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🎧 save me, 멎을 듯한 breath, 깊어진 daybreak // 이미 흐릿한 빛
ㄴ save me, my breath that might stop, deepening daybreak // the light is already blurry
When her teacher pulls her aside, Sekyung already knows she’s screwed.
“Alright, class, we’ll end it here for today. Make sure to get lots of rest tonight, and remember to continue practicing your respective pieces! Sekyung-ssi, please see me after class.”
Despite the burning stares of her classmates amidst the sound of zipping instrument cases and pushed back chairs, Sekyung keeps her head high when she approaches her teacher in the pit. Her teacher motions for her to wait as he packs up his own things.
Sekyung doesn’t know whether to be grateful for this or not. On one hand, it gives her time for her nosy classmates to file out of the room. On the other hand, Sekyung’s getting itchy the longer she waits. Still, all she can do is fold her hands in front of her and wait.
Finally, her teacher glances around and sets his briefcase on his chair. He pushes up his glasses as he and Sekyung exchange blank stares.
“Sekyung-ssi. I called you here regarding your performance today.”
Of course. Sekyung tries not to stiffen. Mutely, she nods.
Her teacher continues speaking. “As I’m sure you are well aware of, the showcase is in a number of weeks. It may seem far away, but as musicians, we must always be prepared and never underestimate the value of good practice. Of course, you know this, Sekyung-ssi.”
“I do,” she replies dutifully.
He nods, pleased. He barely looks like he’s scolding Sekyung, so she really doesn’t know why he’s wasting her time now. Nonetheless, she grits her teeth and waits for him to dismiss her.
“As such, I noticed that you have been a bit distracted as of late. Of course, compared to your peers, you stand at a higher level, but don’t tell them that, alright?” He chuckles, like he said something funny. “Regardless, it is pertinent to maintain one’s own standards. I’m sure your mother and tutors have ingrained high standards in you, yes?”
He doesn’t wait for Sekyung to nod. “Thus, this is just a gentle reminder to maintain excellence until the end.” Her teacher picks up his suitcase, to which Sekyung internally pumps a fist. Finally. “If there is anything on your mind that you’d like to share with me, I am always here. Aside from that, that is all I wanted to say.”
Her teacher gives her his signature stiff smile and tips his head to her. “Have a good night, Sekyung-ssi. I hope you’ll continue to practice in your own time.”
Sekyung agrees pleasantly and retreats to her music stand, where her cello case leans against her chair. “See you tomorrow, ssaem.” Slinging her case over her shoulder, Sekyung waves to him and steps into the hall. Outside, the 7:00 PM sky is already darkening. The smell of rain is oncoming when Sekyung finally enters her car.
Her chauffeur must sense her tiredness, if his lack of small talk is any indication. It lets her focus on perfecting her finger placements as she practices pressing the strings of the cello against her arm. Through all of it, though, Sekyung’s mind is elsewhere.
This is what ssaem was talking about, she thinks wryly. Still, Sekyung doesn’t stop her mind from wandering. Like it has for the past two weeks now, Sekyung’s mind conjures up the image of Yoon Cheongah.
They’re finally, finally, talking to each other online after some frankly embarrassing displays of begging from Sekyung to Sangah.
(“I don’t see why I have to be involved in this,” Sangah had grumbled when Sekyung asked for Cheongah’s social media handle for the nth time.
“You say that like you’re not her literal sister,” Sekyung dead-panned.
“Step-sister.”
“And that makes all the difference?”
“It does.” Sangah had turned up her nose from where she was slumped in Sekyung’s bean bag chair. “It means we’re not that close, so I can’t just be giving out her handle like that.”
“You’re not getting it,” Sekyung insisted. “You’re at least close enough to even follow her, and you’re the only one I know that does! I can’t even tell which account is hers!” Sekyung had tried combing through Sangah’s following list on her own profile, but after scrolling through what seemed like a million users, half of whom all had the default Instagram profile photo and no name, Sekyung was losing hope. So now she’s knelt in front of Sangah like a loser.
