Chapter Text
It’s been a month since Tup and I are part of 501st, Torrent Company. And it is…different than I expected. The brotherhood every cadet and tubie was talking about on Kamino…it feels like it’s just for a very specific type of a vod. The definition that I don’t fit in.
I flinch when another burst of laughter startles me. It appears Jesse has just won another sabacc round, and made it his life goal to tell everyone.
"Don’t worry, Tup’ika. Maybe you’ll win next time." He says to my twin with a wink and I see Tup smiling in response. "You bet I will!" Tup hollers, "Let’s play again!" He exclaims joyfully, and I shrink further on myself. I’ve come here with Tup, but only because of him, we should stay together after…our batchmates…
I shake my head, I don’t want to be here, but…I shouldn’t leave. The ARCs and Hardcase already dislike me, and consider me a boring company, no point in showing them they’re right.
"Dogma! You wanna play with us in this round?" Tup asks hopefully, eyes glowing with joy. I shake my head. "No, you know…I’m not very good with cards…" I mumble and hear a few chuckles. "Don’t worry, Dogma. Hardcase’s not the best either." Fives says and I bristle. It’s not really that I can’t play, but I see how they do it. Hardcase scoffs at Fives, and looks at me. "C’mon, Dogma. Tup’ika will help you if you need it." He smiles, and I find myself nodding. "Okay, I…I can try…" I whisper, earning joyful applause that makes me regret my decision already. I don’t want to see the ARCs breaking all the sabacc rules or making their own, as it suits their cards.
"Finally coming out of that shell of yours, I see. Good, clones should stick to their vod’e." Kix says softly, holding out cards, which I take. I try to have fun from the game, but with them, it’s impossible.
"Umm…but…it’s not how you should play sabacc…" I mumble. Fives scoffs. "Relax, Dogma. It ‘ain’t battlefield where such things matter." He says, turning his attention to Tup. "Okay, Tup’ika. Would you explain Dogma why we play like that, vod?" He asks. "Okay, so, Dogma…" Tup starts, but I raise my hand to stop him. "No…no need. I’ll just…head back to my bunk." I whisper, standing up.
"Hey, Dogma, you okay?" Kix asks, and I nod. "Yeah. Just tired." I reply, stepping out of the ARCs barracks. "Dogma, wait-" I hear Tup calling but one of the ARCs says something and he resigns. With a sigh, I let the door close and go down the corridor to our barracks. It’s quiet, most clones are probably in 79s, or, like Torrent’s ARCs, playing sabacc, enjoying some time of peace of our leave on Coruscant. I pass only one or two clones, both are ones of the older clones from 501st. I see them nodding, but I don’t nod back, too caught up in my thoughts. Why are the ARCs like that? Almost like they are trying to push me away from Tup.
They don’t want me around, that much is clear. Well, ARCs for sure. Hardcase at least tries, but he always looks up to them. Kix…Kix, as a CMO, cannot treat anyone differently than others, but still, I don’t feel comfortable around him. Not like I am with Tup, if we’re alone. If…if someone else’s there, they always try to draw Tup closer.
I don’t even notice when I reach mine and Tup’s barracks that we share with few other clones, but moments later I’m here, slowly stepping inside. I look around, trying to see if anyone’s inside. Luckily, the barracks are empty, they must have gone to 79s. I sigh, shedding off my lower armor and locking it up in the locker.
I flop down on my bunk, turning with my face towards the wall, curling up on myself, wrapping a blanket around my body. It’s thin and rough, but I can at least cover my head if someone enters, pretend to be asleep.
Well, I don’t need to pretend, I quickly fall asleep, tired after whole day spent with Tup and the ARCs.
*****
"Tup, wait!" I yell, out of breath, trying to catch up with him. Tup turns around, mocking smile on his face. "Dogma, you know that it’s you who need me." He laughs, and runs further away from me, into darkness surrounding us. "Tup!" I feel tears welling up in my eyes, I want to follow him, but I can’t move. "Tup, why did you leave me?" I cry out, sob escaping my throat.
I hear a snort coming from behind me and I spin around. Jesse and Fives stand there, arms crossed. Tup’s suddenly behind them, looking absolutely bored and disgusted.
