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Tears. Tears and relief. It’s like I had this tornado inside of my body and it was pulling me from the ground, my body and my mind spinning and spinning until I lost sight of what was up and down and what was me and outside of me and it was only with her where I found myself. Cathartic tears stream down my cheeks but there’s no sadness behind them - simply joy and release. I love you. My first time saying it. My first time feeling it. I don’t think I’ve loved anyone as much as I love Coley. She’s like sunlight streaming into my veins giving me a lust for life that I’ve never felt before.
Coley’s silhouette left my view and I turned to walk back to the house. I brush my hands on my cover-up skirt to wipe off the sweat and dirt and tears as SJ comes out the door.
“Sonya! Oh my god! Are you okay?” She runs over and puts her arms around me. “What the fuck happened? Did you catch Coley?” She speaks in my ear all rushed and holds me tight, like she doesn’t want me to fly away. Like she’s trying to protect me from all the bullshit that happened earlier today - that’s been happening for months.
I let go of her hug to look at her and laugh, and her shoulders visibly drop.
“I’ve never been better. And I did catch up to her,” I say with a sigh. Butterflies squirm in my stomach as I try to suppress a smile. “She’s okay too. She’s heading home and I don’t think anything’s damaged too bad. Hopefully she’ll be healed in a week or two.”
“Oh thank God,” said SJ as we both start to walk back up to the door. “She left so quickly after the fight with Trenton. I didn’t even see her leave until you ran past me saying you needed to get to her before she disappeared. And Trenton is never allowed at my house again. He shouldn’t be allowed at yours either,” she said pointedly.
“I know,” I say as we walk through the front door. SJ shuts it.
“I honestly haven’t wanted to spend any time with him for a long while. But I haven’t been too honest with myself about a lot of things lately. I’m trying to change that.” I walk over and sink into the couch. “Everyone left after the commotion?”
“Yeah,” SJ replied. “I kicked them all out. Didn’t think it was conducive for a proper party atmosphere after my best friend got literally hit by someone. And I wanted to make sure you had as comfortable and of a space to exist after that. But hun,” she said, sitting down next to me.
“Are you and Coley good? I mean, I assume you’re at least okay because you said you’ve never been better after a literal fight just broke out, so at least something must’ve gotten fixed. But I just…” She trails off and starts to fidget with her necklace. Her nervous tick when she wants to be careful with her words. She takes a breath.
“Coley really went to bat for you today. I mean, she punched Trenton. Trenton, Sonya. In front of everyone. She didn’t care. I think she was trying to protect you. And…” She stops playing with her necklace and instead starts to fidget with her hair.
“I really like her. And I think you’re such a happy version of yourself when you’re with her. And she clearly really loves you, even though you said you fucked it up with her. I just - I don’t want to overstep. And I wouldn’t have even said anything if I didn’t think things were on at least fine terms with you two. But Sonya,” she says, moving both of hands from her hair to grab onto one of mine.
“I really hope things work out between you and her. And I’m happy to do what I can, like, whenever. Like how I invited her here. I mean, it worked,” she said as she let out a breathy laugh. “Even if there was so much fucked up shit that happened here too. But I just, I don’t know. Sometimes you need that extra little push to do things for yourself, you know?” She licks her lips.
“And obviously if it doesn’t work out, I’m here for you either way. But I just want the best for you. And I think she does too. She just seems like a good person to have in your life.” She lets go of my hands and looks away, seeming to think about what she said. Make sure it’s what she wanted to say.
“Babe, that is like… there is so much for me to respond to with that,” I say with a breath. She smiles. I wonder if she suspects anything. Does she know? Is that why she’s saying all of this? Did she see us? I mean, she was working on kicking everyone out and I was kind of far down the road so I don’t think so?
“Did you…” I feel my throat close up. My breath quickens as I look anywhere but her eyes. I can do this. I want to. I feel the tornado starting to come back. But I can push through it. I think of Coley and my breath slowly starts to deepen.
“Why are you telling me this?” I hope she didn’t see. Not because I want to keep it a secret from her. But because I want to tell her on my own terms. That moment was for me and Coley. I was so caught up in getting to her that I didn’t think about the repercussions of my best friend seeing me make out with Coley in the middle of the street.
She scooches closer to me and I can smell her. A lavender essential oil she puts on every morning. “Because I love you. She does too. I just want you to know I can and do support you, no matter what. Both verbally and with my actions. This seemed to mess with you so I really just want to help,” she finishes softly.
I take a deep breath. I can do this. The knot in my throat gets stronger and stronger, but I can do this. I can. I can do hard things. For people I love, and especially for myself. I’m taking care of future me. God knows I haven’t always done that. I’m starting now. My hands shake. My voice does too, but I need SJ to know. Even if I tell her with my voice shaking.
“I love her too. She’s so important to me.”
SJ looks at me all soft. “I know you do, love.”
“SJ…” My voice cracks, and God I feel so pathetic. Why is this so hard for me? Coley had no problem with it. All the more reason I don’t deserve her. She’s gone through more than I can ever fathom and yet she has no problem being herself all the time. Despite all of her hardship. It’s one of the things I admire most about her.
SJ grabs my hands again, both of them this time, and interlocks our fingers. Her eyes are searching mine.
