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The first time, they were sitting in Simon’s living room. Rocky and Adrian were out for a date, so Simon proposed they watch a movie, which Ryland obliged, not wanting to spend the night alone grading tests or prepping for tomorrow’s classes or whatever he was supposed to do. (He also wanted really badly to spend time with Simon but he would rather die than truly admit it.). So there they were, sitting on Simon’s couch, in Simon’s living room, watching a movie in Simon’s living room, so close that they’re almost touching. It’s okay, really, thought Ryland really hard. He turned his head toward the other man, basking in his features. He was only illuminated by the faint glow of the tv, softening his features. Simon’s pretty nose, the scars that wrapped around his face, the hair pulled in a low messy bun, his focused stare for the TV, Ryland decided it was a better spectacle than the movie playing in the background.
His starring session was over when Simon turned toward Grace, expression tinted with a hint of worry.
“Hmm?”
“Oh. Nothing.”
Ryland reported his attention to the movie, which was almost finished anyway. The end credits started to roll, and Ryland threw his arms in the air to stretch, grunting a little.
“Thank you for the movie, I needed it. I think I’m gonna go to sleep now, big day tomorrow!”
“Oh, okay,” responded Simon with what Ryland took for a bit of disappointment. “Let me walk you home then.”
“It’s only at the end of the hallway, I’m not going to get lost,” said Ryland with a little laugh.
Simon just shrugged, and got up the couch. He took the remote and turned off the tv, plunging the room in total darkness, before turning on the little lamp next to the couch. Ryland followed after this, looking at his phone. It was 9:36, and the only notification was a picture of Adrian making a silly face sent by Rocky. Ryland smiled softly at his phone, before showing it to Simon, who huffed.
They then made their way out from Simon’s apartment and crossed the few meters that separated it from Ryalnd’s apartment. He patted his pockets for his keys, and unlocked his door.
“Well. This is goodbye for now,” said Ryland.
“For now,” parroted Simon.
Ryland fidgetted with his fingers.
“Goodnight, Simon.”
Simon laughed, for real this time. Ryland wanted to carve his laugh in his brain forever.
“Goodnight, Ryland.”
But before he could make the way back to his flat, Ryland bent down and planted a kiss on Simon’s cheek. He then jolted straight up.
“OkayIreallyhavetogonowbyyyyeeeee!”
And he scrambled inside his apartment, almost slamming the door. He put his head in his hands, blushing so hard he could feel it. Why did he do that? He could never live this down.
He was still awake thinking about it a few hours later when he heard the two loverbirds come home. The night would be very long.
___________
The second time, Ryland was on chore duty. He was at the garbage disposal area, throwing the garbage bags in the garbage bins. Chore duty days were not his favorite days, but at least Rocky and Adrian made their part, not like his roommate back in grad school, where he had to basically do everything if he wanted to live in a decent place. Well, when Marissa was his roommate’s girlfriend, she also helped, but they weren’t a couple for long, so it quickly came back to only Ryland.
His thoughts started to wander toward Marissa. They couldn’t uphold their Thursday night tradition, because she had a conference somewhere. Where was it again? Paris?
Oh yeah, because Colt and Jody were also there for Jody’s latest movie. Man, why didn’t they take him with them? He always wanted to go and travel the world. Well, the fact he had classes was the first reason why. And planes too, he thought he would die if he had to take one again. His motion sickness was getting worse and worse with age, that he was obligated to take the stairs to their third floor apartment or else, if he took the elevator, he would be so dizzy he would have to lay down for half an hour afterward. He should probably get it checked. Was it something you could get a treat-
“Ryland?”
Ryland blinked. Simon was there, a bag at his side. He shot him a look full of questions, before throwing the bag in the bin. He might have dissociated for a while, huh?
“Ah. Hi, Simon.” responded Ryland, bashfully. “Also on chores duty?”
“Well, yes, I live alone so I have to do all the chores.”
“Yeah, good point,” Ryland said, scratching his neck. “Well, you know you can ask us for help if you need.”
“Of course. But I’m doing okay, thank you for reminding me.”
They felt in a silence that Ryland didn’t know if it was comfortable or not. It only broke when Simon spoke again.
“Do you want to get back together?” he asked, as he held up his hand. Ryland swallowed hard, before putting his hand in Simon's, and nodding. They walked in the apartment complex, and started to climb the stairs. Simon in the lead, and Ryland following after, hands still holding. Ryland could feel the huge blush across his face. The trip felt like it lasted a decade, and one second. Simon’s hand was firm, calluses adorning his palms. If Ryland were to be fused to this very hand, he wouldn’t mind it one bit.
