Chapter Text
He’s built a habit of staring at his celling.
He doesn’t really register when it happens. When the night is too quiet and his eyes cannot seem to close, his eyes bring him to a blank, lifeless celling.
It’s when covers never feel warm enough, and the memories never go away. They get hazy, blur around the edges, but never truly disappear.
He can never forget, he’s not sure he wants to, but surely he’d be happier if he did.
Yet Saparata knows that he wouldn’t be able to live without knowing the delicate hands covered in lead.
Hands that held him, hands that cleaned his wounds despite a disproving look on his gorgeous face, hands that loved him despite it all.
One of those hands had a ring finger perfect for the amythest he chose.
Saparata stares at the blank celling imaging the life he could’ve had. Trying to put life inside something inanimate, non-moving, and dull.
He imagined coming home from a long day to him cooking dinner, where he would run in and help. He imagined listening to rants about petty little things that happened throughout the day. He imagined getting down on one knee, finally outsmarting the smartest man in the room.
He imagined spinning Fluixon Aculon around in circles with the snow as their only viewer and kissing him with every inch of his soul.
He imagined saying all the things he meant to. Imagined all the things he never got to do. He imagined not being so stupid to wait for the right moment when it was right in front of him. He imagined fixing the regrets that kept him up on nights like this one.
He tried to imagine the wall as anything other than his lover’s corpse.
-
His confession was a small, intimate one that Saparata wished he could put in a snow globe.
There, out in front of the small cabin they shared together, his gorgeous Fluxion was scolding the village kids to be careful of the ice, least they slip and have a freak accident. Yet they all giggled in their flimsy shoes and worn out shorts, running around him in a circle while they chanted for Mr. Flux to play with them.
He saw the exasperation on his face, the creasing of his brow and the frown firm on his lips as he rubbed his temple looking like an old neighbor mad about his perfect lawn being trampled on.
Yet Saparata saw that small smile that he tried to hide, it made his hands clammy and his heart pang, afraid that Flux’s smile would make him drop the flowers he had in his hands.
A little girl spotted him— he recognized her as the daughter of the blacksmith. She pointed, alerting the rest of her rascal gang. Saps felt his heart beat faster as he saw their mischievous smiles, nothing but trouble those kids were.
“Mr. Saps, Who are those flowers for?” A little boy asked, poking his head behind Saps’ back.
“There for Mr. Flux, stupid!” The same little girl said, following right behind.
“Stupid?” The boy flailed his arms “I’m not stupid!”
When he glanced down, the two started bickering with each other like kids often do. The other children snickered and laughed. It lifted his nervousness. In a way, he saw his own life. Arguing with Flux ever since they were kids. Yet everyone around them knew that this was just how they communicated.
Though it all came rushing back when he realized Flux by then had looked up, seeing Saparata in all his sweaty glory.
He wondered how he looked in the moment. Surely it was an uncomfortable sight— he sure felt like it. After all, right before this Saparata had come to realize there was no ‘right moment’ to confess his love. So he decided to do it that very moment with nothing but his heart on a plate ready to display.
He didn’t feel ready.
But Fluixon Aculon still looked at him like he was the most handsome man he’d ever seen. His cheeks were flushed, even as he pretended to be unbothered.
“Yeah, who are they for, Saps?” Flux teased, like he didn’t already know that those hyacinths were for him.
It was a long time coming, everybody in their village saw them snuck glances at each other. Saps Saparata and Fluixon Aculon had molded themselves to fit each other like puzzle pieces. So perfectly inline with the other person’s emotions and movements. They were not to be separated.
Saps had walked closer, hands behind his back even though his secret was sold. His boots crushed into the snow as he became face to face with his Flux.
Smaller shoes circled around them, giving them space but still buzzing like curious bees.
“Flux, I’ve known— I’ve known you for a long time.” Saparata stammered, “I’ve known you long enough to know that I really want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
“And—And I know we’re still so young. But, I really want to experience taking you out on dates, and buying you flowers like these,” He pulled out his arrangement of flowers in front of him, it was the only the keeping him from being next to Flux.
“I want to own that restaurant with you, I want to hold you while we sleep, I want to cook with you, I want to show to world I love you!”
“I.. want a lot of things with you. You’re the only person ever on my mind. We bicker and fight, but I know there’s nobody in this world who understands me better than you. You’re so smart, and so beautiful, and so stubborn, and so everything.” He remembers flattering for a minute, but then stared at Flux right in his eyes.
