Chapter Text
There wasn’t much to do, being an abstraction. Jax could at least be grateful that his comrades knew to keep him in the dark - The light promised a non-stop torrent of cartoonish psychosis that was only loosely related to the people he knew and the things that he’d done. He’d gotten used to nightmares, to floating aimlessly through the reality in his own head and drowning out as much as he could. Time got lost in here. Sometimes the others came to visit, but he got the sense it hadn’t been long enough for them to really forgive him. Gangle only visited once, and he could hear the bitterness in her voice when she said how cruel he’d been to her. He hadn’t apologized, and he hadn’t seen her again.
All the rest came intermittently, with the sad sympathies of someone visiting a loved one in a hospital. He always hated that. He wasn’t sick, nor was he dead. He didn’t know what he was… Lost, he supposed. But either way, it didn’t exactly make things better to be talked to like a cancer patient. Pomni visited the most. She was the only one who ever told jokes, or tried, anyway. He waited eagerly for her to come back. Missed her.
But the visits, any visits, were rare, and time stretched on and on between them. When he was in the dark, his life was more of a lucid dream than a nightmare. He could remember more acutely who he was, where he was, what had happened to him. The stories that played out in front of him ceased to be over-the-top theatrical productions of his memories and started to be the memories themselves, windows into his past both in life and in the circus. Overtime he had learned that he had some control over what he watched and where he dwelled. He had few childhood memories he had any fondness for, even fewer in the circus, and it was rare he had any fantasies worth indulging in. As such, he usually ended up here.
Every chance he could for the past few weeks (months? It was hard to tell in here) he had come here. He sat underneath the lamplight and stared up at a twinkling night sky, arms wrapped around his knees and the cool night sending a shiver down his spine. Beneath him was grass, and in front of him was the white siding of a suburban house. He remembered this place vaguely, some friend’s house that used to have movie nights on a projector in his yard, mosquitos buzzing and cars rushing past on the nearby road. The projector would flicker to life and there, ridged by the bumps on the house, was Her.
She towered over him, taking up the entire siding of the house, and moved slowly like she was moving through the water. Her hair was black, cascading down her shoulders in waves, and her skin was fair and plump and hairless and soft. She had such a wonderful smile - A little embarrassed about the tobacco stains on her teeth, she raised a hand to cover her face. Her dark eyes twinkled. Her cheeks were pink, eyeliner winged, shirt hanging off her shoulder. And everybody loved her.
Jax would sit there and watch her do anything. It was something he’d done for a long time, even before the circus. He used to tell himself he’d really do it one of these days. He’d become her. But every time he’d tried he found that his hand was unsteady. The eyeliner would poke him in the eye and run in messy lines around his eyes. His mother’s clothes were ill-fitting, too tight around the waist and too loose around the hips, and his hair, though long enough, was greasy and fell in wires around his acne-marked face. He’d look in the mirror for half a second before hastily stripping off what he’d put on. In the mirror was just what he’d expected to see, what he always saw and what his mother ranted and raved about when she watched young people on the news - One of those faggots. He gave up on finding the beautiful woman who he watched now. And even if he was going to change his mind, it was impossible now. He was abstracted, his mind had gone. All he could do was dream.
So, he dreamed of her. And dreamed, and dreamed, and dreamed. As the days passed she would do anything he could think of. Now he watched her as she ordered food from McDonalds, kicked her feet on the dashboard of her car as she laughed with her friends and tucked the french fries between her teeth, wiping her hands on her skirt as she reached for the steering wheel. She got into the shower and ran the shampoo through her hair, watching it as it ran down between her breasts and down her soft stomach, down between her legs and to her feet. She woke up in the morning and her mascara on while listening to punk rock tracks she’d always loved, looking in her own mirror in her own cluttered apartment. She wore a long white dress and walked down the aisle, a big smile on her face as she pushed her veil up over her head. Who was next to her wasn’t important. She was getting married, and she was happy, and her future was bright.
The wedding scene was one he watched on loop. He wasn’t sure why. He’d never really fantasized about getting married to anyone in particular, never considered himself much of a romantic, and he never really thought all that hard about the man or woman that she would be marrying. It was something about the day itself. All the family in the seats crying with happiness, everyone around seeing the most perfect, delicate, wonderful, beautiful girl. Her smile and her perfect skin, her hair and makeup done by professionals. Hands around a soft bouquet and white tulle in a ring of light around her. Veil like a halo. She was an angel.
And then, right as she was about to start giving her vows, she stopped. Jax watched her closely. He had seen this movie a thousand times before - This was the time where she started reading her vows, inaudible and watery, and the crowd aww’d sympathetically as she began to cry. But now she was frozen. Jax was about to move towards the projector to see if it had broken when she at last moved again, only this time, she turned to face him. She looked at him. And he looked at her.
