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Angel lay in the arms of his boyfriend. His soft purr that Husk so desperately denied didn’t offer the usual comfort he was used to. I mean it sounded the same and felt the same, but Angel couldn't help but question why. The spider wasn’t used to such kindness and comfort, they were in hell after all weren’t they? So this felt almost alien. Almost.
He looked at the bed side table which had a little bedazzled picture frame of Angel and all of his friends. It was one of the few where Husk actually smiled. The cat always says he only smiles if it’s genuine, and when it is, Angel does his best to keep care of it.
But behind the picture and tucked between the strong frame was a very flattened out baggie with a small amount of drugs. The hard stuff. One that Angel took after a particularly long shoot and before the princess prohibited it. And Angel wanted it.
He didn’t know why, nothing bad had happened. In fact it was quite the opposite. He was off work for the day and he was in the arms of someone he loved. It was a great day. And yet Angel wanted to ruin it. He always did anyway. Why not cut to the chase?
The pornstar slowly wriggled out of the cat sinners sleeping grasp, and grabbed the picture before heading to the bathroom.
With the click of the lock Angel examined the photo. It was them on a forced Christmas (or Sinsmas [hell is weird]) celebration that Charlie had done for all the guests to get them in as what she would say “holiday spirit”. Angel would admit, he was pretty reluctant to attend, but with pleading and puppy dog eyes the princess gave him, he eventually gave in. That night he and Husk bonded and one thing led to another and…ya know. And when lying in bed together, panting and exhausted, Husk confessed. And Angel had accepted. It was one of the best things to happen to him in a while.
Angel shook his head, he couldn’t think about that stuff right now, and pried open the pink frame and there it was, a flattened out baggie of drugs behind the photo. He quickly took it out before dumping some of its contents on the sink counter and stared at it. He needed this. He craved it.
But did he? Angel didn’t even want to be high. He sure as hell didn’t want to ruin his progress, but this is what he’s always done.
Try to get clean, have better mental health, get away from Val, be a good person. But each time he makes an effort to do something to better himself, something always screws it up. As of getting clean, Val would take notice and make him do worse and worse shoots till Angel has no choice but to snort and line and give in. Mental health…was always a hard one. And getting away from Val would always have him crawling back one way or another. And finally, being a good person is something Angel would try to achieve, but know it isn’t realistic. He was in hell after all.
And he was there for a reason.
Soon enough, the pornstar would get addicted to this cycle of self destruction. He wanted it to get worse, his whole brand was drug addicted whore. Why not get back in character?
Angel flinched as he heard a loud knock on the door.
“Angel?” Husk asked through the wood, “Are you alright? You’ve been in there for a while kid.”
Angel quickly inhaled the three lines he prepared before sweeping all of the drugs back into the baggie, not wasting a hint of powder and responded, “Yeah I’m all good kitty! Just wait a sec!”
Angel quickly flushed the toilet and turned on the faucet to show that he just needed to use the restroom. As he waited for the flush to finish he sank down to the floor and let the high take him. God he missed this feeling. He did this to himself. The withdrawal afterwards is going to suck ass, but it’s fine. He’s in control now. He decided when to get fucked up.
But was it worth it? Ruining what he had done already and for what? He wanted to get worse, to ruin himself again, and he surely got it. All for the feeling of control over a situation where he already barely has any? All for ten million other stupid reasons that he was way too fucking tired to unpack.
Angel shut his eyes tight and squeezed his fingernails into his many arms. What had he done?
Then he heard something, a voice that sounded far too familiar and way too close to him for comfort.
You did this to yourself amorcito…You did what was right. You’re nothing without all of this, the drugs, the depression, being the broken whore like you are.
“V-Val?” Angel said.
You wouldn’t know what to do if you changed, wouldn't you? You were always like this and knew what to do to cope. It’s what you’ve known for years and years. And getting clean means you have to face whatever's left under the mask. And you’re scared that if you peer behind it, nothing would be left.
But actually getting better? It’s new…It’s scary. And you’re too weak to change anyway. Why try?
It’s your brand. You were always going to have to fall back into it at one point. You’re addicted to falling back. And you know you deserve it. You signed the contract. You put yourself here. And now look at you. Lying in a pool of your own self hatred and self destruction.
“No no no. Stop,” Angel said, progressively getting louder with every word, “I’m just high! It’s not real! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!”
Angelcakes
Amorcito…
Angel…
Angel!
ANGEL!
Angel dust felt someone touch on his shoulder making him scream in terror as he desperately tried to scramble away from the mystery guest. His back hit something hard and he could feel the bruises almost forming right there on his skin. God did someone hit him? Is Val here? Oh fuck it’s Val. It’s always Val.
“NO! Don’t fucking touch me!” Angel yelled.
Husk recoiled in surprise, taking his hand back as he stared at the shaking form of his boyfriend. Angel’s breathing was in laboured panting as tears started to flow down his face. Angel kept his hands over his head in a protective way and didn’t dare to look at the cat. Husk took a deep breath and refrained from going closer to the spider, letting him have the space he wanted.
“Angel?” Husk said softly, “You’re at the hotel. It’s just me I swear. I won’t touch you. I won’t hurt you. It’s just the two of us. It’s Husk.”
