Chapter Text
"I think....I accidentally killed Caine." Kinger had fear in his eyes. Genuine fear. It was the most insane thing any of us had heard him say, and yet he seemed more lucid than ever.
"Holy shit." Zooble mumbled, voicing what we were all thinking. No censor bar. No ridiculous sound effects. One of their hands flew to their mouth (or, where their mouth should be) in complete shock, realisation dawning.
Holy shit indeed.
I had no clue what to think. The world around us had become...unstable, is probably the best way to describe it, since Caine just ceased to exist. Objects began glitching, passing through each other just like they did when someone abstracted, but this was bigger. Whole structures shook, ignoring whatever laws of physics had been programmed originally. Some things flew up and down, vibrating against the walls like a swarm of wasps trapped inside a bouncy ball, whereas some things began violently changing shape, merging with any surrounding obstacles without a single care. Perhaps the most unsettling part of the sudden change was the immediate loss of colour- the second Caine was gone, the whole circus shifted into a monochromatic funk, as if it was his code controlling the appearance of the world. It felt like the building was heaving, mourning the loss of the ringmaster, forgetting that we were there.
We all just looked at each other. No one knew what to say - how do you even start that conversation? Caine was the only one who knew the rules of this stupid game he'd trapped us in, and without him, we wouldn't have even a semblance of a shot of escaping. I turned to face Ragatha, hoping that maybe her relentless optimism would find a way to shine through. Her face was hidden behind her hair, and I got the impression that she was trying not to cry. Great.
We all remained in that state of stunned silence for at least fifteen seconds, before Jax took a couple paces back from the group and started chuckling to himself.
"I swear to God, Jax, whatever you think is funny, now is really not the time." Zooble sounded completely defeated, the usual venom in their tone gone.
"Oh, Zoobie, lighten up! We'll be in here together for a longgg time, so you're going to have to get used to me and my sense of humor. Shame you never got to leave your mark on the world, though." That insufferable smile he loved to torment people with was plastered onto his face, his distress thinly veiled. He noticed Ragatha's shoulders shaking, and that smile widened. "Awww, don't cry Rags! Since Kinger can apparently just do whatever he wants with zero consequences or apologies, we can have him make an NPC for you so you don't miss Mommy too much-"
"Jax, enough." I said firmly, blocking his path towards Ragatha, "I know you're upset, but we all are. Winding people up to the point of abstraction won't solve anything."
"Upset? Why would I be upset?! It's not like Looney in the corner just did something unforgivable, just messed up in the worst way he could and threw away any chance of us actually leaving this stupid fucking- whatever it is! No, that doesn't upset me at all! I'd love to stay stuck in this god-awful body until I eventually abstract and never see the light of day again, that was exactly how I envisioned my life turning out!" His voice grew louder and louder, echoing off the trembling walls, as he got closer and closer to my face. Once his tirade was over, he was almost panting with rage, eyes wide and locked on mine with contempt. His pupils were barely visible, scrambling and almost glitching back and forth, making something deep within me to panic. As much as I resented his reaction, I wasn't prepared for anyone to abstract while we had so few answers.
"Jax, I promise you, it was an accident, I would never- I don't- I don't know what happened. It just did, and before I could try to get him back...the floor just opened up. I....I think there was something else in the computer. Something trying to override my admin capabilities...it was like it wanted Caine gone." Kinger stumbled over his words, clearly trying to remain calm as he drew the bucket further over his eyes. Good. We needed him fully aware so that he could explain what the fuck he meant by "something else".
Jax didn't move a muscle. He just kept leering over me, breathing heavily, his pupils still twitching into a scrawl.
I grabbed his wrist, snapping him back to reality. He tried to pull away, squirming and tugging with so much force it almost pulled me with him, but I held my ground.
"I don't care what excuse you make, or what edgelord bullshit you operate under. We are staying together, and we are figuring things out, because we're all scared, and confused, and no one has the right to be selfish right now. That is not negotiable." I tried to sound as commanding as possible, which is a difficult thing to accomplish when you're four feet tall and have bells on your hat, but to my surprise it kind of worked. He scoffed a little and rolled his eyes, sure, and probably muttered something vaguely offensive under his breath, but he stayed put, so I took that as win.
