Archive of Our Own

The summer breeze blew through Riku’s windows like it always had in the morning that summer—it was the summer that Riku turned 18.

Riku's parents owned a decently sized restaurant. They were able to live well within their means whilst also providing a wonderful life for their kids. When Riku was 14, his parents decided to expand the family business, so Riku and his family moved to Korea.

​Riku didn’t know the language, of course, but every day was fun because of his friend Sion. Riku remembered everything about the first time he met him. It was a breezy spring afternoon, and the dandelion seeds were whisking through the air. The smell of fresh-cut grass made Riku sneeze. He went down to the park near his house, and that's where he met Sion.

​A wide-eyed boy whose giggles and laughter filled every room that he entered, his eyes sparkled like the stars. Riku swears Sion's eyes contained the entire galaxy whenever he looked into them. A never-ending space that he would get lost in over and over again. Riku never could look him in the eyes properly; he could feel blood rush to his cheeks every time they accidentally made eye contact. It made every hair on his body stand up.

​When Riku first laid eyes on Sion, it was while he was playing baseball with some other kids their age. Once Riku got a glimpse of him, all he could do was stare. How could someone be so pretty? Even watching Sion from afar, Riku was simply enamored by his presence. The way his smile reached his eyes, and his eyelashes fluttered against his skin. One second, he was looking at Sion, and the next second, he was face-first in the dirt. He was too busy staring and missed the soccer ball coming right at his face.

The world's most embarrassing first impression ever, but it ended up working out for him, because Sion helped him up and took him back to his house nearby to get some ice for his face. Despite the language barrier, they were both able to communicate pretty well through gestures and phrases. They discovered they had a lot in common, and it was safe to say that they became fast friends.

​Ever since that fateful day, they would do everything together. They lived in the same neighborhood, so they went to the same school. They always went to Riku’s parents' restaurant to do schoolwork, which somehow always ended up with Riku helping Sion practice his baseball pitches in the nearby park. Riku didn't mind; he was just happy to be spending time with Sion.

Sion was slowly teaching Riku Korean. He even said that Riku was really starting to sound like a native after a few months. Let's just say it definitely helps when you're attracted to the teacher. It gave Riku more than enough reason to pay attention to whatever Sion was saying.

Every passing second, they became closer than ever, even as they were nearing the end of high school. Even just being near Sion sometimes made Riku’s palms sweaty. Calling Riku from down the hall loudly, with not a care in the world for who was listening. Always wrapping his arm around Riku's shoulder or, god forbid, his waist when they stood next to each other.

Riku still got nervous around Sion when he got close—too close. Sion was a lovebug; it was in his nature to be annoyingly loving to anyone he was close to, much to Riku’s dismay. The warmth of Sion's fingers on him always made Riku feel fuzzy in ways that he couldn't explain. He always turned away so Sion couldn't see the way his face was burning crimson. The way the butterflies seemed to flutter around in his stomach every time Sion would jokingly call Riku princess.

Everything about Sion felt like too much but also not enough at the same time. It was all-consuming, wanting Sion, wanting to tell him that he liked him—no—loved him, but the fear of rejection always crept down Riku's back anytime he thought he had finally built up enough courage. He would instead retreat to the role of the best friend, relishing the closeness that came from that and pretending that he didn't want more.

Pretending that when Sion got his first boyfriend, those weren't some of the most depressing times of his life, watching the person he loved be with someone else. Pretending that he didn't wish it was him in his arms, feeling his touch, kissing his lips. Riku cried himself to sleep most of those nights before he finally learned how to deal with his emotions. Even then, he often had to make up an excuse to leave whenever Sion asked about hanging out with his boyfriend. Everything they did now included someone else. Every time Riku would think he could finally hang out with Sion alone, he always ended up being the third wheel. Riku really tried to be a good friend, a part of his heart cried out every time he had to entertain it.

It was around this point that two new additions joined their little friend group. Yushi and Jaehee, Yushi was an idol trainee who had moved here at a young age. They clicked instantly and were a big reason that Riku was able to power through those months of Sion gushing about some boy that Riku couldn’t care less about.

