Work Text:
When it happened, the only thing Aaron said was, “Okay.”
What else could he have said after all the words he’d been fearing were verbalised, after Kevin had listed all his reasons? Begged him to stay? Told him to forget about his Exy career, the one thing he had been working all his life towards, the one thing he had left of his mother, the one thing that had practically caused them to become whatever this was in the first place?
He wouldn’t do that. He couldn’t. He stared into Kevin’s green eyes, saw how determined they were and wondered how his own face looked. Whatever expression he was making, it probably didn’t do justice to how his heart was being crushed, how his mouth wanted so desperately to ask why. But he couldn’t show that.
So Aaron said, “Okay,”, picking up his discarded hoodie from the floor and leaving his room, not even bothering to check if Andrew and Neil were lurking and wiping the taste of Kevin’s lips off his own. When he slipped into the bathroom and stared at his reflection, the hickey on his neck would stubbornly stay as a glaring reminder for weeks, even after lots of ice.
It was Aaron’s senior year. It was good that Kevin had ended things, really. Aaron didn’t need any more distractions, not when he was just about to schedule his MCAT. He had been working towards this his whole life too, and he wouldn’t let Kevin fucking Day ruin it.
Afterwards, he could focus on studying more. Practice was easier, yet harder. He didn’t have Kevin shooting him sly glances, he didn’t have to bite down on his lip under his helmet, he didn’t have to pray blood wouldn’t rush down south when he noticed Kevin watching him.
But he did have to tear his gaze away from Kevin, pretend like he didn’t notice Kevin completely ignoring him, and pretend like he didn’t notice Andrew’s cutting looks. Playing dumb almost always worked, because Andrew was just never interested enough to really care what was really bothering him. It worked this time. Nobody found out about what had happened between him and Kevin. He’d never tell, and he was better off pretending the whole thing was just one long hallucination.
Kevin’s lips ghosting kisses across his hipbones, the bites he’d leave on his chest and neck, his laugh, the feeling of his hair under Aaron’s palms, the sounds he’d make when Aaron worked his fingers just right, the excited ramblings about history. Waking up to the sound of Kevin’s heartbeat, trying not to make a sound when Kevin snuck out of his room, the look on Kevin’s face when Aaron said he wanted to be a doctor and not an Exy player — bewilderment, endearment, visibly holding back a lecture; yes, it was all just a fucking figment of his imagination. He might’ve been clean for years at that point, but drugs had lingering side effects, right? He pretended he didn’t know every inch of Kevin’s room — the history books, the Exy posters, the postcards and memorabilia and photos — and made a point to avoid contact with Kevin as much as possible.
And Aaron was fine. He was completely fine. Kevin ‘breaking up’ with him was just another thoughtless rock thrown his way after years of well-aimed knives. It was nothing he couldn’t get over, not with the help of alcohol and endless hours of studying. He sucked it up, and vowed to never think about Kevin again.
That didn’t bode well. Every night, as he wrote notes and read studies until his eyes watered, all he could think about was the lack of warmth beside him, the silence of the room that was usually punctuated by Exy commentary and Kevin’s snarky comments. The weight of his comforter wrapped around him was not the same as Kevin’s arms.
All he could think of those last few months at Palmetto, and the subsequent months slaving through med school, was the fact that Kevin was not with him, and he was hardly a call away either. He used to play Kevin’s matches on mute while he studied. Kevin’s name was not lost on the tongues of somehow, every single person that walked into every single hospital Aaron did rotations in. It didn’t help that people connected the dots between him and Andrew so quickly.
After shifts, he’d always be invited to a trip to the bar. But Aaron would always shake his head, give a smile, and say that he had too much studying to do. In reality, he preferred not to be surrounded by people who just wanted to pry information about his championship-winning brother, the son of The Butcher and worst of all, the Queen of Exy, out of him. He would have loved to talk about Kevin, just not the picture-perfect version everyone saw on TV. He wondered if anyone else got to see the version of Kevin that had just woken up, or the version of him that had made Aaron fall in the first place — eyes bright and wild, words spewing from his mouth at an almost incomprehensible pace, post-match and freshly showered. Kevin after playing a game, passionately describing every single move he’d made blow-by-blow — that was the man that Aaron recalled so many years later. Not the solemn, gentle man that had described all the ways he couldn’t be with Aaron.
