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daisy hovered her gloved hand over pomni's door handle for a moment. she swallowed the thick lump in her throat, hesitating, before decidedly turning the handle and gently opening the door.
she walked in on the jester boredly bouncing one of her colourful balls from the pile of toys in her room on the ceiling. she caught it in her small hands and yawned, bringing a hand to her face. when she noticed daisy coming in her eyes brightened and she blinked. "hey, princess!" she greeted her warmly, a smile spreading on her face. she saw daisy's expression and her smile dropped. "you doin' okay?"
daisy sighed, perching on the edge of her girlfriend's bed and clutching her knees in discomfort. the denim fabric rubbed uncomfortably against her thin periwinkle legs. "it's.. it's just..." she choked out, struggling to find words to communicate what she was feeling. she was getting better at opening up to pomni now, but it was still hard. hard to trust, hard to love after everything that had happened to her in the past.
"come on, babe, tell me what's up." pomni soothed, stroking daisy's lilac arm softly, coming to sit next to her on the edge of the blue and red bed.
daisy sniffed, lip curled in a frown. pomni's eyes were sad and sympathetic as she gazed at the rabbit. she could tell she was trying desperately not to cry. she didn't want to seem sensitive in front of pomni. she didn't want her to know how pathetic she was.
"i don't... i-i don't like my body." she let out, words muffled by small sad little sobs. she brought her knees up to her chest and buried her face in her overalls. tears pricked at her eyes and streamed down her face. she had to remind herself: she was safe. she was with pomni. she could finally let out all the intense emotions, all the dark, scary thoughts that had been building up inside her for a while.
"shh, darling, it's okay," pomni murmured, delicately smoothing the bristling lavender fur along daisy's spine as she carressed her softly.
"i.. i wish i wasn't... l-like this, y'know?" she whispered, biting her lip.
"you could always ask caine." pomni blurted out, wrapping her arm around daisy and pulling her close.
daisy looked up from her pitiful sobbing to stare at pomni. "ask him what?" she spat.
"i-i just meant, that, um.. you could ask caine to change your avatar a bit, maybe..?" pomni suggested, rather regretting even bringing it up. it seemed like a good idea, in her mind, but the look on daisy's face suggested she thought otherwise.
"don't be stupid. i.. i-i can't just..! he'd ask why! it doesn't work like that, pomni." she hissed bitterly through gritted teeth, turning away from the jester and clutching the bedsheets she sat on, shaking slightly.
pomni was the only person in the circus daisy was out to as trans, the only person she trusted with the truth. so why did it seem like she didn't know her at all? of course she couldn't just ask caine. it wasn't that simple.
pomni reached out to grasp daisy's trembling hand. "why not, love? it couldn't hurt to.. to try? so what if he asks why, it's none of his business, babe." she said gently, eyes lidded and kind as she looked up at the rabbit, gaze full of love. she looked a little uncertain as she nodded, long ears flopping. she blushed slightly, her face flushing a deep purple, her pupils dilating shyly.
the scars that tore up daisy's arms stung painfully, a constant reminder of the horrible things she'd done, of all that she deserved. she shook her head, not letting those thoughts creep back into her mind.
she was loved. she knew that now.
"thanks for the advice." daisy stood up, sliding her gloved hand out of the jester's. she turned to leave.
"y-you know i... i love you, right?" she murmured, catching pomni off guard.
pomni's peppermint eyes widened, cheeks turning pale pink. suddenly she let out a kind, soft little laugh and replied warmly, "i love you too, daisy."
daisy smiled a genuine smile for what felt like the first time in years and walked out the door, suddenly brimming with confidence. she knew pomni was right. so what if caine asked her why she wanted a different body. it was her identity, her business. she didn't have to tell him if she didn't want to.
she reached into the pocket of her overalls and grabbed for the fancy ass red-and-black key that opened the door to caine's office. she had keys to everyone's room, even caine's. she wasn't sure why, or if the ringmaster even knew. it sure did come in handy at times, though, she supposed.
