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According to Hirose’s phone, the time read 6:00. This meant that three hours had passed since he got broken up with, two hours since he exchanged contact information with Nakamura, and only an hour since Hirose sent his first text to him. The latter just replied back with an emoji and nothing else, but he was taken aback by how quick he responded. Then again, when he put in his LINE ID earlier, it didn’t seem like there were many contacts in his phone other than his mom and sister, so maybe it wasn’t a surprise that he’d text back right away.
He dropped his phone on the bed as he laid flat on the mattress. The tickets to the movie his sister got for him and Sakamoto were starting to crumple slightly, the whirlwind of emotions from the day making his hands clench every time he thought about them. He couldn’t make heads or tails of anything. In all honesty, he was still confused from what happened last month when she asked him out.
“I-I like you, Hirose-kun.” The voice of Sakamoto Hana carried in the empty classroom as she held out what looked like homemade chocolates to him. “If…if it’s not too much to ask, do you want to go out with me?”
“Huh?”
That was the first time anyone had asked him out, let alone mentioned that they liked him. He didn’t even really know her all too well. They were in the same room once or twice for some council meetings, so perhaps that was the start? Or maybe he picked up something she dropped and then she somehow developed feelings for him? That’s usually what causes people to get crushes on other people, right? Takeuchi always droned on about how attractive Yuuka was and how much he liked her despite her never giving him the time of day, so maybe it was normal.
Looking at her, it was clear that she was a pretty girl. Her strawberry blonde hair was slightly wavy, and she stood around the same height as he did, so he could see straight into those eyes that refused to look in his direction.
“You like…me? Since when? And why?”
Sakamoto blinked up at him. Her sweet voice just giggled. “Ever since we talked at the council meetings, I’ve liked you.” Ah, so he was right in that regard. “I can’t really explain why because it’s not something you can put into words, but isn’t that enough?”
Is it enough? Is that all it takes to like someone? To talk to them and to be around them? The answer didn’t make sense to him, though frankly, none of it made sense to him. Why him? What was so special about him that made her like him specifically? She didn’t have an answer but maybe that’s how it was. Besides, the teary look in her eyes as he took his time deliberating if he should break her heart on Valentine’s Day of all days was getting to him. He didn’t want to be that asshole who hurt a girl when he didn’t have any reason to. So, he didn’t like her-like her, but he would. In time. “Yeah, yeah, it is.” He tapped the top of his shoe on the ground, twisting it this way and that. “Sure, I’ll go out with you.”
“Really?” Her eyes shone like stars, almost like if he stared long enough into them, he would get lost in them. That being said, they were a little too intense for his liking. Well, the only other person he knew who was just as intense was Nakamura, and the way his eyes lit up when he began rambling about his interests didn’t make him feel as uneasy as hers did.
No, he shouldn’t feel uneasy. This was his girlfriend now, after all. Maybe he would grow to like her as they dated, and then this feeling would go away. It happened in real life all the time, so why couldn’t it apply to him? That way, he could finally understand what the guys would talk about when it came to gushing over girls and how soft and delicate and pretty they were. He could feel like he fit in with them more, rather than feeling like a puzzle piece that was just a bit too big despite the fact that it should fit.
She grabbed his hands with her own, holding them up. “Then, I’ll call you Aiki-kun!”
Hirose laughed awkwardly. Her grip was too light. It was like she was expecting him to stay in her hold despite how easily he could slip right through her fingers. “O-okay, Sakamoto.”
She pouted, dropping his hands. “Eh? You’re not going to call me by my first name?” She clung to his arm as a smile graced her features. “Well, that’s okay, we just started dating. I’m sure you will eventually!”
He had to admit that her confidence was impressive, but he couldn’t muster the same enthusiasm as he nodded in lieu of an answer.
The conversation was still fresh in his mind. How could someone forget the first person who asked them out? But it wasn’t like he really cared enough to remember, as bad as that sounds. He didn’t want to disappoint her by saying no at the time, and he hoped that he could grow to like her, but he just ended up wasting both their times in the end as her clinginess and insistence on seeing him all the time wore on him. If he was truly honest, she was getting to be nearly as annoying as Matsumura was about seeing him.
She was his girlfriend, so why couldn’t he at least be excited to see her or hang out with her when she dragged them out to cafes or on dates? Why couldn’t he like her?
