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Jax didn’t know what to do with himself at the moment, if he was to be honest.
He’d.. somehow managed to reverse an abstraction. On himself. One moment he was in his own mental sanctuary, looking at a new hot red door with a smudged word he couldn’t really make out (words never seemed to form right in there, he found), and the next, he’s opening his two eyes in a massive pile of pillows. His body was sluggish then, and it felt sluggish now, but less so.
Jax managed to avoid everyone for a whole day before Gangle found him, she’d been going on a walk to get her creative juices going, but ran into a very alive, very not-abstracted Jax instead, her horrified scream was enough to get everyone else running, and then it became a whole thing where everyone was fretting over him. Jax wanted literally nothing more than to crawl back to that fort he woke up in, and go back to his quiet sanctuary when he saw how everyone started walking on metaphorical eggshells around him (Not any other kind of eggshells. Not any other kind at all). They treated him like he would shatter if you even looked at him wrong, it was utterly mortifying.
After 2 very long weeks, they finally let him go to his room alone, and not on suicide watch. Albeit, Pomni still checked in every once in a while, she still had a key to his room, after all, but that was just her being kind. He knew they had a different bond now, and he couldn’t exactly run from that.
Jax sat up on his bed, picking at the seam where a dark splotch sat, remnants from the abstraction, everyone guessed. Caine couldn’t fix it, so he just had to deal with an eye or two (or 27) that he couldn’t really control looking around on his body.
His body.
He shook his head. The night light Kinger gave him felt weirdly taunting to his restlessness now. He grumbled, pushing himself up and out of bed. A walk might be good, he thought.
Jax went over to desk to grab his sunglasses, the circus was seriously bright for him now, which isn’t to say it wasn’t bright before, but now it was like staring into the sun if he didn’t wear these. Jax caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he was more twitchy now, especially his ears, and his body ached where dark blotches laid, but there wasn’t much he could do.
Pushing the glasses on his face, he left his room, choosing to go see if anyone was bumming around the circus this late at night. The overhead lights were set to “NIGHTTIME SLEEPY MODE!”, as Caine lovingly called it, but it still was too bright for him.
Jax walked into the general hangout area, finding the open light to Zoobles bar lit up.
“That’ll work, I guess,” Jax thought.
Zooble noticed him long before he reached the bar, but they turned their back to him as to not awkwardly stare at him as he approached.
“Hey,” Jax said, plopping himself onto a barstool, laying his head on its side on the counter. He was too tired to act like he wasn’t.
“Hey,” Zooble replied, “Rough night?”
“Can’t sleep,” he shrugged loosely.
“I feel that, same here,”
“Mm..” Jax hummed, tracing a wood grain texture with a finger. the two let the silence wash over them, Zooble trying to conjure up strangely impossible glasses to pour drinks in, and Jax just watching them.
“Tell me about your bar,” he piped up.
“..You’re at it?“
“The one your other.. you, has,”
“Oh,” they blinked, setting a glass on the counter before making their way around the bar, sitting next to Jax.
“Well, Riley’s bar is a nice spot, it seems. Good enough for Leeroy to hang out there,” Zooble joked half heartedly, poking Jax’s arm with their elbow joint. That got a chuckle from him, thankfully.
“I wonder why he hangs there.” Jax said.
“Well, you’re at mine, aren’t you?” Zooble asked, leaning forward on the counter.
“..I guess so.”
They sat in silence for a moment.
“Y’know, I think it was actually a queer bar, too,” Zooble thinking out loud.
“Huh?”
“Well, it is called the triangle, and,” Zooble gestured to themselves, “I run it, so..”
“What do triangles have to do with anything.”
Zooble tilted their head, “You don’t know why?”
“..No??”
“The Nazis labeled gay men with pink triangles. Kinda a whole.. thing.”
“Oh,” Jax said, looking embarrassed. Zooble watched Jax’s face shift beneath his sunglasses as he thought about something, avoiding their eye contact.
“It’s whatever, I wouldn’t expect a guy like you to know queer history like that, it’s not like we can google stuff in here,”
“Yeah. Right.” Jax mumbled, moving his head from laying on its side to resting on his chin, flat against the counter.
Zooble looked away from him, tapping a clawed hand on the counter, “Anyway, from the pictures we saw, I’m glad it’s a popular spot, looks like somewhere people can be themselves, y’know? Would’ve killed for a spot like that,”
“Probably why you opened it in the first place, got sick of hanging around a bunch of losers, or something,” Jax replied, giving the best smug grin he could muster. Zooble chuckled, standing up and going back behind the bar, “You want anything?”
