Chapter Text
"We are now approaching Seoul Station."
Joohyun is looking at her own reflection in the window and then the river appears behind her reflection and she loses her train of thought entirely.
The Han River looks exactly the same.
A somber expression forms on her face, the window begins to fog up due to an involuntary sigh escaping from her mouth. It's almost December so the tiniest bit of breath can fog up the entire glass. She adjusts her coat, folding her arms. Cold and her are not exactly friends, especially when she doesn't have that particular warmth beside her anymore.
She blinks and looks away before she can think about why she is looking at the river like it is some long lost lover when hers is sitting right beside her.
Junmyeon is beside her with his laptop open, the blue light of the screen catching the underside of his jaw, both of his earbuds in. She knows that nothing is playing but he wears them anyway because it helps him focus. Her fluency when it comes to him is scary, it is just like getting more fluent in your second language, and getting weaker in your mother tongue.
Just as she is thinking about him, he turns his neck and looks over. "Okay?"
"Yeah, just cold." Joohyun sits upright to not worry him, her hands folded in her lap. And there is nothing wrong with being okay because it is true in every measurable way.
Her eyes drift back to the window. The river is long gone, swallowed by the city. In its place are the apartment blocks, highways and a billboard of an idol promoting a skincare brand she feels like she saw in the Olive Young stores back when she was a high school student.
The memories of her high school days are a blur now so she doesn't remember the details of that time very well, it's been a decade so she is bound to forget.
Or maybe it's just Seoul being itself. It has a way of doing that, making your chest do the small clenching thing before your mind can catch up and correct it.
She hasn't been back here for a while. In the last eight years, she has been back here only a few times so that only fingers of one hand are enough to count. Just last year she had two visits, once when her father had a minor procedure and her mother was insistent about her coming to visit them. And the most recent being Sooyoung's wedding last summer where she finally introduced her parents to Junmyeon.
None of those visits feel like this one, because those were visits and visits aren't supposed to be permanent, this one isn't permanent either but for some reason it feels like one.
The train slows into the final approach and Joohyun watches the familiar platform materialise. Her jaw clenches watching the crowd gather on the platform, not giving space to anyone who is trying to approach the train. Where was this crowd when she had to see her run alongside her window until it was physically impossible to do so, begging her to stay.
Junmyeon closes his laptop. He pulls out both of his earbuds and puts them inside their case before he tucks them inside the pocket of his coat. He reaches up for her carry-on and his bag without even Joohyun having to ask for any sort of physical assistance, which she finds comforting.
"Ready, love?"
"Yeah."
They step onto the platform.
Joohyun is back in Seoul after abandoning it when she was seventeen.
(...)
Their apartment is on the fourteenth floor of a building in Mapo-gu, which Junmyeon chose because it was convenient for his office. And the well reputed society and good view that came with it were plus points.
Joohyun barely remembers saying yes, maybe she was in the middle of a meeting or too engrossed in her work to actually pay attention to watch what he was showing to her on his tablet. And it's not like the place is not good, in fact it is a great choice.
It's just that the building is a few blocks away from the Mangwon market, a place where she used to go after school with her. From the windows in their bedroom, they can see the upward climb of Seodaemun-gu hill, a place she used to go to stargaze with her.
"Isn't it great that all of our stuff is already here?" Junmyeon chuckles once they get into the living room to see all their stuff from the Busan apartment. "I have to give them five stars for this service."
"I was about to say why are you so shocked about these being here when you literally paid for their premium service," she quips.
"The same premium service you were telling me to not get."
"And I still stand by it…I mean even if the rest of our stuff arrived a couple of days late, it would be no big deal."
Junmyeon drops their bags in the middle of the living room and walks over to her, looping his arms around her neck, pulling her in for a back hug. "So should we start unpacking?"
Joohyun gets the message, the hidden innuendo and her reply comes in the form of a light slap on his arm. "I am going to shower and please order something to eat."
"Your wish is my command."
"That sounds threatening coming from you."
Junmyeon gasps dramatically before he starts to pepper her face with kisses and all she can do is lightly punch his chest to push him away, already making her way to the bedroom to grab fresh clothes for herself.
Joohyun stands beneath the shower longer than necessary. The hot water eases the ache in her shoulders from the journey, but it doesn't quiet her thoughts.
Maybe because every room in this apartment seems determined to remind her of things she had forgotten she remembered. Or maybe it's just the consequences of coming back to Seoul acting like she didn't run away from it in the first place.
She tells herself all of this is probably just nerves, maybe nostalgia that is making her feel like this and after a couple of weeks living here with Junmyeon everything will go back to normal like it was in Busan and these thoughts will leave her alone.
When she finally emerges, dressed in an oversized shirt and sweatpants, the smell of food greets her before she reaches the living room.
Junmyeon is sitting cross-legged on the floor among unopened boxes.
"Why are you sitting there?"
"Because we don't know where the chairs are."
She crosses her arms looking around to see the dining table right there with the chairs wrapped up in plastic. "There are literally chairs right there."
"Those are decorative until further notice." He follows her line of sight and shrugs upon seeing those chairs.