Sangah, that girl, looks completely unbothered. “You won’t find her,” she says matter-of-factly. “She’s private and she doesn’t have her name on her profile.”
“So just tell me!” Sekyung flopped back onto her bedroom floor. “Why are you being so secretive?”
“Why are you so interested?” Sangah had shot back. “She literally doesn’t post much.”
“Much, not anything,” Sekyung emphasized. “Which means she does post. And I want to see it. Please?”
Sangah looks unconvinced. “You’ve been obsessing over this girl since we were kids.”
Sekyung winces. Can you blame her? Someone like Cheongah, who’s pretty and funny and snarky with everyone, is someone Sekyung wants to pay attention to. It doesn’t help that she’s always hanging out with that stupid next door neighbor of hers, that boy and his idiot cousin who, for some god-forsaken reason, formed a trio with Cheongah in grade school and stuck together until high school while Sekyung looked on from afar.
All things considered, Sekyung should’ve gotten close to Cheongah ages ago. They have a mutual connection, Sangah, even if Cheongah and Sangah prefer to keep their circles separate (much to Sekyung’s annoyance). And they go to the same school, and Sekyung’s over at their house whenever Sangah’s not at hers, so she’s even seen Cheongah outside of school, and yet— they’ve just never talked. But Sekyung’s going to change that.
Sangah looked at her nails. “What do I get out of it?”
Sekyung shot up. “Really?”
Sangah gives her an unimpressed look. “What do I get out of it?” she repeats.
“Free concert tickets to my cousin’s band festival,” Sekyung offered.
Sangah pursed her lips.
“And you can meet them after.”
A raised eyebrow.
“And fifty dollars.”
“Deal.”
“What the fuck?” Sekyung gave her an incredulous look. “Are you serious?”
“Are you?” Sangah grinned, the evil one she smiles when she knows she’s got Sekyung backed in a corner. “I’m serious if you’re serious. I thought you wanted her handle?”
“But fifty dollars . . .” Sekyung closed her eyes and groaned. “Fine. But this is stupid. You’re literally rich.”
“Free money is free money.” Sangah shrugged and taps some buttons on the screen of her phone. “There, I sent it. Go be gay and free. Just do it out of my face, thanks.”
Sekyung didn’t deign that with a response.)
Predictably, Sekyung only manages to last thirty minutes of practice when she feels her eyes droop and her mind wander. Her desk lamp, the only light in her room, is more a soft glow than any permeating light. Sekyung feels her hands stiffen. So, like any other teenager her age, she switches her cello for her phone.
Her heart jumps into her throat when she opens Instagram and sees a new story from Cheongah. Sekyung doesn’t know why Sangah had lied and said Cheongah wasn’t that active, because it sure seemed like Cheongah was posting nearly every day since Sekyung started following her.
When she opens the story, it’s a picture of a book on a desk (Cheongah’s desk?). Sekyung jumps when she realizes she recognizes it: The Guy She Was Interested in Wasn’t a Guy After All.
Holy shit. Sekyung swipes up immediately.
You
You’re reading that manga?
vilavi1009
my friend recommended it to me
you know it?
You
i’m a huge literature nerd. I read anything from manga
to historical novels to foreign literature
vilavi1009
how prodigious
Sekyung blushes. She sprawls out on her bed, grinning up at her hands holding up her phone. Cheongah thinks I’m prodigious. Her cello leans against her desk, forgotten, as Sekyung absorbs herself in her conversation with Cheongah.
🎵 밤새 달린 DM 끝에 너의 잠 확 깨는 메시지 // "what's up on sunday?"
ㄴ after DMs all night, your message that wakes me up // “what’s up on sunday?”