Jax didn’t reply. Zooble grabbed a bottle from behind them, “I’ll just whip something up you might like, weird to be at a bar with nothing to drink,”
Jax watched them masterfully mix together a drink, thankful there seemed to be bourbon (or whatever the digital equivalent of bourbon was) in it. It looked like a whiskey sour from the preparation, going as far as pouring it in the glass, but Zooble picked up a spoon and poured red wine down it and into the glass, making a half red, half yellow drink.
Zooble slid it over to him, “New York Sour, shouldn’t be too strange for you, yeah? I remember you liked the usual kind,” they asked. Jax shrugged, sitting up slowly before taking a sip, wasn’t too terrible.
“Are you trying to get me drunk or something?”
“No, I just think it’s a bit fun to make a drink with four arms, honestly,” they chuckled, showing off as they grabbed a bottle of malibu rum from behind them without looking, three of their four hands already occupied. They seemed to be making something for themself now.
“So what’s on your mind? You don’t usually come hang out with me,” Zooble asked, grabbing some pineapple juice from a fridge below the counter.
“You tryna bartend me, Zoobie? You’re just the first person I saw, that’s all,”
“Right, but, like.. You get what I mean, I would’ve thought you’d seek out Pomni, or something,”
“She’s probably sleeping but.. I dunno actually. I wasn’t really thinking about it,” Jax said, ear twitching unconsciously. He doesn’t know why he’s talking so much. Maybe it’s the drink. Zooble completed their drink, putting it into a glass with ice, and then chose to jump over the counter to sit back in the stool they were previously in rather than walking around again.
Zooble quietly notes how Jax clearly doesn't seem to be in the mood to opening up, but something was bothering him.
“You doing okay, man?”
Jax raised a brow, “Peachy! Still getting used to walking around on two legs and seeing with two eyes again cuz, y'know, I was an abstracted beast a few weeks ago, hah!” he laughed, trying anything to change the topic.
“If something’s bothering you—“
“Relax, Zoobie, I’m not gonna abstract again,”
Zooble looked at their glass, “If you don’t wanna talk about it, that’s fine, but, uh.. I’m here for you. Even if we didn’t get along the best before everything..” They paused awkwardly, “But anything you wanna tell me, I’ll keep quiet about it. Promise.” they nodded, looking at Jax with a gentle expression.
Jax looked down at the counter for a moment, his foot tapping anxiously against the floor. He shouldn’t.
“If you tell anyone about this conversation, I’m taking you apart and hiding your parts box,” Jax said, turning and pointing a finger towards Zooble’s face. They nodded quickly.
Jax turned back, putting his hand on the glass, running in his thumb on the textured sections of the cup, “So, like, how did you know you were.. non-binary, or whatever,” he mumbled.
Zooble raised a brow, but paused, choosing their next words carefully. They sighed, “Well, honestly, I just never felt a connection between my gender and my body, it was just something I was called. I didn’t know there was another option,” they paused, sipping from their glass, “But later on, when puberty started I got.. a lot of comments about my body, and how I was ‘a woman now’, and I couldn’t figure out why they made me feel uncomfortable,“ they paused again, glancing over at Jax, who seemed to earnestly be listening.
They continued, “Later on, when I found out about the trans community it.. made a few puzzle pieces click together, I guess, but it took me a while to really figure out I was non-binary,” they said, recalling the countless hours spent researching online in incognito tabs, “Took me a long time to admit it to myself, too,” they confessed.
“..really?” Jax asked flatly, still staring at the counter.
“Yeah, I figured it didn’t really matter, so I pushed it to the back of my mind, but.. it did, it really did matter,” they said. Zooble recalled a memory just then, “Actually, I remember a time back when I was like.. 13? When some other random kid called me he, when I was sitting with my back was turned, but that day.. was the only day in, like, forever, I was wearing a skirt, and I felt so happy,” they laughed, “It’s wild I didn’t know something was up back then,”
Jax chuckled at the story. Zooble blinked, taking another swig of their drink, “Sorry, Jax, I started rambling about myself,”
“No, no, I’m the one that asked, you’re good,” he laughed. He seemed to have mellowed out a bit.
Zooble let a few moments pass before taking a very risky chance, “Do you.. think you’re non-binary..?”
“No! No no, it’s not that..” he paused, glancing at Zooble and seeing a suspicious expression, he looked away, “it’s.. kinda that,”
Jax cringed. This was so embarrassing. He looked at Zooble, and they just nodded, waiting for him to continue.
Jax groaned, resting his face on his hand, “Ugh, I don’t know I—I just.. I think..” he paused, “I’m just gonna say it. FUCK. Fucking hell,” Jax exclaimed, trying his best to hype himself up. His knee bounced rapidly, feeling his heart racing in his ears. He took in a deep, shaky breath.