when she reached the magical, extra important-looking door to caine's office, she took a deep breath before turning the colourful striped key in the lock determinedly. she pushed the red right door open and strided into the office with her hands on her hips, glancing around the room to see caine sat in his big chair.
he was gazing up longingly through the gap in his roof, the nighttime glow casting a cool starry light on his pearly white glinting teeth. his eyes were big and wide as he looked up at the sky, not seeming to notice daisy as she shut the door and waited uncomfortably. maybe he's lonely without bubble, she wondered sympathetically. caine was one of them now, just another soul trapped in the simulation, despite being an AI. and they understood that. but still, he'd never really fit in with them, no matter how much they welcomed him. the only other AIs in the circus were the NPCs caine could create for their adventures, and the sun and the moon.
ohhh, daisy realized, nodding. she tilted her head to one side to look through the skylight to see the moon shining brightly out there in the dark sky dotted with glittering stars. maybe caine wished he could spend more time with her? daisy giggled softly, how sweet.
daisy reminded herself, there was something she had to ask, a reason she was here. she cleared her throat.
"uh, caine?" she prompted gently, making herself known to the ringmaster. caine jumped and turned to daisy, gripping his desk with his white gloved hands. he shook his head (well, teeth) to clear it and raised his voice.
"o-oh, why hello, jax! what can i help you with this evening?" he boomed, voice brimming with that same infuriating brovado as always, clasping his hands together on his dark oak wooden desk.
daisy tried to hide her wince at being called her deadname, but reminded herself it was her fault for being too chicken to come out to anyone except pomni. they all knew her as jax, and she had to accept the fact that they would call her that unless she stopped being such a scaredy cat and finally came out.
"h-hi, caine," daisy greeted him, slightly nervous now that she was actually here and about to ask. maybe she was expecting too much of him. what if he couldn't even change their avatars now he was back? after all, he'd mentioned that he didn't have "as much power" as he had before. or what if he refused? daisy would look so stupid.
"is everything okay, my little superstar? you've been acting quite off all day." caine asked, tilting his head to one side.
daisy frowned and looked down at her paws, fidgeting with her gloved hands. "i was just.. well, wondering... uh, y-you see.."
"go on?" caine asked quickly. and loudly.
stop rushing me, daisy thought bitterly, arching her eyebrows. she suppressed the growl building in her throat and reminded herself this was caine she was talking to, not a regular human with emotions like hers. it would be hard for him to understand the difficult thoughts she was having right now.
"i, uh, have a small request, caine." daisy murmured. she bit her lip and waited for him to respond.
"but of course, jax! i'm always open to ways to make this world more immersive. i just want you.. uh... guys to feel comfortable and happy. what would you like to request, my angel? i'm sure it'll be a brilliant idea whatever it is!" caine smiled. with a snap of his gloved fingers, he summoned daisy (and a wooden chair, smaller than his own) to his side.
daisy sat on the chair, fidgeting with her hands awkwardly in her lap. "i, uh... well, you see, i.."
"yes jax?" caine encouraged.
daisy reluctantly swallowed her pride and asked outright, "i was just kinda hopin' that you could, um, change my b-body a bit?"
"your body? why, what would that entail, dear?" caine asked curiously, looking genuinely confused and maybe slightly hurt at the proposition. he didn't seem to understand why someone would want to change their appearance, after all, in his opinion, the bodies he had created for them had perfectly encapsulated their mind files into a digital form.
oh sh!t, the thought struck daisy. maybe caine would be insulted and think she didn't like the avatar he'd made for her originally? she didn't want to make caine upset, and of course she didn't want her body changed drastically. just a few tweaks, that was all. she definitely knew she wanted to keep her rabbit ears.
daisy looked down, not bearing to look caine in the eyes as she embarrassingly described her wishes. "well, um, maybe some hair.." she gestured to her head. "and different clothes?" she suggested hopefully.