They finally reached their destination, but didn't let go of the other. Simon ran his thumb over Ryland’s hand, slowly, and Ryland wanted to die right here right now. At least he would die happy, but he would be dead anyway.
And then, Simon made something unexpected. He raised their clasped hand to his lips and kissed Ryland’s hand. Ryland was dead. He was so dead and Simon killed him and he was dead and it was over. Simon finally let go of their hand, and Ryland was dead. And Simon spoke, and Ryland was dead.
“Ryland?” Simon asked again.
“What? I think I have to go!”
And he rushed inside, fell to his knees, and started wallowing in agony.
___________
The third time, Ryland was coming home from a particularly tiring day. Spring break wason the horizon, so his students were as agitated as atoms. Trying to do anything with them was a nightmare, but it wasn’t quite the last day so he couldn't just let them in front of a movie and call it a day (Stratt would have killed him if he tried.)
So when he arrived in front of the apartment he shared with his bestest friend in the whole wide universe and his spouse (of the best friend, not Ryland’s spouse) and heard someone shout, he let out a sigh. Rocky and Adrian were the most lovey dovey couple he knew, and they only fought once every third blue moon, but when they did, it was very. Explosive.
Ryland passed a hand on his face. All he wanted to do was pass out on his bed and enter a 14 hour coma, but this idea was compromised with all the shouting going on. He turned around, considering the door across the hall for a moment. It’s been a while since he talked with Simon, well, since the hand kiss incident. Not that Ryland was embarrassed (he was), but life has other plans for him, he guessed.
But he also needed a nap, and stepping one foot into that cesspool would guarantee him having to take side and that was NOT something he needed right now, so he crossed the space and knocked on Simon’s door. Maybe he wasn’t even there, still at his job. In this case he’d only have to go outside on a bench. It was breezy outside, so he would rather not, but it was better than the alternative.
Happily for him, the door opened, with Simon in the overture. Ryland had never been so happy to see him. Well he had. But this was the pinnacle of happiness he felt while Simon was there.
“Hi! Sorry to bother you but…” Someone shouted. “I just want to borrow a little bit of couch, if it’s ok with you?” Someone shouted, even louder, as to punctuate his request.
Simon’s eye darted toward the source of the noise, before coming back to Ryland.
“Sure, suit yourself.”
“Thank you, you’re saving my life.”
Simon pushed aside to let Ryland enter. Ryland took out his shoes, put them aside with his bag, and fell onto the couch.
Simon put a glass of orange juice on the coffee table, and Ryland sat, grateful. He drank it in one gulp, sighing with contempt.
“Rough day?” finally asked Simon, while setting down next to Ryland.
“One of the roughest. But I’ll be okay, it will pass. Lovers gotta do what they gotta do, right?”
“I don’t really know about that, but you’re the one that knows them the best, so I trust you. If you need anything, just ask.”
“I’m just going to take a micro nap, but thank you.”
Ryland sank deeper into the couch, and closed his eyes. He could feel Simon’s presence next to him, and it was comforting. He made the right call, patting himself on the back metaphorically.
And then he had to pee.
He cursed his body for ruining this moment. He got up, signified to Simon he had to go to the bathroom, and went to do his stuff.
When he came back, music filled the air. Simon was standing in the middle of the room, looking a bit flustered.
“Hmm, would you… Like to have a dance?”
Simon was. So cute. The way he scratched his beard, hesitant, looking worried, waiting for Ryland’s response. Ryland wanted to eat him.
Eat him? Was he really having cuteness aggression over a 37 old man, as a 45 old man? This was ridiculous.
Simon was, once again, holding his hand up. Ryland was, once again, putting his hand in Simon’s, closing the distance between them, and passing his free arm around Simon’s shoulders. They started swaying to the music, slowly spinning in place. Simon put his head against Ryland’s shoulder. They stayed like this, spinning and swaying, for a while. It was great. It was nice. Ryland hoped this moment would keep going forever and ever.
But a moment can’t stay forever and ever, right? It’s not a moment anymore if it stays forever and ever. So when Simon lifted his head again, looking intensely at Ryland, their face was close, so close, Ryland could feel Simon’s breath on his face. So close, that if Ryland moved just an inch, he could…
Someone banged at the door. Simon jerked off from Ryland’s embrace to get to the door.
“Is Grace with you?” said a voice Ryland could recognize in a crowded room.
“Hello Rocky,” simply responded Simon. “And yes. He’s here.”
Ryland sighed, again, and moved toward the door.
“Hi Rocky, how are you?” he asked, a little bit annoyed.
