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He was four when he got ill. Well, she was four, but at the time no one knew, not even himself, that inside the body of a young and bright girl there was a boy. His parents named her Kou, meaning happiness, light, peace. They wanted the best for their first child, born a little over a month earlier.
He didn’t remember the illness, he was too young, but his mother often told him it was scary and she was worried he would die. Meningitis was life threatening and not many children survived.
He didn’t die, obviously, but when he woke up he couldn’t hear. It was strange, he was used to hearing sounds and noises and now there was only silence.
His mother cried, that he remember, but he was not sad, just confused. He couldn’t hear what his mother was saying, he couldn’t hear his own voice, only the vibration through his chest and throat. He knew tears were not a good thing and his mother was crying so hard that he started to cry too. Only months later he truly understood what his sudden hearing loss meant.
...
The next year was full of changes, his mother took him to special lesson and the kind lady taught him and his mother strange hand gesture that put all together formed sentences. He also started learning lip reading, but it was difficult for him because he couldn’t stand still enough to let the other person finish the sentence. He preferred sign language and was frustrated when other people didn’t respond in the same way. For him the entire world was silent, so spoken word where useless.
He was so at ease with his own deafness that he couldn’t understand that other people could hear thing. His mother was worried, she didn’t know if he would be capable of interacting with other children, so she let him stay at home from kindergarten.
He was a social butterfly, he befriended every person he met, from the kind nurses at the hospital during his check-ups to the receptionist at the local clinic. He was so energetic and bright that everyone found him lovable and didn’t care if his speech was so strange. It was really hard to modulate his voice if he couldn’t hear it.
It was in the summer of his fifth year that his mother bought him hearing aids. The first time he put them on he started screaming and crying because he was not used to the sound. It was so strange hearing background noises, the breathing of the people in the room and the voices sounded so strange, different from what he remembered them to be. He begged his mother to take them away and she did it… For the next week.
Her mother was convinced it was the best thing for him. Hearing could make him like other children and he could go back to school. She was in good faith, she couldn’t understand what was like to be deaf. She could only compare with her ability, with her way of living and being deaf was something that had to be cured, not left alone.
She tried to put them on him billions times, but he always rejected them. He was content in his silent and peaceful world and noises were a distraction, not something helpful.
...
It was when he started grade one that he noticed how different he was. His mother decided that it would be helpful to meet children his age and maybe they could help her daughter to cope with her deficit.
But school was horrible for him and it didn’t help at all. The kids wouldn’t play with him because he couldn’t hear them and used strange gesture instead of words. He could not hear the mean words that his classmate yelled at him, but he could feel the things thrown at him and the pushing that made him fell on the ground.
He begged his mother to stay at home, he told her he couldn’t go back to school, but no matter how much he cried, his mother always took him back.
It was at that time that he tried again his hearing aids. He thought that if he could hear his classmate than everything will turn okay. It was only his hearing problem the thing to change, wasn’t it?
But things didn’t change. He could hear the insults and that made thing even worse. But he didn’t know the meaning of giving up. He tried again and again, rejection after rejection. He wanted friends, he wanted to play with someone, he wanted to communicate and share his hobbies. None of his classmate wanted to befriend the creep.
But his classmate were not the only problem. Even some teacher refused to understand him if he used sign language, forcing him to articulate words. His voice was funky, and strange, and he didn’t like it, especially because his classmate laughed at him. He wanted to be good at studying, he loved sharing knowledge with everyone if that meant he could get some friends. But being forced to use a language that made him uncomfortable and his classmate’s constant laughing made him stop care. It was frustrating anyway, he couldn’t stay still and he was always distracted.
The only thing he liked about classes was the gym class. There he could play with his classmate and the teacher was kind to him and pushed him to do everything. It was in that moment that he discovered volleyball. He loved the feeling of the ball in his hand, the feeling of working in team and not alone. He liked to run and jump and it didn’t matter if he couldn’t hear, that was not necessary.