“What’s wrong?” she asks.
“No - nothing’s wrong,” I say hurriedly, still looking away from her. I try to take a deep breath, even though it ends up being pretty shallow compared to the average. My hands are squeezing hers so hard that my fingers are losing their circulation.
“I just…” The throat knot feels like it’s blocking every word I try to say, almost constricting my breathing. I think of Coley. I lower my shoulders from my ears.
“SJ, I love her.” My throat is on fire.
“But I’m also… in love with her.”
I squeeze my eyes shut as I let the tornado take over my whole body. The knot in my throat feels like it explodes into my body and my whole body starts to tremble. I let go of her hands and put my hands over my face.
“Oh Sonya, my love,” SJ says as she moves over to where I’m sitting and wraps me in her arms. She squeezes me tight, her lavender scent engulfing my senses like a second blanket of comfort. I open my eyes as tears start pouring out, still not looking at her.
“You know I love you no matter what, right? You can always tell me anything. Thank you for sharing this.” She hugs me and starts to stroke my hair as I cry in her arms. She rocks me back and forth like she’s soothing a baby. I am so lucky to have her as a best friend. I sit up to finally look at her, and take one of her hands with both of mine again. Her other hand wipes the tears off of my cheeks. The debilitating tornado of emotion feels like it washes through me and a new wave of stability comes in. I feel like I have a second anchor in this storm which makes me want to start to sob all over again.
“This. Makes. So. Much. Sense. Sonya! Oh my God. Does anyone else know?”
“You’re the first,” I say shyly. I can slowly but surely feel the weight leaving my shoulders real time. Who ever thought telling someone what you’re trying to hide could feel so good? I have so many feelings going on right now but I’ve never felt so free. My feelings are like a bunch of ingredients put together in a soup that sound nasty together, but then the soup tastes delicious. I’m still crying as I start to giggle.
“Holy shit. So this is, like, your official first coming out?” A sweet grin is slowly making its way over her face as I nod and switch from looking at her to just about anything else.
“My love. How do you feel?” she whispers, coming over to me to give me another hug.
I sigh. “It’s like, so overwhelming that I almost don’t feel in my own body. But I also feel like I've never been closer to myself before. Does that make sense?” The words tumble out of me as if an internal dam broke. The tears are slowing down but haven’t fully stopped yet, and the knot in my throat is basically gone. Huh.
“That makes total sense,” SJ replies, as she lets go of her hug and faces me. She puts her hands on my shoulders, and starts rubbing my arms up and down.
“I… We don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to.” She speaks nervously and starts to fidget with her necklace again.
“But… Does Coley, like…” She pauses.
“Have you talked to her about your feelings?” She looks at me and I worry her necklace will break with how much she’s playing with the chain.
I look down and start fidgeting too as I nod.
“I told her I love her,” I whisper, that stupid throat knot coming back hot. I can’t look at SJ. It’s too much. But I can feel her eyes searching me.
“And?”
“And…” I breathe.
A pause. I finally look at SJ and see her with a shit eating grin she’s unsuccessfully trying to suppress from taking over literally her whole body. She’s getting giddy and jumping on her seat.
“She said it back?” SJ is practically buzzing.
I nod and she shrieks. She rolls around on the couch and moves to roll around and freak out on the floor, and oh my God, that can’t be good for her back.
“And you literally just made up. And that’s why you have, quote, ‘never been better.’” She says it like a statement as she sits up, even though it’s also kind of a question. “And she loves you back. I mean, have you said it. To each other.”
I giggle as I wipe my tears away. “Yes and yes. I don’t…” I’m burying my face in my hands, like this is too much, because it sort of is. My first verbal coming out and I’m like, getting all into everything! It’s a little too close to a feelings circle for me, but I guess this is what comes with actually listening to your feelings. Ugh. It will take some getting used to.
SJ sits up and looks at me expectantly.
“I mean, I think we’re girlfriends? I told her I wanted to be with her so like, there isn’t a different way to interpret that I don’t think?” I run my hand through my hair and I wipe my nose.
“I’ll talk to her about it. The official label, I mean. But it’s really not something I’m worried about. As long as we’re together she can call me whatever she wants.” SJ’s eyes get all soft as I have to look away.
“I’m so happy for you, hun. And I’m so happy you told me. I had no idea. But now that you told me, it all adds up,” she says sweetly. Her initial wild wind of excitement has settled into a soft breeze.
“And I obviously won’t tell anyone. Let me know how I can best support you and what you need and stuff.” She gets up off the floor and comes back to the couch.
“Thanks, babe. You did exactly what I needed. I honestly want to just go home and decompress. Today was so much and I just need to lie down,” I murmured.
“Of course. I’ll handle this.” She gestures to the rest of the room. “Alex is literally still somewhere outside helping clean everything up. I’ll tell him you left but that you’re doing well.”
I stand up and we walk to the door. I give her one more hug.
“You are the best, babe. I’m so lucky I have you as my best friend,” I whisper in her ear.
“You too. Go home and rest. And you can go talk to your Coley-girl,” she says, laughing as she lets go of the hug.
“Yeah yeah yeah.” I feel my cheeks get hot as I smile and leave the house. I still hear her laughing as she shuts the door.