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Everyone he loved hated him. He knew that, had grown to accept it to some extent. Their hate was a valid reaction to what he had done to them. He just wanted to explain to them what went wrong, where he had wronged them and why. He had his reasons, he had them written. The entire thing was a stupid endeavor, writing letters and reading them, but it was better than staking from the shadows. At least it gave him a path to something that wasn't a forever pit of loneliness. He didn't expect forgiveness, he hoped for it or least something that wasn't pure hate.
The concert had been awful. Perhaps a reckoning for his harm done to Lestat or just a cruel joke. The terribly loud music and the headache inducing lights. All attention all him. He had froze. He didn't know what to do. So he stayed still and let Lestat mock him, touch his hair, show him off like a toy. He wanted to be angry but instead he was overwhelmed and frozen. He left the minute he could move his body.
Left the horrible sound, the jostling crowd, the humiliation. He needed to get away. He slipped out the side door and let it slam behind him blocking him from the clawing noise. It was better out on the street but there were still people and cars. Noise was everywhere and it was piercing his ears. Every sound setting him more and more on edge, his control slipping slightly. He needed silence and to be completely alone. He started walking towards the high end hotel he was staying at, when Daniel caught him.
Daniel whose presence he desperately wanted to take comfort in but could not. His questions probing him. Once a journalist always a journalist. Armand found that he didn't have answers and it was frustrating. He had no clue what was happening when everyone disappeared. He wished he had an answer for his boy.
Then the question about Dubai. That he could answer. And now, His beautiful Daniel, his fledgling, was standing before him now, a look of confusion twisting his face. His wonderful wrinkled face staring at him.
"But it was love?" Daniel repeated to him, incredulously. "The fuck is that supposed to mean," he yelled.
"I love you, Daniel," he said attempting to control himself. He wanted Daniel but not now, not here, with his brain fighting him on every word. Each car passing grading on his already worn down nerves, the collar of his jacket touching his neck. He needed to leave but had so much work to do with Daniel, he knew leaving would ruin anything he had done. He gritted his teeth harshly and dug his nails into his palms, finding mild release within the pain of the puncture wounds.
"Yeah ditching me for two years really screams that you love me, you fucking bastard," Daniel ranted but some of the heat of words was lost by Daniel's expression which Armand could not place. It was not anger but something else.
Everything was failing him. He couldn't read Daniel. His words were hateful but there was no venom behind them. He wished he could look into his mind but he couldn't. He stared at Daniel unable to respond. It felt like rocks were in his throat. A car honked near by and the sound filled him with rage. Now there was rage but not for Daniel or Lestat but for the noise and himself. Why couldn't he just have a conversation with Daniel? Why the one time Daniel started the conversation could he not function.
"Really nothing?" Daniel sneered. "Not even going to reply to me asshole"
He stared at Daniel completely lost. He wanted to say something, anything, but his body and mind were no longer his. His mind was a mess, he could not form words.
A car engine revved. Something snapped. He was overwhelmed, everything was too much and it was crashing down around him. His emotions were exploding in his head and he needed a release. His skin felt too tight for his body.
He dug his nails harder into his palm. The pain cooling his brain for a second, letting him breathe.
"Are you bleeding?" Daniel asked almost gently, his eyebrows knit together like he was trying to solve a puzzle.
Armand looked down to where Daniel was staring at his clenched fists. There was blood pooling on the side walk under him.
He needed to leave. To have the privately to tear himself to shreds.
He ran down the alleyway. His jacket on his neck rubbed at him. Off. It needed to be off now. He slowed to rip the jacket off.
A cold hand gripped his wrist and stopped him in place. It was Daniel. He knew it was Daniel. But he wanted to tear out of the grip. The touch was horrifying against his skin. He wanted to scream. The wounds on his palms were closing, he wanted to reopen them. He felt tears in his eyes.
"Get off," he growled out, refusing to look at Daniel. He didn't want Daniel to see his tears.
"Fuck you," he spat out. "Stop fucking running"
He was losing control. He felt trapped like a prey animal his heart was racing. He dug his claws into the closing wounds on his palm. Pain cleared his mind for a second before Daniel grabbed his other hand. Forcing him to face Daniel. He stared at the ground. He couldn't look at his boy. It was too much the pain was not enough to outweigh the sensation of touch and all the sounds happening. He needed to cut his wrists open over and over again and watch them bleed.
Daniel was saying something but it couldn't hear it. The cold touch on his skin, prickled against his nerves. He wanted to tear his skin open.
Then a police siren.
Loud.
It hurt.
