Chapter Text
Berdly knew who he was, even if he dreamed of being something else.
But somehow, somewhere, between the age where everybody asked you what you were going to be ‘When you grew up’, and the age where people started asking ‘What your plans are for college’ you seemed to just. Sort of. Become somebody the same way you filled a desk, or… maybe a locker.
As a person, he was pretty much a school locker at the top of June. Full to bursting with school textbooks, and handouts, and things nobody but him cared about, and somehow it didn’t matter how carefully organized he kept things, at some point… it all just. Collapsed, like an ill built nest in a sapling, into a sad, paper-pile mess.
His actual locker was, actually, very well organized. He’d just started keeping his books in his backpack permanently, along with his Most Important binder. The one that religiously went into his backpack at home, and never stayed in his locker long at school. Nobody but him would have cared. It had his notes, and assignments, and his best stickers got put on it. And. Also.
In the very back, hidden from primordial child shame, was a single ancient, half-crumpled, half-smoothed back out first grade questionnaire.
He had written it carefully. It had felt important. An Official Document of What He Would One Day Be! An Oath! He had used his very finest cursive, or. Little kid attempt. He had been proud. And then he had made the mistake of showing a classmate.
‘When I grow up, I want to be a Loyal and True Knight’. Berdly, Age 6.
His classmates had laughed at him. Which, now, he felt wasn’t fair, since Jockington had written that he wanted to be ‘A football goal’ when he grew up, which seemed implausible. But he was Jockington. And Berdly was Berdly. Berdly had crumpled it up and lied to Ms. Toriel that he’d messed up his spelling to get a second sheet. He’d just written ‘a Genius Teacher Like My Mom’ on it, and nobody had laughed, but they hadn’t really listened to him either. Even Ms. Toriel had said that it was ‘Was Very Nice’, a teacher’s verbal B+, though he’d appreciated her complimenting his capital G.
She was nice like that. But it had been Kris who had pulled his sheet out of the trash. Berdly had watched in horror when Kris wandered up to him holding it. Everyone else had moved on to their Home Snacks and Free Quiet Play and left his broken little bird heart behind without a second thought by then. Kris had offered the paper back out to him, and when Berdly had reluctantly taken it, had leaned in, and whispered two words.
“Me too.”
And for at least a little while- he was sure, long enough for the memory to linger, they had sat together and he’d let Kris have one of his peanut butter and seed bars from home. Kris had let him have their red and green apple slices, and they had talked about knights.
Probably. Probably not for very long. Unless Asriel… and Noelle… and. Dess. Had all been absent that day, or something. He didn’t remember that well.
He just knew he had brought the assignment sheet home with him. The original, forever marked by how crumpled it had become. Hidden in his school binders at first. Transferred from year to year. He kept it at home every summer vacation, but returned it to his locker every term. That way he didn’t have to worry about his mom stumbling across it. He’d rather have discussed his collection of imported romantic comics of No Particular Unified Genre with his mother. At least that would have ended with another clumsy pride flag purchase and some awkward Japanese vocabulary questions from her.
He would survive that. For some reason he wasn’t sure he’d survive trying to explain ‘When I grow up, I want to be a Loyal and True Knight’ to her, or why he had kept it, or what it even meant. His mother was wonderful. She was very patient with him, and kind. She’d probably think it was cute. And then she’d be very sad, because he would have exploded, somehow.
A classmate seeing he… well. Depended on the classmate. He didn’t really care what most of them thought of him, outside of knowing they didn’t think about him at all.
It felt pointless sometimes, when he tucked it from one binder to the next… once literally, because his Mom had knocked on his door and he’d panicked, so the sheet had wound up crammed under his shirt. After that, he’d borrowed the Library office equipment after-hours to laminate it. Just in case of any similar future incident. He had been on red alert of anybody finding him abusing his powers in such a way, but. He had just. Needed to.
He allowed himself very few things. Late night gaming sessions when someone could be on mic with him and his mom was still at work. More Pigmented Auroch energy drinks then a growing boy really should be drinking. Even in his own head, he didn’t let himself… He tried. Very, very hard, to be good.
He just. Needed his silly sheet of paper. He needed it, so he could still dream.
Berdly dreamed of devotion. Of adhering to a code so purely, and truly, that he could stand between his beloved and the very end of the world. That if he truly, truly, tried to be exactly what he dreamed of being, no matter how badly it hurt him, he could make himself into something. Something better then just being a person.
Berdly dreamed of a love that could have made him into a sword and shield, instead of having to be Berdly at all. And because he dreamed… he could live with being Berdly.