I turned to face everyone else, still keeping a death grip on Jax, and was surprised to see them all looking at me with expectation. Even Ragatha had emerged from behind her hair, tears still glinting in her eyes. I hadn't noticed, but it seemed like Zooble had grabbed Gangle by the hand (ribbon? Ribbon-hand?) in an attempt to comfort her. I didn't think I was signing up to be the Jax-wrangler and the decision maker.
"Right. So. Maybe we should all...sit down? Try to talk?" I suggested, wincing slightly at how lost I sounded.
"Yeah. Good idea, Pomni." Ragatha chimed in, shooting a silent 'thank you' my way with her eyes. In this raw state, with her confident, enthusiastic facade gone, she really did seem like a scared little girl, although that obviously didn't justify Jaxes' insensitive comment.
The others all mumbled some form of agreement (except Jax, who was of course being eerily silent) and shuffled over to the four couches in the middle of the room, which thankfully weren't glitching as much as some of the other objects in the room. It was strange seeing them all be the same shade of tragic grey though - adjusting to being surrounded by oversaturated, headache inducing colours 24/7 to basically being thrown into an old black-and-white movie was dizzying.
Despite the lack of colours to guide us, we all ended up in our usual seats, even Jax, who carelessly threw himself onto what would have been the purple couch and closed his eyes. He glitched a little, just the smallest amount, in a way that could be played off as a trick of the light, but I knew there was something deeply wrong with him. I didn't draw attention to it. No need to cause a panic.
It was almost unsettling how quickly we fell into these routines - like we were also just NPCs, following the code Caine created for us. But Caine wasn't there to dictate our actions anymore.
Gangle curled into Zooble as they sat down together, almost cat-like, her head entirely in their lap. It was kind of bittersweet seeing them together. It was a nice reminder that we were still human, and not just toys or video game characters or whatever our purpose was supposed to be, but it was also a bit of a sick twist of fate, considering they'd probably never get to experience a normal relationship. Still, neither of them cared. Zooble used their least clawed hand to rub Gangle's head, mimicking the motion of running fingers through hair, making sure to be gentle so as not to break her fragile mask.
"So...where do we start?" Zooble began, breaking the silence but still sounding just as lost as before.
"I...I think a welfare check might be in order. I'd rather no one abstracted from this point on, if it's all the same with you guys." Kinger spoke softly, his voice kind of ringing thanks to the metal of the bucket. Of course he didn't want to loose anyone else - I imagine his memories of Queenie were starting to come back, now he'd been sane for a while.
"Right. Good idea, Kinger. We have to be honest with each other from now on, or this won't work. Let's just go round and say what we're feeling before we try move on. Ragatha, are you OK to start?" I turned towards Ragatha, eager to just get her talking, to keep her involved somehow, so this whole situation didn't swallow her whole.
"Me? I...I don't. I don't know. I used to have mixed feelings about leaving the circus...wasn't sure if I'd want to leave somewhere I was guaranteed to be safe. But now...now we don't even have the option to go. It hurts. It hurts so much. I mean...what are we even supposed to do? Caine never told us anything. And now we're meant to be self sufficient? And I'm sorry for not being...helpful, or a good friend. Or strong, like you, Pomni. I just feel so lost, and I don't know what to do." Ragatha's words were slowly swallowed by her tears as she folded in on herself, hugging her knees and letting cartoonishly large tears melt into her fabric skin. One of her hands slipped up into her hair, and she dragged her fingers the short distance from her scalp to the ends, a repetitive motion I'd only ever seen her do once before that was making the wool fray slightly. I don't remember that ever happening when Caine was around.
I just hugged her without saying a word, keeping her close to me as I tried to hide my own tears. I couldn't quite think of a response to ease her through that pain, pain we were all feeling together.
"I...understand what you mean." Gangle piped up for the first time since Caine disappeared. "I was miserable outside the circus. Depressed, I guess? I don't really know how to describe it properly. When I first got here, I thought maybe I could get away from that. No responsibilities, no...issues. But I was just as miserable here too. I was actually hopeful when you seemed confident in an escape, Pomni. You were different from Kaufmo, he seemed, like, manic. But you had confidence. You've sort of inspired me, is what I'm trying to say. But I don't know what we're meant to do anymore. I've never been less sure of anything, and I'm worried, I'm worried we'll never get out and we'll never find out why we're here and our lives will have been...wasted. It's like I've only just started wanting to live and now I'll never get that chance, and I don't think I'm able to be OK with that." Now Gangle was crying too, Zooble clutching her ribbons a little closer than they were before.