Soon, the conversation turns from Sekyung’s manga recommendations to Cheongah’s music recommendations. This must be the third night that they’ve talked together, and usually Cheongah will cut off the conversation around 10:30, when she starts washing up for bed. But when 10:30 rolls around and Cheongah doesn’t show any signs of waning, Sekyung stops holding her breath.
Sometimes, Sekyung will nod off, but when she wakes up, Cheongah still has a couple messages left for her to answer. She’ll answer those, and they’ll keep talking, and then another lull in the conversation takes place. When that happens, Sekyung thinks Cheongah must’ve dozed off herself, but she waits, and somehow Cheongah always comes back online.
Sekyung doesn’t realize how long they’d been talking like this until she begins to see a waning light peek through her window. With a jolt, she looks at the time: 5:29 AM.
You
holy shit
i didn’t realize the time
vilavi1009
oops.
actually, i fell asleep a couple times, so i guess the time passed like that
you did too, though. right?
Sekyung kicks her feet at the thought of being read like this. I did, she types back happily.
She watches the three dots bounce.
vilavi1009
well, it’s a good thing tomorrow is saturday
or today, i guess
You
yeah
i don’t mind staying up to talk to you, though
Sekyung hits send and throws her phone across her bed. Once she’s sufficiently silently screamed into her pillow for not psyching herself out before sending that message, Sekyung picks up the phone again.
vilavi1009
right.
are you doing anything tomorrow?
It’s dizzying, the speed that Sekyung sits up on her bed. Suddenly, she’s wide awake. She wracks her brain for something appropriate to answer, and settles on—
You
tomorrow as in today, saturday? or sunday
vilavi1009
tomorrow as in tomorrow, sunday. who says tomorrow and means today?
Sekyung grins at her phone. She thinks that’s a joke, and the prospect of joking with Cheongah makes her giddy. Then, the question sets in. Sekyung frowns
You
i have a cello session with my tutors
i swear, they’re the worst. their sessions always take forever
why?
Cheongah’s typing bubble jumps up and down for a while. Sekyung bites her lip, beginning to grow nervous. What could she possibly be typing for so long?
vilavi1009
there’s a sale at this bookstore i like
it’s on sunday. i think they carry mangas, too, but usually i’m in the sign language section
i was going to ask if you wanted to go check it out. since you like mangas. but nevermind
Sekyung’s heart drops to her stomach. Cheongah wants to hang out? She types swiftly.
You
i can cancel
vilavi1009
no, it’s okay. my friend also wanted to go, so i can just go with him
you have your showcase soon, right? even prodigies should practice.
have fun with cello practice tomorrow.
or as much fun as you can have playing cello, i guess
Sekyung wants to push, but she holds back. They’ve only been talking for a couple nights, so she probably wouldn’t take kindly to Sekyung insisting on meeting up on Sunday and cancelling her practice. Not to mention Sekyung’s mom would have her head for skipping another practice. Drat.
When it seems like Cheongah won’t send any more messages, Sekyung drops her phone next to her head and groans into her hands.
Fuck this stupid instrument, Sekyung thinks miserably. It’s the root of all evil, I swear.
When she hears shuffling in the hallway outside her door, Sekyung leans over and quickly shuts off her desk lamp. She flops back onto her bed and sighs.
Might as well get some sleep. Sekyung tugs her blanket half-heartedly over her chest. If she’s going to be chained to tutoring all day tomorrow, she’d better get all the rest she can now.
🎧 you keep makin' movie scenes, just in my head // 모든 장르를 다 초월해
ㄴ you keep makin’ movie scenes, just in my head // surpassing all genres
When she dreams, Sekyung dreams of Cheongah.
Typical, she can hear Sangah scoff in her head. Sekyung shushes her with a cold look.
In this dream, she’s not stuck in practice and actually got to hang out with Cheongah on Sunday. Since it’s all in Sekyung’s imagination, she’ll say that it’s a date. It’s picture-esque, the way she and Cheongah are spending their date.
