Work Text:
Ringing.
Ringing in her ears.
Police and ambulance sirens, the rushing of hysterical people as they witnessed the tragedy, students, girls and boys, adults, ALL of that was irrelevant in the moment, all she could hear was this sharp ringing in her ears.
It sounded familiar, like a heart monitor flatlining.
How fitting...
He had literally jumped from the rooftop, the same rooftop they just had a conversation on a day ago, the same rooftop where they waited, waited for salvation, he was definitely dying or already dead, no doubt about that. With that, the dizzying, disoriented feeling gradually subsided and her eyes focused back on the scene before her. She caught a glimpse of Rui, on his side, fresh blood seeping from his head, breathing slowly. Even in near death, his eyes looked tired, exhausted.
He was shuddering, he tried to move his body, to curl up into a ball. He only managed to get his knees up a little to his chest before he regurgitated blood from his mouth, staining his shirt and green notebook still tucked into his side pocket. Yeah, he wasn't going to survive that, he was going to die. Mizuki kept her eyes fixed on him or at least tried to, even as students tried to push her out of the way to either take photos or upload on social media for shock value, that's all she could expect from them. They were assholes, stuck up, arrogant pricks who didn't care about Rui. Why would they? They never cared before and they won't care now. Rui was a loner, a weird kid that nobody liked and people bullied. These monsters couldn't even pretend to care even if they attempted to try. Yet Rui thought he was the monster. That he deserved to disappear to make the world happier or whatever bullshit they made him believe. That if he was wiped from existence, hundreds of millions of people would rejoice, no one would hold hatred for anything and he convinced himself he couldn't be happier. Just like that, he'd love to disappear. And he did.
Why Rui...? Why would you do it...?
Suddenly, Mizuki was shoved aggressively to the side. A guy, of course it was. Mizuki tried to shimmy back into her spot, but he elbowed her in the ribs, forcing her arms around herself in pain.
“Move, freak!”
Mizuki scowled up at him with defiance despite the chaos surrounding them.
“Fuck you.”
The guy smiled bitterly and shoved her again. Now she couldn’t even see Rui’s body.
“I said move.”
Mizuki was about to throw a punch, anything to show that bastard, but he shoved her again, hard enough to make her fall.
“Pick a side already, freak.”
Then he laughed, blending into the crowd of students taking the piss out of Rui at this point. Mizuki didn't even care about that thinly veiled comment about her identity, she was used to it, all that stung was the realisation that even in death, he was still seen as a weirdo. If Mizuki had died instead, she'd imagine the same sort of scenario would take place, after all she was also classified in the same clique Rui was assigned in. As Mizuki got up, brushing herself off, she couldn't help but feel a strange jealousy. If only she had the courage to do what Rui had done. It'd all be over, just like that. She wanted to die just as much as he did. But the thought soured as quickly as it came. Even if it did end, there was no guarantee it would be clean or quiet looking at what was happening with Rui. And if it didn’t, she would be left with something even worse, trapped in a body that wouldn’t cooperate, and a life that had already fallen apart. That wasn’t freedom. Not really. It was bad enough being stuck in her own body with her thoughts, being in a situation like that was a fate worse than death.
Mizuki was snapped out of her pondering as she felt something grip her blazer weakly. Mizuki turned around instantly to see who was tugging it because it most certainly wasn't a threat.
A girl doubled over, one arm wrapped around her stomach, gripping Mizuki's sleeve. Mizuki was quick to notice that the girl's legs were shaking uncontrollably; she couldn't help but notice that first because it looked like her legs were going to give up any minute and collapse. Mizuki didn't know what to do so she stood there, waiting for the girl to realise what she was doing.
Maybe she's squeamish because of the body... I wouldn't want to have seen that either on my back.
Mizuki winced, tears gathering up at her eyes as she blinked them away.
But my reasons are different.
The noise was starting to allay with all the police ushering students away and with that, Mizuki heard whimpering coming from the girl.
She must really be traumatised, I should-
"R-Rui..."
Mizuki's eyes widened.
Did she just say...?
Mizuki’s gaze drifted to her uniform. Grey cardigan. Green tie. This wasn’t Shirayuki Institute’s uniform. This girl was from a different middle school… But then how did she know Rui’s name? Rui didn’t have any friends, let alone students from other schools. Only the popular kids could pull that off.
Unless... This was... That girl...
Nene Kusanagi. His childhood friend. The one he wanted to meet again.
No... Rui... No... What have you fucking done...? What have you done...?!
