Chapter Text
The disappearance of Eric Cartman was never explained. The empty desk where Cartman should’ve been wasn’t an unusual occurrence. The bastard faked sick often enough, and his mom was gullible enough to take the bait blindly and dote on him the entire day. But then one day turned into two, then three. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny went to knock on his door on the third day, wondering where the hell he’d been. Nobody answered the door. The blinds in the house were all closed. Every door was locked. It was certainly strange, but it wasn’t exactly cause for too much concern. They were probably at the doctor. Maybe Cartman was actually sick this time.
When the two-week mark of Cartman’s absence came along, the boys took it upon themselves to ask Mr. Garrison if he knew where Cartman had been. Oddly, their question was simply met with, “I am not allowed to disclose private student information to you boys.”
Garrison never cared about the rules before. Certainly not enough to follow child privacy protection policies. They asked principal Victoria next, only to be met with the same reply. Every time they tried to ask where Cartman had gone, or even bring him up in any capacity around any adults, the topic was quickly changed. It was weird, definitely. But when Cartman didn’t come back…when months went by without any word from him…it was sort of just…accepted. Eric Cartman didn’t live here anymore. Eric Cartman’s empty desk would remain empty.
Or so they thought.
Cartman had up and left without a trace in the middle of fourth grade. The entire school year came to a close, the summer passed, and the beginning of fifth grade came and went with no sign of him. Until one day, the day started and there he was. The one and only Eric Cartman. Just…back. Kyle had literally done a double take when he’d seen him walk through the door. He felt the same shock radiating from the rest of his friends and classmates. It wasn’t loud. Everyone was dead silent. Cartman looked…different. He looked more well put together. Cleaner than he used to. He was also notably thinner, not skinny by any means, but notably thinner than he had been the last time they’d seen him.
It was weird how Mr. Garrison didn’t even acknowledge anything being different. All he said was, “Eric, you can take your seat next to Kyle.”
Like it was any other day.
Like Cartman hadn’t just been gone for over a year.
It was like he’d never left.
Kyle stared at him as he made his way to his desk and sat next to him. He realised he must be in some sort of weird fucked up dream when Cartman smiled sheepishly at Kenny, Stan, and him and offered an uncharacteristically meek, “Hey, you guys.”
Kyle couldn’t believe what was happening right now. He actually pinched his arm to test if he was in a dream. He wasn’t. Kyle couldn’t focus at all during class. Cartman was participating. He was raising his hand, answering the questions seriously, speaking politely, sitting up straight and tall.
It was eerie. It was just…so inherently wrong. It was like he had been switched out with that weird evil version of Cartman they’d met a couple years ago. Just more…shakey.
It didn’t take a rocket scientist to realise that Cartman was up to something. As soon as it was lunch time, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny caught up to Cartman in the hallway. Kyle, of course, was the first to speak.
“Dude, Cartman?! Where the hell have you been?!”
“Yeah, dude, what the hell?!” Stan echoed.
“I thought you were dead!” Kenny added, muffled.
Cartman seemed oddly…skittish. He seemed to shrink away from the three boys that were unintentionally (yet understandably) crowding his space.
“U-uh, nowhere, you guys.”
“‘Nowhere’ my fucking ass, Cartman! What the fuck is wrong with you?! Where the fuck were you?! You just disappeared without even so much as a fucking phone call!” Kyle snapped.
“I’m sorry to have worried you guys,” Cartman said.
Kyle felt like he was hallucinating. He got the feeling he wasn’t the only one when he heard Kenny’s muffled, “What the fuck?”
“Cartman, what the fuck are you plotting?! This is all some sort of weird scheme isn’t it?! What did–?! Cartman, what the fuck?! Tell us where you were, fatass, you don’t get to just disappear for a fucking year and then show up like nothing happened without even giving the closest fucking people you have to friends ANY kind of explanation!”
Kyle felt a jolt of irritation and confusion as he saw Cartman flinch.
“Kyle, I just– I–I can’t, okay? I’m sorry, please just…”
This was weird. This wasn’t right. Everything was wrong with what was happening right now. This wasn’t how this went. Cartman was still walking, seeming like he was speedwalking.
“Hey! Fatass, slow the fuck down! You can’t just– you–” Cartman didn’t stop or slow down. Kyle snapped.
“CARTMAN! FUCKING STOP! WE’RE TRYING TO TALK TO YOU!” he shouted, grabbing Cartman’s arm and yanking him back to get him to just stop walking so damn fast.
The atmosphere immediately shifted. Cartman completely froze up, trembling slightly. Kyle shot the guys a look and they looked just as confused as he felt.
“Uh…Cartman…?” Stan muttered.
“I–I’m sorry, I’m so sorry please don’t tell on me,” Cartman whimpered frantically. He whimpered. Kyle was completely thrown off guard. What the hell was this?
“Cut the shit, Cartman,” Kyle said, noticeably more uncomfortable than before. “Quit…quit crying, we’re not your mom we won’t take the bait,” he muttered.
“Dude, tell who? What would we even tell on you for?” Stan added.
“Just please don’t be mad at me, I promise you I’m not tricking you, I’m just trying to be nice, just please, please don’t be mad at me,” he sniffled.
“I–...yeah, whatever dude,” Kyle said, way too uncomfortable to think of anything else to say. “Just– just quit crying, dude, it’s weird,” he mumbled.
Cartman sniffled again and nodded shakily, wiping his face on his sleeve. Kyle just stared in absolute disbelief.
What the fuck happened to Eric Cartman?