First, they’re at the bookstore. In this dream, Sekyung’s actually mastered sign language (a clear tell this isn’t reality, because her signing is not nearly this good in real life), so they’re conversing in their own secret language as they walk through the store.
Cheongah’s showing her the ASL aisle and the different books on art history she wants to buy. Then, Sekyung’s taking her hand and leading her to the manga section, where she points out all the series she’s read to Cheongah. Here, Cheongah actually looks interested, not bored the way Sangah always looks when Sekyung starts nerding out about mangas.
When they check out, Sekyung and Cheongah stop by an ice cream shop. They get free ice cream, courtesy of Cheongah’s stupid best friend who works a part-time job here. Luckily, he’s not as annoying in her dream as he is in real life, so Sekyung feels less of an urge to flick his forehead when he hands them their cups with a grin.
He signs something to Cheongah, but Sekyung lets it slide. This may be a dream, but she’s not completely delusional to think Cheongah’s best friend (what was his name again? Chan-something? Chan-yi?) wouldn’t make a quip to her when they run into each other. You win some, you lose some.
When they sit down, both Sekyung and Cheongah reach into their bags. They each pull out a book and shyly slide them across the table to each other. Cheongah explains that she bought a book for Sekyung, one she highly recommends, and Sekyung responds happily that she had the exact same thought.
They exchange books and giggle over ice cream as they flip through their books. It’s a perfect date, the picture of youthful romance.
Suddenly, Cheongah’s best friend walks over. He winks exaggeratedly at them, and Sekyung’s about to retort at him to leave, but something stops her in her tracks.
He takes Cheongah’s hand in his and lifts it to his lips, placing a kiss on her knuckles. Instead of slapping him like he rightfully deserves, Cheongah blushes.
What is going on? Sekyung is shell-shocked, frozen in place in that annoying dream-like paralysis, as he flirts with Cheongah. Right in front of Sekyung!
And then the dream takes a turn, and now Sekyung is the one standing over the table, wearing the stupid pink apron and the flimsy paper hat, as Cheongah’s best friend (Sekyung cannot for the life of her remember his name) sits in the seat she once occupied. Worse, instead of looking up like she was moments before, Cheongah’s staring across the table at him.
“Shoo,” he says. He waves a dismissive hand at Sekyung, not even sparing her a glance.
Sekyung sputters. She looks at Cheongah, but she only has eyes for her best friend (boyfriend? Sekyung thinks with horror).
You’re so funny, Yichan, she signs.
Sekyung feels like a bucket of ice water was just dumped all over her.
Yichan.
She clenches a fist. This dream just turned into her worst nightmare.
🎵 hey, boy, you make me jellyous // wait, 이거 맞지 date인 거? // hey, 손까지만 잡는 거 // i can't help but feeling so much jellyous
ㄴ hey, boy, you make me jellyous // wait, is this a date? // hey, holding hands // i can’t help but feeling so much jellyous
When she wakes, the first thing Sekyung thinks is that she’s glad it wasn’t real. She places a hand over her chest, feeling her rapid heartbeat underneath her palm.
Sekyung unclenches her jaw. She hadn’t even realized she was gritting her teeth. What a fucking nightmare.
Waking up well into the afternoon, Sekyung chooses to laze around and overthink for the rest of Saturday.
What are they? Sekyung taps a finger on her chin. They’ve always been close, Cheongah and her best friend, and they have a weird little trio going on with that boy’s cousin.
Sekyung remembers another thing and tastes a sourness in her mouth.
In grade school, they used to love playing family. Cheongah would be the mom, her best friend would be the dad, and that stinky cousin would be the son (and Sekyung would be the bitter next-door neighbor spying on the happy family). Since the two boys knew sign language the best, they naturally were closest to Cheongah. Cheongah always looked the most comfortable with them, and Sekyung can’t fault them for that.