"why ever would you want that, jax?" caine asked, more out of curiousity than true aggression.
daisy didn't reply, looking down and fidgeting with her gloved hands in her lap. "w-well, i just..." she couldn't think of words to explain her predicament without letting on more than she wanted to in front of the ringmaster. she didn't want him to be worried.
"do you hate your body like zooble did?" caine blurted out.
"w-what? no!" she responded defensively, crossing her arms over her flat chest and avoiding eye contact with the AI that sat before her, examining her every movement. she was okay with caine now, but to tell the truth, he could still be a little creepy at times, and wasn't the best at sensing when he was making someone uncomfortable. daisy thought for a moment. maybe she did hate herself but that still didn't give caine the right to ask inappropriate questions. she softened her voice to look up at caine. "i just, um, want to be a bit more comfortable here. in this body. you understand that, right?"
"ah, i see, jax! well, what kind of different clothes would you like, dear?" caine summoned a notebook and pen in his gloved hands out of thin air and started sketching. he squinted in focus as he tried hard to draw daisy just right. daisy nosily peeked at his drawing and let out a little giggle when she saw caine's depiction of her, a doodle of a tall skinny rabbit with long ears on top of it's head and a big smile.
caine handed the notebook to daisy and beamed, "here! just draw what you think you would like. i can't promise i'll be able to create it exactly, but, uh, i'd be happy to give it a go!"
daisy nibbled on her lip and started struggling to draw what she wanted. she had a rough picture in her mind, but it was still hard to get it out on the page. she'd never been very good at drawing. that was more gangle's thing. but she knew sort of what she desired, so she quickly started sketching.
she started with the outfit. back in the real world, she had faint memories of going to the mall with her best friend and trying on her first ever real girl's outfit. it had a pink and black striped off-the-shoulder sweater and a black denim skirt underneath, paired with striped thigh-high stockings to match the top and black shoes. she tried hard to get it on the paper, sticking her tongue out in focus, but it didn't really come out looking right. she sighed and moved on to the hair. she'd always wanted long hair. when they'd seen their real selves she'd rather liked the look of her human counterpart, leeroy's, hair. it was long and black with a messy side parting. she wanted hair like that, with a bow on one ear as well. she finished it off by adding long eyelashes.
daisy smiled proudly when she finished her drawing and showed it to caine. "uh, something like this, maybe?" she asked shyly.
"aw, why it's lovely, jax! i have to say though, you, um, well- you look a bit like a girl." caine commented, clearly trying his best not to offend her.
jeez, you're really that oblivious, aren't ya? daisy thought, rolling her eyes. "i'm fine with that." she smirked, ignoring caine's utterly perplexed expression.
"w-well, alright, then! i'll try to model you something similar to this." caine promised, daisy's eyes lighting up. she didn't think caine would actually go through with it.
daisy waited patiently for a few moments as caine began conjuring.
luckily the AI was fairly quick. after a few minutes he prepared to click his fingers before questioning, "um, are you sure about this?"
"w-what?" daisy stammered, slightly taken aback by his question. of course she was.
"just so you know, you'll be able to switch back if you ask me. just ask, alright?" caine confirmed.
daisy nodded gently. "i know, caine. but, uh, i don't think i'll want to." she smiled.
"here we go, then!" caine snapped his gloved fingers without delay and daisy was transformed. she stumbled slightly at first, knees tight together with sudden discomfort, before standing up and looking in the tall shiny mirror that had appeared in front of her. she gazed at her reflection, eyes wide, and blinked her long eyelashes.