The problems started when he was in third grade and he had to choose a club to join. Volleyball was divided in female and male and he couldn’t understand how he should choose in which one to go. How could his classmate be so sure? They didn’t hesitate, they joined one or the other. When he asked the teacher how he could choose she looked at him with confusion, and simply replayed that he obviously had to join the girl team because she was a girl.
He didn’t understand and when he got home he told his mother what happened. Her face was so shocked. She had tears in her eyes. He was scared, he didn’t understand what was happening, but his mother hugged him and with shaky hand asked:
“Are you a boy?”
“What is the difference between girls and boys?” he signed back, observing his mother in confusion.
“You have the body of a girl, Kou. Do you feel like one?”
He shrugged, trying to understand why it was such a big deal. It was not a problem until that afternoon if he was a girl or a boy, so why know he had to know?
“I’m not sure. I don’t really care, I want to play in the strongest team!”
Volleyball was the only thing that mattered. He needed to chose a team or he could not play. He wanted to play the strongest team there was out there, he wanted to do the only thing that made him make some friends.
His mother was forcing herself not to cry. He could see it in the sharp line of her mouth and the rapid blinking. He couldn’t understand why, but he didn’t want his mother to cry.
“Mommy, I can be a girl if you want” he signed immediately. It was not the right thing to say because his mother burst in to tears.
“I love you Kou, I love you” that was what his mother repeated constantly, but he couldn’t hear her, so he just stayed still, wondering what he did wrong.
…
He didn’t join a team. He decided to join to the go-home-club and going to speaking lessons like his mother recommended him to do. He wanted to have friends and if speaking was the only things he could do to achieve that dream he would do it. It was not easy. He hated the sound of his own voice and he had trouble modulating the intensity. He was shouting most of the time and it was frustrating being constantly scolded for it. But he was not someone to be put down buy stupid thing so he continued to be the bright child he always was.
He started having more talk with his mother and she constantly said things like “that is a boy thing” or “normally girls do that” to help him understand what being a boy or a girl meant. He was confused by most of the thing his mother explained, but he started to grasp the concept. Society was very strict in his view of feminine and masculine thing and he liked both, so it was really confusing.
He liked running and climbing trees, but he also liked picking cloth and toys for his little sister. His mother discovered she was pregnant when he was nine and he was so exited to be a big brother that he spent every single day doing some drawings for his sister to be.
But he didn’t understood the difference between boys and girls until his chest started to grow and he had his firs period. It was very traumatic, he didn’t understand why he was bleeding. It felt strange, impossible and absolutely revolting. His chest was also a big problem. He didn’t felt comfortable having something on his chest. He tried to hide them with bigger cloth and putting on many layers, but the feeling of wrongness never got away. He cried, asking his mother why he couldn’t have the flat chest of other boys in his class. She just hugged him and the next day brought a sport bra that covered most of his raising breast.
It was one night, when he was awake and couldn’t fall asleep, that he thirst thought: “This is not my body, I’m not this, I’m a boy”.
It was strange realizing something like that. He never thought gender was important, they were all people, but now he truly understood the difference in simple biology. When they were younger the body of boys and girls where similar. It was growing up that the differences started to show and he felt like he was showing the wrong changes. He had to grow muscle, he had to be big and strong like his father and his doctor, he had to have slim and square body part, not soft and curvy. He hated his body, he hated what he was becoming.
…
He never said anything. He didn’t want to make his mother cry again and he didn’t know if she could do anything about the situation he was in, so staying silent was the better option.
He could forget about it when he didn’t have his menstrual cycle or when he was wearing baggy cloth, but when he was forced to change in public or he had his period it was very difficult to accept himself. But he stayed strong, not only for his mother, who was nursing is sister, but also for his father, who was away for work most of the year and when he got home wanted to stay with his family without drama. Well, his father never said it, but he knew that braking down because he had his period was not something enjoyable.
He even forget that it was something that he haven’t said to his mother until it came out without meaning to.