There was quiet for a little while. It was difficult for all of us to be that emotionally vulnerable. We knew each other, and we were all close for the most part, but this was a different level, our innermost thoughts and fears and concerns. I was slightly worried that we were just making each other sad.
Suddenly, Zooble started speaking too, continuing our impromptu therapy session. "I don't know. I had so many plans. Goals, dreams. I was so sure of what I wanted, I was finally in a good place in life. I'd just bought an apartment, I was in a job I actually liked, I was patching things up with my folks. Going places. How am I supposed to just abandon that? Coming here felt like an interruption to all that and now I'm trapped, we're all trapped. I know I've not always been a positive person, but for a bit I did actually believe we might get out. I know it's not confirmed we definitely won't. But you understand why I feel so hopeless, right? I think I'm falling apart, and not just literally." As if timed to perfection, their arm fell off and clattered to the floor, prompting a snort from Jax that went ignored, much to his dislike. It was like he wanted someone to fight him, wanted an excuse to be the bad guy. As if we had time for that.
"And Pomni? What about you?" Kinger turned to me with as much of a smile as he could muster, which sort of shocked me. Although, to be fair to him, I agreed to his suggestion, so it would be entirely hypocritical if I didn't say my piece.
"Right, OK, I suppose I should contribute too. My life was nothing special. I guess I thought that made me nothing special by extension. That's why I started making my videos, I wanted to feel more interesting. But I never wanted it to get this interesting! Ever since I got here things have just gone more and more downhill, which could be partially my fault, and the only good thing about it is you guys, and you're all suffering too. Literally no one is winning. And on the one hand I feel so guilty for antagonizing Caine the way I did and coming up with this plan in the first place, but on the other I know that nothing would have changed if I didn't. He would never reveal anything and we'd be stuck in this sadistic, eternal loop of torment for the rest of time, and while this isn't the best way it could have panned out it certainly isn't as bad as what it could be. I'm sorry, either way. Even if we never get out, all I want to know is how we got here. I want to know my name. I want to live the rest of my life, digital or not, knowing that I was more than a dumb cartoon jester." I tried to laugh through my tears, but it just sounded like I was choking. Ragatha attempted a laugh too, wiping her eyes and achieving a similar slightly concerning noise. At least it was impossible to die of oxygen deprivation.
"Are we done with the pity party now? This is getting dull." Jax piped up, though now he had his back turned to the rest of the group.
"Well Jax, thank you for that excellent display of emotional depth. We'll be sure to give Oprah a call." The sarcastic comment came from Ragatha, which I think took everyone by surprise. I can't say I didn't find it funny though.
"....you do realise that the Oprah show went off the air in like, 2011, right? How fucking old are you?" He shifted himself over so he was facing the group again, his signature infuriating smile plastered back on his face, barely hiding the tears that had been streaking down his face.
"I....I actually didn't know that. I was watching that show my whole life...damn. I really wish I didn't find that out from you. I'm kind of devastated." It sounded like she was about to cry again. Over Oprah? I mean I knew tensions were high but wow, clearly I underestimated just how high.
"That's a really good point...how old are we? Like, do we age in here? Are our bodies aging?" Gangle added, thankfully interrupting the unexpected rabbit hole.
"That's just another one of the many questions we don't know the answers to. Right now, anyway." Kinger sounded so...defeated. Positivity was difficult to muster, even for him. But didn't need positivity at that moment in time. We needed answers.
"Kinger. In the cafe earlier, you said something about Scratch. The guy who created this place. You worked with him, right? You knew what he was trying to do? I know it might be difficult for you to remember, but if we want a shot at escaping, we need to know as much about Scratch, Caine, and C&A as possible. Please." I looked into his eyes, praying he would be able to save us from this place, before we ran out of time. I didn't know how long the circus would be stable without Caine, but judging by the immediate shift in the surroundings, I gathered the code wasn't on our side.
"Yeah. I think some explanation is in order."