Joohyun rolls her eyes and sits beside him, grabbing a bowl and chopsticks for herself. There are takeout containers spread across the entire floor and with some of them having different labels it is not a longshot to say that he must have ordered them from three different places.
She raises her brows. "You bought all of this?"
Scratching the back of his neck, Junmyeon responds. "You told me to order food. You didn't tell me which one, so I just ordered all your favourites."
"You're impossible…"
"...Yet you are about to marry me."
Her eyes fall down to the engagement ring in her left hand, sometimes she can't believe that Junmyeon proposed to her just after three years of dating and she said yes to him.
Junmyeon starts opening containers with the excitement of a child opening presents. He slides one of the dishes toward her. It's her favourite tteokbokki, something he always remembers.
It is a very fascinating thing that he manages to remember this much about her despite his strenuous job. He knows everything. Her favourite foods. Her favourite flower. Her favourite color. From her coffee orders to her orders in a restaurant, he remembers it all. The fact that she hates fluorescent lighting. Which side of the bed she prefers. Things she doesn't have to think about because he already does — in her mother's words, the perfect man one could ask for.
"You okay?"
"Uh…Yeah! Just wondering about how are we going to set all of this stuff up."
He grins before returning to his food, assuring her that he'll help and he has already contacted some interior designers who will make their lives easier.
The conversation drifts easily after that.
(...)
The drive to her parents' house takes a little under twenty minutes. One of the reasons Junmyeon got the apartment was because of how close it was to her parents' place so if they need them, it'll be a quick drive.
Junmyeon spends most of it talking. Not because Joohyun is contributing much to the conversation, but because he has always possessed the peculiar ability to carry a discussion forward entirely on his own, effortlessly filling silences that would make most people uncomfortable. Maybe that's why she finds it comfortable to be near him because she doesn't need to put in any additional effort to fill those gaps.
"We should probably finalize the guest list this week," he says as he navigates through a yellow light. "My mother called me yesterday and apparently three relatives I have never met in my life are now deeply offended because they haven't received invitations yet."
Joohyun nods in acknowledgment, then turns looking a bit annoyed. "I still don't understand how your family keeps discovering new relatives." She isn't actually annoyed but being sarcastic with Junmyeon makes him happy so she sometimes does this to stay engaged.
"Watch out House Targaryen, here comes the Kim Clan."
Joohyun coughs out a chuckle, unable to hold back the smile that appears on her lips.
"There she is."
"What?"
"You smiled."
"Whatever."
Joohyun shakes her head and turns back toward the window before he can continue, though she can still hear his amused chuckle lingering in the space between them.
By the time they arrive at her parents' house, the sun has already disappeared.
Her mother opens the door before they can even ring the bell. "Ah! Finally you two are here." She opens her arms and immediately hugs Junmyeon while she stands behind him, waiting for them to separate so she can pass the fruit basket to him to take inside.
"It's been so long Joohyun ah." While he disappears inside with the fruit basket, her mother gives her a side hug.
"We saw each other two times this year," she mumbles dryly, urging her mother to not stand outside in the cold as they head inside.
Just as she walks inside, she sees her father who is standing alongside Junmyeon. He sees her but doesn't acknowledge the fact that his daughter is standing directly beside him.
She doesn't dwell over it and helps her mother in setting up the table. "This is too much food." The table is overflowing with food despite there being only four people present, a habit her mother has never managed to abandon no matter how many times people have told her she cooks enough to feed an entire neighborhood.
"My daughter and son-in-law were coming," she puts down the last dish on the table and then wipes sweat off her forehead, "of course I had to make everything."
As soon as everyone settles down, conversation begins flowing naturally. Mostly between Junmyeon and her parents. Even here the main topic is their wedding, even though they don't have a definite date in mind for it yet, but Junmyeon wants to get married before the next winter so it is given that it will eventually happen within next year.
Every topic seems to spark another discussion, and Junmyeon participates in all of them with genuine enthusiasm, leaning forward in his seat as he explains ideas he has been considering and asks for opinions on details most people would probably overlook.
Her mother is predictably delighted because it's the dream of every mother to see their daughter get married. Her father who is usually laid back is equally enthusiastic which is rare especially when the matter concerns her.
It seems like she is the only one quiet. She contributes when spoken to, offers opinions when directly asked, but the words never seem to come naturally today.
"Joohyun." She flinches hearing her name come out of her father's mouth. Three pairs of eyes are suddenly fixed on her.
"What?"
"You haven't said a word for the last ten minutes."
Joohyun exhales, scratching the back of her neck. "I'm just sleepy…moving and adjusting has messed up my sleeping schedule."
The table falls quiet for a brief moment. Then her father nods, like her answer meets the criteria he has created in his head. "That's understandable."
Her mother immediately joins in. "You've always been terrible with major changes."
The conversation shifts again after that, returning to wedding preparations and family gossip, but her father's gaze lingers on her a little longer than the others. As though he senses there is something more beneath her explanation but has chosen not to press. For now.
She is glad because right now she isn't entirely sure how to explain what she's feeling herself. How do you tell people that nothing is wrong and yet something feels wrong?