Perhaps she was right when she cried to him behind the school earlier about how uninterested he was in the relationship and how boring he was. He couldn’t really defend himself because what was he supposed to do? He tried to be invested in the cutesy things she liked and take photos with her like they were a lovey-dovey couple, but it all felt fake. And when she kissed him a few days ago instead of just hugging him goodbye, it felt wrong, almost like wearing clothes that were too itchy or too tight. He wasn’t stupid, he knew it wasn’t normal for a guy to feel that way when a pretty girl kissed them. He told Takeuchi and Mukai about the kiss after school, and they—well, mostly Takeuchi—acted like he won the jackpot. Congratulations and slaps on the back were what he got, but he just dreaded what would happen from there. Would he have to initiate the kiss next time, even though his body was giving him warning signals like he was in danger? Would he have to take it a step further eventually? If they dated long enough, would he have to smile and get down on one knee for her? He knew he was getting too ahead of himself, but the expectations being placed on him were too much. He was glad when she pulled him aside and broke it off, loathe as he was to admit that out loud.
Although, he did tell Nakamura the truth, how he truly felt about it. And what did he say in response?
“Charming, huh?”
Hirose didn’t really expect Nakamura to comfort him after the breakup, nor did he try to make him do so, but hearing that she was missing out on how “charming” he was was difficult to ignore. He didn’t think Takeuchi, Mukai, or even Oomori would call him that, and they’ve known him the longest. Hell, even Sakamoto didn’t call him that, not even while they were dating.
Maybe he was waiting for Nakamura to say something else, to elaborate on that, because why him? What was so charming about him that Sakamoto couldn’t see it but his friend could? They didn’t hang out together nearly as much, and yet Nakamura was confident enough to say that not only was he charming for some reason, but that Hirose could rely on him whenever he felt like it.
The tickets in his hand were unbearably scrunched by now, but in a split-second decision, he smoothed them out and took a photo of them. Twenty minutes later, Nakamura had agreed to a movie date.
Er, scratch that thought, a movie hangout.
And nearly fifteen hours and too many outfit changes later that Hirose refused to acknowledge because he didn’t even try this hard for Sakamoto led him to the nearby movie theater.
It didn’t take long for him to spot Nakamura, even though he’s only ever seen him in his school uniform. The tan jacket with the green shirt and matching tan pants shouldn’t have worked on anyone, but his naturally sharp eyes and, infuriatingly, model-like proportions helped a lot. He noticed Nakamura checking the time on his phone, so he didn’t pinpoint that Hirose was standing right behind him. With a smirk, he pulled out his phone and dialed his friend, the latter of whom freaked out when he saw the caller ID. Holding in his laughter, he finally made his presence known.
The way he was looking at Hirose took him aback. As opposed to having the stars shining in his own eyes, it was Hirose himself who hung the stars in the sky, and Nakamura’s eyes were just reflecting that. As opposed to uneasiness, it was like he was being taken apart bit by bit by the boy in front of him. If he looked any harder, he was sure his boring—no, not boring, charming—insides would be revealed to him. That wasn’t really something he wanted to contemplate at 11:00 in the morning in the middle of a semi-crowded movie theater. So he placed his hands behind his neck and smiled up at Nakamura.
“Want to get drinks?”
Thankfully, it only took ten minutes to get their drinks and popcorn. They slid into their seats, Hirose casually plopping himself down with the large popcorn bucket in one hand and his drink in the other. Nakamura, on the other hand, looked like he was seconds away from fleeing, his eyes darting away from Hirose’s gaze. They almost seemed forlorn compared to how awestruck they just were.
Determined to cheer Nakamura up, Hirose took a bite of popcorn, pushing the bucket closer to his friend. The despondent look faded as it was replaced by a confused one. “Share, share.” At the lack of response, he added on. “I can’t eat all of this by myself.”
Nakamura flushed—at least, Hirose thought his face looked a little red—his hand robotically reaching over to grab a small handful. Hirose smiled as he talked with Nakamura a bit before the movie started, but his thoughts were elsewhere. Sakamoto had led him to the movies once, claiming they had to watch a “romantic movie since they were a couple.” It wasn’t his typical genre of choice, but since they were a couple, that’s what they had to do…right? Besides, he noticed as he and Nakamura walked in that most of the pairs there were either girls or couples, so they stood out like sore thumbs. That was the case with the last romance movie he watched with her, too. During the movie, she whispered to him about how cute the couple was on screen and how similar they were to that couple. Not to mention, she would make sure to have their hands touched and interlocked, even though he was just trying to reach over for the shared popcorn bucket. It wasn’t like she was a bad person by any means, but the insistence on doing couples activities was overwhelming and grating. He didn’t really enjoy the romance movie anyway, but his sister bought him tickets for another one regardless, thinking that this is what couples do when they’re together. Watch cute romance movies in a dim theater sharing popcorn while trying to not make it obvious that they want to hold hands…
Well, when he put it like that, it was almost like he was “Sakamoto” and Nakamura was “Hirose” in this situation. Not that they were a couple or anything, but it was awfully similar now that he thought about it.