Even though Sekyung tried to pick up sign language herself, she was missing one crucial part: someone to practice with. Sangah was no better than Sekyung herself, and she was always more interested in gossiping than helping Sekyung learn, which really stunted her progress. Which is why she’s halfway through high school and still can’t say more than a basic greeting.
So while Cheongah and her two best friends stuck together like peas in a pod, chattering silently to their hearts' delight, Sekyung was stuck on the sideline. Their little family-roleplay seemed to take stronger effect in high school, where Sekyung began hearing rumors of the two of them dating. Of course, she ignored all of them, but that doesn’t mean the nosy kids at their school weren’t still gossiping.
When she goes to sleep that night, Sekyung wills herself not to dream about Cheongah and her ambiguous best friend / possible-boyfriend. Instead, she dreams of failed rehearsals and crushing disappointment. Wonderful.
On Sunday, Sekyung wakes up with a vengeance. Her mom barges into her room and yanks open her curtains, tugging her blanket off of her and exposing Sekyung’s drowsy self to the shining world. She curls up in bed, but it’s no use.
“Your showcase is in a matter of weeks, Sekyung,” her mom chides. She rounds the bed and brushes a hair out of her face. “Now get up. The tutor is already here.”
“Huh?!”
I’m seriously in hell, Sekyung thinks. Her tutor tuts again and instructs her to fix her finger placement on the fret. Sekyung barely gives a fuck and wants to check her phone, but her tutor had locked it up two hours ago with no sign of release.
Some hours after lunchtime, Sekyung is finally free. She bows politely to her tutor, thanks her for her time, and bolts to her room with her phone in hand. Sekyung throws herself onto the bed and opens her phone.
Just her luck: Cheongah added to her story. Sekyung clicks into it happily and freezes.
There’s two stories. The first one is a repost of another account’s—hi2channnnn—story. It’s a split frame, where the top frame is Cheongah holding a book in front of her face. With a sinking heart, Sekyung realizes it’s one of her favorite manga. It matches the blues of the cardigan and skirt of Cheongah’s outfit.
That looks like a cute outfit. I wish I could see the rest of it. She can’t, of course, because it’s a photo cropped in favor of the photo that takes up the lower half of the screen: a boy, holding up an art history book in front of his face in a similar pose to Cheongah.
Yichan. Sekyung clenches a fist.
She taps to the next story and nearly regrets it immediately.
It’s another repost from that account. This time, they’re in some café. From the angle of the photo, Sekyung can tell Yichan’s holding the phone with one hand as his other hand clasps Cheongah’s, forming a point as both their elbows rest on the table.
The caption reads: loser pays for the ice cream. think i can beat her?
Of course not. Sekyung snorts bitterly, even though she knows that’s not true at all and Cheongah has the strength of a fly. It’s the principle of the matter.
Sekyung closes the app and turns off her phone. Her stomach churns in her stomach.
So he’s the friend she’s hanging out with today. Sekyung should’ve expected it, but it still feels like there’s a heavy boot on her chest. She presses the heels of her palms into her eyes and groans.
Fuck. I’m so jealous.
🎧 I can't stop thinking 'bout you // 이젠 너에게로 갈게, 더 늦기 전에 나
ㄴ i can’t stop thinking ‘bout you // i’ll go to you now, before it’s too late
You
hey
sssangahhh
what
if it’s about cheongah i don’t wanna hear it
Sekyung pretends not to read that last message.