“I know, that for any of that to happen, I need to take the first step. So, I’m asking you Flux. May I be your boyfriend?”
Saparata remembered his heart racing. So much so that he got nausea! His mind had blanked out while his cheeks burned like they never had before.
The kids around them had squealed and awaited Flux’s response even though Saps knew it was only a matter of time they would jump out their own skin.
He was still staring in the eyes of Flux. Who had yet to change his expression. The thoughts in his mind went crazy— was Flux going to hate him forever? Had he just ruined their friendship, would he have the move across the server to save his shame?
But then, he saw tears welling up in those eyes of his. Next, he felt arms around his neck. The children squeals came right after.
He smelted the lavender in Flux’s hair, and he wrapped his arms around his body and let out a huge sigh of relief.
“You’re so extra.” Flux sniffled into his shoulder. “A big fool.” His usual fire nowhere to be seen. “So dramatic.”
“That was ought to be a marriage proposal.” Flux even let out a wet laugh. Saparata had tightened his hold onto him, eagerly waiting his response.
“I’d love to be your boyfriend.” Flux had whispered right in his ear, squeezing him just as tight.
His nose burned, and then his eyes, and then he felt the overwhelming urge to cry.
Then he felt a snowflake on his head and he burst into tears, sniffling while he laughed holding his lover— a lover who he would love for the rest of his life.
It was the happiest moment of his life—it is the happiest moment of his life. It was the day it solidified Flux was his and he was Flux’s. It was the day he spun them around while the kids jumped with them up and down. It was the day they made impromptu snowangels because they slipped on the very same ice that began this silly memory.
It was the day they shared their first kiss, a perfect moment where Saparata felt heat sore in his heart as he felt the soft lips of Flux when he wrapped his arms around his waist. It was perfect.
Saps memorized it all, and he’d never forget.
-
Their separate rooms sooner than later became their room and the guest room.
Since Flux had the bigger room with the bigger closet, it was an easy switch to make.
It was also easy when Saparata had already crawled into Flux’s bed when he came from late hunting.
Sometimes the night hadn’t been well, and all that he desired was sleep straight after
Flux’s eyes couldn’t stay awake long to wait for Saps. So instead he would leave out a separate pair of pajamas next to his night stand for Saps to quickly put on and slip under the covers.
They’d talk about it a couple of times going earlier to look for food, Maybe even the both of them.
However, the law was strict in holding their village. The food distributions were basic veggies and no meat. They were handed out at specific times, two times a day.
While it kept them alive, it was not enough to be full. It was even worse for the bigger families. It was taking a tole on his people. Saparata could see the elders walk slower as their bones weakened at the lack of nutrients. He saw the children’s ribs poke out their stomach. He saw adults’ muscles slowly fade away, no longer strong enough to fight back.
He saw his Flux lay in bed for much longer times, unable to bring his energy to even get out of bed some days. He saw him stare out their bed window losing his thoughts. He saw him shiver under the covers as even Saparata’s own body couldn’t warm him.
He saw Flux give him all his food, stating that he just wasn’t hungry.
Saparata himself saw in the mirror his arms reduce, how his eyes become sunken. Saw how when he helped the elders he struggled to carry their produce inside, how he became tired of just cleaning the snow off their doorstep.
He saw how it worried his lover. Who fret over him often.
It’s when he realized that he had to do something about it.
So he snuck out late at night to kill animals, it was the only thing he really could do. There weren’t many alive in this harsh climate— or any that weren’t also taken out by the law. The Law import their food to give to his people, but the protein was still useful. It made their bellies a bit warmer.
That’s all that mattered.
So even if his eyes threatened to close by the time he got home, when he saw Flux lying in their bed it reminded him why he did it.
So after a fresh shower using boiled water in a bucket, he pulled the covers up and slips right next to Flux before he starts to shiver again.
He has always enjoyed cuddling, especially with Flux. So he shuffles around in the bed and pulls the covers up just above his shoulders while his left arm flopped on top of Flux’s waist from underneath.
Flux groans, rubbing at his eyes. He was always a light sleeper after all. “Saps,” He mumbles through a stifled yawn. “You’re back?”
He watches Flux turn his head to look at him, so Saparata takes the opportunity to nuzzle his face into his hair and curl both arms around his waist. “Yeah, didn’t mean to wake you.”
