Chapter Text
there’s all kinds of noises harrasing my ears, shoes clinking against the ground, people talking about their excitement for the new school year in the background. I look at my feet trying to avoid everyones gaze as i keep my face neutral. I dont want to offend anyone just yet, its only the first day back to a country i barely knew. Sure im technically from here but i barely remember the place, who knows what could happen.
This is nothing new to me, ive been throught this ordeal countless of times before but it still doesnt change how my heart races everytime someone looks my way. Once i finally reached the classroom door i looked around to see if i recognised anyone from the “introdution day”, which was basically me exchanging pleasantries with my new homeroom teacher and where i got my schedule and books. What do they even expect from me? I can barely speak the language let alone write, i silently thanked my mom for forcing me to read children’s books every night before bed. She’d always correct me on my pronunciation. The bell quickly emerged me out of my stupor. I made sure to enter the classroom last so i don’t accidentally take anyones preferred seat and having to argue my way out of it or be seen as a pushover for agreeing so easily, its better if i avoid all social interactions for now. I sit at the back of the class, closest to the door. The teacher starts saying something but im caught off gaurd by her very frizzy thin red hair and the way she contrasted the “extra teacher” (as i like to call it), she on the other hand had brown crazy hair with the longest and pointiest nose i had ever seen, they looked straight out of a comic. I had to hold back a chuckle. The crazy haired teacher asked me something i think. I quickly nod, shes probably asking if i understand or something. Her whole job is too help the “stupid” kids so it makes sense why shes talking to me. She’s supposed to make my life easier or something. I notice the kid in front of me writing down what the teacher was saying so i did the same, but I could barely keep up with the pace, i wrote as fast as i could while miss-spelling every other word. Miss pointy nose quickly headed my way and wordlessly checked my work. She quickly took my copy and started correcting everything ive just written down. i stare behind her trying to ignore the blush rising in my cheeks. Obviously i know i cant write for shit but that doesnt mean this isnt embarrasing. I try to maintain a stoic expression since it basically means i dont care and im cool so dont mess with me. Its the most absurd logic but i at least get to keep some of my dignity.
The hour drags on while the teacher is droning about god knows what, at least i don’t have to copy down what she says anymore. She keeps mentioning how we went over this in 4th class so we should know this. Wow thanks a lot i barely know what a noun is in polish and im supposed to know all of this shit.
I basically follow the same pattern—avoid everyone, so thats what i did.
I somehow survived the whole week, and it was exhausting. My mind was all over the place and i felt like my tongue wouldnt cooperate with my mouth so i sounded like a garbled mess. I almost cried about 20 times because of how overwhelmed i was. Nobody noticed (thank God) , since im really good at keeping my expression flat when im in a new environment.
The main difference in this school was boys, i didnt really talk to any at my old school since there simply wasnt any, i was in an catholic school for only girls. At least they didnt pressure anyone to convert or some shit, i even had a muslim friend there, she just didnt take part in any religious activities and got to draw in her scrapbook, but that means i’ve barely talked to any, boys are something else. They’re unpredictable and loud. Theyre cocky with the way they talk and think that the world revolves around them. Theyre demenor pissed me off. Anyways i wasnt looking for a boyfriend yet since theyre all immature idiots. I was calculating what to do if a dude tried to attack me (which was a possibility in this day and age) when i noticed everyone quieted down when the music teacher walked in. Her face was a blank mask as she asked the students to take out papers as she fidgeted with the smart board to show a graphic chart some music notes. I had no idea what to do so i just copied the what i saw. Later i found that i completely failed the test. She wrote some bullshit about not following the “instructions”. What fucking instructions was she talking about. I definitely didn’t care, i knew my mom wouldn’t give a shit so why should i?
I actually kinda liked the music teacher, sure she still freaks me out but she at least humbles those stupid wannabe class clowns instead of warning them a hundred times like everyone else.
A couple weeks later I went to my homeroom teacher to ask how the hell was i supposed to understand shit in music when i didn’t learn the same things. She told me to go to extra lessons with her. Fuck.
My palms were sweaty as i knocked on the door. There were about a dozen kids in the classroom. Shit was she having a lesson? I looked her straight in the eye and asked if these were the additional lessons and she nodded her head. I quickly sat down in a random spot to not draw attention. I was sitting next to a kid who was visibly shaking and going over his notes. I quickly took out my own notebook and waited. What the fuck was i supposed to do now? I heard some kid playing the flute— oh yeah i still have to buy one of those— and the teacher started saying random grades as each student played. This went on forever until there was just me and the teacher left. She stood and quietly walked over to me and asked what i needed help with. I randomly picked the topic we went over in class and she actually explained it to me! She didnt even insult me once! I thanked her and quickly left the classroom.
Everything stayed the same at home- i still had to take care of my little brother while juggling school work. i practically had to beg my sister to stay with him for a bit so i could use the fucking bathroom and she had the audacity to say “be quick” when i had to stay with him for hours on end every day and she never takes care of him. I mean its not like its that bad, but he can be exhausting especially since hes not your average kid. I dont like to talk about it.
My mom made it her life mission to remind me how my dad sucks and how Poland is so great- don’t you agree? its so great right? its so much better then ireland. You don’t want to go back now would you? right? - and so on. Her droning is so fucking irritating, i keep a smile plastered on my face as i agree with everything she says just so she leaves me alone as soon as possible. I dont even know why i agreed to come here in the first place. I must’ve been possessed i mused and started thinking about how my dad would send his church friends to “repel” the demon out of me.
This is how my life went for about a year, until i decided to actually interact with people.
I dont know how it happened but i started talking to this girl. We just randomly started talking—long story short we had a class trip and we were supposed to get there by bus, so she offered to sit with me which i obviously wouldn’t refuse since my only option was her or the most annoying kid ever. He keeps bothering me with a billion stupid questions and when i do finally answer he just says ok, like he wasn’t the one who asked. Just as we were nearing the bus i see her talking with another girl ,which is completely fine. She comes over not that long after.
“You dont mind do you?” obviously this is how it would go. I smile at her and said that its not a problem. I wont make her feel bad for choosing someone else. I really didn’t want to sit alone or with someone annoying again so i looked around until i spotted this kid with mega short hair sitting next to a window seat.
“do you mind if i sit here?” i asked, feigning confidence.
“sure.”
i took the invitation and quickly sat down. I looked over at their phone to see them playing fucking brawl stars. Ive only heard about the game once or twice in passing (hard to miss when everyone is yelling to join a match on every school trip). I very reasonably hated the game, since mostly because the boys in our class played it and my distaste towards dudes hasn’t changed at all. I suddenly remembered a random video that popped up on my feed (totally didnt search it up) that said i should ask other people about their interests since theyll actually participate in the conversation , so i mustered up all my courage to ask them about the game mechanics since i never actually played the game so i didnt have to pretend not to know shit. It went quite well. They immediately started ranting about everything and i barely understood a word of what they were saying but i nodded along anyway. I only needed to ask a couple of questions to prompt them to continue their stupor.
That’s basically how i finally managed to make a friend —that i didnt hate which was new for me— in this new world that life dragged me into.