Work Text:
I wrestled myself out of the xenonite suit, throwing it in the general direction of the cubby it normally sat in.
“Savior Rocky-” someone called.
“Fuck off.” I snarled in reply.
I wasn't in the fucking mood. It was always “Savior Rocky tell us about space” “Savior Rocky inspect our ships” “Savior Rocky come talk to the families of your dead crewmates”.
I was sick of it. All of it.
Many musical voices spoke all at once behind me and I found myself running from them. Bursting through the research center doors and running as fast as my legs would allow. I wasn't thinking about where to go, just away.
Why couldn't I answer him?
Of course I thought of Grace as a person! Never never never a pet. Pets were not a concept that needed much explaining, domestic pets didn't exist on erid the way Grace described on earth but working animals did, those who kept meat animals often had one of a few species that helped manage the animals or repelled predators. More of a tool than a friend, but similar.
I would never think about Grace like that. Grace who saved me from the silence. Grace who found the savior of the stars. Grace who chose me over everything.
Why couldn't I answer him?!
A few voices called out for me as I ran but I couldn't hear them over the huffing of my vents, the rushing of my blood, the beating of my feet against the ground.
Why couldn't I answer him?!?!
Everything would be fine if I had just said yes! Or sorry! Anything other than what I said! Why was I so happy to push that under the earth rug?! Why couldn't I just say “yes Grace you are very important to me”?! What in that could I not agree with?!
And how could I have not noticed that fear?? I’d only ever seen that body language once before. When he woke up screaming. When he told me, sobbing, how he ended up on this ship.
And I did that to him.
I released a pained scream, seeing people walking by skitter to give me space.
Good. Leave me the hell alone. I wanted to wallow in my misery, not be surrounded by well meaning idiots.
My legs burned with exertion, I slowed to a walk. Unlike Grace I couldn't run forever. My kind were ambush predators as opposed to his persistence predators.
Why couldn't I stop thinking about him?!
I made a smaller wail and continued marching on.
It took me a while to realize that I was not going back to the temporary residence by the research center set up for Adrian and I, I was going home. To the house I hadn't seen for 50 years. Earth years. At this point I couldn't even do the conversion to normal units.
Is Grace all I can fucking think about??
I dragged myself the last few meters to the front door, letting myself in and dropping to the floor in the entryway.
I hadn't seen this place in so long but it hadn't changed a bit. Adrian’s art was in every corner, totally unchanged since I left. Unlike them. They loved changing things up, reusing old art into the new.
I crawled forward, shutting the door behind me. I mindlessly shuffled not to our sleeping room but my workshop. Something safe. Something mine.
It, as well, was unchanged. Unlike the rest of the house a layer of dust sat on every surface, but my tools were exactly where I left them down to the wrench I grabbed in mistake while packing, left leaning against the tool wall. I gently set it on its hook.
Why was I like this? What happened to me? Why couldn't I just… I don't know, be normal?!
I let my carapace clunk against one of the workbenches. The vibrations gave me a clear view of the entire workshop, familiar but… dead.
There was no one on the special seat I made to fit Adrian perfectly.
There was no xenonite wall to keep Grace alive nearby.
I curled up on the floor, squeaking like a hatchling.
I didn't even realize I'd fallen asleep until I heard Adrian singing.
One note for you, love of mine,
One note for me,
Lifting myself slightly I could hear them across the workshop.
Should we go west, love of mine,
Or north to the sea?
They were perched perfectly in their chair, looking at bits of fabric through a color analyzer and separating them into piles.
One egg for you, love of mine,
One egg for me,
“A…Adrian?” I croaked.
Their song trailed off. “Love? Are you awake?”
“Yes.” I slowly got to my feet.
I heard many songs in the silence of the ship. It was common to wake up to a beautiful voice that belonged to noone.
“Are… are you real?” I asked softly.
“...Real??” Adrian trilled, concerned. “Yes, I am real, love. What’s going on??”
“I… I don't know.” I admitted. “I heard lots of things that weren't real on the ship… sometimes you.”
Adrian gestured me over. When I was close enough they pulled me in tightly, bundling me up under them like a hatchling.
“I am here. You are safe. You are not alone.”
I could only absorb their warmth, their touch, the wondrously safe pressure surrounding me.
“Oh love, I’m so sorry.”
“No need, I am not upset with you in the slightest.”
I winced at their wording.
“Then… Grace is not okay?”
“Grace is doing better.”
I let out a relieved whistle.
“I… I don't know what came over me. I don't know why I couldn't answer them.”
Adrian hummed. “Do you remember, before we were mated, when you carried all my sculptures for me?”
“Yes.” I remembered it well. “I couldn't let it damage you any further.”
“And you remember when you would mash my food for me, as if I was a hatchling?”
I cringed. “Yes. It was… overbearing of me.”
“And you remember when you insisted on going to the architectural thrum for me?”
“Yes! Am I supposed to apologize for these fuckups over again?!” I snapped.
Adrian was silent.
“... Sorry.”
“It was not my intent to make you feel bad over it. I just wish to ask you if there are any other situations that are similar to when you were courting me.” Adrian said calmly.
I considered it.
I honestly didn't know I was trying to court Adrian for most of that. I just… liked them and wanted things to be easy for them. Beautiful Adrian shouldn’t chip their carapace for their art, they shouldn’t have to break down their own food, they shouldn’t have to deal with assholes that disagree with them!!
The only other time I’d done something like that was for Grace. He didn't need to deal with eridian bullshit while he recovered from years in space. It was hard enough on him to be eating such improper food, he shouldn't have to worry about setting up his habitat or managing his care teams while he was already under so much stress-
Wait.
…
“Oh, fuck.”
“Mh-hm” Adrian hummed, setting a fabric scrap on one of the piles.