Jaehee was someone from Sion's baseball team who had just moved nearby after winter break. He made Riku laugh and smile on the days when he really needed it. Jaehee gave Riku everything he wanted from Sion; Riku had even deluded himself into believing that he actually could get over Sion and date Jaehee. Every time they were together, Riku tried to make himself fall in love with Jaehee, but he didn't deserve that. Jaehee deserved someone who would care and love him just as much as he cared and loved Riku. It made Riku feel awful, every kiss and every hug.

Much to Riku's surprise, right before the end of the year, Sion ended up breaking up with his boyfriend. Everything was starting to feel normal again. Riku felt like he could finally breathe again. The weight was lifted; there was now one problem: how was Riku going to break up with Jaehee? Although he didn't feel anything for Jaehee, he didn't wanna break his heart either.

Even whilst dealing with his own issues, Riku couldn't pretend he didn't understand the heartbreak that Sion was going through, and even lent a shoulder for Sion to cry on, because who was going to be there for him if Riku wasn't? The duo was back to their normal routine; it was like nothing had changed. No outside relationships getting in the way, Sion's affection was finally pointed towards Riku again.

Everything was finally back to the way it should be, or so Riku had hoped. Sion noticeably started to hang out less with him, Yushi, and Jaehee, but Riku gave Sion space because he didn't want to push him too hard. Although Riku tried his best to be a good friend to Sion, it was clear that the breakup was hurting Sion more than he let on.

The distance wasn't felt in how they interacted; it was felt more in the empty spaces where Sion's presence once lingered. Sion would hang out near Yushi and Jaehee more; he wouldn't ever hang out longer than needed. He didn't walk home with Riku anymore, or chill with Riku after school in the restaurant. Everything was starting to become dull in his life in the wake of Sion's absence.

Everyone noticed, really, it would have been hard not to notice. Sion and Riku were attached at the hip, so for them not to be seen hanging out was a big deal. Even with Yushi and Jaehee, their lunch wasn't the same, and the classes he had with Sion no longer felt the same. Riku was desperate to close the gap between them, but it felt like nothing was working.

It wasn't too long after that that Riku finally broke up with Jaehee, and thankfully, they were able to remain friends. By the time this happened, a few weeks had passed before Sion started slowly finding his way back to them. It wasn't grand, but Riku started noticing Sion showing up again in places where he stopped appearing.

Sion started showing up at the restaurant again, and afternoons hanging out turned into long evenings laughing just like they used to. This was the first time since Sion broke up with his boyfriend that things finally started to feel right again. The heaviness that seemed to linger beyond the front Sion put up was fading, and the sparkle finally returned to the eyes of the one he loved dearly. He resembled the bright-eyed boy that Riku had met all those years ago.

Sion's endless affection returned once again as if it had never left, his arms draped over Riku's shoulder, always teasing Riku every chance he gets. Messing around with Riku and pulling his hoodie over his head just to get his attention. Riku's heart raced every time, and he truly felt like he was on cloud nine. Riku told himself not to read too much into it, not to get his hopes up. Sion had always been like this, always loud with his affections towards anyone he was close to. Even with Yushi and Jaehee now.

Riku had spent so long convincing himself that every lingering touch and glance was nothing more than mere friendship. Yushi had done his absolute best to try to convince Riku to just go for it. Riku tried, he really did, but confessing to your crush going on 4 years, who also happens to be your best friend that you have spent every waking moment with since you were 14, was not something Riku was quite equipped to do. Not only did Riku fear Sion's potential rejection, but he's also risking their friendship, and at this point, Riku doesn't know what would be worse: being rejected or no longer being friends with Sion.

Now it was closer to graduation, closer to summer, closer to a new chapter. Before long, they would be entering university. Riku was scared but also excited. The future was, of course, scary, and unfortunately, things were only going to get more difficult for the group since Sion was going to a university about an hour away from the rest of them. Every day, Yushi was reminding Riku that he was running out of time to truly confess with no obstacles in his way.

Yushi was probably right; confessing now and getting rejected would ultimately be better than never knowing the truth. Spending years wondering what if? Suddenly, the possibility of rejection no longer felt like the worst thing that could happen. What if he wasn't the one to wake up to Sion every day? Having to live the rest of his life seeing someone else beside the person who is possibly the love of his life? Riku couldn't let that happen, so now he has to figure out how to confess to the person who makes breathing easier every day.

