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Guest 1337 was currently staring at a very disorganized training group.
If they were all in the army, they would have already been yelled at a hundred times over for their blatant disregard for any amount of organization.
Noob was currently halfway through what Guest guessed was their third cola in the past 20 minutes, Taph and Veeronica egging them on to chug the thing and continue to their next can for reasons Guest couldn’t even be bothered to figure out. Two Time was about halfway up a tree, and Elliot was trying to convince Chance to follow them, some sort of implacable yet devious smile on his face that was honestly quite concerning to Guest.
Part of him felt bad that this was something he had to do. These people should be doing whatever it was younger people liked to do, not…stuck in a training group because they were all stuck being a god’s playthings. However, they didn’t have a choice, so…
“ATTENTION!” Guest shouted, momentarily cringing when it resulted in a spilled soda can and a sloppily caught ex-cultist. He cleared his throat, shaking his head, “We’re all here for a reason! We’ve been gifted a unique opportunity with how The Spectre has been silent. So here’s how this is gonna go.”
He watched as the group shuffled into what was possibly the worst formation he’d ever seen, and he had to tell himself that none of them had any military training. He was willing to bet that the fraction of the group that had seen fighting worse than a school-yard brawl before this whole realm was pretty small.
“First things first, Veeronica, you’re sitting out,” he pointed to a nearby bench, “I’m not about to have this group trying to fight someone made of metal.”
“4nd a1so, I’d simp1y win!” Vee trilled, tail flicking behind her as she raised her hands with a certain flair and waltzed to the bench, settling down with a smug look on her face, “G0tta mak3 sure every0ne has a fair sh0t!”
“Veeronica I’ll pick you up and throw you,” Elliot threatened, though Guest could tell it was so far from serious.
“In y0ur dreeeeeeee4ms, pizza boy!”
“Second things second,” Guest interrupted whatever argument was about to break out, “I want to be clear here: we’re not trying to hurt each other, alright? So I want to see punches pulled, and I don’t wanna see anyone get bloodied, okay?”
The group collectively nodded. After a moment, Noob took a look around, seeming puzzled.
“H-Hey, why isn’t it th-the whole group?” they questioned, “The A-Admins are missing, s-so are Jane and S-Seven.”
“The Admins need no training,” Guest calmly explained, “they have plenty of it on their own. I’m just a mortal, I don’t think I can exactly teach gods how to fight well, especially when just under two months ago half of us watched one of them disembowel someone with a hammer.”
There was another sort of collective agreement from the group, though Guest did realize he might have made a mistake bringing up The Doombringer Incident when Taph sort of flinched away, momentarily hiding herself with her head-wing even though her face was already coated in shadows.
“...As for Jane and Seven,” Guest continued after a moment, “I’m pretty sure Seven would outright die if I tried to get him to spar…and I’m a little afraid of Jane.”
“T0 be fair,” Vee hummed, “I think w3’re all a 1it7le afraid 0f Jane.”
Yet again, another collective agreement.
“Alright. Now I want to see what you guys already know with hand-to-hand,” Guest waved a hand, “Any volunteers?”
Much to a bad, bad feeling in his gut, Chance and Elliot immediately stepped forwards. Ah.
“No really hurting each other,” he firmly reminded them, receiving dismissive nods and hand-waves. Gods they were about to beat the shit out of each other, weren’t they?
The two circled each other like cats in an alley, and Guest was seconds away from telling them to back off and rethink the situation before Elliot took the first swing, immediately proving Guest right by catching Chance in the jaw, immediately flinging their sunglasses off. Great. Chance proceeded to immediately kick the situation from fifty to a hundred by pouncing on Elliot, sending both of them to the ground absolutely cackling like hyenas with too little enrichment in a shoddy zoo. Much to Guest’s chagrin, the rest of the group began cheering the fight on, leaving him to stare in utter disappointment at the two fighting on the ground, kicking up dust and dirt into the air.
At one point, Elliot slammed Chance’s back into the ground and Guest saw an opportunity, grabbing Elliot by the back of his shirt and yanking him away to separate the fight, much to the annoyance of the spectators, including Vee, who was bold enough to show her displeasure with a loud “BOOOO!”
“ALRIGHT!” Guest shouted again, “WOULD ANYONE OTHER THAN BONNIE AND CLYDE OVER HERE LIKE TO SHOW ME A DEMONSTRATION OF PULLING YOUR PUNCHES?”
“Awwww, c’mon, G!” Chance whined, wincing when he tried to pull himself up, “It was just a friendly spar!”
“Your sunglasses and hat are a solid five feet away from you,” Guest stared down in disappointment, “I’d put you both on mess hall duty if we had a mess hall.”
“Let’s put the kitchen guy on kitchen duty!” Elliot chuckled.
“Kid, I’m gonna throw you in the lake,” Guest threatened.
Elliot meekly shied away, laughter growing quieter as he got his feet back under him and Guest let him go. He pulled Chance to their feet, and Guest fixed them both with a nasty stare of disappointment as Chance grabbed their accessories and they both slunk back to stand next to Two Time, who was hiding their laughter very poorly behind their hand.
This group was, to put it lightly, an absolute mess.
“Two Time!” Guest singled them out, “I can trust you to know how to pull a punch. You’re smarter than the idiots you surround yourself with.”
