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It's been about three months since Grace went back for Rocky. They still have another four entire years before they reach Erid. What is there to do in all that time? Well, not much except remember. With nothing else to do, Grace's memories are flying back to him. Some of them are happy memories-- the kind of memories that make him smile out of nowhere and wonder, how the heck did I forget something like that? He remembers the times he laughed so hard he cried with the other crew members. He remembers the salty smell of the ocean in the morning and how the sun reflected against the water. He remembers his kids-- their happiness, their eagerness to learn, their optimism despite growing up in a world that was slowly dying around them.
He always liked being the cool teacher. After all, he worked pretty darn hard to achieve that reputation. Those memories were the best.
Other memories are... not so kind. He tries not to dwell on them but sometimes that's just impossible, especially when they begin to creep into his dreams. When he's asleep, he remembers the rotting faces of Ilyukhina and Yao; he sees Carl standing over him as he's held down and drugged like an animal. He remembers the crushing feeling of learning everyone in your life believes you to be dispensable. The pain, the sadness, the anger, and the fear-- especially the fear-- all resurface in his dreams as though he was experiencing it all over again.
The first time it happens, Grace is woken up to the sound of frightened chirping.
"Grace! Grace! Grace!"
Grace jolts awake. "Wha?"
"Grace screaming in sleep. Rocky call name many times. Grace not wake up." Rocky explains. There's a higher pitch to his voice that betrays his anxiety.
Oh. Just another nightmare.
"I'm awake now, bud." Grace replies, sitting up in bed. His heart is still pounding, and he's sweating so bad his clothes are sticking to him. He looks around just to double check that, no, he isn't being chased by a pack of dogs vaguely resembling his former coworkers. He shivers slightly.
"Grace is okay, question?" Rocky asks. Grace nods.
"Yeah. I'm okay."
"Rocky ♫♪♫♪♪... Need word."
"Explain."
"Very afraid. Strong worry."
"Panic." Grace says.
"Yes, Rocky panic when saw Grace not wake up."
"I'm alright now, Rocky." Grace says, reaching out and patting Rocky's xenonite ball. This is one of those moments where Grace wishes he didn't have a literal wall between him and his best friend. Right about now he'd really appreciate a hug or something of the kind.
"Why Grace start screaming when sleep?" Rocky asks. "Grace did not scream before. Is new." Rocky says.
Hmm... how could Grace go about explaining the concept of a nightmare to Rocky?
"Um..." Grace begins. "Sometimes, you know--"
"Rocky not know." Rocky interrupts, a hint of worry in his voice.
"It's a saying." Grace replies tiredly. "Sometimes, humans, when they sleep, they sort of... hallucinate."
"No understand word."
"Hallucinate?" Grace asks. Rocky nods his carapace.
"Well, it's basically... seeing things that aren't there."
"Hallucinate." Rocky repeats.
Grace continues: "When humans sleep, sometimes they have hallucinations of things. We call these dreams."
"Why do humans dream, question?" Rocky inquires.
Grace shrugs. "Wish I could tell you, bud. We don't know. Some scientists think it helps your brain sort out memories or something like that."
"Humans always yell while having dream, question?"
Grace shakes his head. "No... usually we don't. Those are called nightmares. Nightmares are just really bad dreams."
"All humans have bad dream every night, question?" Rocky asks.
"No. I dunno..." Grace rubs the back of his neck. "I think I'm just getting them more often because... I dunno. I guess I'm just... remembering stuff."
"What stuff, question?"
Grace shakes his head. "I don't want to talk about it."
Rocky's carapace slumps slightly, a signal that Grace has come to understand means disappointment. He hates not being able to share this burden with Rocky. But then again, he doesn't want Rocky to know that he was forced onto the Hail Mary against his will. He isn't sure what Rocky would even say to that. So he just shrugs and turns back onto his side.
"Will Grace have another nightmare, question?" Rocky asks worriedly.
"I hope not." Grace murmurs, already slipping off into sleep.
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The next day, after Grace finishes checking up on the Taumoeba farms, he has the rest of the day to himself. He sits down cross-legged in the dormitory with a computer open on his lap. Right now, his biggest problem is the fact that he can't find a black 8 for his red 7, a fact that he's incredibly grateful for. It beats fighting for his life and the survival of two different planets on a daily basis, which was his reality up until a couple months ago.