He might have screamed he wasn't sure. He knew he had his hands over his ears. He had broken Daniel's grip on his hands and they were his again.
He shut his eyes tightly. Covered his ears with his hands to protect them from the awful sound. His knees were giving out. He came crashing to the ground. It didn't matter. The noise was there and getting louder.
He clawed his nails into the sides of his head, cutting into his flesh. It felt good but it was not enough. Liquid rolled down his face, tears? He desperately needed to wipe them away as they sparked his nerves in his skin. But he couldn't he needed his hands on his ears.
He curled in on himself. Pulling his knees up to his chest to hide his face and block out more light than his eyelids could. He rocked slightly back and forth like a child. It felt so good, that motion, he couldn't stop even if it was childish. All he ever was, was a forever child.
He felt so stupid. He couldn't control himself. Hot rage was pulsing through his veins. Why couldn't he just talk? Why did he need to cover his ears? Noise didn't hurt other people the way it hurt him. He hated himself. He should be able to talk to Daniel, and not breakdown in the street over ridiculous noises.
The police siren was gone into the night but there was still so much noise from the street. This was idiotic of him. It was just noise. But it wasn't, it hurt and sent him out of control. He took one hand off of his ear and grabbed his curls with it, the tug of pain felt so good. He pulled hard ripping the hair from their follicles. The pain was hot and delicious. It cleared his mind, calmed the raging sea. It felt so good but the effect was temporary.
He heard a sharp gasp from somewhere above him. Was Daniel still there? Surely he wasn't. Armand hoped he wasn't.
But a cold hand wrapped around his hand that held his hair.
"What the fuck," Daniel said, his hand tightly gripped around his skin.
His head was still between his knees, he could feel Daniel's eyes on him. He hated it. Hated the judgment. Hated how easily he had been sent spiraling off a cliff.
"Go away," he whispered. The pain had helped enough for him to form words at least. He could feel blood trickling down his neck. Awful. He could not deal with Daniel right now. He needed to be alone, where he could hurt himself until his brain finally was quiet.
"No," Daniel growled at him.
Armand could sense the other man lowering himself to the ground beside him. A hand move to his hair and he tensed. He wanted to scream to not touch him but he would ever. His body was never really his. He would let whoever touch him. Forced himself to go numb at the touch.
But the hand was removed quickly. The hand on his wrist stayed but loosened a little.
"You could tell me if you don't want me to touch you," Daniel said, maybe annoyed, Armand couldn't tell.
"I'm not a child," he spat with venom.
"Didn't say you were asshole," Daniel said, gently releasing his wrist. "Don't you fucking dare run," he said, almost softy.
"Why do you care," he tried to come off harshly but his voice cracked on the last word. He buried his head deeper trying to ignore the tears that were building. He wanted Daniel gone. But Daniel had given him an order and he was nothing if not a slave to others.
"Maybe because you made me into a vampire, or no maybe try all the fucking memories you erased that are now coming back," Daniel said, severely.
Of course those memories were back. Daniel was far to cleaver to keep the fog in place, especially now that Armand no longer had access to his mind. A car honked near by and he flinched. It was so loud. His nerves were still wound tight. He wrapped his arms around his knees hoping for some kind of comfort, it didn't help.
"Jesus Christ," Daniel muttered.
A minute of silence fell over them. Armand was desperately trying to push down all his emotions, at least enough so he could get himself out of his mess. He squeezed himself, the pressure felt good. Slowly his brain was cooling down.
"Why did you hurt yourself?" Daniel said, gently.
"Why are you working with Lestat?" he shot back.
"Maybe because someone abandoned me," Daniel spat, though it was clear there was little malice behind it.
"I'm sorry," he said, weakly.
"Bullshit," Daniel said. "Will you fucking look at me"
Armand lifted his head and looked at Daniel. He was surprised to find a worried look on his face. He shouldn't care, not after everything.
"Go away please" he begged. "I can't do this right now"
"Why not," he said. "You've been staking me for months and now you can't stand to be near me"
Something snapped in Armand. "Because tonight my brain is fighting me, every sound feels like a hot iron against my skull, every touch sets my skin on fire and feels like everything is eating me from the inside out," he yelled. He dug his nails into his pant legs ripping through to the skin under.
Daniel was silence for a minute just staring at him with those beautiful eyes. He wished he could let Daniel stay. Wished he could let Daniel wrap his arms around him.
"What should I do?" he asked, sounding lost.
"Leave me alone for tonight," he said, quietly.
"And tomorrow?" Daniel said, his hands slightly shaking in his lap.
"I'll let you know"
Daniel nodded and got up slowly and left Armand sitting in the dark alleyway; alone at last.