Nearly four years had passed since Kevin had listed all the reasons they couldn’t be together, forgoing eight months of the most happiness Aaron had felt in his whole life, and Aaron still found himself thinking of Kevin when the sports channel was on, when Andrew dropped by to visit, when Nicky whined about meeting up with Allison or Matt and Dan. Because Aaron Michael Minyard had never gotten over anything in his life, let alone considered getting with somebody romantically after Kevin, while all his colleagues were getting married in the Maldives and having children as if they weren’t in extremely deep student debt.
The one time he had tried to put the past behind him and sleep with someone, he couldn’t stop imagining that it was Kevin he was kissing, Kevin that was going down on him, even though it was a girl he was with and the complete opposite of Kevin — platinum blonde hair, blue eyes, pink acrylic nails scraping down his back. He never saw her again after that night, never tried to find a hookup after.
Maybe he was a loser for being unable to forget about Kevin, even after so many years, but who could? Superstar Kevin Day, his model face and model body. (Though, underneath all of his charm and beauty was just a nerd, the nerd that only Aaron was aware of.)
Aaron had spent his whole life wanting, wanting, wanting, and to have someone want him back? He wasn’t going to let go easily, no matter how hard he willed himself to. He just couldn’t help the iron grip he had on Kevin, no matter how much he hated himself for it. He hated Kevin even more. How could he just give Aaron almost everything he’d ever asked for, and just snatch it away?
All this yearning over somebody he could never have, somebody who specifically told him so, had left Aaron with little to no brain space for anything else. He was doing a rotation in emergency medicine. Every day was the same now: wake up, get to the ER and focus on his shift and think about transfusions, sutures, diagnoses, charting, reporting to an attending, then go home and stare at the wall while thinking about how Kevin was probably fucking some girl into a hotel bed a couple thousand miles from him. It was a miracle he didn’t accept people’s invitations to the bar for the sole sake of drowning his sorrows in liquor. It would not be a good impression on his peers.
Because of this, Aaron’s only friends were his twin brother, his cousin and his twin brother’s boyfriend (barely). He had acquaintances, mainly classmates that were on the same rotation shifts as him and the aforementioned people that would invite him out for drinks, but Aaron didn’t really have friends that weren’t his family. This meant a severe shortage of places he could be on the rare Saturdays he was not doing shifts at the hospital, which was how he ended up at a club, for by sheer luck, his clinical rotation had placed him in the same state as Andrew and Neil for the week, with Nicky tagging along.
Aaron slumped against a table with a sugary cocktail in hand, the loud bass of EDM music thumping in his ears. It had been years since he’d stepped foot in a club — memories of the last time he’d done so flashing in his mind as this thought floated into his head.
Kevin grabbing his hand middance and leading him to the bathroom, unbuckling Aaron’s belt and sinking to his knees, Aaron slapping a hand over his mouth to muffle his cries. Aaron blinked himself back into reality and downed the rest of his drink, slamming the glass on the table. He could not go anywhere without the ghost of Kevin haunting him. It was pathetic, really.
“How are your games? I was watching one last night,” Nicky yelled to Andrew over the noise of the club. Andrew just shrugged and gestured at Neil, who began his spiel. Aaron squinted at Neil through the occasional bright light that flashed throughout the place. The way his eyes lit up, how he used his hands to demonstrate, it was all too familiar.
Tonight felt like a good night to get drunk and wallow in the past, so that was exactly what Aaron decided to do. He got up and made his way to the bar, ordering another round of drinks and leaning against the counter as he waited.
It was his last and final year of medical school, and residency interviews began soon. He should be home right now, preparing for the mountain of interviews he’d applied for, but what better way to destress than get as drunk as possible?
The bartender returned with a trayful of drinks and Aaron skilfully manoeuvred back to the table they were occupying. Nicky turned to him and asked, “How’s school?”
“It’s fine. I have my interviews soon.” Aaron answered, selecting a drink and taking a healthy gulp of it. “How’s Erik?”
“He’s good! We’re thinking of visiting Germany again, this month or the next.” Nicky said happily, also grabbing a drink and taking a swig. “Hey, I’m gonna go dance, okay?”
Aaron nodded and watched as Nicky disappeared into the crowd, the music almost loud enough to drown out Aaron’s thoughts of Kevin. He closed his eyes and dropped his forehead on the table.
It was a few weeks shy of four months since the first time Kevin had kissed Aaron. Aaron would never admit to anyone that on that day, he’d taken note of the date and remembered it.
