"I'm sorry, my boy, but your new father and I have a honeymoon to enjoy."

A beautifully preserved woman of a certain age peers over the top of a half rolled down car window, at her son, who stands on the kerb, confused and disconsolate.

"Keh?" asks Atlantis, the son in question, a five foot eight chad manlet of epic proportions. At fifteen years old he possesses the muscle development of a longtime gear user, but without the facial and brain decay to go with it. 

The window begins rolling up. "I'm sorry, son, but it has to be this way. Your father and I will pick you up when we return, okay?"  

Fingers wiggle in the slim gap between the glass and the top of the car door frame, and then they're pulled back at the last second, the car pulling away from the kerb, leaving a trail of mixed sex giggles behind alongside exhaust fumes. Atlantis stares at the retreating vehicle until it leaves his sight, his head fin lying flat on his head.

"Keh…" Turning around in a whirl of water droplets, the fishy boy comes face to face the imposing, neo-Gothic facade of his new boarding school - Bullworth Academy. Beyond its flamboyantly arched gates, rises the middle finger of the main building, a middle finger made of red stone. It looks like a posh university, rather than the toughest, roughest school in the country. A school so tough that Bullworth nerds are harder than other school's jocks.

"You must be the chojin boy. We've been expecting you." A woman appears out of thin air in front of Atlantis. A blonde woman. In a professional skirt and kitten heels. Very pretty. 

"Where'd you come from?!" bubbles the Deep One, already profoundly disturbed. 

"Welcome to Bullworth, Atlantis. I'm Miss Macintosh. I'm sure you'll be very happy here. I know I am, with a real man to make happy." simpers the woman, a secretary. 

Through the gate, things do not improve as a group of killer tomatoes immediately attempt to beat the fish paste out of Atlantis. To this problem he reacts by blasting water at them from his mouth, his scaly cheeks puffing up, the jet stream tossing them into the air and away, sending them flying till they smash against the wall of the school, red on red.

"Kekekekeke!" 

The sound of watery laughter goes before Atlantis as he takes the school steps three at a time. At the top, instead of opening the thick wooden doors, he simply walks right through them.

To the headmaster's office goes he, leaving dangerous water puddles all over the parquet floor.

🏫🐡🏫

 "You're a bad boy. A very bad boy, boy. What, aha, what? You've done a lot of naughty things, boy. Oh, I'm really scared of you, Atlantis. Yes, I've never met a boy like you, Atlantis. Tell me why I should waste my time on you, boy? Because it's my calling, that's why. I've never met such a nasty boy. I've got a good feelings about you, boy."

So goes the welcoming tirade of Headmaster Mask. Headmaster Robin Mask. In response, the tidgy Deep One begins filling his cheeks with salt water. 

The headmaster puffs his chest, touching his fists to his hips, his bare midriff and thighs gleaming. "…What are you doing, boy?"

Outside the door, Miss Macintosh comes to a stop with a tray covered in tea and whiskey things, the sound of water whooshing and the high pitched screams of a man having his hairdo ruined, rooting her to the spot.

From there the new boy makes his way to his dormitory, getting five feet along the path before being jumped again by another group of killer tomatoes. Employing no hesitation whatsoever, Atlantis begins throwing haymakers, splashing fresh ketchup all over the place and its people.

"Hey, new kid! You'll pay for that?!" A thirty-five year old blond man in a too small school uniform steps out of the dormitory doors, and charges, barreling down the steps and into the tiny chojin.

A whistle blows, a sumo wrestler in a loincloth gesticulating at the combatants. "Break it up, break it up!" When shouting at them fails, he begins swinging his own fists.

School life takes an even greater downward turn when Atlantis steps through his dormitory's doors, only to discover another hyper muscular young man standing directly behind them. That's one thing, but sadly, this other troublemaker is over seven feet tall and wearing black leather biker pants done up along the sides with hot pink ribbons. A grungy black t-shirt bearing the legend 'Tutorial Guy' covers his perfect abdomen, and a ye olde knight helmet obscures his undoubtedly incredibly good looking visage.

"Hey, new guy. You're gonna need a friend in this shithole of a school, and I'm that friend." Kevin jabs his own chest with his thumb, breaking the latter and fracturing the former.

"Get lost, loser." Atlantis barks reflexively, leaping into a fighting stance, knowing all the while that it is physically impossible to fight such a beast. Such a blond beast. Like Reinhard Heydrich reborn. 