The lights in the theater dimmed, silencing Hirose’s inner musings and Nakamura’s hushed whispering as he focused entirely on the screen in front of him. What would happen if they both reached for popcorn at the same time and touched hands? Would it be different than it was with her when he would apologize and pull his hand back, only to have it trapped between her slim, manicured fingers?
The movie had stolen most of his attention, the premise genuinely interesting enough that Hirose—and Nakamura, from what he could see—was too laser-focused to even pay attention to what he was doing. He sipped his drink and grabbed a handful of popcorn, noticing that his seatmate was mindlessly reaching over to grab some without looking away from the screen. He pivoted back to the movie. He wasn’t seriously thinking about them touching hands, was he? Nakamura was a great guy, but he wasn’t into him in that way…no, that wasn’t an avenue he could bring himself to explore.
“I’ve actually…wanted to be close for a while.” The female lead wrung her hands together awkwardly as she sat in front of the male lead. “If you don’t mind, w-would you be my first friend?”
If Hirose didn’t know any better, he would think the director eavesdropped on the way Nakamura asked Hirose to be his friend months ago back on the school trip and used it in the movie. Looking back, he remembered how stunned he was that someone had asked to be his friend, of all things. And with how Nakamura worded his confession, for lack of better words, at the time, he almost thought the latter was asking him out romantically…
It was eerily similar to the events playing out in the explicitly romantic movie in front of them, no doubt about that.
The end credits rolled before Hirose could deliberate on those thoughts, the ending scene bringing tears to both his and Nakamura’s eyes as they exited the theater and slipped into a quiet diner. He gushed about the scenes in the movie to Nakamura, the latter agreeing and pointing out the things he enjoyed as well as they chewed on their meals. It was interesting how, despite the calm and sometimes funny gestures Nakamura made as he rambled on about the movie, Hirose didn’t mind them as much as he did when it came to Sakamoto laughing and smiling as he himself did a lot of the rambling. Then, as if she got bored of hearing him talk, she would point to something else they could do that was more “couple-y,” and who was he to say no to that?
Maybe that meant he didn’t mind seeing a romantic movie with Nakamura.
Hirose frowned. His thoughts were getting a little jumbled today, huh? He shouldn’t continue thinking this way. Not about a friend, let alone a guy friend. It was probably that he had more fun seeing a movie with Nakamura than his ex-girlfriend.
Well, that thought process wasn’t much better, either.
And like an overfilled glass, those thoughts spilled out in front of him. Instead of the stuttering mess he assumed Nakamura would be, he just looked off to the side and asked why, why him. What made Nakamura different enough that Hirose didn’t mind seeing a romantic movie with him and wouldn’t mind doing it again? Perhaps they were quite similar when it came to genuine connection and honesty—both uneasy, unsure, and unsettled.
“What’s charming about me?”
It had been nearly an hour since he dragged Nakamura around the park and only a few minutes since he nearly gave into sleep before recalling the question that haunted Hirose’s thoughts since the moment Nakamura uttered those words yesterday. It was like he was desperate to hear the answer, and now that the question was finally out in the open, to the latter’s surprise, he wouldn’t have to be so bugged by it anymore. He could put to rest what the other said about him in a way that wasn’t nearly as friendly as he assumed it was meant to come across.
“H-huh?”
Hirose leaned forward, looking Nakamura directly in the eyes. “I mean, you called me charming. I was wondering what you meant by that.”
“W-well…”
“What? Man, you’re no fun…”
“Aiki-kun, I thought you were more interesting before we started dating…”
All he was ever told by people that truly got to know him was that he was “boring” or “uninteresting”. To most people, they would enjoy his company, but as time wore on and his personality would shine through, they would get tired of him and move onto someone more exciting. So, he tried to mold himself into the person they wanted him to be—mischievous but not too unruly; childish but willing to talk about girls in ways they would hate to hear; silly but not too much that he would never be taken seriously; and dumb but not idiotic enough to make his parents fret over his grades. Too much or too little of anything was bad, so he became malleable, shaped by others into their own visions for what they expected of him. What they expected and saw was what they got. Takeuchi and Mukai wanted a typical guy who leered at pretty girls and gamed with them on weekends; Oomori wanted a calm but dependable childhood friend who would get along with his family; Sakamoto wanted a boisterous and loving boyfriend who would dote on her and be intimate with her. But no one really asked what he wanted.
