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Being in the public eye was never something that Beca had actively pursued. All she’d ever wanted to do was create music, so getting to do it on the large and successful scale she was doing was definitely a dream come true, she could just do without the constant invasion into her private life. It made it incredibly hard to have anything close to a normal life, gone where the days when she could buy a bottle of vodka and a two litre tub of chocolate ice-cream in Walmart in her sweatpants and crocs with greasy hair without someone putting photos of her on the internet and claiming that she was having a mental breakdown, and gone were the days that she could go on a date with her partner, kiss her in public, even hold her damn hand without her whole sex life being a source of gossip and speculation.
Especially if her girlfriend of choice also happened to be famous.
There was a knock at her door as Beca sat staring out of the window of her studio, guitar left ignored by her side, phone in her lap. Whoever that was, she wasn’t really interested in seeing them right now, but unfortunately being one of the most in demand musicians in the world right now meant that she didn’t really have much of a choice in the matter. She sighed heavily, closing her eyes and letting her head thunk against the cool glass of the window.
“Come in.”
The door creaked on its hinges, reminding Beca that she needed to chase that kid in maintenance to oil the hinges. She didn’t open her eyes as whoever it was stepped into her office, she didn’t need to. She knew exactly who it would be.
“I’m too late, aren’t I? You’ve already seen it.”
Beca shrugged her shoulders, opening her eyes slowly and looking out over the New York skyline again, a thousand memories of nights in the city below running through her head, of mornings in the cozy apartment she had that overlooked Central Park.
“Yup.”
The door creaked shut again, and then footsteps padded over the plush carpet towards her, stopping only when the person they belonged to sat opposite her on the window seat, a sad smile on Stacie’s face when Beca finally made fleeting eye contact with her.
“It’s bull Beca. I know that, she knows that, you know it isn’t her behind it right? It can’t be, she wouldn’t do that.”
Beca huffed out another sigh, swallowing against the lump in her throat. As she looked across the city she could see people through their apartment windows. A woman rocking a baby in her arms, a man in a sharp suit on the phone, a couple of teenagers sat on the stoop giggling and sharing a cigarette. All of them just got live their lives, got have scandals and triumphs and peace without a price. Some days all she could think about was how unfair that was, how maybe she should just fake her death and move somewhere no-one had even heard of her, just to have some semblance of anonymity back.
“Doesn’t matter. It was always going to end up with one of us painted as the bad guy I guess.”
Stacie frowned a little, “No it wasn’t. That kind of thinking is what made her team do this stupid thing in the first place.”
“I guess. It’s no big deal Stace, I’ll get some good song material out of it at least. That should shut down all the people panicking out there about my image or whatever.”
Stacie snorted a laugh, shaking her head a little as she thumbed at the phone in her hand, silencing the barrage of notifications starting to pile in. She let Beca sit in silence, knowing her best friend far too well at this point. Sure, she was Beca’s talent manager now, but she’d known her since they were sharing in kindergarten, knew how Beca shut down when she was feeling intense emotions rather than share them, more than happy to let her process however she needed to.
“Do you want me to get the guys onto a statement of our own? Clear the air, shut this down before it gets stupid?”
“No.” Beca shook her head, “I’m not doing a media tit for tat, this was half the problem Stace, all these strangers thinking they had a right to stick their nose in.”
Before Stacie could try and persuade her to get in front of it herself, Beca’s phone started to vibrate. She glanced down to the caller ID and recognised it instantly, quietly getting to her feet, squeezing her shoulder as she left. Beca didn’t even need to say it, she wanted to be alone to answer that call.
Beca stared at her phone for a few moments as it rang, her eyes fixed on the photo that came up. She remembered taking it, one early sunny morning in her apartment, when that beautiful woman was sat in an armchair, the blanket Beca’s mom had knitted her one Christmas around her shoulders, coffee cupped in her hands. She wasn’t even looking at the camera, utterly unaware of Beca taking the photo, but unlike every other person that took photos of her when she wasn’t expecting it, these ones made her giggle and roll her eyes and call Beca a ‘big softy’. She wished she could go back to that moment.