They were at Eden’s Twilight, and Nicky had gone off to chat with Roland, while Andrew and Neil were somewhere outside, smoking. Aaron and Kevin were alone, amidst the throng of people dancing and chatting.
Aaron was sitting across from Kevin and sipping his drink, keeping his eyes down. Kevin was watching him, and Aaron didn’t even notice he had moved until he looked up again. Even four months after he’d confronted his feelings for Kevin, Kevin could still take his breath away.
Kevin was beside him now, using his fingers to tilt Aaron’s chin up. “Can I kiss you?” Kevin said, looking determined and focused, cheeks flushed from the alcohol. Aaron couldn’t help but think of this moment later, when Kevin was ending things, and note how similar his expressions were.
“We’re in public,” Aaron muttered, but he felt himself moving closer. It wasn’t like anyone was going to see, for there were so many people in the club that the air was awfully humid.
Kevin hummed and pressed his lips to Aaron, sliding his hand up to caress his cheek. Aaron slipped his hands into Kevin’s hair, lips twisting into a smile as Kevin let out a soft sigh. Aaron didn’t know if it was drunken courage, but this was the first time Kevin had kissed him outside of their dorm rooms. His heart fluttered at the thought.
Aaron looked up, shaking his head as if the motion could dispel the memory. Andrew and Neil were talking quietly, their hands twined together, lost in their own world despite the rowdiness of the place. Aaron couldn’t look at their lovey-doveyness much longer, so he drained his alcohol and set off into the dance floor, searching for Nicky.
Sweaty bodies pressed against him as he walked through, and he saw Nicky a few feet away, bobbing his head and swaying his body to the beat of the music. He decided against going up to him for now, and settled on swaying his own body to the music.
It was awkward, dancing alone, but he got lost in the movements after a few minutes, feeling dazed from the alcohol and heat. He wished he was capable of having fun, but any semblance of amusement in him had dissipated when Kevin had ‘broken up’ with him. How many fucking things was Kevin going to steal from him?
Aaron shut his eyes tightly and let the music flow over him. He was sick of thinking about Kevin. He’d done it for years on end. It was like pouring salt in a wound when he recalled something Kevin used to say to him, when he watched Kevin’s matches, when Neil or Andrew spoke about him. He had to hide his flinches whenever his name came out of anybody’s mouth. It was tiring.
He missed Kevin, he understood why Kevin ended things — mostly, anyway — he wanted Kevin back, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t fucking hate that man with his whole heart. Kevin had ruined everyone else for him. Aaron would never be able to love someone else after Kevin. He would never be able to love somebody how he loved Kevin. Loves Kevin.
Aaron continued his gauche dancing, not caring if anyone saw, until he felt a tap on his shoulder. He brushed it off, until the person grabbed him by the shoulders. “Aaron, hey, look! It’s Kevin!”
Aaron opened his eyes instantly, sure that he had imagined the words. Nicky was standing behind him with his hands on Aaron’s shoulders, pointing at something to their left. Aaron followed the direction of Nicky’s painted fingernails and found himself looking at the bar that he had just ordered from.
If Aaron wasn’t drunk out of his mind, he would have spluttered at the sight and bolted from the club. Instead, seeing the face he’d imagined in his mind for the past four years, he turned to Nicky and laughed. “Why the fuck would Kevin Day be here?”
Nicky scrunched his brows together. “Why not? He’s right there.”
Aaron fell silent, turning around to face Kevin again. He was there. He was actually there. As if Aaron’s thoughts had manifested him into existence.
A thousand thoughts swirled in his mind. This has to be some sick cosmic joke, Aaron thought, feeling the past five drinks he had had rising in his throat. He clapped a hand to his mouth and tried not to throw up all over Nicky’s shoes. “Are you good?” Nicky asked, raising his voice to be heard over the music.
“I’m fine.” Aaron said, bending over and putting his hands on his knees, his head spinning. “Just drank too much.” He whispered to himself. When Aaron realised that Kevin could see him at any second, he jerked back up and stared at him.
Kevin was leaning against the bar, his wide green eyes roaming across the vast dance floor. He was dressed simply, in a black shirt and jeans. The sweat on his face caused him to glow, his tattoo drawing far too much attention to his stupid cheekbones. When his eyes neared Aaron, Aaron whipped his head around and pushed a hand through his hair roughly.