That is, aside from Nakamura.
“Don’t go…” Nakamura had said all that time ago in Yokohama as the sun was setting on the horizon. His destination—the ferris wheel, where he was expected to be present as Takeuchi and Mukai’s “Hirose Aiki”. “You don’t have to force yourself to go.”
“That girl… She just doesn’t know how charming you are.” When Nakamura spoke softly to him as if he was unsure if he should even be admitting what he was saying. “That girl”, the one wanting him to act as her version of “Hirose Aiki”.
“I hope you’ll talk to me again. You can tell me anything. If you ever want to talk to me. I mean, if you feel like it.” Said between labored breaths as Nakamura closed in on himself, pleading that Hirose didn’t have to hold back when it came to him, that he could be his true, unfiltered self; that he could truly be Hirose Aiki.
And, because of his hope that perhaps Nakamura would be unlike the rest of them, he dared to ask—what about him made it so that Nakamura wanted Hirose for who he truly was and not for what he pretended to be, if that’s what Nakamura was implying? What made him want to step out of his comfort zone and approach Hirose with the intent to know him as him? What exactly did Nakamura find appealing in Hirose that nobody else could or ever wanted to before?
“E-everything!” Nakamura screamed in response as if the answer was unwillingly ripped out of his mouth. Hirose gasped just as Nakamura flushed red enough that it was clear he was blushing. Instead of the response he expected like “well, you’re so friendly” or “you always have a smile on your face” or things like that…what was he supposed to make of “everything”? What did that mean? What was “everything” to Nakamura? Just “everything” about Hirose was charming?
“Everything…” Just thinking about that word alone was making Hirose himself blush. He laughed to hide it, but he wasn’t sure if Nakamura noticed how poorly he was handling the sudden spike of heat in his cheeks. Forget friends, even Sakamoto couldn’t manage to affect him nearly as much as Nakamura was right then and there. Nakamura floundered as Hirose laughed. The poor guy looked as if he wanted to be anywhere else but here, yet he also seemed perfectly content sitting next to Hirose on a park bench on a sunny afternoon. The dichotomy was both hilarious—really, most things Nakamura did or said were too funny, it was a shame people couldn’t see that—and also a bit pitiful.
Hirose sat up straighter as he smiled at Nakamura who was still stuttering from his exclamation before. “You really are a nice guy, Nakamura.”
His friend paused, the forlorn look from earlier etched onto his face. “I wouldn’t say that…”
Hirose frowned. Maybe he felt a little defensive on Nakamura’s behalf, but he couldn’t let that pessimistic remark slide. “No, you are. I wouldn’t be so honest with anyone else but you. In a way, it’s like everyone wants something from me or for me to be a certain way, except for you. It’s nice…”
Hirose bit his tongue. That wasn’t exactly what he meant to say. The feelings behind them, however, were intentional—he truly did feel that way. In a way, his thoughts and feelings that he didn’t even realize were there had stumbled out of him in only one sentence without any input on his part. It seemed like he truly couldn’t hide anything from Nakamura. Speaking of, Nakamura, on the other hand, was completely dumbfounded.
With a deep breath and a sigh that looked as if it took years off his life, Nakamura spoke quietly, attempting to make direct eye contact with Hirose despite how much it seemed like he would rather hide. “W-when I said everything…there really was too much to say. I-I guess…I like you just the way you are…” With each word, Nakamura’s voice grew quieter, though it was loud enough that Hirose couldn’t ignore the blaring sign that Nakamura was definitely into him in a very non-platonic way. Hirose was also having trouble ignoring the other blaring warning signals going off in his mind about the fact that maybe that was why he and Sakamoto didn’t work out and no girl ever will.
“Honesty is the best policy,” he had said to Nakamura at the aquarium. Those words were used against him that very same day, yet he himself couldn’t even manage to follow that afterwards. The way he kept forcing himself to fit into the shoes that other people wanted him to fill, the way he kept smiling as if doing all of that wasn’t wearing him down bit by bit until he became a shell of himself, it was all dishonest. And until now, he supposed, he was dishonest about how he saw Nakamura—the one person who never put him in a box that he couldn’t break out of—as only a friend.
