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‘’Get out of your room and get some fresh air,’’ Blade keeps telling her. Silver Wolf doesn’t listen.
‘’He doesn’t understand,’’ she tells herself. ‘’Has he ever even had a crush on anyone before?’’
Her room feels suffocating. She plays video games for hours until she doesn’t want to anymore. It comes to a point until they can no longer distract her. Any mentions of romance reminds her of who she is trying to forget. So, she leaves her room.
She goes to the kitchen to get a glass of water. She doesn’t like the bitter taste of vodka, not understanding why Kafka keeps drinking it for pleasure. There is only one person in this big world that could show her what true pleasure feels like. But she won’t, therefore Sİlver Wolf will just allow herself a moment of vulnerability until she falls asleep.
A shadow, shadow of his former self, appears behind her while she stares at the counter. He knows, she thinks, and he feels bad for me.
‘’I’m just drinking water, don’t worry.’’
He doesn’t say anything, though the hand on her shoulder pulling her into a hug speaks louder than his words ever could. Silver Wolf hugs him back while he strokes her hair. For once, instead of wishing it was her showing her such gentleness, she allows him to do so and hugs him a little tighter.
When he lets go, he tells her to stop thinking and go to bed. Even if the bond is chosen, she can’t listen even if she wants to. Her mind won’t allow her to. Her feet take her to her life support even when Silver Wolf just wants to play another round.
Firefly doesn’t know that she adds color to Silver Wolf’s life. Her eyes are closed even when all Silver Wolf can see is her. She doesn’t even know
‘’Love is mean and love hurts,’’ Silver Wolf had heard before. She doesn’t even want to contemplate whether she has a crush or she is in love. All she knows is that it hurts and that she wants more. No matter how many times they laugh together, it will not be enough as long as they remain just friends.
The initial feelings of warmth and softness had started to quickly fade into her heart aching instead when she noticed the way Firefly looked at Stelle. In a way that, no matter how special Silver Wolf was to Firefly, was different. Full of love, she guesses what Blade sees in her own eyes.
She doesn’t want to see her own reflection when she looks at her beloved.
Can she even call her beloved when it's unreciprocated?
It doesn’t matter.
Silver Wolf touches the glass of the pond, as if stroking Firefly’s cheek. She knows it won’t reach her, even if it wasn’t from beyond a pond. All she can wish is to fall out of love, for her own sanity. You always gotta think of yourself first, after all.
At first, she had thought the warmth would have lasted her for all of eternity.
‘’Dreams are not reality,’’ she remembers Kafka telling her. Even if Firefly were to remember before Penacony, Silver Wolf knows her feelings will remain grounded in real life and the actual past.
She wonders what is lacking about her that Firefly prefers Stelle. Then again, you simply can’t control who you love, just like she herself can’t. She supposes Blade would also tell her not to be hard on herself.
She can’t help it, though. Her heart overpowers her mind. Even though she knows her heart is just a reflection of her deepest desires in her mind. Every time she sees or thinks of Firefly, her chest feels like it will burst out of her ripcage. Love is not enough.
Jealousy bypasses love like how her hacks bypass video game codes, she had learned. It makes her think that it’s not even about her whenever she catches herself compared to Stelle. Before she knows it, ‘’ROUND FAILED’’ already reads on her screen.
She wishes she could replace Stelle and be much more. All she wishes is not only the smile on Firefly’s face but also for it to be directed at her. Greed consumes her no matter how much she tries to hold back.
It’s only mentally, that is. She won’t reflect on it. Even if a part of her wants Firefly to embrace her and tell her Silver Wolf is the one she loves, she won’t burden the sick girl with it. Even Elation has its limits.
When Finality is reversed; when the final is the beginning, does it mean she will get to relive their first shared laugh without any burdens? Or will the future numb her affection into something duller before it can dull Silver Wolf?
Regardless, she doesn’t want to think about it anymore. Love must not take one’s own self. Silver Wolf checks Firefly’s vitals one last time before walking towards her room.
One last match before she sleeps, one last time she lets herself feel again before duty starts.
Love is eternal, or so she thinks.