“Hey.”
When she answered the phone, she was as monotone as possible, determined not to let the person on the other end of the phone know that she had been crying most of the morning or that her heart felt like it had been through a shredder.
“Beca, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t have anything to do with this, I’ve fired all of them I swear–”
“Chloe, breathe.”
Despite everything, a small smile tugged at the corner of Beca’s lips as Chloe’s voice, however panicked and guilt ridden, came through the phone. She really missed hearing that voice.
“It’s okay. I know it wasn’t you. I was there when we broke up remember? I know what really happened.”
There was a tearful giggle from the other end of the phone, the Chloe in Beca’s minds eye currently curled up on that absurdly large sofa in her living room, fluffy socks on her feet despite the fact that it was currently sixty-eight degrees in LA right now because her feet were always cold in December, and Pepper, her ragdoll cat, purring in her lap. It was an image that she had seen in person a hundred times over, that she had lived in a thousand more, and it made her chest ache.
“I know. It was pretty sucky wasn’t it?”
“Apparently not.” Beca scoffed, “Apparently it was super easy for me, given that I’m too busy to be dating you and favoured my growing career over my relationship.”
Chloe sighed, “Becs, that’s not true. The distance, the public attention, the lack of privacy, it was all too much. I have never doubted how much you love me.”
The present tense certainty of the word “love” made a lump form in Beca’s throat again, this one harder to choke down than the first but she managed it, just about.
“Good.” She cleared her throat a little, “Good, because I’d hate it if you actually thought I was as cold and disinterested as your PR team seems to think I am.”
“Absolutely not. They’re idiots Beca, I fired every last one of them. And I’ve taken the statement down; I’m already sat here writing another one to set the record straight.”
Beca could see her, with her reading glasses on the end of her nose, her fingers furiously tapping at the keyboard of her laptop with her tongue poking out of the side of her mouth, concentrating so hard that her nose scrunched in that way that made Beca’s heart skip.
“You don’t have to do that.” Beca mumbled, “Seriously Chloe, the public were always going to want a villain, I’d rather it was me than you. A bad girl image would really help sell a new album; I could finally lean more into the grunge side of things.”
Chloe giggled again, so genuine that Beca’s heart seized and tears welled in her eyes, but she quickly brushed them away with the back of her free hand.
“You’re an idiot Becs. But I’m writing my own statement, my own version of events, that’s the least I can do for us, for you after everything.”
“It wasn’t your fault that night either Chlo.” Beca grunted, “How were you supposed to know there were freaks hiding in the bushes around your house?”
“Still, if I had better security, or lived in a gated community, those photos–”
“So my boobs are on the internet, big deal.” Beca huffed, “I’ll use that image as my next album cover, reclaim it, and then everyone will talk about how ‘bold’ and ‘feminist’ I am for it. I’m not even joking, Stacie’s already talking to the graphics people about it.”
They sat in silence for several minutes after Chloe laughed again, both of them reliving that night. That night that was supposed to be just the two of them, in the back lounge area of Chloe’s house, with a grinning Beca straddling Chloe’s waist on the sofa, slowly strip-teasing for the woman she loved, her hips grinding into hers, Chloe’s hands ghosting up her ribs towards her bare chest.
It was the kind of night that other couples took for granted, that privacy they all took as a given in their own homes. Neither Beca nor Chloe had even thought to close the blinds, why would they? It wasn’t like they were on Chloe’s front porch, they were deep in Chloe’s house with privacy bushes around the property, of course they never expected a paparazzi to be sat in one of the bushes with a long lens, snapping photos as Beca pushed out her chest and Chloe leant forward to… well, no-one was in any doubt about what happened next, all they had to do was long onto sexycelebs.com and they’d be able to see it all, despite Beca and Chloe’s legal team’s best efforts to get the photos removed.
“Are we being stupid? Breaking up over this?”