Kevin, always fucking ruining everything, even this night where he was going to get drunk enough to forget about him. Aaron ignored Nicky’s protests and pushed further back into the crowd, allowing the pushing and shoving of everyone, allowing anything to drown the feelings that were forcing their way into his chest, into his stomach.
Aaron closed his eyes, tears pricking at his eyes as people danced and sang around him. When he was sure the tears wouldn’t fall, he opened his eyes to find Kevin looking directly at him.
Kevin’s mouth was slightly open around a glass (it was clear liquid, on the rocks — vodka. Aaron hated that Kevin’s drink of choice was still on the tip of his tongue. He hated that Kevin’s anything was still on the tip of his tongue), his green eyes wider than ever. He looked shocked, as if this bar was the last place he’d expected to see Aaron. Aaron and Andrew were the one that had brought him here in the first place — why did he look so surprised?
Aaron blinked, constraining his expression and ensuring that it showed nothing. If anything, he hoped it showed the hate and the anger that was tucked so discreetly at the edge of his heart. If not, he prayed it didn’t show the side of him that wanted to bawl his eyes out.
Kevin’s expression stayed the same, so Aaron just looked away. He didn’t owe Kevin anything. Kevin didn’t owe him anything either, so it was simpler just to look away and pretend. Wasn’t that what Kevin had done to him? Pretended like nothing had happened, like he didn’t exist, like they were nothing? He was just doing the same. This is for your own sake, Aaron reminded himself, taking a deep breath, forcing himself to turn.
Aaron shut his eyes again and focused on the music. The people around him, so full of energy and life, he focused on drawing on it, on forcing life into himself as well. An accustomed practice, after so long of denying himself everything good he’d known. It almost worked. He couldn’t shake the feeling of Kevin’s eyes on him. He couldn’t do anything knowing Kevin was watching him. This feeling was not new. The familiarity of this incapability shook Aaron to his core.
It isn’t until he feels someone else tap him on the shoulder does he open his eyes. A girl with red hair not unlike Neil’s was smiling at him with rosy lips. “Hey! How are you?”
Aaron looked around, feeling confused and stunned. “I’m okay. You?” He made an effort to not look at Kevin, and instead focused on the woman in front of him.
“I’m great! My name’s Katelyn, what’s yours?” The girl asked enthusiastically, pressing her body against Aaron’s amidst the crowd of thrashing people. “I’m Aaron.”
“You look familiar! Did you do premed at MUSC?” Katelyn shouted, looping an arm around Aaron’s shoulders. Aaron blinked at the physical contact, his eyes flicking up to look at Kevin for a reason he didn’t want to admit to himself. Kevin was watching intently, and there was a twinge of satisfaction in Aaron’s chest.
“Yeah.” Aaron said, hoping he was as blasé as possible. “Me too!” She replied, still smiling brightly, wrapping her other arm around Aaron’s shoulder. Kevin was still watching them, Aaron realised, and he smiled despite himself.
Katelyn seemed to take that as an invitation, leaning in and pressing her lips to Aaron’s. Her mouth tasted medicinal, like cherry schnapps, and her lipstick was surely smearing on Aaron’s mouth. He kissed her back for just a second, eyes wide open. He swivelled his gaze to Kevin mid-kiss, who was still watching him, the look in his eyes indecipherable.
Katelyn began slipping her tongue into his mouth sloppily, giggling quietly and pulling Aaron in even tighter. He began realising that if he didn’t detach himself from her mouth soon, she’d want him to take her home, and he couldn’t fucking do that with Kevin watching. Why? He didn’t know. He couldn’t think straight, and Aaron tried to convince himself it was because of Katelyn, and not because of the dark-haired, green-eyed man behind them.
Logically, he should take her home. He should keep kissing her, should slide his hands into her hair and breathe in the sweet scent of her perfume — so why couldn’t he? Why was there some unknown force that was making him pull away, a voice in his head yelling at him no, no, no.
He pulled away from her and turned to wipe his mouth. “Look, I’m sorry, but I’m not interested.” Aaron said, backing away in the direction of the bar. Katelyn pouted and said, “Come on! Really? Aaron…”
He walked faster, but Katelyn grabbed ahold of his hand. “Really, I’m just not interested, sorry.” He said, yanking his hand away. Before he knew it, he was standing in front of Kevin, who was shooting daggers with his eyes to Katelyn. Without any better course of action, Katelyn still advancing a few steps behind him, Aaron looked to Kevin, subtly tapping his foot.