Mizuki remembered how much Rui used to talk about her. At first, he’d kept her identity frustratingly vague, but once Mizuki complained enough, he stopped bothering. After that, it was always Nene, Nene, Nene. Mizuki couldn't understand why Rui had left Nene in the first place if he cherished her this much. It was just beyond her. Why would he leave someone as special as that? It disheartened her because he at least had someone who cared and loved him. She didn't have anyone... They’d fought about it one day. Rui kept going on about Nene while Mizuki already felt awful about herself. In the end, all he said was that he was “protecting Nene from himself,” before sharply telling her she wouldn’t understand. Mizuki recalled calling him a "selfish, arrogant prick," for deciding what Nene was feeling, just so he could satisfy the thoughts in his own head and sabotage himself in the process, knowing it'd hurt Nene. They stopped talking for a week after that, until Rui came back to the rooftop, without apologising and immediately started rambling about one of his show drafts to her again. Mizuki didn't bother pressing the issue further. There was no point in holding onto bitterness when she was also just a loner who wanted someone to talk to.
Mizuki shook herself from her thoughts and quickly hoisted the girl up, gripping her elbows to support the girl as her legs looked close to giving way. She was breathing heavily, her lilac eyes red rimmed as she searched Mizuki's eyes. She seemed delirious, scared, like a deer caught in headlights. Mizuki hadn’t really dealt with situations like this before, aside from comforting Rui that one time as he sobbed into her sleeve. She figured she’d just do the same thing here.
Mizuki whispered softly, "Are you ok? I've got some water if you need any-"
"It's not real." Nene mumbled, looking down at the floor, her voice seemed distant, hollow.
Mizuki wanted to say something, but she didn't know Nene properly enough to help. However, Mizuki could feel the pain, the heartbreak, radiating from Nene and it hurt her too. All Mizuki could hear was the single word "Why?" in her head. She couldn't even begin to fathom what it'd be like for Nene; that was her childhood friend, the one she grew up with.
Nene looked up at Mizuki, tears gathering in her eyes as she smiled painfully. "He'll still be here... He's just going to the hospital. He'll still-"
Her voice cracked and she paused, as though the reality of it had finally settled in, and she could no longer talk herself into denial.
"I couldn't save him."
Her tears started flowing as she sobbed, the reality of it crashing down on her, “I tried talking to him, but he just kept shutting me out… I didn’t know what else to do...”
Nene's eyes landed on Rui's body, he was surrounded by paramedics but they didn't look so hopeful; that's when she realised why, he was pronounced dead.
"Rui-" A hand suddenly yanked her back. It was that guy again, the one who'd been holding her back.
Nene looked back frantically, trying to free herself.
"I couldn't save him, I am a monster, let go-"
Mizuki interrupted,
"Don't say that, please don't, you'll only make it worser for yourself-"
"LET GO OFF ME!"
Nene started clawing at Mizuki's wrists, digging her nails in. Mizuki winced and tried to push her hands away.
"Rui never listens to anyone when he makes up his mind! You know that!"
Nene pushed Mizuki away.
"You couldn't have stopped him!"
Mizuki grabbed Nene's arm, tears glistening in her eyes, a sour expression on her face.
"It's not your fault... He..." Mizuki hiccupped, "He chose to do it, he was unhappy with who he was and he wanted out... It's not your-"
"THEN WHOSE FAULT IS IT?!" Nene shoved Mizuki's hand away, and started shaking, breathing heavily, as if she was realising something again.
Nene started tugging at her hair, a crazed expression on her face, "I saw him pulling away and I did nothing!" A bitter laugh escaped her mouth, "Nothing!"
Her voice cracked as she started sinking to her knees again,
"I watched him walk away, watched as the shadows swallowed him up and you want to tell me..."
Nene sobbed, clutching at her chest, "THAT IT WASN'T MY FAULT?"
"He's all dead because of me! I couldn't save him! I couldn't help him!" The fight seemed to leave her all at once. She buried her face in her hands, trembling, as she started crying loudly, painfully. Mizuki had never heard someone cry like that before. It made her feel as though she was underreacting to Rui's death. The heartbreak pouring from Nene felt so overwhelming that it seemed to tear at Mizuki's own insides.
Nene started digging her nails into her skin, her eyes wide and unfocused, a broken smile tugging at her lips,
"I don't want to be here anymore..."
Nene hugged herself, the same expression on her face.
"I really want to disappear myself because of this failure..."
Mizuki hesitantly moved towards her again, she couldn't understand why she was doing this, she barely knew Nene, but right now, they were both grieving over their friend and for that, she wanted to ease a little of the pain she felt herself by comforting his childhood friend.
Nene looked up briefly, and just like that, Mizuki wrapped her arms around the girl. Nene, upon realising, retaliated a little, landing tiny punches against Mizuki's chest, whimpering over and over to let go but slowly, those futile attempts of pushing away came to a halt and she sobbed into Mizuki's shoulder. Eventually, the sobs grew quieter. She could barely make a sound anymore, only trembling with each shaky breath.