"Maybe, he just doesn’t want to waste his life with you? You’re not even a vod." Jesse says, jabbing his finger at me. I flinch, causing a burst of laughter from Fives. "Yeah, Dogma. You’re just a clone, defective, too." The ARC Trooper says. I sink to my knees, now openly crying, trying not to listen to their mockery and Tup’s laughter, filled with malice.
I wake up with a rattled gasp, my cheeks are still wet from tears, as well as my pillow. Immediately, I feel a creaking sound below and someone worms themself into by bunk, outstretching their hand to touch my shoulder. I flinch away with a stifled sob, and the hand backs away.
"Dogma…" Tup says softly. "What’s wrong?" He asks worriedly. "Nothing. Just…a dream, that’s all." I mumble, pushing a blanket further up, creating a barrier between me and Tup. Deep down, I know that he cares for me, but, if I told him about my fears…he’d think of me as a weak, pathetic person. No, I better keep it for myself.
"Okay…but Dogma, you can talk with me, right?" Tup asks, and I jerkily nod from under the blanket. Not like I’m going to talk to anyone about that, but no one needs to know.
I hear that Tup goes back to sleep, his bunk breaks a little as he lays down.
*****
"Tup? Tup, where are you? Is everything okay?" I try once again to raise Tup on comms, but he doesn’t answer. I’ve already tried a few times, but the results are the same. I check the chrono on the wall, according to it, it’s 0230. I get up with a sigh, and leave the barracks. He’s probably with the ARCs in their barracks, playing sabacc, or something. I walk down the corridor, carefully looking at every clone, in case it’s Tup. When I reach ARC barracks, I find that the doors are locked, so I gently knock. No one opens. Something must have happened…
I-I don’t know where to go looking for him, he just seem to have disappeared. Maybe Captain Rex would know, but he wouldn’t bother with such a small problem, he’s got much more serious matters to deal with. So I just turn on my heel, slowly walking back to my barracks. It’s been a few hours since I’ve last seen Tup. Actually, I think it was about 2100 hours, before I went to the fresher.
Once I got back to the barracks, Flight and his batchmates, Rail and Leaf are awake, sitting on their bunks, talking about something, gesticulating wildly. They drop their conversation when they see me, however.
"Dogma! Were did you go to?" Rail asks warmly, and I feel their eyes on me as I make my way to my bunk. "Fresher." I lie, they don’t need to know I’m looking for Tup. "Going back to sleep now, though." I say, laying back down, hearing them going back to conversation, speaking in hushed voices.
"Dogma!" I hear from the doorway. I jolt upright, because, it’s, it’s him, it’s Tup! He’s swaying a little bit, so I’m quick to intercept him before he falls on his face. "Thnnk you…your’re…the best…" Tup slurs a bit, and I frown. Where did he get himself so drunk? Must be the ARCs’ doing. I carefully lower Tup on his bunk, grateful for picking the top one for myself, and sit by his side.
"Dogma…it really was a fun night. I wish you wanted to come…" Tup mutters incoherently. I frown. I-I didn’t…no one told me…
"I wasn’t even told you were going out." I mumble quietly, but Tup’s already asleep.
*****
"Hey, Tup’ika! Wanna come for the holovids night in our barracks?" Fives yells across the room. Tup stiffens a little. "Dogma…?" He starts, and I scoff, but I don’t stop brushing his hair. "Tup, you don’t have to ask me for permission. Go, if you want. I might practise shooting or something." I say, knowing they likely won’t appreciate my company.
"Okay. I’ll come." Tup says, earning ARCs’ cheers. I see Jesse and Fives sharing a look with Hardcase. "That’s great, Tup’ika! Oh, and if Dogma has time, he can come too." Fives says after a while, though his smile faded a little. That’s something new. Maybe they want to show Tup how nice they are inviting me for the first time? I’ve lost count of how many times it happened, but it’s our second leave in this month, rare occurrence, and every time they planned something, I wasn’t included. This time, though, it’s more of a break from campaigns, we’re on board of Resolute and the Negotiator, 212th’s cruiser, is docked to it, so troopers from both battalions can spend it together. I’ve already seen couple of them wandering around.