"well?" caine prompted. "what d'ya think, jax?"
daisy clutched her quivering knee and stared at herself. the purple rabbit that stared back was familiar, but somehow softer, maybe even... prettier. just maybe.
her periwinkle fur still bristled spikily up her shoulders, but they gently slumped down now, not hunched up and broad. caine seemed to have understand what daisy was getting at with her request, because he'd also discreetly given her a bra top beneath the sweater, staps showing. she had quite literally nothing underneath, her chest flat, but the cis girls in the circus also didn't have breasts, so she could easily pass with them. the tight bra was a slightly uncomfortable, strange feeling, one she hadn't really experienced before, but inside her it felt right. she felt good like this.
caine had given her the outfit she'd drawn almost exactly, the hot pink and black striped sweater handing loosely off her bony lilac shoulders. it was made of a comfortable fluffy material that felt warm and cozy against her lilac skin. the long oversized sleeves covered her scars, and a warm, familiar feeling of relief overcame her, though she tried hard not to let how pleased she was show in front of caine. it was almost painful to ignore the other's stares when they saw her cuts, especially the concerned, worried looks her girlfriend had given her the first time she'd seen them. she was glad they were covered now. but she wasn't ashamed of them.
the rough black denim skirt was quite short, the hem only just reaching above her knees, but that was fine in her opinion. the long thigh-high stockings lightly hugged her long skinny legs, she desperately hoped they weren't too revealing, despite the fact that she had no inappropriate parts now she was in the circus. not that she was interested in doing that stuff anyway, not even with pomni. she just wasn't ready. certainly not in this body.
she shook her head to clear it and admired the shiny black mary janes on her feet. they had black straps and heart shaped little holes that daisy hadn't even asked for, but she liked them tremendously.
she examined her face in the mirror, batting her long eyelashes. she had long, glossy jet black hair in a spiky side parting just like she'd envisioned, and at the base of her long left lavender ear was a pale pink bow that matched the visible delicate pink straps to her sports bra. daisy thought for a moment her cheeks even looked as if they were dusted with pink blush, but decided she must've been imagining things.
she struggled to keep her breaths steady, eyes wide with excitement as she stared at her reflection in the surface of the mirror. she was almost at a loss for words. "i...i look.." she uttered, stammering.
"well, do you like it or not, jax?" caine questioned with a raise of his nonexistent eyebrow.
an authentically happy little smile spread across daisy's periwinkle face. she turned to caine and nodded vigorously. excitement shone in her big almost completely jet black eyes. "i do! i.. uh, i mean, i like it a lot."
"well, i-i'm happy you're happy!" he boomed supportively like a proud dad, though looking slightly confused at the fact that the person he knew as jax, and that cocky tough guy act he put up, would be excited at the prospect of looking like this.
"i am happy." daisy said quietly, looking down at herself and smiling shyly. she knew the others would be shocked when they saw her, but in all honesty, she didn't care. maybe things were looking up after all. maybe caine understood the way she felt, despite not having the ability to understand human emotions to a complete degree.
it wasn't a lot, just a little outfit change and a few tweaks to her avatar, but it really showed that he cared.
"that's lovely! now, why don't you get some sleep?" caine suggested, turning back on his signature cocky booming tone of voice "i, uh, was talking with ragatha about maybe going to the digital lake for some beach-alicious fun tomorrow?"
daisy nodded. it could be like a re-do of that, say, problematic adventure a few months ago. god so much had changed (mostly for the better) since then.she was genuinely happy now, happy with herself. she didn't feel the need to cut herself anymore, she had nothing left to prove. "sounds great, caine." she agreed with a little smile and began taking the small staircase down to the bottom area of the ringmaster's office.
"by the way, there's one more thing you could do for me, if you will." she turned to look up at him.
caine clasped his gloved hands in his lap. "oh? and what would that be, jax?" he prompted.
the rabbit smirked. "call me daisy." she requested, blinking her long eyelashes before dashing down the staircase, excitement making the short lilac fur along her spine stick up on end.
with a flick of her short lavender tail she burst out the door, ignoring the confusion and repurcussions saying those few final words would have tomorrow.