“IthinkI’mawoman,” Jax hastily admitted, slapping both hands over his(?) face to avoid being perceived. Jax groaned, the dark splotches glitching rapidly.
Before Jax could start freaking out too bad, Zooble placed a hand on Jax’s shoulder, “That’s okay,” they assured.
Jax complained loudly, “This is so fucking embarrassing, how on earth do you do this bullshit?!”
“..It was always a little embarrassing for me too, at the start,” Zooble said gently, “But for what it’s worth, I think you’d be a very lovely woman,” they said, smiling at Jax to the best of their mouthless ability.
Jax looked at them, pupils wide, but still nervous, “..You’re serious? Not fucking with me?”
“Why would I be fucking with you?”
“I don’t know..!” Jax exclaimed, then groaning, “This is so complicated, I don’t—I don’t even know where to start it’s—“
Zooble put a hand on Jax’s shoulder “I know, but after a while, you get comfortable with it, it gets easier,” Zooble said, “It’s difficult, it always is, and I don’t know what you’ve gone through, but I’ve got to imagine it’s really hard for you,”
Jax’s leg still bounced against the barstool footrest, mind practically exploding with anxiety. They knew. They knew and he couldn’t take it back now. They could—
“…You, uh, wanna hear how it might sound? If you were a woman?” Zooble asked.
Jax looked at them wordlessly, blinked, and nodded warily.
Zooble spun in their stool, leaning back against the bar, “..So, imagine I’m talking to someone else about you, it would sound like..” they paused, “‘Jax? Oh, I saw she was in her room earlier, she told me something about.. looking for someone’s key, so she could.. go mess with their stuff, or something,'” Zooble paused again, looking at Jax’s expression. The expression was a bit unclear due to the sunglasses, but Zooble swore they saw a glimmer in those eyes.
They decided to continue, “Or, if we saw you walking up to us we’d be like.. ‘Oh, there she is! We were just talking about you’, or whatever.. How’s that sound?”
Jax spun around too, looking at the floor, blinking slowly, “That sounds..” a pause hung in the air for what felt like forever, “..Fine, I guess,” she confirmed, trying her very best to be casual about it.
She wouldn’t admit that her body felt lighter than air, like a star found its way into her chest and was glowing, and that for the first time since she came back, she didn’t feel the dull aching pain the remnants of her abstraction left behind on her body.
The clacking of Zooble’s body reminded her that she wasn’t alone, making anxiety shoot through her chest like a bullet. Jax became very, very still, looking at Zooble out of the corner of her eye like a frightened animal. She needed to get out of there, every bit in her body screamed at her to go, but she was frozen in her seat, clutching her knees like her life depended on it. The abstraction remnants on her body bugged, the multicolored eyes looking around frantically. Her breathing quickened, and despite trying her best to not make it obvious, Zooble reached out and held her arm.
“Jax? Hey, was it too much? I.. Try to slow your breaths down,” Zooble worried, conjuring a glass of water with another hand, offering it to her.
Jax took one look at the glass like it personally insulted her and knocked it to the ground, “Don’t patronize me,” she huffed, standing abruptly.
“You know I wasn’t,”
“Yeah, right,”
“Jax.” Zooble warned, “Didn’t you say you were gonna try and be better? This isn’t better,“ they continued. Jax looked to the side, sucking her teeth and sighing. She refused to look Zooble in the eye.
“I’m not going to tell anyone, I can’t take that step for you, that’s something you have to do,” Zooble told her. They took a few steps towards Jax, pointing a finger into her chest, “For yourself.”
Jax looked up to the ceiling, trying to avoid the sting of building tears in her eyes, sniffing once. She breathed shakily, “This is so stupid,”
“It’s not stupid, it’s important to you, I know it is,”
Jax finally looked at Zooble, “You don’t know anything—!“
“I was you at one point! So I know you being a woman is as important to you as being non-binary is to me,” they said, “It’s not stupid, and you can’t run from it forever, because it will haunt you if you run,” they finished, giving Jax a sympathic look. Jax thought for a moment, the silence of the circus felt loud in her ears.
“…It.. Scares me,”
“That’s okay,” Zooble said, placing a firm hand on Jax’s shoulder, “You can be scared, but you don’t have to be scared alone.”
Jax still said nothing, Zooble sighed, “Look, we’re both tired, so get some sleep, okay? We can talk about it tomorrow, if you want,” they invited.
Jax nodded, looking away, “..Whatever,” she said. She stepped back from Zooble, turning and walking away. Jax raised a hand without turning around as a goodnight of sorts. Zooble waved back, and then turned around as well, going over to the lit open sign by their bar, and clicking it off.
They looked at where Jax was. Maybe she would talk more about it tomorrow, maybe she wouldn’t, but the fact she even told Zooble at all was good enough for them.