Kevin seemed to get the message and opened his legs, allowing Aaron to lean in between them. Aaron tried not to focus on the feeling of Kevin pressed against him and instead watched how Katelyn realises, then gives a faux smile and disappears back into the crowd.
When she was out of his eyeline, Aaron didn't move for just a second. Just a second so he could savour the feeling of Kevin’s chest against his back, like it used to be when they slept together. He stood there for a little longer to breathe in the scent of Kevin’s cologne, the exact same as it had been four years ago. It hurt to breathe, and his stomach churned like he was going to be sick.
He missed Kevin so much he could feel it in his bones. Missing people was as well-known to him as was the back of his own hand. His whole life he’d been missing people — his mother, his unknown father, Andrew — but the longing he had for Kevin wasn’t the same. Missing Kevin felt inherent, like he was a piece of Aaron’s heart that had dislodged itself from the rest of him since he had been born. The eight months they had spent together had Kevin ingrained so deeply in Aaron’s being that even four years couldn’t erase anything.
After he’d taken that moment to catalogue as much of Kevin as he could, Aaron quickly pushed himself off of Kevin’s sturdy, warm chest and tried to step away, before almost tripping on Kevin’s foot in front of him. “Move your foot, please.” Aaron said through clenched teeth, the ache in his chest only intensifying. He’d gotten lost in that hurt too much, but he knew how to get out of it. He had gotten out of it after Kevin ended everything with him, slipped back into it one too many times, but he would escape.
Kevin moved his foot after a second’s pause, his expression unreadable. Aaron stepped out, a rush of relief mixed with some unnamable emotion filling him. “Thank you. And goodnight.” Aaron said, turning and nearly sprinting out of Eden’s Twilight. He didn’t wait to hear whatever Kevin had exclaimed, nor did he turn around.
When Aaron was outside, he gulped down large mouthfuls of cold air, the chill of the night cooling his hot cheeks. Many people were milling around, waiting for their rides or smoking cigarettes. Aaron stared out at the starry sky, his hands trembling by his sides.
What was wrong with him? Why’d he choose to do the absolute worst thing he could’ve done? This was a question he’d asked himself as well those four years ago, when he’d have to hide in the shower post-practice, letting tears stream down his cheeks alongside freezing cold water. Why’d he have to remind himself of all that he had lost and could never get back?
“Hey, Aaron.”
Aaron exhaled loudly and continued walking, hoping he was heading for the direction of his car. He doesn’t let himself react to that velvety voice, the way the voice said his name and how much he’d been wishing he could hear that voice again. Aaron pretended like he hadn’t been trying to recall how that voice would say his name for the past two years and continued walking down an alleyway at the back of the club, clenching his fists, until a hand reached out and grabbed him. “Aaron.”
Kevin backed Aaron up against the wall, and Aaron felt like he had physically shrunk at the sight of his looming figure. He knew he wasn’t even average height, but Kevin made him feel smaller than he was, in more ways than just the physical sense. The way Kevin’s broad shoulders almost blocked out even his peripheral vision made Aaron press his lips together and hope that the night was dark enough to hide his flushed face.
Aaron finally let his eyes settle on Kevin’s face and immediately wished he hadn’t. From afar, Kevin looked like the absolute picture-perfect celebrity he was. From up close, Aaron could only focus on and see the light dusting of freckles across his cheeks and nose, the way his lips were permanently pouty and the hazel specks of his deep green eyes. A whole four years had passed, and Kevin Day’s face was still capable of rendering Aaron breathless. He was embarrassed at himself.
“You’re just going to leave? Without talking to me?” Kevin asked, and Aaron hoped that the emotion he was obviously trying to mask behind the suave voice was hurt. He had never wanted to slap someone more in his life than at that moment.
“Yes, actually. I’m going to leave… just like you did.”
Aaron was almost as taken aback at the words that had exited his mouth as Kevin was. Aaron was never a talkative or snarky drunk, but he felt like his attitude had been ramped up. Partly because he was face-to-face with Kevin, partly because he was so angry at himself for even speaking to Kevin in the first place. He wanted to leave, but Kevin still had an iron grip on Aaron’s wrist. He was sure there’d be a mark tomorrow morning, but at least that would serve as a reminder that this conversation had happened, and that he wasn’t imagining it.