You would think that calling him a loser would set the blond giant off, but no. He bristles, but he neither swings a fist nor runs away. "Hey, you don't even know me. You don't know I'm a loser yet." whines Kevin.

Since he refuses to leave until a friendship bracelet is accepted from his hand, Atlantis duly does accept the gangland symbol, wrapping the plastic beaded thing around his brawny green wrist. Once Kevin sees it is secure, he wanders off, retreating into the depths of the dirty, cluttered pen for teen boys to bully some poor sap, or else be bullied, who knows.

With his wits left to himself for a moment, the new boy proceeds to investigate his bedroom, which he shall be sharing with a few other boys. It's a tip, so he fits right in. Anything is better than his mother's house in the Demon Realm.

"Hmm…" Checking under his rather large bed, he discovers a welcome present in the form of a rocket launcher. That will come in handy.

It's while he's considering Anton Chekhov's advice that a new face makes its entry in the form of a dolphin walking upright on its tail flippers. Approaching Atlantis, his fellow sea dweller manfully extends a flipper. "Good morning (is it morning?) old chap. How do you do. My name's Ecco."

Atlantis extends his own, slightly webbed hand. Just webbed enough to intrigue the ladies, not webbed enough to be off putting. "Keh. Atlantis. Or 'Lantis, if you're feeling bold. I might eat you if you chop my noble name up."

Ecco chirps. "I see! Well, I'm a rather bold cetacean. I've been expelled from anywhere halfway decent, you see."

The noise of aquatic life forms making whale noises attacks Kevin like an emo moth to an emo flame. So tall and broad is he that he must duck and turn sideways to enter the room. A gaggle of geese enter after him. "Ooh, yeah, cause you're just so tough," he says, in his posh voice. "Cut it out, porpoise."

Atlantis crosses his arms, a sort of shared nationality endearing him more to Ecco than to his fellow chojin. "What's your problem?" he asks.

"Angst mainly, but also life, society, this school, my father, me, you, my father. And more. But I see you've met the school mascot - Femboy - the girliest boy in school." The genuine Englishman grabs the dolphin by what passes for a shoulder and spins him around.

Ecco objects. "I'm a dolphin!" 

'Oh shit. Is this Kevin guy the villain?' inquires Atlantis, of himself.

🏫🐡🏫

 Regardless of whether he's the villain or not, Kevin designates himself Atlantis' best friend, and proceeds to take him on a tour of the institution they are both trapped within. First off, the public lounge area of the dormitory. Here Kevin finds himself mogged by a skinny nerd when the latter strolls up to a wall with a can of spray paint and depresses the trigger. What appears out of a mist of intoxicating blue paint is this:

'Tell your therapist about it, rich boy.'

From where he towers behind Atlantis, Kevin gulps, his voice turning high pitched.  "…Is that like a personal attack or something?"

Outside the dorm, the pair are jumped by more would-bes and poseurs, but both are extremely competent wrestlers, and make literal mince meat of their opponents.

"Too bad I can't turn fools into fish and chips…or could I?" Kevin turns to suspiciously stare at his companion.

Back at the main building, the duo proceed to squelch their way down extremely wide corridors, where they occasionally leap into rubbish bins when the absolute insanity around them becomes a bit too much.

"I think I hear a fat girl crying. Come on, fish, let's see if we can disappoint my father." says Kevin, from the bin beside Atlantis'.

A fat girl is indeed crying, just outside the girl's ground floor loos. And what a fat girl she is…

"Yoo-hoo!" Calls a Ten Tonne Tess of note, her caterpillar treads painted pink. Not ten minutes ago a dastardly rogue stole her box of oil chocolates.

"The culprit is probably scarfing them down in a boy's loo somewhere. That's what I would do." offers Kevin.

And indeed, the culprit is scarfing them down in a nearby boy's toilet, but Kevin does less than nothing to assist his comrade, preferring to hide in a bin outside the room.

"Yumyumyumyum-" rattles a dark figure, also hovering around the seven foot mark, it's scarlet eyes fixed on the box of delicious chocolates, which ooze black oil everywhere.

"Give me those, fiend." Hisses the Deep One, the most handsomest Deep One to ever live. 

The hand mechanically stuffing the giant boy's mouth with confectionery, pauses, the thief's breathing turning ragged and frightening. An instant later, four scarlet bear claws burst from the back of the dark appendage.

Atlantis' head fin lays flat against his hairless skull. "Keeeh…"

Luckily, it turns out that Maureen doesn't possess enough RAM to remember that she possessed a box of chocolates, or that it was stolen, and she gives a badly bleeding Atlantis a big smooch just for existing and being cute.

