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It’s been a week since Kyle had to watch his best friend be buried; two weeks since he had to find his best friend dying, begging Kyle to just let him go as he lost consciousness and never woke up again.
But, Kyle knew he could never let Stan go. Stan meant everything to him. They grew up together, they were best friends. Kyle couldn’t imagine a world without Stan; and yet, that was the world he was living in now.
Kyle and Kenny stop by the Marsh’s house. They’re both grieving, and hoping to maybe find some kind of closure here. They want to visit Stan’s bedroom, maybe look through his things, find something sentimental they could maybe take home with them.
Stan’s father is the one who answers the door when they knock. Stan’s mother has been inconsolable since her son left. Kyle can still remember her heartbroken scream when she arrived at the hospital that day, only to learn her son had died in saddest possible way.
Stan couldn’t handle the loss of Butters. The two of them had become really close since the group projects on the planets, realizing they were a lot similar than they thought. But then Butters committed suicide, and Stan just… couldn’t survive the guilt; couldn’t survive the grief. So… he killed himself too; the same day as Butters’ funeral.
But… at least they were together again now. Kyle needed to keep telling himself that; maybe so the thought of Stan and Butters both being dead wouldn’t hurt so bad, even if only by a little.
Kyle and Kenny quietly scale the stairs to Stan’s room. Kyle almost knocks the shut door instinctively, before remembering there would be no one there to answer, and stopping himself.
Kenny takes the knob and opens the door slowly, sensing Kyle’s hesitation. The room looks like it’s been untouched since Stan died. A little cluttered, bed unmade, closet door left open. The two step inside and shut the door behind them. Kenny flicks on the light switch and the dim room is illuminated.
Even being inside this room made the ache in Kyle’s heart hurt a little more. He felt like he might cry. He really missed Stan. He missed him so bad. He didn’t think he would ever stop missing him. Stan didn’t deserve the ending he had. Kyle had failed Stan that day. He knew he had. He wished he could apologize to Stan at least.
Kyle peers inside Stan’s closet, looking for something specific. He wondered if Stan even still had it. Kyle hadn’t seen him wear it in years. But there! Blue and red fabric just barely poking out, obscured by clothes. Kyle reaches inside and pulls it out. The hat Stan always used to wear through elementary school and middle school, until he outgrew it so much he literally couldn’t wear it anymore. Soft deep blue fabric, with a red brim, and fluffy red pompom on top. Kyle played with the pompom delicately, feeling how soft it still was after all this time.
Kyle began to tear up, pressing the hat to his face. Stan’s scent still lingered on it, even after years gone unused, as if Stan was still here with him. Kyle could almost feel his presence.
Kenny next to him gave Kyle an empathetic look as Kyle pulled the hat from his face, and held it close to his chest, fidgeting with the pompom in his hand subconsciously. Kenny takes a look into Stan’s closet himself. His clothes are mostly baggy sweaters and hoodies. It had been a long time since Kyle had seen Stan wear something short sleeved; the reason for that Kyle now understands… with regrets in his heart. Kyle still couldn’t get the image of the scars on Stan’s arms out of his head.
“Stan really loved his edgy rock bands…” Kenny reminisced as his hand sifted through the large amount of band merchandise in his closet.
“He always loved music…” Kyle nodded, looking to the old guitar gathering dust in the closet, “I always liked hearing him play the guitar…”
“Yeah…” Kenny took in a shaking breath, sniffling, tears in his eyes, “Fuck… I’m sorry. I didn’t think this would be so hard.”
Kyle feels the tears welled up in his eyes start to fall too. He squeezes the hat a little tighter in his hands. He’d never get to hear Stan play again. Stan never liked to record when he played, no videos or audio to speak of. Kyle just remembered sitting next to Stan on his bed and listening. He took those moments for granted. He didn’t think he’d never have a chance to hear it again. Never…
Kyle turned away from the closet, more tears falling from his eyes. He couldn’t hold back anymore. This just hurt, so fucking bad. It was the worst pain Kyle thinks he’s ever felt. He understands now, how Stan must’ve been feeling when he did it. This grief, this regret was drowning him.
Kyle feels Kenny take his hand and lean into his side. He’s still crying too, but trying to stop himself.
“I’m not going to lose you too, right?” Kenny asks him quietly.
“What?..”
“I know that you take a lot of responsibility for things you couldn’t control…” Kenny says, “And… Stan was your best friend. I know this is destroying you. We saw how loss killed Stan. I don’t want it to kill you too. If I lost you I’d… I’d have nobody left. I don’t know what I’d do.”
Kyle would be lying if he said he hadn’t considered giving up. But he knew he couldn’t. He couldn’t do that to the people around him. They’d already lost three friends. Tweek, Butters, Stan… Kyle giving up would only cause more pain, especially for Kenny.
“No… you won’t..” Kyle sniffled, “I promise. I won’t let this pain kill me like it killed them. I can’t. Even if I want to I… I know Stan wouldn’t want that for me. I can’t betray him like that.”
“He cared about you a lot,” Kenny agreed sentimentally, “He cared about a lot of people. The guy was such a softie.” Kenny laughs lightly through tears.
Kyle sniffles, cracking a sentimental smile. He moves to Stan’s desk, opening his drawers. He hoped to maybe find a diary or something. Something that could give him a window to Stan’s mind. He yearned to know more, or at least see Stan’s voice on a page.
He digs through his drawers, still gripping onto the hat in his other hand; and when it seemed like all hope was lost, he found something. Buried deep in a drawer, a folded up piece of paper. Kyle unfolds it curiously. He freezes when he sees the words written in Stan’s familiar handwriting.
‘Dear Kyle,
I’ve been a horrible friend to you. I’ve pushed you away. I want you to know I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I could never talk to you. I’m so sorry for being so shitty to you. I’m so sorry for everything.
You deserve better than me. Much better. I’m tired of being such a burden on you. I know you will be better off when you don’t have to deal with me anymore.
I know you’re going to want an explanation for this. For why I’ve decided to end things this way. There’s a lot of reasons. I promise none of it is your fault. I know you never wanted this from me. But it’s the only way I see out of this anymore.
Life is fucking hell. I sound so edgy and dramatic and stupid saying that, but it’s true. I feel awful, every day. I’m hurting, I’m in pain, and I have no control. I just want it to end. I don’t want to feel anymore.
Please move on. Please forget you ever met me. I just want to disappear. I don’t want you to think about me or think you could’ve done something different to save me, because you couldn’t.
I’m so sorry for being such a shitty friend to you. I hope you can forgive me.
Love, Stan.’
Kyle completely breaks. He falls to his knees, feeling so defeated. He sobs, hugging Stan’s soft hat close to his chest. Why couldn’t I save him? Why was this world so fucking cruel? Stan should still be here. He should be alive but he’s not. He’s gone. He’s never coming back. He was in so much pain he never deserved to be in and it killed him. He’ll never get a chance to heal. He’ll never get a chance to live.
I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Stan. I should’ve saved you. If only you’d lived. You should have lived. You deserved to live.