Suddenly, Rocky clambers in through his side of the tunnels. Grace perks up-- he's been meaning to show Rocky how to play Solitaire for a while. It seems to him like the kind of game Rocky would be interested in.
"Wanna learn a new game?" Grace asks, gesturing to his open laptop. "This is Solitaire. It's a card game--"
"Rocky busy." Rocky interrupts sharply, grabbing a few tools and disappearing back towards the lab. Grace frowns. Rocky doesn't usually behave like this. Grace shuts his computer and follows Rocky.
In the lab, Rocky is tinkering away with various Eridian tools. He hardly looks up when Grace comes in.
"What's your problem?" Grace asks. "Did I do something wrong?"
Rocky doesn't answer at first, but eventually puts his tools down and relents. "Nothing wrong with Grace. Everything wrong with Rocky." he says lowly.
"What?" Grace sputters. "What happened?" his mind automatically goes to the worst possible scenarios. Is Rocky sick? Or worse, is he dying? Oh, God. Grace gets a little nauseous at the thought of Rocky dying. He has to grab hold of the counter to steady himself.
It feels like ages before Rocky responds. His carapace is slightly lowered as though he's ashamed of himself.
"Rocky not good enough." he admits, so low that Grace can hardly hear him. "Rocky watch Grace sleep. But Grace still have nightmare. Rocky not good enough to protect Grace."
Grace feels his heart break a little at that. He slowly walks over to the Xenonite wall, putting his hand up against it as though it might be of some comfort to Rocky.
"No, Rock..." he replies softly. "It's not your fault. Humans can't control dreams."
Rocky seems to shrink further into himself. Grace only say that to make Rocky feel better."
"Not at all." Grace stammers. "It's true. If anything, having you here has helped me."
Rocky lifts his carapace. "Want to help more."
"I'm not sure if there's anything else you can do, bud."
"Rocky will help more." He disappears down the tunnel briefly before reappearing with a thin square of some kind of transparent material. He manipulates it with his hands; it's incredibly flexible. Looking closer, Grace can see that it's made up of several tiny xenonite triangles molded together somehow.
"Rocky make new xenonite suit. Not ball. Suit is more ♫♪♫♪♫♫. With new suit Rocky be closer to Grace to protect Grace." he explains.
Understand." Grace replies. "But are you sure that's safe?"
Rocky chirps in the affirmation. "Will test. Be ready in few days. Then Grace not have bad dreams."
"I'm not sure that's how it works--"
"Grace will not have bad dreams." Rocky interrupts stubbornly.
"Whatever you say, Rocky..."
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"New suit ready." Rocky announces a few days later as Grace is getting ready for bed. "Will watch Grace sleep better."
"Oh, really?" Grace yawns, pulling his blankets up to his chest.
It has been a long day of working in the lab, and he's about ready to collapse. "Are you gonna put it on?" he asks Rocky.
"Yes." Rocky disappears into his own chamber. While he's gone, Grace feels a twinge of sadness. He doubts that having Rocky any closer will help with his nightmares, which have been happening almost nightly now. The weight of how Grace really got to the Hail Mary drags him down like a stone.
Just let him do something nice for you. Grace thinks. A coward doesn't deserve nice things. A darker part of him responds.
When Rocky returns, Grace can't help but gasp. Grace can see there's only about a centimeter or two between the barrier and Rocky himself. As expected, the material is flexible. Rocky is able to move freely as though there's hardly any barrier at all.
"Oh, wow. That... that looks incredible." Grace breathes. He's always been impressed with Rocky's engineering skills but this? This is some next-level engineering. The fact that just beyond a few thin xenonite walls-lies a fiery environment with 29 times the atmospheric pressure as Grace's-- with air that could kill Grace if he so much as breathed it-- astounds him beyond anything else. But to Rocky, it's just another day of trying to help his friend. Rocky climbs up onto the bed and hunkers down right next to Grace. At first, Grace isn't sure if the bed can handle an extra 300 pounds of weight. But it doesn't even creak.
Grace shifts slightly to make room for Rocky. His body heat is mostly contained within the xenonite panels. Even so, he's like a walking radiator. Grace can't help but find it oddly comforting.