That your life is moving exactly as planned, that you are marrying a man who loves you with understanding most people spend their entire lives searching for, that your family adores him and your future looks so certain and secure that it should be enough to silence every lingering doubt.
And yet.
Somewhere between unpacked boxes and wedding invitations and conversations about the future, she keeps finding herself looking backward.
(...)
Although the idea comes from Junmyeon, the chain of thoughts starts with Joohyun.
She goes out on a coffee date with Seulgi to catch up. After being in Seoul for three weeks, she finally finds herself coming out of her shell and adjusting to the change.
That is when Junmyeon suggests that they should throw a dinner party. Both of them have a very sound circle of people who matter to them a lot and it makes sense to do something in hopes of mingling them together.
Joohyun agrees because it's been too long since she has met up with all of her friends and thinks that a gathering would only help ease her nerves.
So she calls Seulgi and tells her Junmyeon's plan. Seulgi handles the rest because she is the link that connects their friend groups. Within two days, the restaurant and the schedule are arranged with the help of Seulgi who coordinates all of their schedules to make this dinner party possible.
She does not ask who is on the guest list. A part of her already knows she cannot run away anymore, she has to face her eventually. With her life already sorted out, everything is going to be fine. She tells herself, several times in the days preceding the dinner, that it is not a deliberate avoidance. It is simply that she trusts Seulgi's judgment and Junmyeon's social ease and the general machinery of their combined friendships to produce an evening that will be fine.
Joohyun wears a burgundy dress, it's off-shoulder and Junmyeon loves it when she wears dresses that expose her skin. Probably because it leads to a very long night in bed. Knowing the weather outside she wears a beige overcoat on top of it, which makes her fiancé pout but he understands.
"Planning to have a long night are we?" Junmyeon wraps his arms around her waist while she puts on her earrings. "Beautiful aren't you…my future wife."
"It would be extremely embarrassing if the host of this dinner is late to his own event because he cannot keep his hands to himself." Joohyun turns her face to look at him, glaring at him. "Come on, we will be late."
"You're no fun."
"Maybe if you behave then who knows."
It is an outside setup, a private rooftop in Hongdae. A perfect venue to help twelve people mingle. When they arrive, two of Junmyeon's friends are already there as well as Sooyoung and Seulgi who are having a chat over some wine.
After greeting his friends she walks over to her girls and gives them a hug one by one. "You didn't bring your husband, Sooyoung ah?"
"He is on a business trip but he really wanted to come," Sooyoung replies with a pout, evident that she is missing her partner.
"Are all of his friends like this?" Seulgi asks, watching Junmyeon's friends arrive, one by one. Men in coats, who slap each other's shoulders like teenage boys.
"You know how these finance guys are," she shrugs and pours herself a glass of wine.
Junmyeon is in his element, one of the things about him is that he is good with people. It doesn't even come off as some sort of performance because he is very attentive so when he asks something it comes off as him being genuinely interested which makes people gravitate towards him — the same thing that made her gravitate towards him.
The rooftop begins to fill with people removing their coats and greetings being exchanged. She is talking with one of Junmyeon's friends when the door opens, but she doesn't look up immediately, she wraps up her conversation and only then she allows herself to turn to greet the guest.
It's her.
Seungwan is here.
She is wearing a white dress and a camel colored coat on top of it. Her hair is slightly longer than the last time she saw her, which was Sooyoung's wedding. Which was a torture to get through, it took three glasses of champagne and a whole night of sex with Junmyeon for her to be somewhat fine.
Besides her is a man, he was with her at Sooyoung's wedding too, but she didn't have it in her to actually look at him. He is tall, broad shouldered and objectively attractive, maybe even more than Junmyeon. He has one hand at the small of Seungwan's back, helping her balance herself while she hands him the coat she was wearing.
She stands there frozen, not knowing what to do. It is Seungwan who moves first when she sees her, her eyes gleam as she approaches her. "Joohyun unnie! Long time no see."
"Long time no see."
It tastes like the bitterest of alcohols. As if they were mere acquaintances. As if Joohyun hadn't once known the exact taste of her name on Seungwan's tongue.
Her entire body feels like it is on fire when Seungwan touches her arm and leans in for a side hug. A broken sigh leaves her mouth as her hand wraps around the curve of her waist. "It's been so long Seungwan ah."
When they pull back, the man who was with Seungwan is standing beside her. "This is Seokjin."
Seokjin smiles as he extends his hand, his grip is light and very respectful when he shakes her hand. "Nice to meet you, Joohyun ssi."
Joohyun flashes a smile at him. "I have heard a lot of things from girls about you, Seokjin ssi."
He chuckles. "Hopefully all nice."
She has heard almost nothing, actually. Or she has and she just ignored it all back then. It was actually Seulgi who told her that Seungwan has a boyfriend and they have been with each other just as long as her and Junmyeon have been together.
After they excuse themselves to find a place to sit, she looks at them from a distance. And then she looks away and goes to find Junmyeon.
The dinner is almost an hour long with everyone chatting in between and having a good time, needless to say the objective they had with this dinner definitely seems to be fulfilled.