But he also had to be a Knight, or else he couldn’t have been anything. Even if no one knew WHAT he was besides him, and Kris, he still knew he was terrible at it.
He tried harder to make up for it. He studied. He stayed by Noelle's side. And as often as he could, he tried to improve himself. He was never satisfied by the results. Dance class had made him graceful… but the only kid who found ballroom dancing fun was Kris. Volunteering was rewarding! Training was exhilarating! …But neither was really the same as spending time with people his own age. Even his First Aid training hadn’t ever come in handy, which was. Good. Obviously.
Of course it was good.
He never wavered. A peace such as this, he would remind himself as he stood behind the counter of the library and watched life pass by without making eye contact, was what all great warriors strove for.
Wishing for something bad to happen would have been horrible of him; Berdly wouldn’t have hesitated to sacrifice his own ability to have something interesting happen, if it meant something bad didn’t. But he did. Sometimes. Let himself wish.
That maybe somebody would need him.
Someone, someday, would choose Berdly.
He didn’t need to be their first choice. Just someone’s choice, instead of feeling like life’s perfect attendance award.
Instead of being the person who had been really excited to see Noelle, Susie, and Kris at the festival, and knew deep down he was only kidding himself if he thought they were excited to see him.
He. Hadn’t had any idea why, besides Whatever it Was About Berdly That Made Almost Everyone Not Like Being Around Him. So far as he knew that was just how socializing worked, for him. Finding out it had just been because he had catastrophically misread several situations, was. Jarring. But he took it in strides as he stepped from rejection to rejection. After all. How wonderful, if Noelle truly had fallen in love!
But it did make stepping in front of Kris feel. A little. Like he was standing in front of a one-person firing squad of love. Still, he let himself have a tiny bit of hope as he opened his beak, but.
Just as he had been about to speak, a sudden breeze blew past. Not a gale force but- sharp, and a little cold, and harsh enough to sweep Kris' bangs aside a moment. It made him pause, feathers warm enough it hardly cut through him or anything, just. Just.
Something about it made him pause, because Kris had reacted to the breeze by shivering rather violently. As if they were reacting subtly to being nudged in a crowd, or being subtly pushed. It made Berdly pause, beak clicking shut as he stopped. Because now he was actually looking at them.
He couldn’t help notice they looked. Terrible.
Berdly knew Kris. Had known Kris most of both of their lives, even if he never would have dared described them as close. He’d just been to Kris’ house, and Kris had been to him and his mom's apartment, and they played Minecrap together late because nobody else really played it at school. Besides Yellow Kid, who sucked and just liked to blow things up in Creative. And Noelle, but she was always a little more into urban legends then really… playing.
But Berdly knew them. Kris knew him. They’d been on field trips and their moms went to educational conferences, and they had the same out of town doctor. They couldn’t really NOT know each other. So, Berdly knew Kris was so good at hiding when they felt sick. They had managed to fool their own literal mother long enough for gastrointestinal tragedy to strike at a school field trip to Nine Banners Amusement Park.
Now… he realized with a shock, Kris had That Look. Glassy, shiny eyes. Dark hollows. Sweat on a dull, faintly greyish cheek. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Susie glance at them, and Noelle lean around Susie to stare. Had she seen it too..?
The amusement park incident hadn’t been why Berdly had paid so much attention to Human First Aid. It had just been part of the training for First Aid Certification, and having that meant he could do his elder care volunteer work with a lot more confidence, and work the library front desk by himself. …but. He’d thought about it, while he had studied a list of frighteningly subtle signs of human injury and illness. What If Ms. Dreemur wasn’t around one day? Someone should be able to help Kris, he had thought, and had then pretended he meant ‘or any other human around’.
But Berdly wavered, unsure. Kris must have decided to go to the festival anyways. Surely, next, he asked Kris if they wished to go to the festival with him! Kris had already agreed, over the phone, after all. That was. What he.
That was what Berdly said next. But Kris was shivering as if it was far colder then a relatively balmy, sunshiny fall day. They were almost rattling in place from head to toe, like the ghost of a memory of a dream of the world behind driving snow and sleet. And a part of Berdly he had never cared enough about other peoples opinions to kill entirely reached up and took over without letting him think about it at all, as surely as it had when he had tightened his grip on a halberd.
…In a dream. That had felt very real, and left him with a notch missing in his wingfeathers, and a strangely sore neck.
“…Are. Are you alright, Kris…?” He asked, straightening up, dropping his usual playful banter entirely as he tapped his wings together anxiously.