It was a normal day, he was returning from school with his bike. It was just a second, his eyes cached a volleyball, someone jumping and… he was in love. The player was small, compared to his team mates, but the way he jumped made him look like two meters tall. The Small Giant was flying, he could even see the big black feather on his back, two majestic wings that moved with every step he made.
He was trilled, he felt his body trembling for the excitement and when he got home the first thing he yelled, yes, it was an occasion for yelling, not for signing:
“I’ll go to Karasuno, I’ll be the next Small Giant”
His mother looked at him, blinking slowly, as she was trying to understand what he was saying.
“In which team?”
“The boy team obviously! I want to be the next Small Giant!”
He didn’t understood the implication of what he was saying, but his mother stayed silent, like she was thinking hard about something.
“Kou.. Are you a boy?” she signed, but in her eyes there was resolution, not fear. She didn’t seem angry either, so he was not scared of her reaction, only worried. What if she forced him to be a girl?
“I… I think so?” he quickly signed, scratching his head afterword. He tired to stay calm, to keep it cool, but he was shouting inside.
His mother looked at him, trying to find the right word to say. He waited, he was used to this long pauses, his mother was fluent in sign language but sometimes she forgot some word.
“What do you want to be called?”
That was not expected. His name was the last of his problem and dreaming about other name, male name, it was impracticable and would end up with a broken heart.
“I never thought about it. But Kou is so...”
“Feminine?”
He quickly nodded and his mother smiled at him. She didn’t seem upset and he was sure that there was pride in her eyes.
“Can I choose your name?”
It took one second for him to land in her arm, crying and smiling at the same time. It was his biggest dream come true… Well, his second dream, the first was becoming the next Small Giant. He couldn’t hope for a better reaction. Not only his mother accepted him, but wanted to name him. She was showing her love and he couldn’t be happier.
…
Shouyou was born that day. He had a purpose and a new name and he could start his new life… In theory. His mother said that was to late to make accommodation in his current school and that he had to wait another year. She would try to register him in junior high school as a boy, but she clarified that he shouldn't get his hopes up. She was not sure she could do it.
He didn’t care. Shouyou was too happy to bother thinking of when and maybe, all that mattered to him was his family support.
His mother told him that she and his father suspected that he was a boy since he was eight. So it wasn’t a surprise when his father called him, congratulating for his new name. It was a fantastic moment hearing his father calling him son and not daughter.
One year was nothing, it would be easy… But it was not. Not for his gender, but for his health. After years of nothing happening he had an epileptic seizure. He had them after his recovery when he was four. Meningitis caused some brain damage like his deafness and epilepsy.
They tried many different medication to control his attacks. They found the right one, years ago, and he never had other seizure. Until that moment.
It was really scary. He was in gym class and a ball hit his head. He fell down and started convulsing, causing a major shock in his classmates. He was immediately brought to the hospital and his mother called.
He didn’t regain consciousness until midnight that day. His mother was at his side, making a phone call, probably to his father. Shouyou tried to stay still, to not disturb her, but she felt him awake and quickly hung up.
“How are you feeling?” she signed, looking relieved. He frowned, trying to study his body to answer her honestly.
“My head hurt, and my hip”
She nodded and called someone, probably a doctor, but it was a nurse who came in first. She smiled at him and said something but he was too tired to read her lips. His mother translated and he nodded calmly, waiting for the doctor like instructed.
The doctor was a young men in his forty, with a warm smile and hearing aids on his hears. When he talked he also signed and for that Shouyou was grateful.
“He needs to stay for a couple more days. We need to try knew medicine and study the reaction. He is growing so there will be a period of adjustment and there will probably be more seizure attack, you need to be prepared”
Shouyou sighed. It was really a grate way to finish grade six.
…
He got home a week after. He had several other seizure but the doctors were positive that the new medicine was the right one for him. They told him that unfortunately they could still happen, but milder and fewer than before.
