the first time in months. His eyes, swirling with abstraction, stared back at her. “Pom-ni?!” He cried, voice distorted.

There was a cacophony of shocked responses behind her, though the most clear of them all was Zooble’s resounding, “Holy shit.”

Hysterical laughter left her. “Hang on Jax! We got you!”

He shut his spiraling eyes, face pulled into a grimace, but his grip on her only tightened.

She wasn’t sure if they all got a second wind at once or it was just the knowledge that they were actually doing it increased their determination, but everyone suddenly doubled down, using every ounce of strength they had to haul him out. His shoulders emerged, shortly followed by his torso. The more of him they got back, the easier it became and the more the Abstraction bubbled outwards, climbing towards the fort’s ceiling, mimicking the height and howl of a tornado. The ground was starting to quake, like the Circus was straining under the sheer amount of glitched mass filling it. Still, they didn’t stop.

“We’re almost there!” Pomni exclaimed, now seeing he was free up to his waist.

“Keep going!” Ragatha chorused with her.

Gangle cheered along, “Come on!”

“Heave-HO!” Kinger repeated with even more zeal.

When they’d gotten him out to his knees, all the eyes on the abstraction started to burst like overheated lightbulbs, bleeding tie-dye rainbows over the black form. Jax squinted his eyes back open, blues and greens and oranges and yellows and pinks all glowing along his cheeks as the swirls cycled. He looked back, teeth grit, and bent his right knee. Pulling with them.

“Yes!”

“A little more!”

“One more good tug!”

“HO-HEAVE!”

Pomni threw her weight back with everyone else one more time. Jax’s right foot came free and touched the ground. Everything that came next happened in quick succession.

With the extra leverage, Jax was able to vault off the floor, yanking the rest of himself out.

With all their combined weight behind him though, he flew forward, colliding with Pomni’s stomach, sending them clear across the fort and everyone else to the ground.

The Abstraction gave one final wail before it burst like a tar bubble, slinging pockets of corrupted code everywhere.

Most of them shouted as it came raining down.

Caine threw his arms out, freezing it all instantly. 

Panting, Pomni stared at the dribbling mass just two inches from impacting her abdomen, and watched as their ringleader brought his hands together, gathering it all up in one big heap above them, encasing it all in a clear, shiny bubble.

With a snap of his fingers, it was gone.

The silence following the din was almost eerie. 

The first thing to break it was a long, drawn out groan, followed by a quieter “Ow” as Jax sat up beside her, pressing his hands to his head. “Remind me never to do that again.”

The entire tent came alive. 

“Jax!” More than one person yelled, running towards them.

He flinched a bit, the noise possibly too much. The sudden burst of confetti above him probably didn’t help either.

“Wowie-zowie!” Caine celebrated, the first to zoom to their sides. “Congratulations on your return from the brink Jax!”

Zooble sighed, stopping a few paces back. “Caine, that was a poor choice of words.”

“What do you mean? I thought you humans always celebrate births?”

“Wh-?! This isn’t what a birthday is!”

“But it is a miracle.” Kinger added, sounding like he was in his own distant world.

“Yeah.” Gangle tapped her ribbons together. “I can’t believe this is really possible.”

While they bickered and bantered, Pomni placed a hand on his shoulder, sharing a smile with Ragatha as she knelt and did the same on his other side. 

“How do you feel?” The doll asked kindly.

“Ugh. Like I got my skin ripped off.” Jax scoffed into his palms. “Again.” 

The scathing addition had Caine making a meek, guilty noise. Wait. Had that really happened?

Pomni tried not to focus too much on it, instead saying, “Is there anything we can get for you?”

“Nah.” He said, hands finally dropping into his lap, trying for a grin. “I’m fine.”

The sight he exposed almost had Pomni jerking her hand back. It certainly had everyone else taking a step away. 

Ragatha was cupping her own to her chest now. “A-Are you?”

He looked around at them. “What’s with you all?”

“Your… your face.” Gangle feebly offered.

“My-?” Jax started to poke and prod at himself, growing more frantic when he couldn’t feel anything different. “What’s wrong with it!?”

Oh boy. Pomni's grip on him tightened, trying to be reassuring even as she prepared for this to possibly go very wrong. “Caine. A mirror please.”