“Could be better. I need to get some air.”
“Okay, I get it. Give me two minutes to put on my shoes, and I’m coming with you.”
“I’ll wait for you in the hall.”
So Ryland put on his shoes, waved goodbye to Simon, and joined Rocky for an evening walk.
___________
The fourth time, they were all together (Simon, Rocky, Adrian and Ryland). The spring break was finally here, so Ryland proposed a picnic in the park next to the apartment complex, and everyone was on board. Colt, finally back from Paris, even said he would join if he had the time. So they were in Rocky, Adrian and Ryland’s shared apartment, prepping for the picnic. Simon and Ryland were cutting vegetables for a salad, Adrian was washing the cutlery, and Rocky was mixing a smoothie(Ryland did not want to know what was in that smoothie.)
“Do we really need this many tomatoes?” asked Simon, annoyed with all the tomatoes he had to cut.
“Yes, tomatoes are very good. Full of vitamins C.” responded Rocky.
“I’m saying, we can also put in other vegetables. Like cucumbers.”
Adrian came and smacked Rocky with the towel they were using to dry the dishes.
“Rocky is a kid at heart, I still have to hide the vegetables I want him to eat. The fact he accepted that we made a salad is a miracle.”
Rocky grumbled, and Adrian laughed, putting the dishes freshly dried in the basket, then sat next to Rocky, nudging him.
Ryland smiled for himself. It was so domestic, preparing a picnic with his best friends (well, one of them might be more than a friend but he didn’t want to think about it right now) while they were bickering like that. The simple moments of life he couldn't get if he was stranded in space, alone in a spacecraft.
Uh, what was that? Why would he be in space? He wasn’t even in the research field anymore, and if any of them would end up in space, it was Rocky. He shook the idea from his head, and was met with a sharp pain. He looked at his hand, and there it was. He cut himself with the knife. Not too profound that he needed to go to the hospital, but it was still bleeding a lot.
“Fudge,” he breathed.
Simon, the reactive man he was, took Ryland’s hand and started examining it. Ryland’s heart skipped a beat, but he did his best to stay cool on the outside. On the inside, well, he was freaking out.
“What happened?” asked Adrian, worried.
“Don’t worry,” reassured Ryland. “I cut myself. I just need a bandaid and I’m good to go!”
“Grace is not careful.” grumbled Rocky. “Do I need to revoke your knives privileges?”
“Come on, it’s just a mistake. It can happen.”
“If we don’t treat this “mistake” soon enough, it will get worse.” reminded Simon.
He got up, and, not letting go of Ryland’s hand, went to the bathroom. There, he sat Ryland on the stool, and started searching for a bandaid.
“You know, I can take care of this myself, it's not that deep,” said Ryland while laughing. Simon did not respond. He simply held the bandaid he finally found, tearing the packaging. It was a bandaid with little spaceships on it, from the pack he gifted to Rocky, and he got a bit nauseous about it for a second. He gave his hand to Simon, who wrapped the bandaid around the wound. He then gave it a little kiss. Ryland started to blush, he could see it in the mirror. His mind went blank, and then Simon started looking at him, and getting close, like he was waiting for something and he couldn’t get his first kiss in his bathroom???? Ryland panicked, showing Simon away.
“Thank you for the bandaid but i think Rocky and Adrian are waiting for us, we shouldn’t make them wait also I think I heard the door so Colt might be here too and it’s been so long since I saw him and-”
“You’re rambling again,” sighed Simon. “It’s okay.”
Ryland started to feel bad. He stood up from the stool, and left the bathroom. Simon did not follow him.
___________
The fifth time, it was after DnD night. Ryland has been avoiding Simon. Well, trying to. It was hard to avoid someone who was your neighbor and also part of DnD night. But all that Ryland could think about was that moment in the bathroom on picnic day. After leaving the bathroom, Ryland said hello to Colt who had really arrived, Simon only leaving the bathroom after a while, not even shooting a glance toward Ryland. Gosh, Ryland was so eager to mess up everything he did, wasn’t he? He thought he had something steady going and he threw it up the window the first chance he got. Just because he didn’t want to have his first kiss in his bathroom? Gosh, he was so stupid. Or maybe he got the wrong idea and was avoiding Simon because he was stuck in his own head, overthinking over nothing. Which was worse. He was digging his own grave and it was reaching earth’s core, and it was all his fault.