Beca bit her lip, closing her eyes as se let her head rest against the window again. The cold glass seeped through her skin, easing the stress headache that was pushing against her eyeballs. She was dreading that question, her heart and her brain wanting two separate things.
“Chlo… it’s not just those photos. We live on opposite coasts, neither of us want or can move right now. We can’t go on a date, can’t kiss in public, I can’t even hold your goddamn hand without it being splashed on the front of every tabloid newspaper in the world!”
“I know. I know. But I hate this. I miss you Becs.”
“I miss you too.” Beca didn’t even try to brush away her tears anymore, there wasn’t any point when this many were falling, “More than you’ll ever know Chloe. I’ve been this sad, pathetic little weirdo lately, I’ve been watching your entire IMDB catalogue like a loser.”
“You’re not a loser.” Chloe’s voice was soft, “If you are, then so am I, I’ve been playing your albums on loop for weeks now. Pretty sure my neighbours hate me now.”
Beca laughed tearfully, playing with the edge of her hoodie. Well, Chloe’s hoodie technically, she’d never gone to Julliard, far too expensive for her and her mom to even consider. If she closed her eyes, it still smelled like Chloe’s strawberry shampoo a little.
“Let me be the villain Chloe. Let me take the public heat and all the shit, and just go on being the golden girl of Hollywood. Musicians can withstand all kinds of image problems, actresses tend to take a career hit. I’d hate for this whole thing to mess you up. Especially considering you weren’t the one with your boobs out.”
“You’re always trying to protect me. You don’t have to do that; I’m a big girl.”
“I know.” Beca sniffed, “But I can’t help it. I wish it wasn’t this stupidly complicated Chlo.”
“Me too. Maybe we should run off to the Alps after all, or Armish country. It’s not like they have technology there to figure out who we are.”
“Yeah. Maybe.”
“I’m not ready to let this go Beca. I’m not. Not because of some freaks with a camera, not because of psycho fans on the street that have imagined a relationship with you, and not because of a few thousand miles. I don’t care about all of that. Not anymore.”
Beca gripped the phone tighter, chewing on her bottom lip, knowing it would be chapped and split by the time this phone conversation was over. Part of her resented Chloe for saying this, for saying it now after all of this had happened, but she knew it wasn’t coming from a place of malice or of manipulation. It was pure, genuine Chloe, who always wore her heart on her sleeve and said how she felt no matter the consequences.
“Chloe… I–” Beca played with the sleeve of her hoodie, trying to steady her swirling thoughts, trying to figure out what to say right now, “I have never stopped loving you, not for a moment. But… I don’t know if I can go through all this again. All the scrutiny, all the anxiety, all the vulnerability of having everything be out in the open whether I like it or not…”
“I get it.” Chloe’s voice had grown thick, and Beca knew she was crying now, “Of course I do. I know we’re different people, that this stuff has a bigger impact on you than it does me. So what if… what if we’re more careful? What if we keep it under wraps this time, if we keep up public appearances like we broke up but stayed friends and dated in secret? At least for a year or so, and then–”
“Chloe I can’t.” Beca choked on the tears running down her face, shaking her head bitterly, “I can’t do all this again, it all gets out eventually, and then we’ll be right back here again, and I cannot go through with all this pain again.”
The other end of the line was silent for a few moments, Beca feeling her stomach tie in knots. She’d probably made Chloe cry more, probably crushed her with her response, and she hated that. There was nothing worse for her than hurting Chloe’s feelings, and there was certainly nothing worse than telling Chloe she didn’t want to be with her anymore, not because she didn’t love her, but because of all these other people that wanted to have some say in their relationship.
“Okay. I get it, I understand.” Chloe sounded heartbroken, but her voice remained level all the same, “Honestly Beca, it’s okay. You shouldn’t have to put up with any of this crap you know? You deserve to be happy and have a peaceful life that is everything you want it to be.”
“So do you.” Beca swallowed thickly, “I wish it was with me. I wish I’d never taken a chance, submitted those demos, gotten this stupid career in the first place.”