Her eyes cannot help but gravitate towards Junmyeon when he is talking to Seokjin, she doesn't get to hear everything but from what she can gather they are mostly introducing themselves and talking about jobs. It is funny how Junmyeon who works in finance manages to find some sort of common ground with Seokjin who works in cybersecurity and it feels like they fall into this comfortable exchange just talking about anything and everything.
The seating arrangement is a pain in the ass because it is a round table. She sits next to Junmyeon and right beside her is Sooyoung which she is glad for. Right opposite to her is sitting Seulgi alongside Seungwan and her boyfriend, this is quite literally worse than sitting next to her because she can just not look to her side and would be able to ignore her but this way everytime she looks up she has to meet her eyes.
Sooyoung leans across the table. "Okay, can I just say — the story of how you two met has to come out tonight because I've been waiting three years to tell it in front of the groom."
Junmyeon is delighted, definitely having too much wine in his system. "Please."
"You two met through a joint project between your companies but she actually didn't know that he was actually the one leading that project until it got wrapped up," Sooyoung announces. "And this guy right here was convinced that she was just playing hard to get and in his mind they were already in a situationship."
"Hey! That's not true," Junmyeon objects, his face getting red. "I mean it is not my fault that she was socially awkward like with the way she was acting I was sure she was giving me signs."
The entire table laughs and it makes her giggle too because the beginning of their relationship does seem like a plot of a poorly written romcom.
Everyone chimes in with their own topics, just having a great time. Someone from Junmyeon's friend circle — his name is Jongdae, she thinks — chimes in and starts talking about Junmyeon's high school days. But then Seulgi picks it up, because Seulgi was there for Joohyun's high school, and if there is someone who knows everything about her school days it's her.
"You have to understand," Seulgi says to Junmyeon, who is listening very attentively because he is curious to know how his fiancée was in her school days. "Joohyun in high school was like — do you know those nature documentaries where there's one animal that all the other animals just instinctively know is in charge? That."
"Yah! You're making it sound like I was a bully," she objects.
"She was the most competent student council president our school had ever seen, till to this day they have her name on the school's honours board, that's how good she was." Sooyoung chimes in, "From field trips to carnival festivals and even the bullies were afraid of her."
"Was it second year? No. Ah…then our Seungwan transferred in the first year of high school. I mean it was our second year but her first." Joohyun blinks, widening her eyes. "And she just sort of adopted her."
"Immediately," Sooyoung agrees. "Like, within the first week. I don't blame her because Seungwan right here just looked like a kicked puppy in high school with her glasses and all."
"It's not like that, I guess unnie helped me out because I was new and soon became a part of the student council," Seungwan speaks up, sounding genuine like she wants to ease Joohyun out of this tough situation.
"Oh please." Sooyoung huffs, shaking her head in disagreement. "She was quite literally obsessed with you — Joohyun helped her with adjusting, she used to sit with her during lunch, they used to study together, she even defended her from bullies and you know in all her school years…she only participated in the sports day once and that was because Seungwan promised to bake her carrot cake if she won a medal and our competitive Joohyun here won the gold."
"Doesn't this show just how kind unnie was…" She looks at Seungwan, letting herself slip, and her gaze softens like she is back in high school, turning seventeen with a dumb crush.
Junmyeon beside her laughs and looks at her, his smile falters a little when he sees how her gaze has softened. "I didn't know all that."
Joohyun blinks, immediately catching herself. "It was a long time back."
He just smiles at her.
And she smiles back.
(...)
"I like your friend," Junmyeon says, taking off her coat. The car ride back to their apartment is quieter than usual and it makes her hope that Junmyeon would speak but he never does.
"Who? Seulgi and Sooyoung, you have met them before." She stretches her neck, walking to the kitchen to grab a glass of water for herself.
"No…Seungwan." He follows her. "I never knew you had another friend besides those two…It is just funny discovering new stuff about you, makes me feel there is still a lot more I need to know about you."
"I don't think my high school days are that relevant." She fakes a chuckle, pouring herself a glass of water.
"Sure." He pauses and she can just hear him in the silence trying to hide this unease. "But usually when your friends spend an entire dinner talking about one person, there's a reason."
"We were close during high school, me and Seungwan," she admits. "But then I moved to Busan and she moved to Canada…we grew apart."
It is a lie, she makes it seem like Seungwan abandoned her when it is far from the truth. She hears how unnatural it sounds but she hopes it sticks because she doesn't have it in her to deal with anything Seungwan related.
"What a bummer then," he sighs as he comes to hug her from behind, his lips already on her skin. "She and her boyfriend seem like nice people to be around."
"Yeah." The best person to be around.
She looks outside the window, letting him leave a trail of kisses down her neck. She needs this desperately so she can forget, she needs to forget.
(...)
After consulting her company regarding her remote schedule, she finally starts to go on morning runs again.
Gym class in school was a pain in the ass, but somehow she still can't believe she ended up such a fitness freak after moving to Busan. Running alongside the sea always gave her peace of mind, so it only makes sense to do it in Seoul too now that the Han River has a route specifically for runners.
