Chapter Text
“For the last time,” Shen Yuan sighs, “no, I'm not interested in your friend's daughter!”
His father looks at him in disappointment. “A-Yuan, you are at an age where young men should try to look around for…potential partners. It's time to slowly settle down.”
Shen Yuan sneers in annoyance. He is usually quite put-together, but ever since his parents descended into frenzy over him still being single, he has lost some precious peace and quiet.
“A-Yuan, come on. You're a young pretty man, and with our income you have nothing to worry about. Your allowance is beyond generous! We give it so you can go out with friends, or to buy something for a girl you like. Why don't you at least try?”
With a flourish his father shoved a photo of some girl to his face.
Sure, the girl was pretty. Objectively speaking, she was gorgeous. But Shen Yuan felt absolutely zero desire to date at all. Maybe in some distant, hypothetical future when he found the right person… but definitely not now.
He pushed the photo back across the desk. “I thought arranged dating went out of style a few decades ago,” he mumbled, turning back to his monitor. “But fine. If you leave me alone, I’ll try to find someone on my own.”
It was a blatant, shameless lie.
However, his father saw a small spark of hope and immediately seized it. “Alright, A-Yuan. But really try! We can’t have you lonely forever.” He laughed, patting Shen Yuan on the shoulder before finally leaving the room.
Shen Yuan takes a deep breath. This can only happen to him.
He never had a desire for dating of any sorts, nor had any crushes. He can appreciate a beautiful girl, but he never felt anything towards them.
Truthfully, he thinks it's because of his mature intellect. He values his time and he sees the relationships around him collapse, so why put himself under the same stress?
“What a bother,” he sighs as he fixes his glasses. He looks up at his PIDW posters above bed. Luo Binghe had 3000 concubines. How unrealistic.
“Stupid author,” he huffs as he starts up his computer.
He hates the whole romance written in that novel. 3000 women would realistically be there for his money, and not because of his blazing looks.
Wait…
An idea pops to his mind. One so shameful he had to stop what he was doing. He looks over his posters and then down to his computer.
He would never dream about dropping so low, but his parents gave him no other options.
With a decisive click he leaves the PIDW forum and opens his Discord. His father was right in one thing, he had lots of money to give.
————
Shang Qinghua stared at himself in the mirror. He looked unrecognisable. But that was the whole appeal.
This was the second time he crossdressed. The first time around, he impulsively set up an Only Fans account, only to be immediately clocked by one of his subscribers, because he forgot to shave his legs. Sure, to a niche demographic it was still appealing, but in the long run it would be no good.
This time he decides to create a new profile on Discord. He put on a cute picture he made with some catfishing filter and looked at his bio.
“Hmm…I'm 5’1,” he mused, typing it out, “I love cats and sanrio,” that's a good one. “And I love old people with money.”
He waits and looks at it. “Nah the last one seems fake,” he deletes it. For a moment he thinks and then adds some kaomojis he finds on some site. “This should work.”
Satisfied, he logged onto some server, notorious with e-girls, edgelords, kittens, and discord mods. He sends one of his many pictures with heavy makeup and filters.
[Xiang Mei]: Hiiii I'm Xiang Mei~! (✿◠‿◠)
He receives a couple of generic heart reactions, but his intro is instantly swallowed by a wall of text from two other users having a high-speed conversation.
The utter disrespect! How dare they ignore his hard work!
Shang Qinghua tries to type another cute greeting to claw back the spotlight, but it is useless. The chat is moving too fast. But then, finally, a notification pops up. Someone had actually tagged him.
[User98472]: Hey Meimei, you look adorable
Shang Qinghua eagerly clicked on the user's profile picture. A grainy anime avatar and zero mutual servers. The bio was just a link to a sketchy streaming site.
Yes. A guaranteed, certified creep. Exactly what he was fishing for.