“Honored!” Two Time trilled, ignoring Chance and Elliot yelling “HEY!” at being insulted. They happily made their way over to be in front of the group, tail eagerly swishing around in a manner that reminded Guest of a cat.
He looked over at the other two of the group who weren’t the two already bruised idiots, humming as he tried to figure out which of them to call up.
“Taph!” he settled, “You can probably pull a punch well enough. I wanna see what you can do in hand to hand combat. I’ve heard of what you can do in rounds, and from what I’ve been told, it’s something I’d absolutely want to see for myself.”
Taph made a sort of bow that Guest could only assume was a thanks at the compliment, making her way to stand next to Two Time, who was staring at her with rapidly growing horror.
“You want me to spar with the child of my God?!” Two Time squeaked out, staring at Guest and frantically motioning to Taph, raising their voice as much as they physically could, “YOU WANT ME TO FIGHT SPAWN’S OFFSPRING?!”
“And that is exactly why you’ll be sure to pull your punches,” Guest nodded, like it was incredibly obvious.
Taph made a noise like she was egging Two Time on, much to their momentary horror, before Guest could see her actively encourage them with the flick of a head-wing, beginning to circle them. They raised their head and looked towards Chance and Elliot, and Guest was quite pleased to see them nod, silently encouraging Two Time. They breathed out and began to follow Taph’s circling, and Guest was confident that unlike the first two who had set up to spar, any actual injuries would be on complete accident this time around.
Taph was the first to dart forwards, and Guest guessed he wanted to openly encourage Two Time to fight despite what he was. Two Time stepped back, flinging up their arms in such a way where Guest could tell they’d been watching him in rounds, their blocking being a much sloppier version of his own. He could work with that.
Two Time struck back, only to be surprised when Taph side-stepped, flinging around to seemingly go to punch them in the ribs, only for the incoming punch to turn into more of a slap, clearly an attempt to still tell Two Time they’d been caught slacking without hurting them too much. Two Time made a weird sort of squeaking noise as they fell back slightly, only to get right back to trying to actually strike them.
Guest watched the two of them circle around and dart in and out, and part of him was proud of them both. Actually, most of him was proud of them.
But there was…something terribly sour to it, at the end of the day. Like he’d thought about earlier, these people shouldn’t have to be doing this. They should just be…enjoying their lives. None of them should have to die nearly every single day just because a god wanted entertainment or food or…something.
None of them should have to know the horror of dying in someone else’s arms, or being the one to witness someone else’s final breath. None of them should have to handle the desperation of being the last one alive against something that killed everyone around them with ruthless efficiency. None of them should have to muffle their cries into each other as they fell asleep at night.
He realized with a start that the sparring had stopped and he was being stared at with a look of concern from Two Time, and presumably one from Taph as well, even if he couldn’t see her face. When he glanced around, he could see that everyone else held looks of concern as well.
“You okay?” Taph signed with the tilt of her head.
“Did we do something wrong, dearest soldier?” Two Time nervously looked around.
“...No, no, kids,” Guest sighed, “You guys didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I kn0w that face,” Vee piped up from where she’d been sitting and watching, “It’s…a w3ird form of grief. Y0u don’t think we shou1d be doing thi5, right?”
Guest blinked in bafflement, “How could you figure that out from just an expression?”
“Y0u gotta remember I w4s out in th4t chaos much l0ng3r than anyone e1se in th3 cabin 0ther than Jane,” she shrugged, “It’s 4 look I saw a hundr3d times, dir3ct3d at me 4nd other pe0ple.”
“B-But it’s something we have to d-do,” Noob sighed, shaking their head, “We h-have no choice. We h-have to l-learn to fight, b-because if we don’t…”
“We’re just dead on the field,” Elliot groaned, “It’s horrible we have to do stuff like this, but like Noob said, we’ve got no choice.”
“It’s not fair to you, to any of you,” Guest motioned to the group.
“Have you ever stopped to think about how unfair it is to you?” Chance questioned.
Guest blinked at him for a minute, thinking through what he was saying, “I…don’t think I follow.”
“You were in a war when you got here!” Chance sounded exasperated, like he’d thought of this a hundred times over and was confused that Guest hadn’t thought of it at all, “You died in a war, and then suddenly you don’t get your promised rest, where you reunite with whatever loved ones passed before you. Instead you get stuck here, at the bottom of the barrel, fighting a different war over and over.”
He had never…thought of it like that. Somewhere in his head, he had always just thought of this as an extension of his previous situation. He’d never thought of it as ending and starting again, but this time endlessly repeated. An entirely separate situation, one he didn’t even purposefully put himself into.
“...It’s not fair to any of us,” he settled on, shaking his head out, “But as Noob said and Elliot agreed, we have no choice. It’s not fair to anyone.”
“...To put it lightly,” Two Time cleared their throat, “it sucks ass.”
Abruptly, Guest practically wheezed with laughter, not having expected the absolute gut-punch of the normally pretty formal Two Time casually swearing. When he looked back at them, they had a slightly smug smile on their face, and he realized they’d done that on purpose, ESPECIALLY when they spoke next.
“Gotcha,” they laughed.
“Alright, alright,” he shook his head, “you got me, congrats. We should get back to sparring.”
These idiots were a handful.