She stops to refill her bottle and realises it is the overpass at Yanghwa and she sees, the very thing she has been avoiding during her runs, that bench.
For a moment it's like her entire body goes numb, the water bottle slips from her hand and falls on the ground. Her chest heaves up and down, breathless from the running and the fact that her heart is quite literally refusing to beat because of the numbness that has taken over her body.
The memory never comes back whole. It is like an old film—missing frames, blurred edges, voices arriving before faces.
She remembered it being the summer break, late June. The bench was beneath a willow tree that leaned over the water, making an arch over the bench.
"...which means if the universe keeps expanding at the current rate…"
Seungwan's voice was bright, always excited to tell all the new stuff she'd learned. She spoke with both hands, sketching invisible diagrams in the air while the breeze constantly pushed loose strands of hair across her face, only for her to impatiently tuck them behind her ear before launching into another explanation.
"...so technically the stars we're seeing aren't even where they appear to be because light takes time to travel—"
Joohyun never heard the rest. Most of the time, she got distracted mid-conversation. Distracted by the way Seungwan's eyes lit up whenever she talked about something she loved. Distracted by the tiny crease that appeared between her eyebrows whenever she was trying to explain something complicated. Distracted by the existence of the soul that created a being like Seungwan.
"...Joohyunnie are you even listening?"
Joohyun moved before she had time to think, before she had time to question why, before she had time to stop herself.
God's sake, she didn't even know how to kiss properly. It turned out just leaning wasn't enough, brushing noses was just part of the deed, not the whole deed, but it was way too late to back out now, so she went for the lips and left a peck on Seungwan's lips.
When she leaned back, she licked her lips and tasted the orange-flavoured lip balm Seungwan was always wearing. Her own heartbeat was so loud she wondered if there was something wrong with her physically.
Wide eyes met hers. Seungwan looked like a deer caught in headlights.
"I…I didn't mean to."
She looked away in embarrassment. Why had she done it? She didn't know. Or maybe she knew exactly why and simply hadn't found the courage to admit it until now.
"I'm sorry."
Silence was all that followed after that, human silence to be precise, because nature was pretty loud that evening with the rustling of leaves and the sound of the waves thrashing against one another.
A tiny laugh finally broke the prolonged period of silence.
"...Why are you apologizing?"
Joohyun looked up to see Seungwan shyly smiling at her, her cheeks tinted with warmth, even her ears were pink.
"So it wasn't just me."
"What?"
"I've wanted to know what that would feel like."
Neither of them spoke after that. They simply sat there, shoulder to shoulder, watching the evening settle over the Han River as though the city had quietly become something new around them.
Joohyun crouches and picks up her water bottle, filling it up again. She takes a few sips in succession and starts to run again, leaving behind the bench and the memories of it.
She runs until there is nothing in her chest except the burning, which is a clean pain, the pain she deserves.
(...)
With the festivities of Christmas starting a couple of weeks beforehand, her parents come to visit them a fortnight before Christmas.
Her mother brings persimmons and mandarins from the tree at the back of the garden, a whole box of fruits.
And her father, he just brings two boxes from her childhood bedroom, saying that since it's her stuff she should take responsibility for what to do with them.
It is her mother who manages to find a photo album in that box, it has photographs from when she was a toddler to her high school graduation. Seventeen years' worth of memories just tucked inside it.
So after dinner, they all sit down in the living room tucked around her mother, flipping pages of the album to relive those memories.
"Oh," her mother says, opening to a page. "Look at this."
Elementary school first. A small Joohyun in pigtails and a too-large school bag. A slightly larger Joohyun at a concert, mouth open in the way children sing, no self-consciousness yet. Family vacations — the one in Jeju where she burned her shoulders so badly she cried for two nights, the one in Gyeongju where her father carried her on his back for three hours because she was tired.
Her mother narrates the story behind each photograph with enthusiasm and Junmyeon indulges her as always. He always manages to ask relevant questions that also seem to have a hint of comic relief in them which puts everyone in a good mood.
"She looks exactly the same," he says, at some point, of a middle school photograph, and her mother is pleased by this, takes it as a compliment.
Joohyun drinks her tea. Eyes following the little tags at the side that have the photographs separated by sections. Her mother flips the last page that has photographs from her middle school graduation and then comes the thickest section of the entire album, high school.
The first twenty-five pages are just her, Seulgi and Sooyoung in their first year. In the next pages they get two new additions to their group, Seungwan and Yerim, both of them a year younger than the others.
Her first photograph with Seungwan is actually a solo shot, she remembers their homeroom teacher dividing them into a group of two to take photographs of them telling their future selves 'hwaiting'. So they are standing together with their arms linked, their outmost wrists clenched towards the camera with smiles on their faces like they are on the verge of laughing and are only holding it in for the sake of the camera.
Junmyeon laughs, surprised and pleased. "Who's this?"
Her mother leans in to watch properly before her smile drops. "Ah…that is Seungwan," her mother says as her head slightly tilts towards her father.
The pages turn faster, but flipping them faster won't change what's in the photographs.