[Xiang Mei]: Hiii, thank you!! I'm blushingggg xoxo (*/ω\*)
Shang Qinghua grinned. This was going beautifully. Just a little bit of banter, a few cute typos, and he’d be swimming in Nitro gifts and rent money. His landlord had jacked up the prices last month, and the meager royalties from Proud Immortal Demon Way weren't cutting it anymore. If he didn't find a digital benefactor soon, he was going to end up writing his web novel under a bridge.
[User98472]: What is a cutie like you doing in a place like this?
Trying to exploit weirdos like you, Shang Qinghua thought viciously. But of course, the customer service persona had to remain flawless.
[Xiang Mei]: Aww don't make me blush! But honestly... I'm just in a really bad financial situation right now. My mean landlord raised the rent and I don't know if I can afford it next week :((
He waited.
…
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. That creep ignored him. Of course, because everyone wants to text with a pretty girl but no one wants to help her out.
“What a cruel world,” he sighs and leans back. They simply don't have taste. No, surely not.
He tried to talk with some other men but all of them either ignored him, or asked for free samples of feet pics. Which he prepared for, but if he's going to photograph his newly waxed feet, then it's for some hard earned cash!
After hours he finally turned the computer off. “Enough,” he sighs defeatedly. He didn't earn anything, and he still had to work on a new chapter of PIDW. What a waste of time.
He didn't notice how a new user logged into the same server.
[Peerless Cucumber] joined the party.
————
“Nope…no…nahh,” Shen Yuan swipes the profiles of his new server. He feels like a certified creep, but he is a desperate man.
He doesn't have any desire for a relationship, and frankly never felt attracted to a girl, though he knows it just needs some time.
So the best possible scenario is to find one online, introduce her to his parents as his one true love, and ignore her. Sometimes maybe send her some money, so she will send in exchange a new selfie if his parents ask.
That sounds nice.
But as he swipes the profiles, he still feels like he needs to pick one that would befall into his aesthetic and harsh criteria.
He didn't like e-girls much, or tsunderes, or pick me’s. He found some nice looking girls, but then he felt even worse. If they are truly looking for a relationship, he isn't a good pick.
Shen Yuan sits hunched over his keyboard. “Perhaps it's too late for this,” he talks to himself. He looks down to the time, only to see it's almost midnight.
He is about to log out, when a certain person catches his attention. “Xiang Mei?”
He sees the heavily filtered photo. He knows such selfies can't be trusted, but he didn't care. He reads through her desperate attempts to gain pity from people.
He quickly skips over a dozen similar messages, crying emojis as she talks about her rent prices, and pathetic attempts to manipulate people into sending her money.
He scoffs. Of course no one is sending her money. One look and anyone would see that she's desperate for any sort of cash and nothing more.
She's perfect.
Swiftly he slides into her DMs. Her bio is vague, so he doesn't have any information other than she's kinda short.
He hovers over the keyboard. How should he start the conversation? Everything seems awkward and shameless.
“...ahh,” he covers his face in exasperation. Why is it so hard? “Whatever. Let's just get it over with,” with a final sigh he writes down a message.
————
Shang Qinghua was exhausted.
In the end he stayed up the whole night, working on another chapter of PIDW. By the research he makes, he found out that his novel is popular with bondage and ropeplay fans.
So he spends a dozen thousands words depicting in crude detail how Luo Binghe disciplines quite a naughty wife. Only fan service could help him now.
Part of him already made his peace with the fact that his Discord idea flopped. Still, he clicked on the server just to log out.
“...what?”
He fixes his glasses, his eyes too tired to process the message notification that was sent to his DMs. But it wasn't the notification itself that shook his world. It was the name of the user.
[Peerless Cucumber] sent you a message.
“Peerless Cucumber?! How did he find me?!”
Shang Qinghua nearly fell out of his chair, scramble-clicking to scan his own profile. He checked once, twice, three times just to be absolutely certain it was his catfish alt. It was. There was no way his mortal enemy knew his true identity.