Jax’s heart was tight in his chest. She wasn’t supposed to do that. She wasn’t supposed to break the fourth wall. What was this? Another nightmare? Had he slipped into the light without noticing? He stood up as he watched her closely. She turned upwards, staring above her as if she could see the array of stars, rather than the ceiling of the church she should have been inside. Her eyes scanned the heavens. Then, with a sigh, she took a step forward. She began to move upwards. She was on a staircase, Jax realized. Going upwards, up outside the frame of the camera.
“Wait!” Jax cried out in a panic, “Where are you going?!”
But there was no stopping her. Some part of him had already realized what was happening. Wouldn’t it be nice if it was some kind of metaphor or dream? If she was leaving here to go some other place in his head? But he could already feel her pulling away from him, could see the white light appearing above her and beginning to hover up into the side. She was leaving. Leaving leaving.
“No, wait! You don’t belong out there, don’t!” He called after her. But with one more step she was out of the frame. The white light shot straight up into the sky, and everything flashed. He threw his arm up and by the time he lowered it, she was gone. “No…” he whispered.
He had never meant for her to see the light of day. She had been a fantasy. A dream. Something private, just for him. And now she was out. Out.
Shit.
Out on the campgrounds of the Circus, the remaining non-abstracted humans stared up at Caine, who was hovering proudly in front of a large building covered by a white sheet. Since his change of heart, he had begun testing the limits of how many areas he could make. He still wasn’t sure where exactly they lied, but as he had not yet overexerted himself after making a bar for Zooble, a stable for Ragatha, and an art studio for Gangle, he decided there was no reason not to go on making more. This last project had taken him more time than the others, a fact which left everyone itching to see what he had done.
“Good evening, humans!” he exclaimed, throwing out his hands, “I know you have all been waiting so patiently for me to finish my project, and I am glad to announce that it is finally one hundred percent finished! This very special circus location will be beloved by young and old. Its fascinating, unusual, and perhaps even spooky sights will be talked about for years to come! I present to you… my special gift for Pomni…”
As a drumroll beat on, Pomni crossed her fingers and said repeatedly to herself, “Abandoned skate park, abandoned skate park, abandoned skate park…”
“The all-new Mysterious Abandoned Mall!”
A jaunty song kicked up as he yanked the cloth off of the building, revealing a tall, square building with a spot on the front that might have had a sign once, but which now had only a faded absence and the clumsily graffiti’d words ‘Mysterious Abandoned Mall’. Pomni squealed with excitement.
Beginning to teleport them to different locations inside the mall, Caine gave them the spiel. “The abandoned mall has such wonderful features as… Stores from decades ago that you can’t find anymore! Dangerous balcony! Rats! Man squatting!”
An NPC sleeping under a newspaper piped up, “Man, just- just leave me alone, what do you want?”
“Left-behind valuable goods!” Caine continued, flipping into a new room, “Impossible-to-navigate hallways! Uncountable pretzel stands! And more!” Teleporting them to the wide, empty lobby of the mall, Caine raised a finger and went on. “I went ahead and made the geometry inside the mall non-Euclidean - A little experiment I’ve been working on - So it should be just about impossible not to get lost! If you ever need a little help, feel free to just call my name or simply jump out of any visible window and you will fall safely out of the mall and back into the campgrounds!”
“Well, it’s certainly a change of style,” Zooble said, doing a slow turn-around as they observed the high, dangerous balconies. “But I gotta say, I’m kinda into it.” Their eyes lingered on a playground in the middle of the lobby, with large plastic animals with the paint chipping around their eyes. “The spooky playground is a nice touch.”
“I love it!” Pomni declared, “This is exactly the kind of place me and my friends would hang out outside the Circus! Thank you, Caine. You’re the best!” She threw her arms out for a hug and Caine hovered down, a blush coming to his cheeks as he did his best to hug her without catching her in his teeth.
“Aw… It was nothing. Just had to practice a little infinite hallway generation and the rest wrote itself!”
“This is kinda nice!” Ragatha said brightly, “I’m impressed to see you branching out a little bit, Caine! This is way outside your usual cartoon-y style. You’re really improving as an artist!”
He sprung up and appeared hardly two inches away from her, eyes wide with excitement. “You think so?!” he exclaimed.
Gangle raised her hand. “Um, Caine? I have a question.”
“Yes Gangle?” he said, immediately hovering back up again.
“Can we still buy things even though the mall is abandoned? It might be nice to have a regular, you know… mall.”
“Well, there’s no money in the Circus, Gangle, and all of the stores still retain a lot of abandoned goods and treasures! Feel free to take from any store exactly what you like, as for customer service, I’m afraid that to maintain the abandoned aesthetic of the mall, I have, for the time being, kept it NPC-free.”
“Oh, look, an NPC!” Kinger said, and pointed off into a store. The bucket was off of his head so everyone who turned was ready to see a hat rack or a potted plant or something to that extent, but to their surprise there was indeed an NPC standing there. They were fairly plain, the usual wooden model, but with a singular pink bow placed on the right side of their head.