Nene hiccupped, voice muffled against Mizuki's shoulder, "I want Rui back..."
Mizuki drew her breath in, holding her tighter, "Me too."
Nene whispered, "I wish I did more."
Mizuki buried her own face into Nene's shoulder, "I wish I did too." Mizuki's voice cracked near the end of her sentence, hitching her breath. All of the laughs they shared, the pranks they pulled, the sad memories, the happy memories they made, what was the point if she couldn't even witness him graduating his last year. He had promised her, he had promised her while he was doing her hair on the rooftop that day. That he'd live to see that moment. Why would he kill himself? Why would he leave? Why did he promise her if it didn't mean anything...? Just thinking about the gentle sensation of his hands running through her hair, tying the ribbons into place... Mizuki remembered how proud she felt of the hair growth, it had finally grown to her shoulders. The next day, Rui had brought two red ribbons and offered to do her hair. He never once judged her for her secret; he understood her. He carefully tied her hair into two pigtails with those ribbons. Then, after school, he took her by the hand and led her to one of the school bathrooms, making her stand in front of the mirror, the very thing she had always struggled to face. He told her how beautiful she looked as she gazed at her reflection, making her feel like a real girl for the first time. Mizuki felt tears prickle at her eyes and she hid her face deeper into Nene's shoulder.
"I wish I had noticed sooner." Mizuki lifted her head from Nene's shoulder as she said this wistfully, then she gently pulled Nene's face away from her shoulder and cupped her face, "If I did, I promise I would've stopped him." Tears fell freely from Mizuki's eyes, blinking to will them away but they continued dropping nonetheless. It was hard to keep composure as the weight of it all came crashing down on her, her smile wobbly, "I would've stopped him...!"
Nene's tired eyes looked into Mizuki's glassy ones, "That wasn't your problem to begin with..." Nene sighed as she continued staring into Mizuki's eyes. "He's dead. And nothing will bring him back."
Mizuki didn't know what to say. She didn't even know what caused her to even comfort this girl. Typically, she was so sick of life she wouldn't care about anyone around her but at least she had Rui to make those boring days a little brighter. Now, he was gone. Mizuki let her arms fall to her sides as she stared at Nene, not knowing what to say.
Just then, another ambulance arrived at the scene. The paramedics carefully placed Rui's body onto the stretcher before draping him with a blanket. Mizuki watched Nene break down again, but this time, she didn't try to stop her. Nene screamed and cried, desperate to see Rui one last time, struggling against the people restraining her as she wailed. And all Mizuki could do was watch helplessly.
One year later.
A year had passed since Rui's death. Mizuki and Nene had just started their first year at Kamiyama High but it all still felt like Rui's death happened yesterday. Time was a strange construct... At this point in time, Mizuki stood beside Nene in front of Rui's grave, her hands tucked into the pockets of her cardigan. The flowers (which were roses and sunflowers) they'd brought rested neatly against the stone, their colours standing out against the muted grey of the morning. The cemetery was quiet, the breeze was crisp, not too cold, it was the perfect autumn weather. While Nene adjusted the flowers, Mizuki checked the GC on Nightcord.
During their grieving, Nene and Mizuki slowly became friends. Nene was also the person besides her family to know about Mizuki's secret and Nene supported her wholeheartedly while helping her transition. Eventually, they found two other girls in similar situations. Minori Hanasato and Honami Mochizuki. Minori had always admired the idol Haruka Kiritani, and her admiration had fueled her determination to keep pursuing her own dream of becoming an idol. But after Haruka publicly quit and Minori was humiliated during an audition, she finally gave up. All she could do was talk about Haruka and dwell on all the what ifs. Honami, meanwhile, had become estranged from her childhood friends. One of them was chronically ill, and the situation had gradually driven the four of them apart until they slowly drifted away from each other. Eventually, the four girls decided to come together and create a group chat called "Hobbyists." There, they could talk about the things they loved, share their interests, and most importantly, wonder about all the possibilities of what could have been.
Anyways, the GC had just two people talking at the moment, Honami and Minori. They were probably getting ready for school while texting. Mizuki and Nene always left the house an hour early to visit Rui's grave and talk beside it. The cemetery was quite serene in the mornings, so it was a good opportunity for them to have some quiet time together. Over time, it began to feel as though Rui was still there, sitting between them, invisible but smiling along with their conversations. That thought comforted both of them.
M: I'm looking through all of Haruka-chan's old videos again... 🥹💖
M: She's just so beautiful and bright. How can someone be that amazing?!
M: I really don't understand why she had to leave...