Joohyun's eyes begin to twinkle again, a soft sigh escapes from her mouth before a barely noticeable grin rests on her lips.
Every page has more Seungwan. A group photograph of them with Joohyun and Seungwan standing in the middle with their heads touching. A candid photograph taken by Seulgi while Joohyun and Seungwan are decorating the gymnasium for the basketball game. A photograph of Seungwan holding Joohyun's birthday cake while Joohyun is blowing the candles. A photograph of Joohyun on Seungwan's back showing off her gold medal. A photograph of their entire group at the carnival. The last photograph in the album is a selfie Joohyun took before graduation, it has a sleeping Seungwan resting her head on her shoulder during their trip to Jeju. And the rest of the album is empty, not a single photograph from her graduation because she never got to attend it.
"You two were inseparable," Junmyeon says.
Joohyun smiles softly. "We were."
The room goes quiet all of a sudden with not even Junmyeon asking further questions. Her father gets up with a grunt and looks down at her mother.
"Should we eat the tiramisu now," her mother says, closing the album and getting up, leaving it in Joohyun's lap.
"Let me help." Her father walks with her to the kitchen, leaving both Joohyun and Junmyeon in the living room.
He asks about Seungwan, not immediately. When they are lying in bed, both of them have their laptops in their laps, planning their schedule for the upcoming week.
"Can I ask you something?" Junmyeon asks.
"Of course," Joohyun hums.
"Were you and Seungwan—" He pauses, trying to find the right words. "How close were you, really? Before."
A part of her already knows this question was coming sooner or later, especially after tonight's dinner with her parents.
"Irreplaceable."
"Then…Why did you lose touch?"
"Probably the distance."
"Usually when someone is connected to you in every story…and suddenly they are not—it's not usually because of small things." He carefully puts forth his thoughts, afraid he might overstep boundaries he is not allowed to cross.
"Life happens," she says and plugs in her earbuds which simply means she is not in the mood to continue this conversation.
Junmyeon gets the message and doesn't push further. He falls asleep before her knowing that she won't let herself sleep until he knocks himself out first.
She lies in the dark and looks at the ceiling and thinks. Small things. Maybe if that were the case…maybe.
(...)
Everyone around her used to say that Seoul is a big city and you rarely see the same faces again unless you actually want to.
Joohyun works in an architectural firm and while most of her work is on the designing side, she still considers herself to be somewhat good at maths. During the course of her degree, she was taught about probability, it is a concept used by architecture to remind the seller that the designs they make should not try to go against the laws of physics or else the probability of that structure collapsing is very likely.
The same phenomenon applies to bumping into the same person multiple times in the same city, probability says it's approximately impossible to happen.
So you think that mathematics would be in her favor.
It isn't.
Working from home gets a bit repetitive and boring so for a change in environment she heads to a nearby cafe. She orders a slice of strawberry tart cake and a caramel macchiato before taking a seat by the window to set up her laptop for the meeting she has with her client.
Her order arrives just as she settles in. A single bite is all it takes for her to feel like she has tasted it somewhere before but the memory is pretty vague so she cannot wrap her head around it.
The sweetness isn't overwhelming, probably because instead of using strawberry syrup, strawberry pulp is used in the filling and the acidity is balanced by the vanilla bean cream with the crust melting against her tongue.
She takes a sip of her beverage and is about to start working when someone approaches her.
"—Oh." She can recognise that voice anywhere. "Joohyun unnie?"
Yerim. She looks older, of course she does, she can't be eternally sixteen. Her hair is shorter than Joohyun remembers, her features sharper, the playful teenager she once knew replaced by a woman carrying herself with quiet confidence, but the disbelief on her face is exactly the same.
"Yerim ah?" Words barely leave her mouth as she stands up from her seat.
"Wow!" Yerim lets out a disbelieving laugh. "I didn't expect to see you."
Joohyun looks down, as if she is ashamed. "...Me neither."
"I heard you moved back to Seoul."
"You... knew?"
Yerim raises her brow. "I still talk to people from the neighborhood." There is a beat before she adds, with sarcasm, "unlike some people."
Right, just because Seulgi and Sooyoung forgave her, and Seungwan was graceful enough to put the past behind doesn't mean everyone will be the same. "Still taking jabs I see…I deserve that though."
For a fleeting moment, Joohyun catches a glimpse of the teenager who had once stood between her and Seungwan after everything fell apart, furious beyond words, convinced Joohyun had abandoned the one person who had needed her most.
There had been a time when Yerim had refused to answer her messages altogether. A time when Joohyun had genuinely believed their friendship had ended alongside everything else.
But they say time heals and it truly does, what it doesn't do is grant forgiveness.
"So…" Joohyun says awkwardly. "What are you doing here?"
Yerim shrugs. "Nothing much, just monthly checks and stuff."
"You work here?"
"Not exactly? I am the Chief Operating Officer of this place."
She looks behind Yerim, squinting to look at the name of the cafe. MziiLabs. That doesn't ring a bell in the slightest.
"I've never heard of this place," she says, in a respectful way of course to not offend Yerim.