He returned in time to go to school for the last week before the new years began. He was exited and scared. His mother told him they registered him like a girl, but in class the teacher would call him with his name. It wouldn’t be easy because he had to explain thing to his classmate, but the headmaster reassured him that the school had zero bully tolerance and that if anything happened he could go to his teacher and the problem would be solved.
The only problem was with bathroom and gym class. The headmaster gave him a pass to the teacher bathroom but he had to talk with his classmate for the gym changing room. They would tell him if it was okay to change with them.
It was not exactly ideal, it was a forced outing and Shouyou would have preferred to not say anything, but it was easier than hiding everything and be scared of them finding out in the hard way.
It was an experiment, his mother said, to see if this solution could work. She also promised him she would fight to register him as a male, but for now it was a good compromise.
In his primary school they had identical uniform for boys and girls. It was exiting to try his male uniform, putting on pants instead of a floaty skirt. It was right.
He couldn’t wait to start his seventh grade.
…
It was not as easy as he expected. Yukigaoka Chūgaku surely had no intention to let bulling happen, but that didn’t mean they could stop the teasing and the mistrust.
The first day of class they had to introduce themselves. Shouyou was sweating. He had to explain how his deafness worked and waiting for the teacher to introduce the problem for gym class. It was scary and he forgot how many times he rushed to the bathroom that morning.
He was waiting for his turn, tapping his foot on the floor and fidgeting. When the teacher called his name he rushed up with a loud “hai” that made his classmate jiggle.
“My name is Hinata Shouyou and I’m deaf. I can hear in class because I put my hearing aids on. When it is too loud I have to shout them off and if you want to get my attention tap my shoulder, I can lip read. I really love volleyball and I want to become the next Small Giant”
His word were loud and clear, like he was never afraid in fist place. He was very nervous and hoped no one could see the sweating and the trembling. His classmates were silent, he couldn’t turn to watch their reaction, but he knew they were staring at him.
“Also Hinata is a male, but he was born with female body part” his teacher continued, with zero tact. Shouyou was sure he would collapse. It was really frightening. “So I want to ask the other male if they have any problem to change with him during gym classes”.
The room was silent. Shouyou was sure that somebody would lough and call him something horrible like in his previous school. Things never changed, people never changed.
“What is the problem? He is a boy, right?” one of his classmate pointed out and the next thing he knew was that everybody agreed and it was decided he would stay with them.
Shouyou turned, looking for the guy who had spoken, and he was happy to see a smiling face waiting for him. He mouthed “thank you” and the other boy, Sekimukai Kouj, if he remembered correctly from the introduction, raised a thumb up.
The rest of the class was peaceful and Shouyou relaxed. Maybe thing could be different this year.
…
Sekimukai Kouji and Izumi Yukitaka became his best friend. They talked to him without a hint of hesitation and talked other classmates down from bothering him with stupid jokes. They never said anything about his genital area, not like other classmates who felt like they had the right to ask rude question, and even asked him if he could teach them basic sign to better understand him. Shouyou was delighted and enthusiastically started teaching them.
Classes were difficult and Shouyou, not used to pay attention, found it difficult to listen to his teacher. He slowly felt behind, crying when he had to study everything for a test. He was not the smartest child in the class, but he didn’t care. He wanted to play volleyball, full stop. He almost cried when his new friends told him that they wanted to join the basketball club and the soccer club. He shouted up when they told him that soccer and basketball were their volleyball.
Well, he thought, I can find new friend in the volleyball team. But there was no team. When he asked the teacher why he felt disappointed. The male volleyball team didn’t exist.
“You can always choose a more popular club… Or joining the female team”
He blushed, feeling frustrated by the offer. He had three option: one, he could remain the only member of the volleyball team; two, he could choose another club; three, he could forget his fight to be considered a male and join the female team. The last was excluded, so he choose the first. Who care if he was the only one! He could train by himself.
That was the plan, but it was not a success, at first. When he asked where he could train they answered there weren’t any spaces free and he had to share with someone. They suggested the female volleyball team and he accepted. If he was lucky he could ask them for help.