“Stop that.” Chloe was firm, and Beca could see the frown on her face without even being in the room, “Don’t ever regret sharing your talent with the world, you’re incredible, and you deserve every cent that you’ve earned from your music. The world would be an awful, crappy place without it, please don’t think that you made a mistake doing it.”
“You’re always so damn positive Beale.” Beca huffed, a grin tugging at her lips, “How am I supposed to get over you when you say shit like that to me?”
“Maybe that’s the point.” Chloe giggled tearfully, “Maybe I’m trying to be so irresistible that you have to come back to me.”
“Yeah, well…” Beca snorted, “I dunno. I just… I can’t go through all this pain again. It hurt too much the first time, I… I can only write so many depressing songs about it.”
“I know.” Chloe’s voice sobered, “And I’m not trying to pressure you, I promise. I just want you to know that I love you, that I’ll always be proud of you, and I won’t let you be the villain in a story that doesn’t have one.”
“I love you too.” Beca mumbled, pulling her knees to her chest, “So much that I can’t breathe sometimes. And I don’t plan on cutting you out of my life, I just… I think I need a little time, time where I don’t see you in my dreams or hear your voice on the other end of the phone. Is that okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah of course. You know where I am Beca, how to get hold of me. I’m always going to be here for you, no matter how you need me to be here for you, or what form you need me to take.”
“Thanks Chlo.” Beca swallowed thickly, “I will text you. I promise. After things have settled a bit.”
“I know you will.” Chloe’s voice was shaking, and it made Beca’s heart hurt more, “You can’t get enough of me Mitchell.”
“No I can’t.” Beca grinned, “I’ll talk to you later Chloe.”
She hung up her phone, letting it gently thunk onto the carpet as she cried softly, closing her eyes again. She hated this, more than anything, all she wanted to do was fly out to LA right now and tell Chloe she’d made a huge mistake. But this was far too painful for her to deal with again, and she would have to deal with it again, she knew how these things worked. In this moment, Beca resented her career, her fame, all of it, she resented that just because she was good at something, that she was passionate about it, it meant that she couldn’t be with the woman she loved without having to be in a relationship with the paparazzi and her fans too.
Her phone interrupted her spiral with a text, Beca sniffing hard as she opened it.
STACIE: New statement from CB herself
STACIE: It’s actually really sweet
STACIE: I cancelled everything for today btw. Go home, get drunk,
cry on your sofa, whatever you need, I got you
Beca clicked on the link that Stacie had sent her, wiping her tears away with the sleeves of her hoodie so she could read it. Stacie was right; it was really sweet, really beautiful, really kind. Far more than she deserved probably, and definitely far more accurate. She must have been typing it while they were still on the phone. She sighed, clicking the like button on it, and typing out a comment, then deleting it. Then typing it. Then deleting it. Then typing. Nothing she had to say seemed good or eloquent enough.
‘Earlier today my (now fired) PR team put out a statement regarding the breakup between me and Beca Mitchell. The claims that it was because Beca was distant, too career focused, and all together disinterested in our relationship were patently untrue and insulting to us both. Beca was, and will always be, one of my favourite people on the planet, and has never been anything short of supportive, loving and utterly devoted throughout our relationship, romantic and otherwise. The split was a mutual decision rooted in private problems, and was a decision, although heartbreaking, made with both our best interests at heart.
We still plan on being in each other’s lives, as friends that are always there to support each other through continued success, and ask for privacy at this time while we figure out the new shape of our relationship. Beca is, and will always remain the most beautiful, talented, incredible person I have ever known, and I will always love her, no matter what form it takes going forward. She has never been anything less than my biggest supporter and I will be forever grateful for that.
~ Chloe x'
Beca read it again and again, kept typing out different responses and quickly deleting them. Was there really anything that she could say right now, anything that sounded even remotely as eloquent as Chloe’s statement. She should probably say something though, put all of these animosity rumours to rest in the vain hope she might actually get some privacy to deal with all of this.
bmitchell247: this. thanks for making me sound cooler than I actually am chlo, always and forever proud of you 🖤