Angel didn’t say anything, but seemed to listen a little more carefully. He still squeezed his fingernails into his arms, drawing a few small pricks of blood from his skin and slightly dyeing his white fur. And Husk took notice of it, he always has.
“Okay kid. I’m gonna push the toilet paper roll towards you and I want you to squeeze it as hard as you can. Just don’t hurt your arms no more.”
Angel nodded and Husk slowly peeled off the roll and gently pushed it towards his boyfriend. Angel grabbed it and squeezed it like a life line, his fingers dug into the soft paper and he held it close to his body.
“Alright, good. Your breathing’s a little shaky legs. Can you do it with me?” Husk asked.
Angel nodded once more and followed Husk's breathing. Inhale for four. Hold for two. And exhale for eight. Repeat. Over and over Husk kept breathing with him and waited patiently for it to steady and Angel’s panic subside. They were together with every breath.
And soon enough it did.
Angel’s breathing returned to normal and his panic washed away with the grounding force of his boyfriend with him. The pornstar willed himself to open his eyes to see Husk who greeted him gently with the warm smile Angel was so familiar with. Husk didn’t say anything, but reached out his paw to Angel. And he gladly took it.
And wiped away his tears with his bottom set of hands, “Thanks whiskas’.”
“No problem kid.” Husk said, “You mind if I scoot closer?”
Angel quickly grabbed his other paw and pulled him into his chest, wrapping his arms around him. Husk nuzzled into Angel’s chest fluff with a sigh and placed a small kiss on his collarbone. Making Angel feel himself melt into the sweet touch.
“You wanna talk about this?” Husk asked.
Angel thought for a moment and slowly started to speak, “Have you ever wanted to get worse?”
Husk frowned in confusion, “Can’t say I know what you mean.”
“Like you wanna hurt all the progress you’ve made. Go back to square one or some shit. Make everything good into something bad again.”
“I mean, I've stayed in the same bad spot for a shit long time. But undoing things isn’t something I’m totally familiar with,” Husk admitted, “Do you know why you do this?”
Angel sighed and ran a hand through his hair, “I-I don’t know. I just-” Angel took a deep breath before willing himself to get through with the conversation, “There’s many factors. I mean when I was with Val, between the love bombing and abuse there was the waiting. The agonizingly slow waiting for it to unravel and for me to get hurt all over again.”
Husk nodded through his speech, listening to every word the spider said.
“And like…I knew what to do I guess? I was used to it and I knew how to cope and his triggers and how to live through it,” Angel looked down at his boyfriend, “But with you, you don’t do that. You don’t hurt me like he has, you never have. And now my stupid fucking head is stuck in the waiting for something bad to happen and I’m thinking why not get it over with ya know? Because if I ruin it…at least I have some feeling of control.”
“And the danger of abuse is gone with you and I’m thrust into something different that’s new and scary and not at all what I’m used to. I don’t know what to do and that terrifies me. And to add a cherry on top, the hotel’s hella fucking nice too! And I wasn’t used to people actually caring!”
Angel felt tears prick his eyes again, “A-And I put myself here. I deserved it all. It’s my brand, it's who I am! And if I can’t do that…If I can’t be broken. Then what am I?”
Husk reached up his paw and wiped away his tears gently, caressing his face. He took a deep sigh and waited for a few moments, just to make sure he had finished talking.
“You’re my boyfriend. You’re Cherri’s best friend and Fat Nuggets dad. You’re a candidate for redemption to get into heaven. You were Pentious’s comrade during the battle with the exorcists. You are something everyone in this hotel cares about. And you’re more than what that pimp val wants you to be,” Husk said.
“And I know that sounds cheesy as fuck, but it’s true. You’re an angel, baby. And angels sure as hell don’t belong here to deal with all the shit you’ve gone through,” Husk continued.
Angel blushed furiously, “Stop it Husk!” he glared, but there was no real bite in it.
Husk just laughed and sank back down into the spider's fluffy chest. They sat there in silence, just hearing each other breathe. Enjoying the little moments with each other. The moments that were so hard to find in a literal hell. Angel broke the silence.
“Thanks Husk,” he whispered before kissing the shell of the cat’s ear, making it twitch.
Husk smiled, “Of course Angel.”
Angel shifted and grabbed his back in pain, “Fuck my back hurts,” he said.
“Yeah, you hit the cabinets when you moved away from me earlier.”
Angel smiled in relief, no one hit him, his stupid ass just bumped into the cabinets. Husk slowly stood and got off of Angel's fluff. Angel whined at the lack of touch. But Husk only chuckled and reached out his hand to help his boyfriend up.
“Yeah, yeah I know. But it’s getting late and we gotta sleep. Do you want anything?” Husk asked.
Angel thought for a moment before his eyes lit up, “Can we cuddle?”
Husk wrapped an arm around Angel’s waist as they walked back to bed, “ ‘Course we can.”
Angel lay down on his plush, pink bed as Husk tucked him in under the covers, making Angel blush furiously. He wasn’t used to sweet offers like that, it was nice to know that someone cared. Husk lay next to him and held him close. Angel breathed in the smell of Husk’s fur, whiskey and whatever the hell the bar smelt like. At their first meeting the combination of the scents smells foul, but over time Angel got used to it and soon enough he learned to love it.
Angel smiled gently and looked towards his lover, “I love you, ya know that?”
Husk smiled back, “I know. And I love ya too kid.”
“I love ya too.”