"I…I can come?" I ask, widening my eyes a bit. I…I don’t believe it, it must be some kind of joke. "Yeah, Dogma. You deserve a…second chance." Hardcase confirms and I find myself nodding. "I…I’ll come then." I whisper, trying to not get my hopes up. I hope I’ll be able to at least pretend to be like them for the night and really have fun, something I wanted for a long time. I can’t help but wonder, maybe their intentions are true this time?
*****
I flinch, jumping a little when Hardcase laughs, loudly. I’m squished between him and the edge of the couch, separated from Tup by Hardcase and Jesse. I wish I could relax, but they are so loud, I can’t even focus on the holovid playing. I see Tup standing up, looking a bit sheepish. "Umm, Fives, can you please pause? Need to go to ‘fresher." He says. "Of course, vod’ika. We’ll wait." Fives says with a smile. They didn’t pause when I left, but probably didn’t even notice. Tup leaves, and I’m left alone with them, instinctively stiffening my body.
"Relax, Dogma. I know it’s not the reg-manual, but can you please relax just once?" Fives is the one to break the tension and I snap my head up. "I…I’m sorry, Sir." I whisper. Jesse laughs. "At 79s, or anywhere for that matter, he’d act the same, I think.
Tup’s our vod’ika, di’kut. You’re just a clone, playing brother. Just…Dogma." He says. Clone. Not even a vod. What was I thinking, coming here? I try to keep a calm face, but judging by others’ faces, I fail. "Dogma…they’re right. I’m sorry, but you…you can’t even relax…" Hardcase says, but I’m already storming out of the room, nearly colliding with Tup.
"Dogma! Where are you going?" Tup yelps, and I stop for a moment. "Medbay, think it’s because of the snacks." I reply, stiffly walking away, towards our barracks.
"But you ate nothing since we came here!" Tup hollers after me, but I don’t stop to answer this time, only looking back before turning on the intersection, Tup already gone back inside ARCs’ barracks.
I’m glad others from our barracks went elsewhere, at least they won’t see me. No one will, because no one cares. Even Tup, the ARCs just…pull him closer and closer, further away from me. The oath to stick together, broken, just like that.
I doubt anyone would care if I disappeared, if they noticed, that is. Tup may, he’ll have to find someone else to do his hair, but Fives will probably be glad to replace me. ARCs might notice too, because Tup’s shadow will finally be gone.
I know just the place, a small storage room, corridor away from barracks section. Hopefully, no one will disturb me there. Wearing just my lower armour, I strap a DC-17 pistol to my thigh, leaving the barracks. Against myself, I hope to see Tup outside, ready to leave the ARCs and return to me again. Of course, the corridor’s empty.
I’m walking fast, passing empty hallways. The storage room’s much closer than I remembered, it feels like I just left the barracks, but now I’m standing in front of it. I enter cautiously, but fortunately it’s empty. I leave the lights off, nearly closing the door. There’s just a tiny sliver of light seeping through the door.
I collapse on my knees, a dull thud audible when I hit the floor. I know I’m trembling, and I do all I can to calm my breathing. I raise the blaster, examining it closely, ensuring it’s set properly. Yeah, the shot will be loud, but…no one will hear it, the corridors are empty. They won’t notice until next morning, probably, or until a few days, when I’m not at the briefing. Small loss for them.
My hands shake when I raise the blaster, setting it against my chin, pressing tightly. The barrel’s cold. I close my eyes, finger curled on the trigger.
The door creaks open, and I flinch, nearly letting go of the blaster. Instead, I let my hand drop to my lap and force myself to stay very still. Maybe, whoever this is, will leave. But I hear hushed voices and footsteps approaching. I tense, and when someone sits on the floor by my side, gentle hand taking a blaster from my shaking hand, I go limp into their hold. "Kriff, Waxer! Come here, fast!" I hear a panicked voice from somewhere above me. It’s a clone, that much I know for sure. But his leg armour has gold paint, he must be 212th then.
I feel myself trembling in his hold, sobs escaping my throat. "Hey, udesii. Udesii. Ni olar, vod’ika." He soothes, and I choke on a next sob. Vod’ika. No one…no one has ever called me that.
"What’s wrong, Boil? Oh, kriff." Someone else mumbles, and another clone is at my side, gently wiping my tears away. My first instinct is to flinch away, but I feel myself leeching into their warmth, trying to hide in it. I whimper when a soft hand strokes my hair.