“Ts’ okay.” Flux answers, voice rough with sleep, eyes closing to settle into the new warmth. “How was it?”
“Work?” He questions, even though it was the only option. He just liked hearing Flux’s voice, okay?
“Yes.”
“Well you know,” He shrugs, it slightly nudges Flux and he gives a soft apology under his breath. “Cold, but I got a deer for us to eat.”
“A deer?” Saparata could hear the disbelief in his voice, “That’s surprising.”
Saparata frowns, remembering a few months back he saw dead animals every couple of blocks. At the time, Saparata truly did not think anything of it. But now, he was cursing himself to not have at least grabbed one.
“Maybe it’s a blessing,” Flux turn his body to face him, his eyes were slightly more open now.
“I suppose. It has been awhile since we had venison.”
Flux brought him closer to his chest as he dug his hands in his hair, “What would you like for dinner tomorrow anyways?” Classic Flux, always thinking so far ahead— he had to sniffle a fond laugh.
But of course, nothing is missed by Fluixon Aculon. “What’s so funny?” He looked down and pulled on a strand of his hair.
”Ow— Ow ouch, okay I’m sorry!” Saps laughs, hiding away in Flux’s stomach. “I just think it’s funny how you’re supposed to be sleeping.” Saps tilted his head up as he carried the biggest beaming smile in the history of the world “And now you’re thinking about the next day before it’s even started.”
”It’s called being punctual, Saps.” His Flux tilted his nose to the side with a haughty look. “I’m simply more responsible then you are.”
”Oh really? I’m not responsible.”
”Not at all, you forgot to put the meat in the freezer like I asked you to.” Saps squawked as he lifted himself off the bed on his arms. “That was one time!”
“One times too many, I’d say.” Flux stuck his tongue out as he shifted to his side, smirking like the cat got the cream!
That sly eel, he’s really pushing his buttons. So this will show him.
Saps pretended to mope and look to his side, exhibiting the energy of a wet cat left out in the rain because it escaped.
So when Flux glanced at him through the corner of his eyes like he always did he saw him flatter, turning back and lifting himself by his elbows “Saps? You know I’m not actually upset—“
Then Saparata grinned— like a horrific villain Flux told him later— and raised his fingers and wiggling them around before shoving them into Flux’s armpits, launching his attack. “Get over here!”
he probed at Flux’s sensitive skin as he gasped and kicked, “Saps— you bastard!” He yelped before bursting into laughs. Saps grinned as squeezed his side with a double attack, “Oh—Oh hey! You keep—“ Flux’s arms became noodles as he pushed against Saps chest, laughing hysterically. “You keep your hands— your hands to yourself!”
“Sorry, no can do.” Saps snickered “I’m the one in charge now!”
Saps knew Flux’s body like the back of his hand, he knew exactly the spots on his neck, where to squeeze and poke at his stomach. He knew every place that makes him laugh.
”Oh— enough— enough! I’m sorry, I’m sorry Saps!” Flux through his head back when he ran the pads of his fingers just above his belly button. “You’ll kill me!”
He’s beautiful like this, Saps thinks. His smile was enough to stop wars, you have to believe him. His laugh was music to his ears as corny as it sounded. He would sit and exist with Flux in every time line before and after this one.
Flux’s rosy cheeks were everything to him, the image is locked away for safe keeping. He’s sure he has the goofiest look on his face, his own face flushed like he’s the one being tortured with an inch of his life. He can’t help himself, not when he’s looking at a gorgeous man in his bed— a gorgeous man who was Fluixon Aculon he might add.
Finally, he gave mercy and released Flux from his hell. Flux let out a few gasps for air, looking at him with a dramatic expression. “You just tried to murder me, I should report you to the authorities.”
He let out a wolfish grin and wiggled his fingers again, grinning even more than one would think was possible when Flux laughed and burying himself in the pillows, “No! I’m sorry, I will live with the abuse, no one has to know.”
He crossed his arms around his stomach when he felt own laughing bubble up. “Can’t have everyone know my secret.” He’s so glad they don’t have neighbors, they would’ve filed a noise complaint— or maybe a dozen by this point.
Finally he lays back down next to Flux, they’re facing each other still giggling like high school kids. Then, Flux reaches his hands to place on his cheeks, caressing with so much love.
Then he places his lips on his and he’s drowning again.