Chapter Text
Every time.
The same dream every time. It's not like I dream often, once in a blue moon if ever, but when I do, every time it's this dream ... no, not just a dream, a memory that my mind will never let me forget, even when I beg it to do so. It starts the exact same way, with me falling. Just falling into what seems like a never-ending pitch-black pit. But when the so-called "never-ending" free fall does eventually end, it doesn't end with a thud or a thump, not even a little humph. I just landed on my hands and knees. And as my eyes adjust to the darkness, I feel around to get my bearings on what seems to be solid ground, smooth and cool to the touch, like concrete, but with a black sheen like marble or finished granite. as I continue to feel around my right hand brush against something that I soon recognize as a pen that seems to have been freshly dipped in conjuring ink And my left hand soon finds a palm quire set not far from the pen. And just as my eyes finally adjust, white and black-lined abstract figures pop out from above, virtually blinding me with the sudden white glow they give off in the darkness of the pit. And suddenly, their booming voices all start at once, giving me a slight momentary tinnitus that sends shocks of pain to my head.
As the ringing subsides, leaving residual throbs of pain that travel from my skull down my spine, the words of the figures become more and more distinguishable from just loud brain-numbing gibberish to actual words.
"This is the absolute best she can muster?" 'n-No! I-It's Not!! I swore I just-'
"Are you not taking this seriously?" 'I-I am! I am, I promise!'
"Perhaps she's just.. mediocre". 'NO! I'm not! I'm-'
"If the child had had talent, we would have seen it by now". 'But I-'
"Are we sure this is her daughter?" '...'
The figures don't stop; their words are sharp and unrelenting. They all just start to speak over one another, their words only becoming more and more harsh and degrading, getting louder and louder, spoken with a vigor like I'm not even there, listening to every single word. Like I'm deaf to every "mediocre, poor, and that's all?" but out of them all nothing hits me more than
" Is this really her daughter?” What type of question is that!. Of course I'm-
"I had high hopes for you ". 'No..'
"But you have disappointed me, Agott". 'Please wait! I can do better, I can be better, I-I can!-'
"You will not be my apprentice. We've no need for dull children in this family". 'Mother! Pl-"
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"-ease!"
'Wait, what? I thought... shit, that damn dream, it's the same thing every time, starts the same, ends the same, with me waking up, sitting up in tears, those said tears leaving their marks down my cheeks and leaving me shaking like a wet owlcat. yelling out a begging please for a second chance to show that I can do better, that I am better, that I'm worthy of having the last name of Arklaum, that I'm not mediocre, "I'm not a dul-"
*knock, knock* two small almost hesitant thuds at my door cut off what I was about to say and taking me out of my spiral as well. "Agott?" Coco?. What is she doing at this time of night ? It can't be earlier than two in the morning, judging by the position of the moon. 'Why on Zoza's green earth is she up this late?' I try to respond, but nothing comes out.
"Agott? Are you alright? I heard a scream, and I just want to make sure you're ok and not, you know, getting kidnapped or something haha," she says, laughing at the end, sounding halfhearted and with a slightly worried tone. ‘My God, was it that loud?’ It pulled Coco, the notorious deep sleeper of the atelier, once even sleeping through a storm so entirely thunderous and powerful that it snuffed out all the lights in the atelier and had shaken its structure to the point of dust falling from the ceiling. Waking all its residents, even master Olurgeo, from their rest. Well, all except one, who was found sleeping soundly, tangled in the comforter of their bed. 'I'm still surprised by how she accomplished that, especially tangled in the bedding the way she was. It could not have been comf-'
Okay, Agott, I'm really starting to worry now that you actually got kidnapped, so I'm coming in." Coco's voice has a slightly humorous tone to it but is full of genuine worry. I hear her start too turn the handle to come in as I try to say something any thing to stop her before she sees the pitiful stat I'm truly in. "wait!-" I try to vocalize, but what was supposed to be a well said and composed sentence turned into a weak and shaking gasp in my throat, so rushed so loud and noticeable that it would be surprising if coco didn't hear it. I clasp my hands to my mouth to prevent anything else coming out of my traitorous vocal cords. Even though my voice does not sound remotely normal, the door stops slightly ajar with the girl on the other side, making no indication to push it further. 'Is she actually waiting?'
There's a small pause, possibly less than 30 seconds, small but noticeable. Just as I'm about to say something with determination to not let my voice shake again, I hear " okay" from the other side, her tone still full of worry as well as confusion, but waiting nonetheless. " Okay. I'll wait. " Well, that's not what I was expecting. Honestly, I was expecting Coco to burst into my room without any concern for who could possibly be in here if I was truly in danger. There's another beat of silence before she speaks again. " Alright, I'm not gonna come in if you really don't want me to. But I want to know if you're okay, so I'm going to ask some questions from here if that's alright?" Her voice is still full of concern but now has an assertive tone, not really stern per se but certain. There's no room for debate, and that's clear.