When did that start? Maybe the breakup caused these feelings to develop due to the space in his heart for love being empty—not that it really was filled much in the first place—but that couldn’t be right. He knew he had his eye on Nakamura since the start of the school year. His cool and intimidating exterior gave off vibes that made him feel untouchable and unapproachable. Yet, like when anyone is told not to do something, it only makes them want to do it more, so Hirose tried to gauge how to talk to him.
The first incident with the handkerchief and the art class got them off on the wrong foot, his mind labeling Nakamura as the kind of person he portrayed himself to be and that maybe he wasn’t worth the curiosity and effort. But then he saw Nakamura stammer and lie through his teeth about the BL manga when he approached him in the bookstore, and then Hirose knew he had done the same as other people had done to him—placed him in a box without looking inside to see if there was more than just what was on the outside of it. From Nakamura rambling about his bratty sister, protecting Hirose from those men, stuttering about wanting to be closer to him in Yokohama, teasing him about the ghosts in the school at night, and listening to Hirose earnestly about everything from drinking something he recommended offhandedly to his feelings about how isolated he felt from his friends after the aquarium, it was surprising how oblivious Hirose was to not only how he felt, but how Nakamura had been acting towards and what he felt towards Hirose.
Hirose bit his lip, the blood rushing from his head to his cheeks. The possibility of these feelings that had been lying dormant inside of him all along but he just couldn’t put a name to them was undeniable. Feelings of appreciation, comfort, and love…no, perhaps, that’s too strong of a word. Yet “like” doesn’t completely fit, either. Just like how he and Nakamura don’t fit into the boxes that society and peers put them in, he can’t exactly place these feelings into one specific category, but he had an idea of what he could do with these ineffable feelings.
Hirose steeled himself as he stood up, making Nakamura freeze in place. Pulling the keychain he had prepared for a while out of his pocket, he held it up in front of him. The latter blinked, not quite sure what he was looking at, so Hirose gently grabbed Nakamura’s hands and placed the octopus keychain in them, using his fingers to close the other’s fingers around it.
“W-what is this?” Nakamura stared at the keychain, as if looking into Hirose’s eyes would give away anything more than his words already had.
Hirose tapped the top of his shoe on the ground. “I thought you’d like it, so I got it for you…”
“For…for me? Thank you… But…why?” Nakamura’s eyes welled up with tears. “Is it a thank you for the keychain and pen? Or because I helped you with those men that time?” He looked up at Hirose, those normally intense and deep-set eyes red at the corners with tears still left to be shed. “What does this mean?”
“Ah, um, well.” It wasn’t like Hirose to stutter, but Nakamura seemed to be the only one capable of bringing his embarrassing parts to the surface. “I just wanted to… Ah, I can’t really say why I did it at the time, but I know now.” Nakamura tilted his head in confusion, giving Hirose ample time to lean down and plant a kiss on his cheek.
If he had known the feeling of kissing someone, even if it was just a faint touch of his lips on Nakamura’s cheek, was meant to feel as electrifying and pleasant as that, he wouldn’t have wasted all that time with Sakamoto. Like a magnet, he was drawn towards the other. Thinking back, it really was like that. Despite Nakamura’s awkwardness or social reclusiveness, he kept being drawn towards him until he was stuck in his orbit, wanting more of those eyes that now bore such intense likeness and, dare he say, love for Hirose that it was making him dizzy.
“W-w-w-wha-?!” Nakamura blinked rapidly as he lightly pressed his fingers to the cheek Hirose kissed, intelligible words not coming to the surface.
Hirose scrambled to sit back down, turning away from his…friend? Can someone even consider a person they feel less-than-platonic feelings for and kissed not even seconds ago just a friend? He didn’t even look over when Nakamura gently turned Hirose’s upper body towards him. The expression on his face was of a mixture of emotions, most of which consisted of immense desperation.
“Is this… No, can I have hope?”
“Hope?”
It was like Nakamura was on the verge of full-on crying at this point. If Hirose were anyone else, he’d be put off by the thought, but he was used to a lot of Nakamura’s eccentricities by now. “Do you like me the way I like you, Hirose Aiki?”
Words didn’t come to Hirose easily, especially not in cases like these. He was able to move past Sakamoto’s confession with a smile and laugh, and that was enough for the both of them. But this…this wasn’t something simple, nor did he want to brush it off like he did with her. Since he couldn’t muster the right words, he put everything he couldn’t say into the kiss that he planted on Nakamura’s lips. Without missing a beat, Nakamura responded in kind, and for the first time in a long while, Hirose understood and felt what Nakamura had meant when he called him “charming”.