“Huh? Wh- what?” Susie murmured, glancing between them both. Kris’ eyes went wide, a flash of white behind their bangs. He didn’t pay her much mind, still focused on Kris. At Susie’s side, Noelle had sprung forward, hooves nervously tapping on the sidewalk. She’d Also gotten First Aid certification, and they had both intently studied diagrams and charts and faced up against the Horrible CPR Dummies and the weird device you had to use to make monster to human breath exchange work. Berdly might have welcomed her help, truthfully. But.
As soon as Noelle stepped forward, Kris suddenly moved. A snap forward, nearly careening into Berdly as they grabbed onto his wing. He managed to put the breaks on Just before he would have toppled over from the impact, doing sort of a 90 degree angle trick in the middle. When he got upright again. Kris’ hand had wrapped around his talons, holding on so tightly, Berdly couldn’t have pulled away without genuine effort.
He did absolutely no such thing. Instead he stepped a little closer, thoughts blanked out completely from a combination of worry, and Kris’ Hand Was Holding His, and it was.
Cold. Cold in a way that worried him more then Susie’s jaw dropping as she pointed kind of aggressively at Kris holding his hand. Berdly only really saw that in his peripheral vision, and didn’t see Noelle's reaction at all. His eyes were locked on Kris.
“I’m. Just. Excited to go.” Kris said, slowly, even as they turned their head away from Susie and Noelle, bangs shifting to cover more of their face.. “To the Festival.” they tried to turn their head even further, as their cheeks went faintly- to Berdly's shock- pink. He felt Kris take a deep breath. They were Very Close.
“With Berdly.” they announced. Then went silent. Berdly stared down at them, feeling heat build under his feathers as he went from blue to red. Kris glanced to him, then glanced away.
“I’m going to the Festival with Berdly.” Kris said, re-stating themselves with a sudden burst of emphasis that almost made Berdly jump- and he did hear the distinct sound of Noelle landing on the pavement. Berdly glanced up, and for a moment, wished he could have taken a picture. Susie’s face would have made an incredible ‘Pog’ emote. And Noelle…looked. Maybe the most surprised he’d ever seen her, outside of his strange dream.
He could hardly blame them. It was a dramatic scene. Much more so then either girl could possibly have known. Because he was sure neither of them could see what he had. They were too far away. Only in Berdly's adaptive lenses was it possible to make out Kris' eyes shining miserably. Welling up with pinpricks of tears that, as he glanced at Kris again, Berdly was sure he could see sparkling against dark lashes like little stars. Was it getting worse???
Berdly didn’t think fast. He didn’t think at all. He just lifted his free wing up, flourishing it between Kris and the concerned girls. He cleared his throat, and tried to relax, stepping one foot in front of the other as if he was going to bow elegantly. Totally out of order for a proper bow, but. Whatever.
“My ladies!” he announced, and tilted his head to let the sunshine glint off his glasses just so. “I apologize.” he said gravely, and lowered his head as well, taking the moment to glance to Kris. “I misunderstood the situation… terribly. But, let my buffoonish misunderstanding be no more then a comedic footnote on this day in history! …Truly.” he said, lifting his head again- smiling at them both brightly. Really. Honestly. Truly.
Looking at them… they looked wonderful together. Noelle was smiling shyly. Susie was shifting and swaying on her feet with a little grin he… did. Truly find charming. He had been a fool, hadn’t he.
He smiled even brighter to cover he realization he’d been. Being a jerk to a Perfectly Nice(???) seeming(?) girl, resolved to make right someday, and swept his wing away from Kris to gesture it over them both, hoping from the bottom of his heart he could, somehow, really, truly, somehow offer a knight's blessing.
“Susie! Noelle! I wish you both the very happiest of days at the festival!” he announced, as behind the screen of Berdly’s wing, Kris distinctly inclined their head off down the street, twice. At the same time they subtly bounced on their heels, a piano (as in the music term) version of their jumping in videogames for attention. Berdly took the hint, and lowered his head towards the ground to show Tragic Regret.
“But… as much as I wish. We could stay… and tend to our beautiful lily garden.” he said, with a soft, truly sorrowful sincerity.
“Um?” Noelle murmured.
“Like… at Asgore’s….?” Susie rudely almost interrupted. He paid them both no heed. Clearly both addlepated by the severity of their Dokis.