"Grace go to sleep now." Rocky says quietly. Over the years, Grace has gotten better at deciphering the various tones of Rocky's speech. Right now, there's a certain tenderness that Grace has only heard a few times before, like the times when Rocky talks about Adrian.
Hm. I wonder what that might mean... Is Grace's last thought before he drifts off to sleep.
After what feels like only a few hours, Grace opens his eyes. The ship is dark, much darker than it should be. There's a weird bluish hue that normally isn't there. And, possibly the most alarming fact of all, he can't move his body. He feels a chill go down his spine.
"Rocky?" he calls out. There's no response. Luckily, he can at least move his head. He turns to look towards where Rocky should be, but there's nothing there. In fact, Rocky's entire area is completely nonexistent, as though he never existed. In the back of Grace's mind, he knows Rocky is supposed to be there. A terrifying image of Rocky alone in space flashes through his vision and he has to look away. He turns his head back to the front of the room and gasps at what he sees next.
Stratt is standing over him.
"Stratt?" Grace chuckles nervously. "You're not supposed to be here."
Stratt ignores him, walking past his bed to the other two empty ones. Or at least, Grace is vaguely aware that they should be empty. She returns dragging a body bag with her. There's a Russian flag on it.
Ilyukhina, Grace thinks.
Grace watches Stratt as she puts the body in the airlock, then sends it off into space. She repeats the process with Yao's body. All the while, a vague, senseless terror begins to grow in Grace's body, as though he knows what's coming next.
She stops above his bed and begins the process again.
"Wait." Grace tries saying. "I'm not dead." Stratt pauses, looking him dead in the eyes.
"You might as well be." she replies indifferently.
"No no no no no!" Grace screams. She lifts him with ease and carries him through the ship. Panic floods Grace's body as he writhes and screams to no avail. He still can't move. He begs for help-- for someone, anyone, to do something. Stratt, at least, doesn't hear him. Or maybe she just pretends not to.
Finally, when the airlock opens, Stratt watches him from the window as he is sent hurtling through the vast emptiness of space. Grace feels himself slowly suffocate as oxygen is sucked out of his lungs. He takes one final look at the Hail Mary as his vision slowly turns to black.
Grace feels a warm claw on his shoulder, violently shaking him awake. He opens his eyes, gasping for air.
"Just bad dream, Grace friend, bad bad bad dream. Grace okay, Grace with Rocky now."
Rocky is above him-- wait. Rocky's above him? Grace blinks a few times, not quite sure if he's really awake.
Oh, he remembers now. Rocky is wearing his new xenonite suit.
Three of Rocky's legs are holding himself up above Grace's bed, while the other two are on his shoulders. Grace feels a sense of warmth-- which may or may not be the heat radiating from Rocky himself-- spreading through his body.
"M' okay, Rocky." he says hoarsely. He attempts to sit up, but Rocky pushes him back down.
Okay. Rocky's stronger than he looks.
"Grace not okay. Grace screaming again. Face leaking."
Grace touches his face. Sure enough, his fingers come away wet. Was he crying? He blinks the tears away.,
"Rocky no understand. Rocky watch Grace sleep. Grace have nightmare. Rocky build suit, watch Grace sleep next to Grace in Grace bed. Grace still have nightmare. Is my fault, question?" There's a slightly higher pitch in his voice that Grace takes to mean as frustration. And Grace is frustrated, too. For one, the dream scared the ever loving crap out of him. He actually looks around the dormitory just to double check that, yes, it's just the two of them on the Hail Mary. It also doesn't help that Rocky has rendered him almost completely immobile on the bed.
"It isn't your fault. Now could you please get off of me?" Grace asks tiredly, squirming under his grip. Rocky doesn't move.
"Grace explain to Rocky why Grace have nightmare." he insists. Grace can feel his chest fluttering, which he tries to ignore. "I don't wanna talk about it."
"Grace stubborn, statement." replies Rocky.
"Oh, yeah? Like this--" he uses his head to gesture to Rocky's position above him-- "Isn't you being stubborn?"
Rocky slowly relents, seating himself at the foot of Grace's bed. "Now Grace explain why Grace have nightmare."
Grace sits up, propping himself up on his elbows. "Rocky... it doesn't have anything to do with you watching me sleep. You're doing a great job."