Staring at the notification, he swallowed hard before finally clicking the message. “What the hell does this guy want now…”
[Peerless Cucumber]: Hey, I noticed you were struggling with rent. I believe I could help you in exchange for certain things. If you're interested, we can make an agreement.
Shang Qinghua stared in absolute awe. At first, he’d thought his biggest hater had somehow tracked him down across the boundless reaches of the internet to torment him in person. But no. This wasn't a targeted attack. It was just one crazy coincidence.
He gets out of his shock and hovers above the keyboard.
[Xiang Mei]: Hiiii omg you're a lifesaver!! (｡♥‿♥｡) I'm so luckyy~ Is there anything specific that you wish for? If so, just say it xoxo!!
He waits. He is holding his breath from the utter tension. However, he was quite unlucky because it was the weekend and Shen Yuan wasn't a morning person. It was around lunch when he finally got the message back.
[Peerless Cucumber]: I know this will sound strange, but I need to find a girlfriend quickly. My parents are bugging me and trying to find me someone, but I have no desire. I can send you money for rent in exchange for some photos, information, and you becoming my girlfriend.
Shang Qinghua was struck by the randomness of this message.
[Peerless Cucumber]: I'm not a creep, I won't bribe you for anything obscene, I just need someone so my parents get off my back.
Ah, Shang Qinghua realized with a smirk. His biggest hater must actually be someone around his own age. That, or he was some middle-aged loser living in his parent's basement.
[Xiang Mei]: Ah sure, that sounds wonderful! I'd love to be your girlfriend ٩(◕‿◕)۶ What's your name and age, if you don't mind me asking?
The typing indicator flickered for a bit. Peerless Cucumber was clearly hesitating.
[Peerless Cucumber]: Shen Yuan. I trust you won't do anything malicious with that information. I'm currently 21.
So he really was his age. What a crazy small world. Shang Qinghua giggled to himself, his fingers flying across the keyboard.
[Xiang Mei]: whaaat I'm 21 too! Yay!! Twinss
It was going incredibly well. Though, considering the guy was only twenty-one, Shang Qinghua highly doubted he’d have enough disposable income to actually make a dent in his rent. Still, beggars couldn't be choosers. Every single cent counted.
[Xiang Mei]: Soo… about me! I'm done with school and I work in a cute little café. I live alone in Shenzhen in my own cozy small apartment. I love makeup, going shopping, Sanrio, pastel colors, and yeah!
He laid the cuteness on thick. Shen Yuan might be looking for a fake arrangement, but the guy undoubtedly still had standards. He had to play the part perfectly.
After all, what was the alternative? Telling him the truth? Hi, actually, I'm a broke, unemployed guy who spends his miserable nights writing a trashy stallion novel that you hate from the bottom of your soul. As if!
[Peerless Cucumber]: Alright. Could you send some photos and your bank routing info?
Shang Qinghua’s eyes practically gleamed with dollar signs. Oh, absolutely, buddy. With pleasure.
Since he’d been too exhausted to properly wipe off his makeup from the night before, preparation was a breeze. He did a quick touch-up, threw on a cute, oversized pastel sweater he’d found at a thrift shop, strapped on a stuffed bra, clipped a few sparkly star pins into his wig, and called it a day.
Just to be safe, he slapped on a subtle beauty filter to blur the flaky foundation and the permanent dark circles under his eyes. Then, he posed. He caught his best high angles, flashed a few pouty smiles, sent a finger-heart to the camera, and threw in one slightly angled shot that strategically highlighted his padded chest.
That ought to do it.
With a decisive click, he sent the haul over to Shen Yuan, immediately followed by his bank details.
He watched the typing indicator. A second later, a notification flashed at the top of his phone screen from his banking app.
[Notification: Transfer Deposit – 1,300 yuan]
[Peerless Cucumber]: Is this enough?
Shang Qinghua stared at the number, his jaw dropping so low it nearly hit his desk. He had hit the literal jackpot.
[Xiang Mei]: Enough to marry you right now!!