“We must away! But remember! There can only be one Festival King and Queen-!” Berdly began to cry out, lifting his wing to point at the girls- before Kris’ hand swapped its grip on his wing from ‘worrying medically’ to ‘cautionary’, their elbow raising up to Berdly’s ribcage like a dagger at a mans back.
“Which (I was literally going to SAY, stay your elbow!) will very clearly be you two, in whatever combination of Queen or King you prefer!” he added, glaring down at Kris for a moment because he really HAD BEEN about to add that himself, Rude. Berdly snapped back up into another dramatic pose, dropping his head back, and putting his free wing to his forhead. At his side, Kris seemed to think a moment, then mirrored the pose, but with their head down, hand over their head as if in mourning.
“THEN I and Kris can be your LOYAL KNIGHTS of romance!” he announced, completely ready to pledge himself under their combined banners. Of. Maybe. A sword crossed with a…what weapon would Susie use? He’d have to ask Kris. Maybe they could design shields together!
Then he froze, as he heard a soft, wheezy, odd sound. Like a horror movie monsters wheeze but… soft?
He glanced to the girls, and realized, to his shock, it was Susie, laughing, but… quietly. Then she sighed, and smiled at them both- a little, soft smile he had never seen before. She looked. Happy. Genuinely happy for them.
“What the hell… you two are cute.” Susie said, sounding gently surprised herself she was saying it. Berdly could feel his feather puffing, and when he glanced down… Kris was blushing. But. Also. He kept one eye Kris’ face, as Susie made a soft ‘Jeeze’ kind of sound.
“Guess we both got… kind of a type, huh?” Susie said, and chuckled. Kris’ expression changed.
Berdly instantly grabbed Kris, and pivoted them both neatly on one taloned foot, turning them tank-control style 180 away from the girls. It probably left a half centimeter of talon behind on the sidewalk, but it was worth it so that Kris wouldn’t have to keep looking at Susie and Noelle like that. Thankfully, he could cover by whipping his wing out again, posing again.
“Thank you.” Berdly said, and meant it- being someones type sounded nice. But Kris had wanted out, so Berdly had to keep trying to cutscene cancel for his life.
“But we must away!” he announced. “I haven’t YET begun to romance!”
“W-wait!” Noelle called out- making him, and Kris, freeze in harmony mid-step. Berdly wondered, in the din of an otherwise perfectly empty brain mostly filled with panicked bird sounds, where the hell this unity had been on the ill fated day of the third grade three-legged Spring Festival race the one time Asriel had been home sick.
“Yes, Noelle?” he asked brightly, turning his head all the way around, looking at them over his own shoulder blades to maintain Kris’ honor.
“W-well. Maybe. We could… if. Just. Um.” Noelle said, uncertainly. Next to her, Susie sighed, and locked her hands behind her head, cracking a small smile as she kicked a rock on the ground.
“Look. Uh. Kris was showing us around, since it’s my first time, so.” Susie said, shrugging at them casually. “Fours', like, more stable or whatever, right? Whaddya say, nerd n’ Berd? You can tell us the whole history of ferris wheels or whatever, an’ me and Noelle can throw dirt clods while you two ride. And then we can trade!” Susie asked. Somehow, she looked so inviting, so receptively friendly. So… excited about the dirt clods?
“Y-yeah! It. It’d be fun.” Noelle chimed in, glancing at Susie with a little smile. …Berdly hadn’t seen her smile like that in a long time. And it did sound. Fun. More then fun. It was the kind of rosy, youthful memory he had always assumed he would only ever see from a distance. And Susie and Noelle looked so hopeful. So expectant. It was such a nice day. It would have taken the world's greatest knave to refuse..
But when Berdly looked from the girls' hopeful faces, down to Kris, he saw Kris had closed their eyes tightly shut. They looked agonized. And if Berdly knew one thing about himself. Truly, well and truly, so well it seemed to haunt him even in his most beautiful far fetched dreams…
He was no hero.
No hero at all.
Kris shook their head, back and forth, a distinct, clear, ‘No’. And Berdly knew, then and there.
A knave had his place in this world.
“My apologies. Kris would obviously love nothing more.” Berdly lied(?). It was definitely a fib in intention, and to his best slash. Maybe Only(?) friend. And also to Susie, who he hadn’t really known long, or well. But he’d already been a jerk to her before, and she looked genuinely dissapointed in a way that made him feel a little ashamed of himself.
He just wasn’t about to let shame stop him from doing what Kris needed, was all. He… tried to soften the blow, still.
“A-and! I would be. Happy to indulge them! Normally! It. It sounds like a wonderful time. But.” he tried to correct, desperately. A small tug on his arm made him pause, and Kris leaned up, whispering something so low, surely, only he could have heard it.