M: I miss her so much. I wish I could see her perform one last time...
🍎 Apple Pie: She really did seem to light up whenever she was on stage.
M: RIGHT?! 😭😭
M: That's exactly what I mean!!
Mizuki smiled, how typical of Minori... Mizuki was startled from her scrolling on the GC to Nene telling her to place the last newest decoration they had bought, a blue rose wreath. Mizuki tucked her phone away into her pocket and took the wreath, crouching down next to Nene to set the wreath on the headstone. Nene sighed, smiling fondly, "I wasn't enough for him you know..." Nene slid her thumb across Rui's name on the headstone, catching grime on the thumb as she continued, "I really wish I had done more to help him, I wish I could've done more to be enough, I would've done anything for him... But he wouldn't give me that chance..." Nene zoned out for a bit then raised her hands in prayer as Mizuki just studied her. Mizuki didn't really believe in a God but she knew Rui did to an extent. However, he did tell her that though he was losing faith, he still believed in God making it better for him. Mizuki rolled her eyes at the thought, if God was so powerful why couldn't he heal Rui?
Even so, Nene had been struggling with feeling guilty for months and Mizuki, if anything, wanted to help her feel better, so she nudged her, snapping her out of prayer, "Hey, Nene. You know, if you weren't enough for him, then I wasn't either." Nene looked at Mizuki, then looked down, tugging at a daisy and ripping the petals off slowly, "I don't know what he was missing... I don't know what would've made him complete, I-"
"You were his completion!"
Mizuki suddenly pulled a worn green notebook from her cardigan pocket. It was Rui's notebook. Dried blood still stained the cover, but somehow it had survived that day. Nonetheless, how the hell did Mizuki acquire it? Nene stared at it, her eyes widening. "Mizuki..." She snatched the notebook from her hands, tears already gathering in her eyes. "How the hell did you get this?!" Mizuki simply stuck out her tongue.
Thwack. Nene swatted the notebook straight across Mizuki's face.
"Ow! Okay, okay!" Mizuki rubbed her cheek with a pout. "It was left behind when the paramedics took Rui away. The police would've taken it eventually, but they were busy dealing with a fight that broke out nearby. Everyone else was..." She hesitated before glancing at Nene. "...occupied."
Thwack. "Neneeee...!" Mizuki whined.
Nene glared at her.
"Fine, fine." Mizuki let out a small laugh. "I managed to sneak over and grab it. Rui would've loved watching me pull that off. We were pretty notorious for getting into trouble back in middle school..." Her voice gradually faded. The smile on her face faltered as tears welled in her eyes, "...I really miss him." She looked up at the sky, blinking rapidly until the tears retreated, then wiped the corners of her eyes with her sleeve. "Anyway..." Mizuki gently took the notebook back from Nene and began flipping through the worn, slightly bloody, pages. "Most of it's just sketches, ideas for shows, and random drafts. He wrote quite a bit about Waiting for Godot... I don't know, he liked that one a lot..." She continued turning the pages until her fingers stopped, "...Here it is." Mizuki looked over at Nene, "It's about you."
Nene,
I wish I could be with you, but I just can't. I don't want to hurt you. You're already successful in another troupe, and I'd just be taking that away from you. I just fuck everything in my life up all the time. But I really wish I could be with you. You complete me. I just wish... if there was one wish I could have, if someone asked me who I would be with for the rest of my life, I think it would be you. I love you, Nene. I don't know if you'll ever see this, but if you do, I really do love you. I'm sorry I had to leave, maybe I'll try getting in touch one day, but I love you :)
— Rui
Nene hugged the notebook tightly against her chest, "I love you too, Rui..." Tears fell onto the ground in front of his grave as she held onto the book with all her strength, "Why couldn't you live longer to see that day...? We could've been together forever..." Mizuki draped an arm around Nene and rested her head against hers in an attempt to comfort her. She rubbed Nene's shoulder as she cried. "He must be so cold, Mizuki... I wish I could make it warmer for him." Mizuki smiled softly, "Then let's hug him..."
The two girls wrapped their arms around the headstone. Nene cried tears of relief and joy, one hand resting against the stone while the other still clutched Rui's notebook tightly against her chest. Mizuki rested her cheek against the top of the headstone, warmth filling her chest as memories of Rui came rushing back, "I wonder what his last seven minutes were..." Mizuki mumbled, lost in her memories. Nene giggled softly, "I wonder myself. But that's for him to know." Nene adjusted the wreath as she smiled, "Even then... I hope they were nice memories. I hope he felt at peace thinking about them... if something like that was real, at least."
Nene looked at the entry in the notebook again, her fingers affectionately tracing the messy handwriting, "I am just glad I have a piece of him."