Rocky's carapace lifts slightly.
"The problem is my brain. Remember what I said before? It's... sort of... working through memories."
"Grace have bad bad bad memories, question?" Rocky asks, his voice soft. Grace nods. In all the time that they've spent together, they haven't really talked about any of the bad stuff that's happened to them. I guess it was just never the right time. Grace thinks to himself.
"Rocky will watch Grace sleep from far away if Grace no think it will help." Rocky rises and turns to leave Grace's bed.
"Wait--"
Suddenly, Grace is spilling everything that's happened to him. He tells Rocky all about waking up without any memory of who he was, seeing the dead faces of Ilyukhina and Yao and just knowing they were people dear to him but not understanding why he loved them. Through tears, he explains the terror-- that paralyzing, suffocating, overwhelming fear that threatened to swallow him whole, but didn't-- it didn't, and because it didn't, he saved the world, only to learn he never wanted to in the first place. He tells him about Stratt, who sent him to space despite the fact that he ran away screaming and begging not to go; he had to be literally held down just to make it there in the first place. He explains the amnesia solution they gave him-- he's only now starting to remember, and it weighs on him every day because everyone else was so, so brave, everyone except for him.
Rocky listens silently. He barely moves in the hour or so that Grace spends rambling. He doesn't shift or fidget. Every fiber of his being is laser-focused on what Grace has to say.
"Sometimes I have nightmares about you being alone up there, and I know you're there, but there isn't anything I can do to help you." Grace admits. "I think about that a lot. Like-- if the Hail Mary never made it, you'd still be here."
Rocky makes a low humming sound. Grace feels a little nervous. It doesn't seem like Rocky is saying anything coherent.
"I don't understand what you're saying." Grace says. Rocky's entire carapace shudders-- which makes Grace realize he's not speaking at all.
He's crying.
Or, at least, doing the Eridian equivalent of crying. Grace panics slightly. He has never seen Rocky cry, not in all the time he's known him. His entire body is vibrating as a quiet, haunting sound emanates from him. Grace reaches a hand out but pulls it back, unsure what to do.
"Rock, I didn't mean to make you cry." he says. "I'm sorry."
Rocky slowly composes himself. His body stops shaking, and the noise disappears. "Apology." he says in a hushed tone. "Rocky not know Grace forced onto ship."
"It's okay." Grace says.
"Grace not coward. Grace not wrong for being afraid. Grace still brave human." Rocky says, which sends Grace into another crying fit. It's exactly what he's been yearning to hear ever since that fateful day in Stratt's trailer. For it to come from Rocky especially-- means more than Grace can put into words.
"Rocky hate Stratt." Rocky says. Grace pauses, wiping his tears.
"No, Rock. You shouldn't hate her." Grace says.
"But Stratt hurt Grace." Rocky insists.
"I know. Still... I don't hate her. I used to... but now I understand. Besides, if she didn't do that, I'd never have met you." Grace lays a hand on the xenonite barrier and watches as Rocky relaxes from his defensive position.
"Is true." Rocky says. "And Rocky ♫♪♪♬♪..." he lets his voice trail off into silence.
"I don't understand." Grace says. Rocky declines to tell him what he said, and instead shuffles closer to him on the bed.
"Rocky... suffer too." Rocky admits quietly. "Rocky not tell Grace. Not want Grace to worry."
Grace turns to face Rocky, or at least the part of him that he's decided is his "front."
"You can tell me all about it, Rock." Grace says.
Grace and Rocky spend the next few hours exchanging stories. Grace learns all about Rocky's crewmates-- their skill, their distinct, charming personalities, and their own lives. It's the first he's ever heard about them since learning they existed in the first place. He learns of Rocky's fear when, one by one, his friends stopped waking up. Rocky's voice is low, and it trembles as though he's trying not to completely shatter in front of him. Rocky learns more about Grace's students and the friends he made while working on Project Hail Mary. At some points they laugh. More often, they cry. By the end of it, Grace is a weepy mess; his face is covered in tears and snot, which he can tell Rocky is suppressing the urge to be grossed out by.
"That was like a weight off my shoulders." Grace confesses, sighing with relief.
"No understand." Rocky says.
"It's a saying. It means I feel like I've let go of a really heavy burden." Grace explains.
"Rocky agree."