“Huh,” Caine said, putting a hand to his chin. “I guess maybe I left one behind from the testing stage…”
The gang began to gather outside the store that the NPC was standing in, labeled Charms Boutique in cursive letters. “Hey! Nice to meet you!” they said brightly. They had a sort of breathy voice, not quite deep but not so high-pitched either, with a playful effeminate quality that bounced from note to note. Most of them recognized it as feminine, but Zooble immediately took note of the sound of transfeminine voice training. She stepped in closer the instant she heard the warm and familiar sound - So many of her friends outside the Circus had voices like that. “I’m Jade, and I’m the last employee here in the Abandoned Mall! Guess they couldn’t get rid of me!” she giggled, putting her hands on her hips.
Pomni narrowed her eyes at the NPC, then remembered to force a smile. She felt like she’d heard that voice before.
“Hi, Jade!” Gangle said cheerfully with a wave of her ribbon.
Zooble pushed themself forward. “Hi. I am so sorry if this is rude, but… Are you trans?”
Jade laughed. “Uh, what gave me away? Was it the quarterback shoulders or the voice that’s still somehow clocky in a magical fantasy Circus?”
“Oh, no way!” Zooble said, a brightness coming into their eyes, “I haven’t talked to another trans person literally since I got in here. I’m Zooble!”
“Ooh, charmed!” she said, her voice going high as she extended her hand, “Well, you know what they say, dykes and dolls oughta stick together! I think I’ll keep you around!”
Zooble grinned, and shook her hand. “Yeah! Sounds great!”
“So, Jade, you know what the Circus is?” Pomni asked cautiously.
“Oh yeah. I know I’m an NPC too, in case you’re wondering. New thing Caine’s trying. Figured it’s probably more humane to just let us know what we are ahead of time instead of risking us having some sort of full-blown crisis about it down the line. Isn’t that right Caine-y?”
Caine gave her a thumbs up. “That’s right, Jade! Hope you and the NPCs Union are all doing swell!”
“Wow! That doesn’t bother you?” Pomni asked.
“Not in the slightest! Now, as an NPC, it is my NPC duty to give you my spiel about my highly-valued wares! Can I get you set up with something? Maybe a new skirt for the lady?” She gestured to Gangle.
Gangle giggled, and blushed. “Well… some new clothes would be nice,” she said, “I haven’t gone shopping in forever!”
“I’m sure you’ll fall right back into it. It’s just like riding a bike!” She threw an arm around Kinger. “What about you, sir? Now, if I had to guess, I’d say you were here shopping for your beautiful wife!”
“Oh, my wife doesn’t wear clothes anymore!” He answered, raising a finger, “But perhaps you could point me to the jewelry?”
“Of course! Now would you say she looks best in gold or silver?”
“She looks good in everything. But she definitely wore more gold.”
“Makes sense. You know, I have a theory, that in most couples there’s one gold person and one silver person. And you could definitely pull off some silver cufflinks! Or maybe a little earring moment, get a little gender-weird with it?”
Kinger smiled and looked down. “Oh, jeez. My piercings closed up after the Bowie years. But I guess I could give it a go…”
“That’s what I like to hear! And you!” She turned to Ragatha, “Bestill my heart, it’s Raggedy Anne but cuter! You know, I bet you would just kill in a scoop-neck dress.”
“That’s actually my favorite style!” Ragatha said brightly, “You have a really good eye for an NPC! Oop- sorry. I hope that wasn’t offensive!”
“Oh, no offense taken, doll-face. Trust me, when you’re up against Caine’s gems like fish one and fish two like I am, you understand that not all NPCs are held up to your standard.”
The rest of the group laughed, but Pomni narrowed her eyes at the stranger. “Doll-face…” she repeated softly. “Hey, Jade? It’s so nice to meet you… I was wondering. Have we ever met before? Like, have you ever been in an adventure or another building before this?”
Jade looked at her - Or, rather, turned to face her with her blank, eyeless wooden face - And then shrugged. “No. I just appeared in this mall a few minutes ago. Why?”
Pomni smiled. Must have just been Caine reusing pieces, she thought. And it wasn’t so odd to call her Doll-face. She was probably just thinking of him. Missing him. “No reason,” she answered, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“You are so fine, little jester-girl! And by the way. I am obsessed with your make up.”
“Oh. Thank you! I… didn’t really have a say in it. Just kind of… appeared this way.”
“Ugh! Some girls get all the luck. I thought about doing makeup but I don’t really have any features to highlight.” She put a hand on her hip.
Zooble crossed their arms. “You should come by the bar sometime,” they said, “My girlfriend and I really try to curate a queer space there. Maybe she could even, I don’t know, draw you a new face. She’s a really good artist. That way, we could tell you apart.”
“Ooh…” she cooed, “I like that idea. I’ll swing by tonight. Thanks so much for inviting me, you guys seem super great!”
“Anytime!” Zooble answered.
“But, as for now, I’m on the clock,” Jade sighed. She fished two dresses off the hangers and held them up. “Who wants to try something on first?”