And now he was sitting across from the man, sitting next to Rocky, who was too happy to get Ryland on his side for once, their feet locked together underneath the table, Ryland was trapped here. The tension was so thick you could feel it, and Simon didn't say one word to Ryland yet. As Rocky was shaking his dice, wishing out loud for a good pull, Ryland wished to be anywhere but here. Even being scolded by Stratt in her office would be better than whatever that was.
Thank for whatever God was out there, because the session was fast over. As Ryland helped Adrian clean up, Simon was gathering his stuff. It was without computing on Adrian.
“Why won’t you accompany Simon home, Ryland?” they asked, and Ryland swore he could feel their gaze go right through him.
“No need, it’s only at the end of the hallway, I’m not going to get lost,” responded Simon, and this time he was really glaring at Ryland, who really wanted to jump through the window.
“I’m helping you clean up,” said Ryland with a small voice. Adrian took his wrist.
“I’m sure you have a lot to tell each other, you barely spoke tonight, that’s a shame don’t you think? Rocky will help me!”
Said Rocky shot them a thumb down, which was a thumb up, because Rocky was weird like that. Ryland hated him for a second, before hating himself for hating him. Adrian was right, Simon and Ryland had a lot to talk about and it was time Ryland took accountability like the grown man he was. But it was scary.
So Ryland accompanied Simon home. They didn’t say a word during the journey, but when Simon unlocked his door, he turned around.
“So. Why are you avoiding me?”
“What? I’m not avoiding you, I’m right there! Talking to you!”
“Don’t take me for someone stupid, you barely spoke to me tonight. And last time when we passed each other in the hallway, you didn't even say hello.”
“Well I probably didn’t see you?”
“Rocky was there and he said hello.”
Ryland started fidgeting with his glasses. He was being obtuse and he hated it. Why couldn’t he be normal for once? That is what made Linda leave in the first place, and he started doing it again. He took a breath.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
Simon crossed his arm. Well, he tried, because you can’t really cross with one arm. He simply put it on his hip. If Ryland wasn’t emotionally tortured, he would laugh.
“For avoiding you? I, huh, I messed up, and it resulted in me harming you because i don’t know how to solve my own problems without dragging people with me and-”
“Wow, slow down. You didn’t harm me. Well, except for the ignoring part, it made me sad, but we are talking now. I just want to know, why?”
Ryland made all the effort to try and not to cry. And failed.
“That’s so stupid. I’m so stupid,” he sniffed, wiping the snot coming from his nose with his cardigan’s sleeve.
“Hey, don’t say that. It’s not stupid.”
“Yes it is! In the bathroom, I thought you wanted to kiss me, and I didn’t want our first kiss to be in my bathroom, so I pushed you and you were upset and you didn’t talk to me after this so I thought I had messed up!”
Simon looked at Ryland with a shocked expression. His eyes were huge, and his mouth half open. Ryland was full on sobbing now.
“What? No, I wasnt… Ryland, I would never be upset at you for something like that? I mean, yeah I was pretty bummed because yeah, I kinda wanted this but I would never force you to do something you don’t want to do and be UPSET when you don’t? And I didn’t really talk to you after because I thought you wanted to spend time with your brother you didn’t see for a few months? You really think I didn’t talk to you because I was upset?”
Ryland started laughing through the tears.
“Oh man, we are really bad at this.”
Simon finally smiled. He reached to take off Ryland’s glasses, wiping the tears from his eyes. Ryland felt his heart beat faster, and he leaned in the touch as Simon’s hand cupped his cheek.
“Yeah,” Simon let out with a little laugh. “But I’m glad we could talk. Like two adults. And we can learn together, all right?”
Wow, Ryland thought. How come he found a man so beautiful and so charming and very intelligent and soooo comprehensive. Is this a dream? Is he going to wake up? He couldn’t stop smiling, and he was still crying, but there were tears of joy now.
“Okay. Yeah. Totally.”
When Simon let go, his cheek felt cold like something was missing. He sniffed one last time, cleaned his glasses and put them back on. Simon kissed him on the cheek, just like the first time, and Ryland felt like crying again.
“Good night, Ryland.”
“Good night, Simon.”
Simon smiled again, and Ryland wanted to carve his smile in his head forever. They parted ways, and while he walked home, Ryland’s steps felt lighter, like he was on the moon.
___________
The sixth time, and the last one, they were back at Simon’s apartment. They had ordered take-out, and put on a movie in the background, but none of them was watching it. Ryland was talking about something his students did today, and Simon was listening to him like he was telling something about the absolute truth of the universe. He reached his arm to play with a wild strand of Ryland’s hair. Ryland swallowed hard.
“I think I want to do it.”
“Huh?”
The only response Ryland gave was closing the distance between him and Simon and finally kissing him.