Graduation came and went beneath the bright blue skies of Seoul, and the breeze against Riku's skin reminded him of that very day he met Sion all those years ago. When he turned to look at Sion, he found that he was already looking at him. The smile on his face was so soft and beautiful. The moment felt like something out of a movie, like everything and everyone else had disappeared into the background.

Riku's feet moved before he even realized, and he crashed into Sion, knocking them both off balance. His face flared up in embarrassment, but Sion just laughed it off. His grip lingered on Riku's arms just a moment longer than necessary. Riku felt the warmth still even after they had separated, reminding him that feeling the warmth of Sion's hands on him was all he ever wanted.

Before Riku knew it, another year had already passed, he graduated, and he's 18 now. His parents had insisted on closing the restaurant early that evening to hold a little celebration for Riku with his friends. The house was full of their laughter, Yushi and Jaehee teasing Riku about being the last one to become an adult. Sion stayed close, their shoulders accidentally brushing against each other with even slight movement. It was impossible to ignore his presence.

Every day, Riku felt like he was going to lose his mind; the line was blurring, and he wasn't sure whether he was being delusional or if it was mutual. Later that night, after everyone had headed home, the house fell silent as Riku sat alone by his bedroom window. The smell of rain had wafted inside, carrying with it the nostalgia of the past. Riku found himself thinking about the last 4 years, how his life had gotten completely uplifted. In losing the comfort of something he always knew, he gained something new, something he could never replace.

He was so grateful to have had the opportunity to make lifelong friends and a lifelong lover, should things work out the way he would like. Yushi's words echoed in his mind louder than ever. Riku wasn't sure when he had made up his mind, but he decided that it was finally time to confess to Sion. He was finally gonna stop living in the lie of Sion's best friend and be honest with himself and Sion.

The next morning, Riku woke up bright and early. He was as excited as he was nervous. Most of last night he spent lying there repeating what he was going to say over and over until he fell asleep. His dreams weren't much different. Riku feels like he went over every possible outcome whilst he was asleep. Some of them ended with laughter, some of them with a kiss, one ended in silence, and more of them ended with Riku never even confessing than he would like to admit.

He stood in front of the mirror longer than he probably should have, endlessly changing outfits and calling Yushi for help more times than necessary. Riku's hand wouldn't stop shaking as he placed his journal back on the desk. He was left wondering if one day he would look back on these pages and laugh at how utterly ridiculous he was. Maybe those pages would become the beginning of something beautiful.

The ink from the last sentence had begun to bleed into the page, and the edges were wrinkled like someone had gripped them too tightly. Tiny droplets had soaked into the paper, blurring everything that had been written so carefully and with so much love. The handwriting never continued after that page.

Sion had turned the page anyway, looking searching. Praying that what he had just read wasn't true, that he hadn't spent the last year so unsure of himself. Pretending he didn't feel anything for Riku, only to lose him right before the event that could have changed their lives. He should have been the one to tell Riku how he felt, then maybe he wouldn't have been there when that car ran the red light.

He could have been with Riku, cuddled up on the couch instead of sitting alone in his room, mourning everything that could have been. He never got to tell Riku how much he loved him, never got to hold him in the way he always wanted. He never got to propose to Riku or start a stupid little cat family like he wanted. He never got to visit Riku's hometown in Japan. If only…If only he hadn't been so scared of ruining everything, of loving the only person that brought light to his life, of losing everything.

Riku should be with him in his room, laughing about how silly they were both being. Telling each other that it was always them and there had never been anyone else, room for anyone else, and they were both just too caught up in saving what they already had. He could be kissing Riku under the moonlight, but instead, he can only imagine what it would be like.

He had never been more grateful to the little dandelion in the wind that guided him to visit Riku's parents today; what he found was more closure than he could ever have expected from this situation. It also gave him a lifetime of what-ifs that could never be healed or mended.

“I loved you too, Riku,” Sion whispered into the room, voice frail and breaking. “I always did.”

That afternoon, the summer breeze blew through Riku’s windows like it always had, closing a chapter that had forever changed Sion's life.