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One afternoon, as cold as metal, a young man sat on the bank of a river, a very particular one, one might say, for it was here that his new life began to shine. Atsushi sat in the place where he would first meet the man who would change his life forever, saving him from the clutches of death in the process. Osamu, Osamu Dazai, was his name.
Atsushi began working for the ADA because of Dazai. He didn't mind at all; he was more than grateful to be given a job, a salary, and a home—he might even say a family, though he didn't feel worthy of being part of it.
Despite what many might think, Atsushi didn't fight to save others; he fought for himself. Saving people was his pass and permission to continue living, to prove his humanity.
He wanted to prove the orphanage director wrong for saying he could never save a person, to show the other orphanage staff that HE deserved to live, to prove he wasn't just a "beast," but also human and capable of feeling pain.
However, despite the recognition of many, having helped so many others, and even saving little Kyoka from a horrible end, Atsushi didn't consider himself worthy of continuing to live. He thought that perhaps, in the end, everyone at the orphanage was right; his very existence was nothing more than a waste, and that's why his parents abandoned him in the trash, because that's where he belonged.
That afternoon, Nakajima had made a decision, one he hoped wouldn't affect the others. He knew some would be sad and would remain so for a few days, maybe a week at most (following his own logic), but that in the end, they would forget him and move on as if he had never been there in the first place.
He thanked Dazai for giving him a chance to live, to prove others wrong about him, but he believed someone else deserved that chance, someone whose life was truly valuable, someone more "human."
He left behind nine letters, each with a different recipient, though their underlying message remained the same: a farewell and a thank you, with obvious variations depending on the recipient. Those letters were addressed to: Dazai, Kyoka, Lucy, Tanizaki and Naomi, Kunikida, Fukusawa, Rampo, Yosano, and... someone else...
However, he decided to deliver that ninth letter early, a letter whose recipient was none other than the Port Mafia's dog, Akutagawa Ryunosuke.
A letter that remained like the others, yet its content differed even more from the other eight. This letter was the longest he had written, as it explained some things he couldn't say to the mobster's face. And although he was aware that this letter might not significantly change the aforementioned man's perception of him, perhaps it could offer a different perspective on why. Furthermore, this was the only letter that explained why he was making this decision. At first, he hesitated to reveal his reasons, but he thought he would be the least affected and wanted to do it as an apology for not fulfilling their agreement, where after six months they could finally fight to the death.
Even so, upon delivering it, he asked that it not be opened until later, an instruction the mobster ignored, as he had a bad feeling and had a reputation for being right in the end.
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"Cold..." thought the white-haired man, watching as the sun began to set. The scene reminded him of the day Dazai had taken him in after preventing yet another of his many suicide attempts. That day had changed him and his entire story. He couldn't help but remember and feel guilty for what he was about to do.
A while ago, the young man had taken a considerable amount of sleeping pills and some others he found searching the agency's infirmary to "facilitate" what he planned to do.
However, what he didn't know was that someone was running with all the strength his lungs allowed, using his ability to gain momentum, hoping to reach the younger man, hoping not to arrive too late.
As Nakajima watched the sunset for the last time, he took another handful of pills and entered the river, thinking that this was a very peaceful death for someone like him. However, he knew it was the only way Byakko couldn't intervene, or at least not immediately.
Before entering the water, he left his boots, gloves, and the belt the agency had given him, along with a note—the last one he wrote.
Minutes later, Akutagawa arrived (on the verge of fainting), but he only found Atsushi's belongings and the words he had written.
He searched desperately, hoping to find him, seeing that the only place where he could be in the river. Using his ability, he searched for Najakima, or at least his body, hoping the tiger wouldn't let anything bad happen to him, that he would prevent at all costs the fate the white-haired boy sought...
After a few minutes, he managed to find him... cold... he wasn't breathing. He tried desperately to do something to revive the boy, who reacted, but it was already too late.
Carrying the soaked, white-haired body (now lifeless), he made her way to where his belongings were. Carefully, he sat down and, with the tenderness a mother would have for her child, rested the young man's head on her lap, stroking his battered yet beautiful hair, still wet from the river water. A short while later, he noticed the note Atsushi had left and decided to read it:
"I know how much sadness my death will cause you. You will undoubtedly cry when you hear the news (aside, of course, from any ornamental sentimentality you might allow yourself), but if you try to think of my joy at having been completely freed from the suffering of living and from this hateful life itself, I believe your sorrow will gradually dissolve."
When he finished, she couldn't help but let out the tears he had been holding back since the moment he found Atsushi in the river, cold, soaked, and lifeless... a scene so terrible it would mark him for the rest of his life.
On December 4th, Atsushi Najakima died, and compared to what he had imagined, he hadn't truly grasped the depth of sadness and pain his departure would cause.
He left an unfillable void for those whose lives he had most influenced. Atsushi blamed himself for not being enough, and now Akutagawa regretted not having run fast enough that day, reflecting on how Dazai had been right about him—that he was simply useless.
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"Goodbye, Jinko"—after uttering these words, he left a bouquet of yellow daffodils, marigolds, and a white carnation, turned, and silently withdrew to live with the pain of regret, even though it wasn't his fault, constantly wondering how he could have prevented that ending.
"Nakajima Atsushi, thank you for everything..."
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