“It’s their first time. They don’t need training wheels.” Kris murmured against Berdly’s ear feathers (regrettably kris had figured out where his ears Actually Were long, long ago, when the tyrannical Wet Willy ruled the horrid earth).
“…You two are. Hanging out… for the first time.” Berdly relayed or. Borrowed the words, maybe. He adjusted his glasses, keeping his gaze fixed on the girls. The hurt seemed, at least, to have been replaced on Susie with a shy blush, and Noelle had suddenly taken an interest in the sky, stamping from hoof to hoof the same way she did at track meets. It gave Berdly the confidence to keep going, improvising a little off script from sheer fondness.
“You two should cherish such a special event such as this!” he said brightly, overwhelmed by the sheer wonder of Love and Lesbianism on the planet earth for a moment. “You’re hardly in need of a tutorial now-!” Berdly said, enthusiasm carrying him, unaware he had just direly miscalculated.
“Uh. Actually.” Susie said, glancing away with a pout, hands shoved deep in her pockets.
“I wouldn’t mash the A button to get out of one. Um. Hypothetically!!!!” Noelle said brightly, shoulders up in that way that made her hair seem puffier then usual, looking Anywhere but At Berdly. Both girls truly seemed flustered by the idea of being left alone with each other.
Berdly stared at them both a moment in quiet shock. Then turned his head all the way back around to look at Kris (sort of taking the long way around, he’d had to 180 his head from the opposite side to not clock Kris with his beak). Misery and fondness were sparkling on the tears in Kris’ eyes. The sight made Berdly's knightly heart seize, sure he’d made a mistake asking anyone else in the world to the fair. He should have swept right up to Kris. With flowers. Roses. Too late.
(Had he thought Kris was so beautiful all along…?) he thought, as Kris’ head ducked lower.
Always too late. He never thought fast enough.
“…they’ve been to everything but the ferris wheel” Kris murmured, interrupting Berdly’s flustered thoughts, then paused, and shook their head. “No. Ice cream. Too. They need to get ice cream. It’s really important.” they said. Berdly nodded, taking it on total faith it Was important they get ice cream, obviously, and turned back to the girls.
“Very well! If it’s a tutorial you need, then allow me to avail you of some simple objectives!!” he announced, raising a wing into the air to point upwards. “FIRST… avail yourself of the majestic ferris wheel! Gaze in wonder at it’s nearly two stories maximum height! Drink in the romance of the fall foliage, perchance to see all the way to the lake!” Berdly said grandly, sweeping his wing through the air. By his side, Kris snorted, very faintly, and lowered their head.
“….R-ride the ferris wheel. Got it.” Noelle said, blinking at him unnecessarily cartoonishly, in Berdly’s opinion. Susie stared, but also nodded, glancing towards the ferris wheel.
“I think I can handle it.” Susie said, a little more boldly then she had looked, as she gave him a firm thumbs up. Like a poster of a woman about to go to war. He nodded to her firmly, understanding. Perhaps even sharing a glance of mutual, terrified gay camaraderie? He liked to think so.
“And then, I recommend afterwards you enjoy a sweet, frozen confection of some kind! I’m sure you can think of something.” He lifted an eyebrow. “Perhaps, as a clue, you might consider… looking for a skeleton in blue…?” he floated.
“…Should we write this down.” Susie muttered softly, to Noelle.
“Um. I think I can remember” Noelle whispered back, giggling softly
“And… then…” Berdly felt compelled to add a third thing, but Kris’ speech seemed to have run out. Berdly could feel them waver, before they leaned on Berdly’s wing slightly. He was on his own.
“…Then. Make some nice memories.” Berdly said, smiling sheepishly, because he didn’t have time to think about what sounded right. “It won’t be hard. You’re both. Really lovely. You’ll S-rank it.” was all he could think to say before he turned away from them both completely, and walked Kris quickly down the street. It felt… silly, to have said. And simple, and obviously inadequate, but it was all he could think of.
…Well. So was he, in the end. Silly. Simple.
Obviously inadequate.
But for whatever reason, Kris had chosen to take his wing, instead of (Berdly assumed) ruining the girls’ date by being sick, or tired, or… or… or whatever had happened. They were trusting him with it, in some way.
He could be their knight. As long as Kris needed it.
His old ally, once more. The Public library, opened it’s little-to-never used side door to him, as he half walked, half increasingly carried Kris inside, as the human slowly slumped against his wing.