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It is said that a person's first ever love is unforgettable, everlasting, and even magical; that it will forever shape the way that person view's the world, the way they connect with people, and the way they just completely change because of love.
For Heeseung, at least, this theory is true.
It has been years since he dated Sunoo. Their adorable and fairytale-like love story had started back in high-school, when Heeseung was in his last year, and Sunoo was one year below.
Heeseung remembers being absolutely moonstruck the moment his eyes met Sunoo's. The younger boy was only walking through the school hallway when Heeseung knew that he would be the love of his life despite finding out a year later that Sunoo just didn't feel the same.
Their relationship lasted one year. Three hundred and sixty days into their romantic adventure, Sunoo had asked Heeseung to meet in their usual spot: the benches in front of the lake behind Sunoo's house. Heeseung foolishly believed that perhaps his boyfriend had prepared a surprise for their first ever anniversary. However, all he found when he got there, was a broken Sunoo with a request of having a break.
The events of that evening replay vividly on Heeseung's mind from time to time. He recalls the moment he accepted such absurd request with a bright smile plastered on his face, acting as if he wasn't completely heartbroken. He was stupid enough to believe Sunoo's words, to believe that all his boyfriend needed was a break.
But of of course no such thing as a break was needed. Sunoo lied to him.
Time slowly passed by, and Heeseung began to realise that Sunoo had no intentions of ever getting back together. Which was a pity, and it hurt Heeseung, because they still shared the same group of friends. From a distance, Heeseung observed how Sunoo became a functional adult (he, himself, as well) every time they met for birthday parties, casual hangouts, or special occasions.
In every and each of these meetings, Heeseung can't stop himself from staring at Sunoo the entire time. Sunoo interacts with everyone but him, because why would he? They're not friends, not even acquittances. They just happen to share the same group after graduating high-school.
Now it's Saturday. Heeseung has just got back to his apartment from a bar down the street, they were celebrating Jake's promotion at his new job. Sunoo was there as well, he didn't interact with Heeseung at all besides a formal and respectful hello when he arrived at the bar. Other than that, nothing—not even a glance.
After all these years (seven, to be exact), Heeseung has learnt to live with it. It's been almost a decade, he should be over it, but the reality is that he is not. Sure, he has a better management of his emotions after countless therapy sessions and midnight talks with his best friend, Jake. However, on nights like these, in which he's drunk one too many beers, he feels sadder than ever.
He knows that there are bottles of red wine in his kitchen cabinet, gifts from his relatives whenever they come to visit him. Dreading his own poor decisions, and going against the responsible side of him that tells him not to do it, he grabs a random bottle, and drinks straight from it. He crunches his nose; wine is disgusting. He's almost one hundred percent sure that people collectively pretend to like it.
He doesn't really need much to start feeling dizzy, it only takes a couple more gulps and his heart begins to spin. He doesn't stop, though. With his other hand, the one that's not grabbing the wine bottle, he grabs his phone and opens the photo gallery. He scrolls and scrolls mindlessly with his thumb until he reaches the photos of his high-school years—more specifically, his last one.
There are so many pictures of him with his friends, with Jake, even with some teachers.
And Sunoo.
Sunoo is there. He smiles like always, so pretty and happy with his recently-dyed pink hair that his parents were absolutely against. There isn't a single photo in which Sunoo isn't showing his beautiful bright smile, with those crescent moons that form in his eyes, endearingly so.
The memories make Heeseung's heart ache.
They were so happy, what even happened?
He brings the bottle up towards his mouth to take another sip, but the bottle is empty. Without realising, he has chugged the entire bottle of wine.
His head is killing him, his eyesight is slightly blurry, and his body feels heavy. He's a lightweight, he's aware he shouldn't have drunk this much, but the alcohol does help erase the sad thoughts from his mind. It helps him to stop thinking about what Sunoo and him could have been if Heeseung wasn't such a coward, if he had actually fought for their love instead of giving up on it that easily.
He struggles to get up, but he manages to stand up from the sofa. His feet unconsciously guide him back to the kitchen, where he grabs another bottle, and pops it open. Wine has long lost that unusual bitter taste that would make him want to stop drinking. Now it's just another type of disgusting grape juice.
When he attempts to walk back to the living room, he stops mid-walk in the door of his apartment. The alcohol is making him want to do something crazy.