A finger snap and a gold hand mirror that looked like it came from a Beauty and the Beast playset floated in front of Jax, perfectly distanced for himself to see what they all did.

And see he did, straight at the tiny, light blue squares drowning in a sea of light pink sclera, though the longer he stared the larger they got until the pink was only crescent-moon slivers. His teeth shared the rosy hue, and he shakily rose a hand to his mouth, hooking a finger in his lips and stretching, as if making sure it was going underneath before he let it snap back into place. That only drew attention to his other new feature - a snaking, jagged pattern starting at the underside of his left glove, winding like ivy up his arm and across his shoulder. Then it skirted up along the side of his neck, curving around the leftmost side of the back of his head, before dramatically swerving to chase a path along his forehead, ending in a delicate spiral around his right ear. The thorny edges reminded Pomni of the spiky bits from an agitated abstraction.

Jax danced a hand along that too, face blank as he processed his new look. “How…?”

There was the sound of blue-screening, before Caine scratched the edge of his jaw thoughtfully. “Fascinating! Your mind file is intact but it’s updated.”

“Updated?!” Zooble shouted in righteous offense. “He abstracts and gets an update? What bullshit!” 

He quickly waved his hands placatingly. “Er, perhaps not the best descriptor. What I mean is, he has strikethroughs that weren’t there before.”

“Like… like it’s crossed out?”

“Precisely, my dear Gangle!”

Pomni shook her head, the potential magnitude of that worrying. “Wait. That won’t hurt him, will it?”

“I don’t know! Let’s check.” Caine dove in close, causing the rabbit to jerk back uncomfortably. 

Though she’d clued him in on the A.I’s return and reformation, this was Jax’s first real interaction with him since the whole torture debacle. So no one could blame the way his eyes darted around, looking for an escape. “Uhhhh…?”

Caine didn’t touch him though, just gazed unblinkingly like he was scanning through his very binary. After several long, uncomfortable seconds, he pulled back with a cheery, “Your retopology and rigging are both completely intact. These new ornamentations seem to be completely cosmetic.”

“So it’s like, scarring?” Ragatha said, voice painfully small. 

Pomni glanced at her girlfriend, not liking the way she was running a hand across her cheek just shy of her button eye, tracing something unseen. Liked it so much less when she traded the touch to ghost down the length of her forearm. 

“Why, that’s an excellent way of putting it!” Caine said, completely unaware of the tension the room was suddenly heavy with. 

The only one willing to match his energy was Jax, succeeding in pulling up his trademark grin this time. “Ah well, whatcha gonna do? Guess it looks kinda cool even. Gonna miss that xanthic though. Think you’ve got a better X-word for me, Pompom?”

“Jax.” She cautioned gently but he ignored her.

“No?” His voice rose a bit in volume. “Eh, no biggie. Anyone want lunch? I’m starved. All this excitement really works up a - uh. Rags?”

He looked from the hand now firmly back on his shoulder to the woman it belonged to. Ragatha’s voice was watery, “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me.”

“What are you-?” Jax cut himself off, ears shooting up straight as she leaned forward to hug him.

Pomni tensed alongside him, knowing what was coming and unsure if she should stop it when she noticed the way one of his hands curled up in a fist while the other reached up with clear intent.

But just as he touched the top of her red hair, Ragatha’s abrupt sob froze him completely. Whether it was because of the emotion or because it was for him, it caused something in him to become unwound, hand slipping down to her back instead, returning the embrace.

“G…Geez Raggy, what’s all this? You trying to waterlog my fur?” He said with forced detachment. “It wasn’t that big of a deal. I was just taking a nap.” The last few words came out high and strained. The brave face he was trying to put on cracked, his act shattering around him with a twist in his smile and a choked out, “That I didn’t plan to wake up from.”

Pomni slid over, pressing against his side like an anchor, there to hold him at sea for the storm to come. Still, Jax tettered on the edge, and it was Zooble who finally broke him with nothing more than an honest, “Well, we’re glad you did, asshole.”

“Tch. Fuck.” He slumped, curling into Ragatha’s embrace completely, like a child seeking comfort.

There, in the midst of the fort created just for him, surrounded by the ones who did everything they could to bring him back, with no more walls to hide behind, Jax let go and cried.