"Alright, I'm taking your silence for a yes." At that, I lift my knees to my chest and move my arms to cradle my legs as close as possible, so I am able to hide my face from absolutely no one. She's not going to take a no for an answer anyway. As much as I would deny it to anyone who would ask, I know her too well. So I wait silently for the questions to start."Okay, first, are you actually being kidnapped?! Because if you are, I'm gonna have to come in there!" Okay, that's not what I expected as a first question. It caught me so off guard that a small but audible chuckle left my lips, as much as I hoped that she didn't hear that, I know that she most likely did "pff- ahem. n-No, I'm not being kidnapped, Coco"
"Okay well that's good. I can't really see in the room to make sure but I'll take your word for it." the response to my answer gets me to huff in amusement and a small smile creeps onto my face hidden from the moon light by the fact that my face is still hidden between my knees but my hands start to lessen there death grip on my legs as I shift my head to peak my eyes over my knees." alright next question. Are you Okay? I know you're not in danger but like are you ok emotionally?" that question makes the amusement leave my expression immediately as well as my hold titans around my legs tighter then before. I hesitate to answer because that was a very loaded question. It hasn't even crossed my mind that she would ask so specifically if I was alright emotionally, even though it was probably inevitable that she was going to ask such a specific question. I mean it is Coco."......yes?" I said, and could immediately tell as the word left my throat, that it was not convincing whatsoever. It was small and shaky; gone was the slight stoicism that was just coming back in my tone, and here was only a cowardly squeak of a word. My "answer" wasn't even phrased as a statement but as a question, like I was asking her if it was true, which it wasn't.
"Agott, that was not a convincing yes, and I think you know it." 'damn it'.
" Agott, please, I'm not here to upset you anymore than you already are, and don't deny it; I know your voice well enough to hear that it's completely different from your normal voice. So if you want me to go, I’ll go, but please be honest with me.... I'm really worried about you. so I'm going to ask again, and you don't have to give me an answer you could just tell me to go away and I'll go" 'god why is she so sweet?. nobody else had ever treated me with this much genuine care and compassion not even my own mother-" are you sure you're okay Agott?" a broken sob breaks out my mouth witch causes the damn to break. Tear after tear begins to make its way down my face. I try to hold them back, to push them back by roughly rubbing at my eyes in desperation. and as I try to speak, without the truth of my current state being revealed to the girl on the other side, what comes out of this fruitless attempt is just hiccups, caused by me desperately trying and failing to get enough air into my lungs while also trying to gain my composer witch at this point is like grasping at a pile of straw while underwater, and sobs loudest I've ever heard out of my self. I, with little difficulty, could tell her to leave me alone;I should. She said that I could just tell her to go away and not tell her anything, and she'd leave. But I can't. I'm so tired, I'm tired of hiding how I actually feel, I'm tired of hiding why I'm feeling this sad and angry and disappointed in not just my skills, but disappointed in myself as a whole.
'Tell her to leave!. She will leave if you tell her to go away. She probably doesn’t want to listen to your dumb sob story anyway. So just tell her to go away!!'."pl-pl-Please d-don't go!" I patheticly sob out. And I mean every broken word, I don't want to be alone! Especially she's right here."I'M!- I'm n-not ok. A-y alright! I h-had a b-bad dr-dream, and I r-r-really don't want to b-be alone!. So please don't g-go!."The beg was nothing more than a desperate cry out for Coco not to leave, to please stay and never leave.
"Oh Agott! Oh my god, it's alright. Okay, I'm not going anywhere!. can..Can I come in?" At the request, I nod my head vigorously, momentarily forgetting that the girl is currently being blocked by the door and can not see my moment of agreement. "ye-yes" is all I could sob out. At this point, I've given up on my pitiful attempt to hold back my wails. crying into the palms of my hands while still wiping at what could now be classified as waterfalls. gasping for air as well as heaving that same air out in an attempt to at least steady my breathing, but that is becoming incredibly hard to do.
"Alright. Okay, I'm coming in," she says ever so sweetly. ‘Why is she so nice? Especially to me? I definitely don't deserve her forgiveness with everything I've said in the past. let alone her kindness. let alone her.' I'm pulled out of my thoughts by the creaking of the door being gently and slowly pushed open, giving me time to change my mind. But I don't. All I do is try desperately to wipe the tears away to try and appear somewhat presentable, but it's useless. "Oh Agott." At that, I tear my hands from my face and look in the direction of the voice to see her.
Her hair, longer than the first time we met, slightly greener than blond in the moonlight, green like the stem of a strawberry right before being plucked from its bush. Her eyes are big and full of care, compassion, and concern, so much of it that it all starts to overflow, shown by the glossy sheen in her eyes and small but noticeable teardrops falling down her face. Her face, slightly paler than normal, ‘must be the moon's light.’ Half covered by her left hand over her mouth, which covers most of the scar on her cheek. "Oh, sweetie," she says as she takes a single step closer, her voice slightly muffled by her hand , the tone not spoken with disdain or deception, not even the slightest hint of disappointment. Just care. Never have I heard someone say something with the purest amount of care, especially to me. 'Sweetie?' That one word alone made me start sobbing even harder.
"Can I hug you?"she says so sweetly that it could give the healthiest of people a diabetic coma. I try to respond with words but fail catastrophically. The only sounds coming out are gasps and whimpers. So, not trusting myself to say anything coherent, I just nod my head sadly in hopes she gets the hint.
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