You
do you know what’s going on between cheongah and her ugly best friend
sssangahhh
which one
You
the one that’s our age
sssangahhh
oh, him
did you see her story
You
YES
i feel like i’m going insane
are they dating or something i really don’t get it
she can do so much better than him
(me)
sssangahhh
first of all, ew
second of all, i knew you were delusional, but not this delusional
what devil in your ear told you they’re dating
You
i really hate to say this but i have eyes
the way he posts her is so ugh
i can’t even stand to look at it
sssangahhh
are you dense
i thought you’ve been talking to her
You
i KNOWWW i HAVE
so i’m really not getting what she sees in him
sssangahhh
have you considered they’re not dating
You
then why are they always doing that family shtick
sssangahhh
they haven’t done that “family shtick” in five million years
and i’d argue they have a running gag where they’re twins because of how similar they look
looking like siblings or dating i swear
You
then why do they call that other guy their son
sssangahhh
again no one has said that since like the fourth grade
you’re just holding a grudge
You
wait a minute… it’s all clicking…
YOU’RE RIGHT
you’re a fucking genius i could kiss you
sssangahhh
please don’t
go kiss cheongah or something
You
aw i didn’t know you supported us
maybe i’ll let you come to the wedding
sssangahhh
i said OR SOMETHING. i swear you have selective reading or some shit
You
can’t hear you. busy planning my wedding with cheongah
sssangahhh
you’re fucking weird
🎵 내일 일은 내일의 내게 맡겨 (jellyous) // 고민은 back off, back off, 내일로 back off (please back off) // 너로 가득 찬 맘 super jellyous
ㄴ tomorrow’s me will deal with tomorrow’s problems // worries back off, back off, back off til tomorrow // my heart's full of you, super jellyous
Sekyung begins formulating her plan. It comes together and rotates around in her mind like a kimbap in a microwave.
Let’s think. What does Cheongah like?
Watermelons. Music. Art.
Should Sekyung cut up some watermelon and give it to her?
Watermelons aren’t in season right now, Sangah admonishes in her head.
Then that’ll make it more special if I give them to her, Sekyung argues back.
And where are you going to get watermelons?
Sekyung falls silent. Dang.
Okay, not watermelons. Maybe something watermelon flavored? Sekyung thinks of the local convenience store and imagines herself in the snack aisle, reaching for some snacks.
Some gum? Is Cheongah the type of chew gum? Somehow, Sekyung thinks no.
What about sour strips? Hm. Sour candy is a delicate gift that should only be given to people who like sour candy. Sekyung isn’t sure if Cheongah likes sour candy (yet! Sekyung is on an unending mission to learn everything about Cheongah).
Or watermelon jellies? Sekyung snaps her fingers. That’s it. Jellies are neutral enough that anyone can enjoy them, so they make the perfect snack.
Sekyung thinks about Yichan’s Instagram story. They were at the bookstore, but Sekyung doesn’t know if they actually bought the books or just posed with them. Regardless, Sekyung needs to top that somehow.
Her gaze drifts to her desk.
Getting up, Sekyung pads over to her bookshelf. She pulls out a familiar novel, a volume of a manga series she cherishes deeply. It’s worn down from the test of time and the love that’s interspliced between each page, evident in how soft and feathery they are from frequent turning.
Such sentimentality won’t be unnoticed by a warm soul like hers, Sekyung thinks. From Sekyung’s hands to Cheongah’s—how romantic is that?
At her desk, an envelope catches her eye. They’re the concert tickets Sekyung promised Sangah. Another lightbulb lights up above Sekyung’s head.
Music! Has Cheongah ever experienced live music? If she hasn’t, Sekyung will give her the best experience possible. If she has, then Sekyung will simply top that one with her own.
Sorry, Sangah, Sekyung thinks, but she’s not really. The girl’s already getting fifty dollars out of Sekyung, and Sekyung knows for a fact that Sangah cares less about the live music than she does about ogling college-aged bandsmen. She’ll live.
That settles it, then. Sekyung walks backward to her bed and stares up at the ceiling, sighing deeply.
Tomorrow, she’ll head to the convenience store and pick up watermelon jellies. She’ll bring nice wrapping paper and a bow, and her manga will be similarly wrapped, and she’ll present the envelope with the tickets as a final touch.
Tomorrow, Sekyung promises. This is a plan for tomorrow’s Sekyung to execute. For now, today’s Sekyung turns her face to the pillow and closes her eyes. Tonight, she’ll dream of Cheongah and her bright smile.