"Yeah, we don't have any outlets in Busan." Yerim's reply doesn't sound like she takes any offense to her comments. "But we already have four branches around Seoul with the demand of a fifth one."
"Really?"
"The company has grown a lot. Five branches within three years is truly remarkable work from Seungwan."
Before Joohyun can even find the time to process the shock, another familiar voice drifts from somewhere behind her.
"There you are, Yerim ah…Joohyun unnie?" Seungwan walks over to them, looking somewhat shocked but not as shocked as Joohyun herself. "Didn't expect unnie to enjoy sweets at my place," she chuckles.
A bakery. It makes sense. I will bake anything unnie likes.
"Small city huh," she chuckles to hide her shock. "These are really good by the way." She points at her table towards the sweets.
"I am glad unnie likes it." Seungwan replies with a smile. She then looks at the time and then back at Yerim. "Yah! We are running late."
"I should stop hogging your guys' time and let you work then."
"I am sorry we have to leave but you should try our traditional dessert, they are on the house."
"Ah…no need—" Before she can refuse, Yerim lightly slaps her arm.
"—Take them, the traditional specials here cost an arm and leg." She shoves her down on her seat while Seungwan is talking to one of her employees, probably instructing them to pack some desserts for Joohyun.
They bid her goodbye and walk out of the door in a hurry. By the time the cafe door closes behind them, the conversations around her have already resumed, the world carrying on as though nothing unusual has happened.
Joohyun leans back on her seat, she's drifting towards her half-finished slice of strawberry tart cake.
And suddenly the vague taste that came in broken flashbacks is no longer a forgotten memory.
It happens once and you know what they say, 'once is a mistake.'
Seulgi's birthday is up first and for the first time in their lives they are old enough and finally together to go out clubbing, so they do that.
Is this their first time clubbing together? Yes. Officially? No.
She still remembers the house parties in year three of high school, sneaking beer and soju, drinking alcohol when it was illegal for them to do so.
Now they are finally old enough to belong there.
Somehow, it feels less exciting than it used to.
Joohyun sits next to Seulgi, opposite to Seungwan. All of them three bottles in and visibly tipsy while Sooyoung and Yerim are already on the dance floor. Seungwan still laughs at her jokes. Specifically her jokes, the dad jokes which never seem to stick with others but always make her laugh.
For a little while, everything feels normal. Just normal enough that she doesn't get flashbacks of the past and doesn't feel any pain when she looks at Seungwan. She looks so beautiful like this, her face flushed with droopy eyes, laughing at her jokes, wearing this black cocktail dress with slits down her waist.
She shouldn't be thinking about this stuff, she definitely shouldn't be thinking in a club. So she grabs another can of beer and starts drinking it. After that everything is a blur, they are talking, they are laughing at Sooyoung spilling champagne over herself, they are barely existing.
Joohyun likes that. Barely existing. "—Joohyun?"
She blinks and sees Seulgi. "Huh?"
"I think your phone is ringing," Seulgi says, pointing towards her phone on the table, clearly ringing.
"...Yeah." She lazily reaches for it, and there are a couple of missed calls from Junmyeon.
Instead of calling him, she texts him and his replies come in quick succession telling her that he is around the block and if she wants he can pick her up. Joohyun looks around seeing the wasted state of her friends and decides that it is time to call it a night and asks him to pick her up.
She slips her phone back into her bag. "I am going to call it a night…you better start working on getting those two home." She tells Seulgi who sighs and shows her the car keys which means she is their designated driver.
Joohyun begins weaving through the crowd toward the exit. Halfway there, someone brushes against her shoulder. She turns instinctively to balance herself when her eyes drift to the exit of the club where Seungwan is standing and beside her is her boyfriend.
Seokjin's hands rest comfortably around Seungwan's waist as she tilts her head upward, saying something Joohyun cannot hear over the music.
He throws his head back and chuckles. Then he tips her chin over and leans down to press a kiss on her lips. Seungwan just loops her arms around his neck, pressing herself onto him and—
Joohyun looks away. She decides she doesn't want to watch. She can't watch because it still affects her. A part of her had convinced herself that she was doing well. That enough years had passed for them to become strangers who happened to share memories. She had mistaken years of distance as some sort of healing.
"Joohyun." Junmyeon's voice comes gently from the entrance. He makes his way towards her and immediately takes her bag from her hands. "Ready to go? You know if we leave now we can get your hangover tteokbokki for the morning too from the market."
She makes the mistake of looking back to see Seokjin lifting a passed-out Seungwan in his arms while also carrying her bag and heels. Her gaze turns somber and her fists clench. When the realisation that she isn't alone anymore strikes it is a little too late because Junmyeon is looking at the scene too, but he's looking at her, confused.
"Let's go." Joohyun grabs him by his arm and begins to walk out of the entrance.
Twice is no longer a mistake. A coincidence? Maybe.
On a fine Sunday afternoon she finds herself coming out of a pharmacy near their apartment to get some pills for her migraine and that is when she bumps into Seungwan who is on the sidewalk loading canvas bags into her car.
"Hi." This time she gathers the courage to strike a conversation, maybe an attempt to convince herself that it's fine.