He only could use the volley ball that the girls were not using, so one. Also he had a small place near the wall and full stop. He could work with that, but he was feeling disappointed.
His friends reassured him they would play if he needed them, but obviously you couldn’t play volleyball in three. He had to wait and see.
…
Volleyball was not the only hard thing. Some people didn’t care he was trans, other called him with mean word when they though no one was listening. Most of the time he had his hearing aids off, so he only saw someone laughing and pointing at him, other time he could read their lips. It hurts.
One time, when he arrived home, he started crying, scaring his mother. He wouldn’t say what happened, but the next day the teacher gave a lecture about understanding diversity. It only got worse. They called him “teacher’s pet” and sometimes they made loud noises near him to make him uncomfortable.
Kouji ad Izumi, as they wanted him to call them, were angry and tried to stay near Shouyou as much as possible, but they couldn’t be with him every time of the day, so he had to bear with it. It only got worse.
One day he found his desk written with insults. He felt tears in his eyes, but he didn’t want to give them satisfaction. He took a piece of tissue and started rubbing off the words, immediately helped by Kouji and Izumi. The teacher arrived when they had already finished.
It continued like that for a long time. Every day they would write something and everyday he would clean it. It was more bothersome than frightening, until one day it was enough.
You should just die, handicapped tranny
His blood froze. He didn’t have the time to think, he just run out the class, hiding in the first bathroom he could find.
He was crying so hard. He was sobbing and sniffing so much he didn’t have the time to breath. His heart was beating so fast he thought he would die. He was dying, he was sure of it. His hand was on his throat, grasping his cloth and trying to take them away, to make it easier to breath.
He would die. He would die. He would die.
He didn’t know how much time has passed, but he felt someone trying to taking him in their arms, and he started to fight. Another pair of hands tried to stop him, but he was panicking so hard he couldn’t understand what was happening. At some point he passed out, and everything become black.
...
He found out he had a seizure. They took him to the infirmary and called the ambulance, but his mother arrived before, probably alerted the moment he disappeared. She told the paramedics what happened and they didn’t take him to the hospital. It was the last thing Shouyou wanted and he was thankful his mother made that decision. He stayed at home for a couple of days.
When he returned to school he found out the girl and the guy that have written those word were expelled and that all his class had written an apology for not having defended him. Shouyou was not angry with them. He just smiled and told them he wanted to be their friend. It was in that moment that everyone swore to protect the precious child, too kind to be in this world.
His class become more unite than ever and Shouyou was surrounded with people everyday. It was impossible to resist him. Shouyou always found a way to touch people heart and it was impossible to hate him. He talked with everyone, never got angry if they didn’t remember to speak in front of him if he didn’t have his hearing aids or didn’t remember to tap his shoulder to get his attention. Everybody loved him.
But no one wanted to join the volleyball club. Shouyou had to stay alone for another year before finally get three first year joining the club when he was in his last year of junior high school.
...
His first and last game was a disaster. It was difficult playing without his hearing aids on, the strange calm in the court was a distraction, more than helping. He couldn’t hear what his teammates were saying and so they couldn’t connect. It was frustrating because he never got the time to get used to it.
They lost.
It was obvious, he should have known. They were playing with the best school. They couldn’t have win, and Shouyou knew it. But it hurt the same. He wanted to win, he wanted to continue playing.
He was wingless, he couldn’t fly, but he wanted to, so badly. It was hard staying on hearth, to watch the sky, so high and bright, and knowing he could never get there. He was a bird that couldn’t fly, he was defective.
But he wanted to fly, so he run, shouting at an innocent part that he would defeat him, that he would win! He knew he was not talking to him, he wanted to find something physical to beat and Kageyama Tobio was the best choice. He was the only one who hadn’t looked at him with pity, but had yelled at him for not doing enough. He was what he needed to continue moving.
That day he got an enemy, he got a path to follow and he got the first feather on his back.
He would not be wingless anymore.