Before the rational side of his mind can even stop him, his feet move on their own. He trips on them, almost landing face-flat on the floor and crashing the glass bottle on it, but he manages to support himself on the nearest wall. He drags his back against the cold surface until he reaches the door, and opens it. The air outside is cold, it hits him like a brick, almost brings him back to consciousness, though the alcohol in his bloodstream still runs pretty wild.
In the depths of his mind, he's well-aware that he's being idiotic. He knows he should turn back on his heels and get back in bed, pretend nothing has ever happened. But, he also knows that Sunoo lives in the very same building as he does, four floors below, with that roommate of his that Heeseung hates and is sort-of jealous of.
When he least expects it, he finds himself inside of the lift, stupidly pressing the number of Sunoo's floor with his shaky finger. His legs shake like leaves, his head spins, the bright lights don't help his case.
He really shouldn't have drunk that much.
Now, though, after an eternal lift ride, he stands on Sunoo's door. He takes a sip from the bottle for more strength and courage, then knocks once—twice even—, but there's no answer. After all, it must be two in the morning.
This time, he chooses to listen to the conscious part of his brain that keeps telling him to give it up already, to forget about all of this, and leave.
So he does.
He turns on his heels, wobbly so, and tries to get back inside the lift.
However, that sweet soft voice he's been begging to hear calls his name.
"Heeseung?"
He freezes, only for a moment, suddenly overcome with guilt and shame. He turns around, very slowly so, tuning his ears and face to where the voice comes from. Sunoo's right there, sleepily standing in the door frame with his pyjamas and a plushie in his arms (the avocado one Heeseung had once won for him by spending his first ever paycheck in a claw machine).
Heeseung clears his throat, slightly shakes his head and fixes his hair, then puts on his best neutral face. ''Hi.''
His attempts to pass as sober seem to be a failure, because Sunoo sighs and shakes his head in disappointment. ''You're drunk,'' he says. If Heeseung didn't know him better, he'd say Sunoo is a little bit annoyed.
Heeseung, however, scoffs. ''No, I'm not,'' he answers, dragging his words.
He sounds absolutely stupid. He's flushing red, his hair is a total mess, he's not even wearing shoes at all, and he reeks of alcohol. Yet, he states he's not drunk.
Sunoo steps outside of the apartment just to hold Heeseung's wrist and pull him inside. The door closes behind him, and the bottle is snatched from his hand, then placed in Sunoo's hall table. Sunoo turns to look at him, unsure of what to say, or what to do.
The more Heeseung stares at Sunoo, at the way he tries to maintain his eyes open, at the way he clutches his plushie and the way he looks at him with both worry and pity, the less Heeseung can stop the tears from flowing.
Sunoo, however, doesn't flinch, doesn't react at all. He lets Heeseung cry, alone, without a hand on his back to tell him everything will be okay.
The one and only time he does move is to hold Heeseung's hand, and guide him towards the living-room. Sunoo forces him to sit on the sofa, then proceeds to sit on the opposite corner, still clinging onto his plushie.
''I'm sorry,'' Heeseung says with a hiccup at the end. His tears continue falling, his cheeks burn, and his heart beats out of his chest.
''Why are you even sorry for?'' Sunoo asks. He sounds calm, relaxed… indifferent even, and it breaks Heeseung's heart.
He hides his face in his palms while the tears fall pathetically so down his cheeks. He tries, but he can't find the right words to express what he feels, specially not when the alcohol has numbed his brain, and certainly not when he notices the way Sunoo looks at him—like he pities him.
"I'm sorry…" he slurs.
Sunoo sighs, then finally pushes the plushie aside. ''Come here,'' he says.
Heeseung uncovers his face, and is hit with flashbacks. Sunoo is right there, with his arms wide open that incite a hug—just like he used to do whenever Heeseung had a bad day.
He hesitates for a brief moment. He knows it'll only mess with his mind, that it'll make it absolutely worse, but who is he not to comply?
He crawls across the sofa until he's finally lying on top of Sunoo's chest, with his ex-boyfriend's arms wrapped around his weakly body. Heeseung squeezes Sunoo's warm body, cheeks pressed flat against his heart, hearing the way it beats unsteadily. It's been so long since the last time they've done this.
Sunoo rubs Heeseung's back, then hums a song they're both very familiar with. Heeseung can feel the vibrations on Sunoo's chest while he hums to the rhythm of that song he would sing for Heeseung whenever he had trouble sleeping.