Seungwan breaks into a smile, immediately turning her attention to her. "Oh! I didn't expect to bump into you here."
"Do you live around here?"
"Yeah. I'm two stops over on the Seongsan side. Makes it easier for me to watch over the cafe."
"That's close," Joohyun says, nodding to herself. "I live here too, that big building in Yanghwa-ro."
They stand on the sidewalk with the city moving around like it usually does on a nice Sunday afternoon. She still finds it unbelievable that they have bumped into each other three times within three weeks.
The canvas bag shifts a little in Seungwan's hand. Joohyun can see the groceries inside it. Nothing special, just ordinary Sunday market stuff.
"Do you cook?" Joohyun asks, and immediately does not know why she has asked this.
Seungwan looks at the bag. An amused smile makes its way to her lips. "Do you think I am only good at baking?" Joohyun opens her mouth to defend herself just in case she got the wrong meaning but Seungwan breaks into a chuckle, it is like she is assuring her that she understands. "I try…Seokjin is much better but he works the entire week so I want to make weekends more memorable for him."
Joohyun bites her lip, that bitter feeling settles into her chest yet again. "That's…good."
Then a gust of wind takes Seungwan's hair across her face and the moment is over. "I should get this back before the fish defrosts," Seungwan says.
"Yeah, I should probably let you go." Emotions are just not her cup of tea, they never have been but at this moment right now with so many of them bombarding her at once, she isn't sure about anything anymore.
"It was nice to bump into you unnie." There is that eye smile as Seungwan slowly brushes her hand against her shoulder. "We should bump into each other more often."
We really shouldn't. "Of course."
Seungwan turns and walks towards the car as Joohyun stands on the sidewalk, watching her go.
Three times is just a pattern of the universe punishing her for her sins.
(...)
In the fourth week of February, just seven days before the month ends, she goes to run by the Han River again and spends quite some time there.
Junmyeon is splayed on the sofa with a book in his lap when she comes back after freshening up. "I don't think your morning runs are working anymore."
"Why do you think that?" A sigh escapes her mouth as she sits on the loveseat opposite to where he is sitting.
"Back in Busan after your runs you seemed very energised but now in Seoul every time you come back after your runs you seem very somber."
"I didn't know you noticed that."
"I love you…of course I am going to notice everything that affects you," he says, simply.
Joohyun tries to mute the voice in her head, the ones that are distant echoes of her singing happy birthday to her. There are overlapping voices, cries of begging her to not go, to not leave her alone.
The platform at Seoul Station on a Wednesday morning in August was not a quiet place.
She had not expected it to be quiet. She had not expected anything from the platform. She had not expected anything from Busan itself.
Putting her duffle bag in the overhead, she had sat down on her seat, looking down at her hands on her lap.
This was not how Joohyun wanted her graduation week to go. Instead of being on the stage to receive her high school diploma and celebrating with her friends afterwards, here she was fleeing from the city to atone for her sins.
"...Departing for Busan in two minutes."
She didn't remember exactly what had been going on in her mind at that time. Probably thinking only if she didn't go to that party, only if she didn't drink too many beers, only if she didn't find the desire to sin too tempting.
Just as the train began to show signs of movement, she heard something.
"Joohyun unnie!"
She heard her name, muffled through the glass. How badly did she want to pretend that it was just her imagination, that she was hearing things. But she knew it. She knew the taste of her own name on Seungwan's tongue by now.
Seungwan.
Someone had told her. Or she found out.
"Unnie…please!"
Her gaze remained on her hands in her lap trying to ignore the shouts of her name, the knocks on her window and the judging gazes of passengers beside her.
The train had started to move now but the knocks didn't stop nor did the muffled voice, if anything they grew louder. And it was getting harder to pretend that she wasn't hurting.
"...What did I do? Joohyun unnie! Please!"
One word.
The word was not: don't go. It was not: I love you. It wasn't any of the words she expected. If they were, maybe she would've found the courage to look at her.
Instead it was a 'please'.
The please of someone who did not know what they were asking for. Who did not know what went wrong. Who only knew that something went wrong and wanted to understand it and was asking, not asking but begging.
The platform at Seoul Station is a specific length. She knows this now. She did not know it then. She measured it up in seconds instead of meters. The amount of seconds she heard her name muffled through the window begging her for something is the length of that particular platform in her mind.
"Joohyun! Look at me!"
She looked at her hands while the train moved. Ignoring the pleas of her name, the knocks on the window, the tears in the reflection.
Hands of a girl who had been told she was a sin and had believed it and was sitting on a train to Busan to begin the process of atoning for her sins in order to be acceptable by god again and more importantly her father.
The voices stopped. And her heart dropped.
She looked up. The platform was gone.
Seungwan ran alongside her window until it was physically impossible to do so and asked for nothing except to be seen — not kept, not chosen, not answered, just seen, just the acknowledgement that she existed and was there and had done nothing wrong — and Joohyun had not looked at her even once.
"Junmyeon," she says in an attempt to make the voices stop.
"Yeah." He looks up at her.
"Seoul is complicated. For me. That's all."