"I’m…not a vod’ika…don’t lie to me…" I choke out incoherently, I wouldn’t be surprised if they are unable to understand what I say. But one of the clones tightens his grip on me.
"Should we…I think he’s 501st. Should we take him to his vod’e?" I hear, and shake my head wildly. "No, no, no! Not 501st…please…" I whimper, pressing myself harder against the first clone’s chest.
"Shhh…you’re a vod’ika, little one. I gotcha, don’t cry. We’ll take you to our medbay, don’t worry. You’re safe." I hear before the exhaustion catches up with me and I succumb to darkness of unconsciousness.
*****
My eyes slowly open, and I find myself surrounded by dim, white light. I’m in the bed, undoubtedly medbay, because it’s soft and also because I smell bacta everywhere.
Then, I hear three voices arguing nearby.
"…I understand you feel a need to adopt every shiny, but, for Force’s sake, he’s Rex’s! You can’t just - steal any shiny you see into 212th!" I hear the hushed yells and stiffen when I realise they’re talking about me.
"With all due respect, Sir, but this vod’ika really needs us!" Another voice exclaims. This one I recognise, it’s the first clone that reached me. Boil, if I remember right.
"You say that about every single one!" The first speaker replies, and I realise it’s Marshal Commander Cody himself. How did I get his attention? It couldn’t be worse now…
"Ori’vod, normally, I’d agree, but this vod’ika…he tried to eat his blaster in a dark storage, alone! He fears 501st!" The other clone who hasn’t spoken before yells and I flinch. Yeah, it…it can be worse…
"WHAT?!" The Commander yells, and I whimper. Why can’t they argue somewhere else?
"We…we found him locked in a storage room, lights off. He was crying, his whole body trembled and…he was holding a blaster set to kriffing live rounds!" The first clone, Boil yells. "We had to intervene. I don’t want to think what would happen if we weren’t there." Second clone, Waxer, adds and I let out a sharp breath. I know. If they weren’t there, I’d shoot.
"Waxer, you know he’s awake, right?" Commander Cody asks. Oh kriff. I guess he is a CC for a reason.
I open my half-lidded eyes fully, blinking a couple times.
"Hey, vod’ika…how are you feeling?" The Commander asks in soft, concerned voice.
"I’m okay, Sir. Thank you, Sir." I reply stiffly, as I should to Marshal Commander. He sighs. "No, vod’ika, you’re not. Waxer and Boil…they told me how they found you…" He whispers, fixing my blanket when I flinch.
"Okay, vod’ika, can you tell us your name? Or…why you wanted to…?" Boil asks and I look away. "Umm…CT-6922…Dogma…" I mutter.
I turn back to them, expecting mocking smiles or laughter as it was with Jesse and Fives, but their faces are nothing but kind.
"Thank you for this, Dogm’ika." The affectionate term that Commander Cody added startles me a bit, no one has ever used it with my name.
"Dogma…I don’t pretend to understand your reasons, but I suspect something…happened with the 501st, right?" Commander asks and I nod in confirmation. "Yes, but it’s nothing serious, Sir. I…I know I’ll have to go back, so I should probably get going…" I mutter.
"No, Dogm’ika. It looks pretty serious to me, and I’m going to talk about it with Rex. And, drop the 'Sir' for now. 'Ori’vod' is fine with me." I flinch at the mention of the Captain, but maybe he doesn’t even know what’s happening.
"Please, Si…ori’vod, don’t. They’ll…it’ll only get worse." I plead and see their exchanged looks. "Dogma. You don’t have to go back to them if something is wrong. I don’t want to find out that you shot yourself once you’re back with them." Commander says, voice determined. I flinch, of course he wouldn’t leave this topic. Maybe I should have shot regardless of them coming…
"Hey, vod’ika. Don’t cry. You’re not returning to 501st. It’s a great battalion, but not for everyone. I’m transferring you to 212th, Ghost Company." Commander offers and I look up at him, eyes wide.
"But…why someone like me? You-you don’t know me, don’t know what a pathetic excuse for a brother I am." I mutter. "Hey, Dogm’ika. You’re not. We’ll be glad to get to know you." Boil says affectionately, though leaves one thing unsaid, something we all know. I’ll have to tell them 'why', eventually…