"…just the two of us, getting deeply moonstruck (…),"
Heeseung clutches into Sunoo's body, eyes tightly closed as he enjoys the sweet lullaby that comes from his ex-boyfriend's mouth.
The next morning, the bright rays of sun shining through the window, straight into Heeseung's face, are what awake him. He squints his eyes, rubbing them as he tries to make sense of where he is. He gets up, a little disoriented, with an awful headache that feels as if someone is hammering his skull.
He finally realises where he is. He jumps away from the sofa, now coming to understand that he was sleeping on no other place but Sunoo's chest, with his ex-boyfriend's hands wrapped on his waist.
He walks back in disbelief, accidentally bumping into the coffee table, and tripping with his own feet. He lands butt-first onto the floor, and hisses at the pain.
"Fucking shit," he curses.
The noise wakes Sunoo up. He also squints his eyes at the bright sunlight that blinds him. He sits straight on the sofa, complaining about the back pain. His muscles ache because of the uncomfortable position he slept in.
He lifts his eyebrows at the image of Heeseung sitting on the floor, then shoots a thin-lipped smile. "Good morning," he says. "Are you okay?"
Heeseung quickly gets up, and nods. "Yes. I'm— I—, fuck," he stutters. "Sorry."
He bolts towards the exit door, entirely ready to make it to his apartment and pack all of his belongings to move out of the building—of the country if possible. However, in the rush of the moment, he bumps into someone coming out of the kitchen when he runs to the door.
"Shit— I'm so sorry," he apologises, coming to realise that he dropped the stranger's cup of coffee.
Though it's not really an stranger. Heeseung recognises him as Sunoo's annoying roommate, the one he's a bit jealous of.
"Heeseung?" the roommate asks. "Jeez, you look awful," he says. Jay, was it? Heeseung doesn't really remember, nor cares. "Wait, did you stay the night? I thought you and Sunoo hated each other!"
Heeseung frowns.
"Jay!" Sunoo calls out his name from the living room. "I told you several times we don't!"
"Sorry, babe, I forgot!" he answers.
Babe? Whatever. Heeseung doesn't care.
He doesn't say anything further. He walks to the door, and leaves. He needs to move out of the country, out of the planet if possible.
Once he makes it back to his apartment, he throws himself onto his sofa, and screams into one of the pillows.
How could he be so damn stupid to get drunk and crash on Sunoo's place? And on top of that, fall asleep on his chest? He wants to disappear.
He curses at himself as he makes his way to the bathroom, forcing himself to take a cold shower as some sort of punishment for what he did last night.
When he's done, he steps out of the bathroom with a towel hanging around his waist. Before he can even walk to his bedroom to get dressed, the doorbell rings.
He does his best to ignore it, but it won't stop ringing. Absolutely pissed off, he walks to the door and opens it, ready to curse at whoever dares to ruin his day.
However, all the curse words get stuck on his throat when he sees the person responsible standing right there on the hallway.
It's none other than Sunoo.
Sunoo's eyes unconsciously travel all along Heeseung's naked torso, they widen when he notices his ex-boyfriend hasn't missed a single day at the gym. Then, he shakes his head, internally cursing at himself for being so obvious.
Heeseung, despite being totally sober and just a little bit more conscious of his actions, attempts to close the door on Sunoo's face, but Sunoo stops him.
"We need to talk, don't we?" he asks, and Heeseung gulps.
"Do we?"
"Yes," Sunoo replies, walking inside the apartment as if he owns it.
Heeseung closes the door, then runs towards his bedroom, quickly putting on the first pair of pants and t-shirt he finds. Before walking back to the living room, he takes a deep breath, and goes.
"I'm sorry for whatever I did yesterday," he begins, awkwardly standing in the doorframe of his bedroom that faces directly to the living room, where Sunoo is sitting on the sofa. "I don't remember anything."
"You bawled like a newborn, then apologised for whatever, and then you fell asleep on me," Sunoo explains like it's nothing. Like Heeseung isn't totally dying inside out of embarrassment. "Why did you drink that much? You know you're a lightweight, you're worse than I am," he says.
Unlike last night, now Sunoo says it out of genuine worry.
"I'm sorry, okay? I won't do it again, I won't bother you again, I'm sorry," Heeseung apologises, eyes fixed on the floor, one hand rubbing the back of his neck. "Can— can you leave now?"