Kevin regained his composure after a second, letting go of Aaron’s hand to run a hand through his shiny dark hair. “Aaron, you know I couldn’t be with you. I had Exy, you were going to become a doctor, we both were too busy for anything. I thought I was doing both of us a favour. I’m sorry.”
“It’s always fucking Exy with you, isn’t it? What the fuck has your fucking sport got to do with what we were? Why the fuck would being with me ruin your chances of going pro? You’re Kevin fucking Day, for fuck’s sake.” Aaron spat out, feeling years of pent-up resentment and anger rising to the surface. Everything in him had been simmering for too long, and he couldn’t stop speaking. “You don’t get to fucking tell me you broke up with me because being, what, queer would hurt your chances. You could’ve done absolutely anything you wanted and still have hundreds of teams begging for you to play for them. You left fucking Edgar Allen and there were still millions of people cheering for you. What could I have fucking done to ruin your career?
“I didn’t have any fucking choice but to believe you ended things with me because I became too much. I’ve always been the fucking ‘normal’ one, the one with feelings, but the second I showed them, everybody just decides they’d rather me to be fucking emotionless too. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Aaron let out a laugh and leaned his head against the brick wall. “Don’t worry. I know I can be a bit much at times, but I can’t fucking help it. I’m not my fucking brother.”
Aaron was breathless now, the words pouring from him like a tap. “I can’t be Andrew, yet everyone fucking wants me to be, but nobody wants that either. I just can’t fucking be myself, can I? You broke up with me because instead of pretending I felt nothing, I showed you everything. Everyone’s always saying, Aaron, I can’t tell what you’re thinking, but when I do tell them, they’d rather not know. What the fuck is up with that?”
Kevin was still standing too close for comfort, though at least the distress was now visible on his face. He didn’t know how Kevin managed to keep his emotions in check after everything he’d gone through — but that was partly the reason how he was able to do it, right? So nothing like what had happened to him could ever happen again? Aaron had been doing the exact same thing for half his life.
“But it’s fine. It’s fine. It’s been so long anyway, and I was nothing more than a fling. It’s okay. You have your life now, right? All that you’ve ever wanted? I’m happy for you, and I’m glad I didn’t ruin it.” Aaron continued. He felt like his throat was closing up. He was struggling to breathe in, feeling oddly delirious from being able to say all the words he’d been harbouring in secret for years.
Aaron stopped talking because he could feel the lump forming in his throat. If he went on, he knew he would cry, and he couldn’t cry in front of Kevin. But he didn’t need to speak. He knew Kevin knew exactly all the things he wanted to say, the air between them punctuated with the unspoken words and accusations.
“Aaron. That’s not why I broke up with you. You were never too much. And I’d hate you if you were Andrew.” Kevin said, the last part an obvious attempt at a joke. But like most of Kevin’s jokes, it didn’t land, and Kevin suddenly stopped himself. Aaron took the chance and spoke again.
“Okay. Got it. Let’s just move the fuck on. That was in the past. We’re both over it, right? I need to go find Nicky and Andrew and Neil, they’re probably looking for me.” They probably weren’t, but Aaron needed to get away.
He tried to push himself off the wall, but Kevin pressed a hand against his chest and gently shoved him back against it, bracketing Aaron in by placing a forearm against the wall.
Aaron watched with bated breath as Kevin stared down at his feet, tensing as Kevin’s free hand reached up. If Kevin touched him, he wouldn’t be able to hold back his tears. If Kevin put his hand on Aaron’s cheek like he used to do when Aaron got too stressed, Aaron would not be able to help himself. The tiniest part of him wished Kevin would touch him, just so he could let the rush of tears fall.
Instead, Kevin reached into his shirt and pulled a necklace out from under it. Swinging from the chain was a small pendant in the shape of a stethoscope.
Aaron blinked. The charm glinted at him in the dim moonlight, as if it was winking at him. “Is that my…”
Kevin shoved the charm closer to Aaron’s face. “Yes, it’s the necklace I got for you, for your birthday.”
Aaron swallowed. “Why are you wearing it?” A stupid, obvious question. But he needed to hear it. He needed to know he wasn’t the only one that had been suffering the past four years.