"Wow. You're really kissing that?" mocks Kevin.

'Hey, man, I got more than you today, incel." Quips a lipstick covered, woozily walking Atlantis.

Kevin bursts into tears.

🐡🏫🐡

 For Chemistry class, Robin Mask hired a legit scientist. Not a legitimate scientist, but a legit one.

"I AM Putrid T. Gangrene and I WILL be your professor today as I attempt to guide you nitwits onto the glorious path of SCIENCE! MWAHAHAHA!!"

A man with skin the sick shade of vomit stands in front of a blackboard, his lab coat stained with various shades of red. He looks extremely proud of himself. Since Atlantis himself is a (more pleasing) shade of green, no one comments on the teacher's peculiar skin tone. 

The man reels back to deliver his next devastating line. "Today you little cretins will be dissecting…." he flips a torch on and holds it under his chin so that his eye bags and dark shadows marginally increase in severity. "Tomatoes!!! WHAHAHA MAHA!!!"

It's an interesting lesson, one in which Atlantis acquires several free snacks.

After Chemistry, in one of the wide foyeurs that imply that the inside of the school is far larger than should be possible from looking at its outside, Atlantis falls in love. He accidentally wanders into Reception, and in Reception there is kept a series of fish tanks, and in the biggest and prettiest of these swims a mermaid, and not just any mermaid, but the most gorgeous, blondest, shiniest, deadliest mermaid he's ever seen.

"Keeeeeeeeh…." he sighs, flattening his face and form (clad only in a shitty hulu skirt) to the heavy duty, shatterproof glass. Beyond it, in the crystal clear waters, the mermaid swims on, heedless of him.

A watery sigh from behind him informs him that Ecco the Dolphin is also admiring the beautiful fish-girl, and when he swings round in order to answer this travesty with his gnarly fists, he's just in time to catch the arrival of Kevin Mask, smarmy look on his 'face'. Oh oh, Atlantis senses drama incoming. 

"Hey, sis," he says to the mermaid. "This green midget was talking shit about the headmaster earlier. He said he's inbred…which means you're inbred….and therefore also me…Hey?! How dare you insult Daddy?!" Kevin Mask, the only unbeatable man in the universe, pivots towards Atlantis, beautiful boulder fists raised.

Deciding that retreat is the better part of valour, Atlantis skedaddles on our of there, tossing Ecco in the path of the furious blond. 

🏫🐡🏫

 "New boy, I challenge you to a duel."

Most upsettingly, Atlantis discovers that his school also houses wizards. One of them, who also happens to be the gym teacher, has decided, in the time honoured warrior culture way, that the little Lovecraftian horror is a worthy opponent. 

"Look, I didn't mean to beat up that mannequin." Atlantis blubbers, his eyes reflecting an image of two men in blood red Russian military dress.

"Too bad. You did, so now we fight." Says Professor Karkaroff, a nepotism-loving young man only just getting into his twenties.

"Hmpf. Da. I'm Yura's second." Growls his best friend, who is still, regretfully, in school.

They seem determined to wave sticks of wood in his face, so Atlantis says he needs to grab his own wand. "I left it under my bed." he chuckles, much to the other guy's disdain.

"Fetch it then. We'll wait." They say, dead leaves flying through the stormy air aesthetically.

Entering a wand battle with a rocket launcher is definitely a choice. Definitely a choice Atlantis makes. When he reappears with it, neither Slav blinks. But why would they. This sort of thing occurs daily in Slavland and Bulgarstan.

Karkaroff lifts his wand in the accepted dueling stance, while his thuggish friend continues to glower beside him. "One, two, three…draw!"

An explosion of magic and rocket powered grenades shatters the quiet of a posh school afternoon, causing numerous girls to shriek, numerous chojin to flee, and Headmaster Mask in his office to die, temporarily, of a heart attack.

"The amount of violence in this school is totally absurd," notes Professor Karkaroff, when the smoke has cleared and he observes the fire surrounding him on all sides, as well as the holes in the facade of the educational buildings.

"Grrr," says Viktor Krum, before trotting off with his buddy, a broom held between his legs.

Atlantis, lying on the ground, stares up at the grey sky, mouth open and tongue lolling. Notifications in Comic Sans float through a cloud towards him.

+5 Wizard rep

-5 Wrestler rep

-500 Headmaster rep

Kevin Mask interjects his head into his fellow chojin's vision.

"I'm taking over this school, Jimmy. I hope you understand that." he lisps.