"You said something last night, in your sleep."
Fuck. What the hell did he say now?
"I'm sorry about whatever I said."
Sunoo sighs, and gets up, visibly irritated as he walks towards Heeseung. "Stop apologising, will you? It's getting annoying."
Heeseung glances at him, then fixes his eyes back on the floor. His heart beats uncomfortably fast on his chest, and he doesn't know what to say or what to do anymore. He's never felt this vulnerable, with his heart out served on a silver plate.
Then, Sunoo speaks again. "If anything, I should be the one to apologise."
Now, Heeseung does look up, he locks eyes with Sunoo. He's taller than his ex-boyfriend, but somehow he feels so small right now. "What?"
"I was a stupid teenager back then when I left you, when I asked you for a break," he begins. "I didn't know what I wanted. I was going abroad, you were starting university, I thought it wasn't going to work out, you know?"
Heeseung frowns. All he's hearing right now is utter bullshit. He remembers their talks regarding Sunoo completing his education abroad, and Heeseung's university choice. They had everything to make it work.
"I know what you're thinking," Sunoo says. He takes one step closer, now they're standing face to face, closer than they have ever been since that evening in the lake behind Sunoo's house. "That we had what we needed to make it work, right? We did, you're right, but I wasn't sure, okay? And you know I was surrounded by a group of friends that weren't good influence, I guess I allowed them to change my perception about you—about us."
That's not a lie. Back then, Sunoo's group of friend besides him and Jake were the kind of people a parent would describe when talking about bad influences.
"But then… I guess I got used to the new dynamics," Sunoo confesses. His eyes are glassy, and his voice has begun to shake. "To ignore you whenever we met with the boys, to pretend you didn't exist, to bury those feelings deep in my heart because I knew that I wasn't entirely over you. And I guess I was right because… last night…"
"Stop," Heeseung manages to finally speak. He harshly wipes the tears that come out. "You're telling me that all of this time you ignored me on purpose? You didn't talk to me because, what, you were a coward?" he asks, voice a bit too high and violent.
Now it's Sunoo's turn to look down at the floor, silent and cold tears sliding down his cheeks.
"Do you know how much I've cried for you?" Heeseung continues. "Do you know the days I've wasted because I didn't feel like doing anything, because you weren't here with me?" he says. "Do you know how many times I've hoped you would talk to me and we could still be friends despite you leaving me? Despite you asking for a fucking break? Because— hah," Heeseung scoffs. "You weren't even man enough to tell me "Hey, Heeseung, it's not fucking break, I'm fucking breaking up with you!", right?"
Sunoo sobs loudly now, allowing the tears to continue falling. He can't bring himself to be angry at Heeseung for rising his voice at him, because he's right.
Then, Heeseung speaks again. "But you know what's worse?" he asks, voice softer now as he takes a step closer to Sunoo. "That I still love you. Shit, I have never stopped loving you, not even when you broke my heart in tiny pieces then abandoned me."
Sunoo looks up at him, with his glassy red eyes, and his quivering lips. He wants to speak, but he's not sure what would be the appropriate words.
"And you know what?" Heeseung chuckles ironically. "I still love you so damn much that if you asked me to give us a second chance, I fucking would!"
Sunoo's eyes light up. It would be crazy, wouldn't it? It's never recommended to date your ex-partner again, since it usually ends in disaster, but Sunoo is not a man of statistics.
"Would you?" he asks.
Heeseung smiles like a maniac, then nods. He cups Sunoo's face with his cold hands, making their foreheads touch. "I would do anything for you, my sun."
Sunoo smiles at the nickname. How good it feels to hear it again after so many years.
He takes a hand to Heeseung's neck, and pulls him in for a kiss.
They melt into each other's mouths, giving into those bottled-up feelings, enjoying the years of yearning in those lips that are joined together now.
It tastes salty because of their tears, but also sweet because they just missed each other so much that they're eager to melt and become one.
Heeseung is the first to push his tongue inside Sunoo's cavity, letting his boyfriend know he's eager, and desperate. Sunoo is not so different, he grips Heeseung's collar, pulling him as close as he can.
"Show me how much you missed me," Sunoo whispers in between the kiss, taking Heeseung's hands to his ass and placing them there.
"I'll show you," Heeseung replies. He drags his lips to Sunoo's neck, sucking and biting as they walk in the bedroom, closing the door behind them.