“I wear it everyday. I don’t even take it off to shower.” Kevin admitted, letting the chain fall back against his chest. “I wear it to every match, and I even fucking take it out while I’m fucking playing, just in case you’re watching me play. I look at every single person in every single fucking stadium, just in case you’re there. You never were, but I hoped.
“Aaron, you were… never just a fucking fling to me, or whatever stupid, temporary thing you want to call yourself. I’m not over it. I’m not over you.” Kevin said, raising his head to stare at Aaron with those painfully intense green eyes. “I loved you. I love you, Aaron. I think I always will.”
Aaron couldn’t speak. It felt like somebody had glued his tongue to the roof of his mouth, for he was truly and utterly speechless. He didn’t know how many times he had imagined this exact scenario in a dozen different locations, though Kevin never said it with this much agony, with this much conviction. Aaron never fathomed that this scene would actually come true. He wanted to believe Kevin was lying, but truth seemed to drip from his voice. He couldn’t do anything but believe him.
“When I ended it with you, I really thought that it was the right thing to do. Now I know that’s just fucking bullshit. You were the right thing for me, Aaron. Three days after the last time we spoke, all I wanted to do was beg for you back, but I couldn’t do that.”
Why couldn’t you? I would’ve let you back in, I wanted to beg for you back too, Aaron thought, his vision blurring with tears, Kevin’s words almost inaudible amidst the rush of emotion and his train of thought. He was cursing Kevin in his mind, he wanted to fucking punch Kevin in the face, but his eyes would not leave the stethoscope charm that laid on Kevin’s chest. His necklace. Kevin had given it to him for his birthday, called him the greatest doctor that the world would ever know. Aaron wore it until that day, when he took it off and slid it under Kevin’s door as quickly as he could, as if the metal would stain his skin if he had it on for a second longer.
“I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t rip your heart out then try to replace it. That’s fucking horrible. I was fucking horrible. And I can’t do that to you again. I was too scared, and I still am. I can say it now, I know what I feel for you, but I’m scared I’ll hurt you again.” Kevin laughed lowly, dropping his gaze again. Aaron watched as his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down in his throat.
“What the fuck are you saying? What the fuck do you want? What am I supposed to do?” Aaron whispered, blinking furiously to curb the tears that threatened to fall from his eyes. Aaron was smart, but for the life of him, he didn’t understand what Kevin’s point was.
He couldn’t process everything that was unfolding before his very eyes. He couldn’t believe he was hearing words from Kevin’s mouth he thought he would never hear, and he couldn’t believe he was entertaining the mere notion of Kevin after all that had happened. His head and his heart were divided in battle, and he was lost in the storm of it all.
Kevin drew in a deep breath, looking back into Aaron’s eyes once more. Aaron wanted to scoff at how his heart still skipped a beat in this moment when he looked into Kevin’s eyes. The word green seemed too earthly to describe the pure richness of the colour that was Kevin’s eyes.
“I want you to tell me to leave. I want you to tell me to get lost, and I fucking will. I can’t keep torturing myself by believing you’ll ever want me again.” Kevin said. He looked so resigned, so hopeless. Aaron recognised the expression as one he had caught himself wearing one too many times.
Aaron’s heart was racing so fast he felt close to a heart attack. He had to force himself out of checking himself for symptoms of one and redirect his attention back to Kevin, back to his mind, back to his heart.
Aaron wanted to stop and think, but the words came out of his mouth before he’d even processed them. The brain-to-mouth filter was something he prided himself on having, being fully capable of only letting the appropriate words come out of his mouth, but that ability had long disappeared. He glanced down at the necklace hanging around Kevin’s neck and back up at Kevin’s anguished eyes.
“I don’t know if I can tell you that.” Aaron said softly. He had lost the battle with his heart long before he even realised it. Kevin had consumed his mind, took up most of the space in his heart, and the parts that remained Aaron’s wanted nothing more but to belong to Kevin. He could convince himself that he hated Kevin, that he wanted nothing to do with him, but he’d just be lying to himself.
There was nothing he wanted more in this world than Kevin. He was terrified of what this meant, he was terrified that he could still love Kevin so deeply after it all, but he couldn’t have said anything else. Nothing would change his feelings. The desperation he felt in his soul for Kevin’s company overpowered any rational thought he’d had left. He wasn’t afraid of being hurt this time.
Kevin blinked once, then twice. He opened his mouth to say something, but Aaron didn’t wait for a response before reaching up and pressing his lips to Kevin’s.