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Ivan lay in his bed, awake. It was the middle of the night and all the lights were off, yet he couldn’t sleep. He’d been going to therapy and had been given meds for his mental issues, but it only made everything worse as the weight of what he did to Andrew crashed upon him all at once. He was a terrible person.
Ivan sighed heavily and sat up, grabbing his phone, hand brushing the pocketknife on his nightstand, deciding to check his notifications. He had very few… all from his mother who worried about him and texted about 10 times a day to make sure he was eating and sleeping and all of that… he always said yes, even when the answer was no. Ivan hadn’t seen the sun in forever, only going out when it was necessary, like if he couldn’t get his groceries delivered. Not that he ordered them himself, it was his mother that took care of it despite him not asking for her to. His dreams were plagued with nightmares, always, whether it was of his father, Andrew or that… Tumor… they were always present, and it always hurt to remember the past, yet those memories were all he had of Andrew.
He sighed and turned on his side, checking what people he followed on various sites had been posting until an unknown number texted him. Ivan looked at the number and hesitated before opening the notification.
“Hey! We don’t know each other, but we have a mutual! I think- do you know a certain Andrew ######?”
Ivan lit up at the text when he read his dearest Andrew’s name, he texted back after some hesitation.
“Yes, I do, who are you if it’s okay for me to ask?... How do you know Andrew?...”
“I could ask the same! I’m his fiancé, and you?”
Ivan stayed quiet for a moment, staring at the words on his phone.
“I’m his fiancé.”
“Fiancé”
Andrew was getting married…
Ivan stayed silent for what felt like forever, before snapping out of his thoughts.
“Oh- I’m an old friend of his, we used to hang out alot, like, all the time if I’m honest- we helped each other out. We kinda fell apart though when he moved away,” Which was my fault, but this guy doesn’t need to know that… “Anyways, fiancé huh? He never told me he even had a lover! Congrats!”
“Haha, thank you! Well, the reason I contacted you is because I’d like to surprise my dearest Andrew” That’s what I used to call him… “I looked through his contacts and found you, so I told myself it’d be nice to not only get to know you but to invite you to our wedding next week!”
Ivan hesitated… “I’ll think about it… thank you! I’m sure he’d adore seeing me again, and I’d love to see him again too!”
“We’ll maybe see you there then- Ivan, right?”
“Yeah… that’s my name.”
He didn’t bother to get their name as he laid back down on his back. He tried to stay composed but covered his face as the tears bubbled up and he wept. He cried for a moment more before deciding to check if Andrew even wanted him at his wedding, maybe some posts of his or something would hint to it, he never got any notifications mentioning him though.
Please Andrew… I swear I’ve changed… I don’t want you to hate me… please… Please….
Nothing.
Andrew’s posts were all about his new friends and his boyfriend-now-fiancé-soon-to-be-husband. Nothing about Ivan. Not one thing. Andrew had cut him entirely from his life. He shouldn’t go… he wasn’t wanted… Andrew’s fiancé probably wanted what’s best for his love, but what Andrew wanted was to never see Ivan again.
I could still go… see him one last time… but he won’t see me, I’ll be careful, I’ll go in, stay for the ceremony, and leave before the toast. I’ll arrive late so he won’t greet me. With luck his fiancé won’t even know I was there either.
Ivan took a deep breath and set a calendar notification for next week, the date the wedding was planned.
It was the day of the wedding, Ivan was in his car, parked outside. He’d put on a suit his mother bought him forever ago, it wasn’t comfortable to him, but he had to wear something nice even if he was just popping in for a few minutes, he’d stick out like a sore thumb if he didn’t. Ivan took a shaky breath, gripping the steering wheel, after a moment he looked into the rearview mirror to fix his hair a bit.
Why do I bother? Not like I’m staying here for long…
He sighed and waited a bit longer before getting out of his car and leaving for the place the wedding was being held, it was a church near the beach, and it was incredibly pretty. He went over to the church and gave his name to the security guard, who checked the list and let him in.
Ivan had made sure to arrive late, as late as possible, so that Andrew and his fiancé would be busy and not notice him. Seems like he came at the perfect time too, as the ceremony was about to start, well, it had started actually; Andrew was waiting for his fiancé at the altar, seeming nervous, of course he did, he was getting married to the one he truly loved.
And that was not Ivan.
Ivan waited boredly for the ceremony to end, barely paying attention to the one walking down the aisle with the flowergirls, who was way out of Andrew’s league if Ivan was being honest, but hey Andrew seemed happy to see them- no- him. If he loved his fiancé so much then it didn’t matter, as long as he was happy with him…
The ceremony approached the end, the two had exchanged vows. Ivan turned his head to avoid looking at them as they kissed, tears pricking at his eyes. It was hard enough to be here, seeing the one he loved be bound to another, seeing them be affectionate would be too much for him to bear.
He could feel eyes on him, it was hard to breathe through the tears welling up. Ivan sat up and left, no one noticed, if they did they paid no mind to him, maybe thinking he forgot something in his car, or not caring at all. But as he looked back, he could’ve sworn he saw Andrew staring at him. He picked up the pace to get out of the venue.
Once Ivan was outside the church, standing on a path of gravel surrounded by sand on one side and dirt on the other, he let out a breath of relief. He didn’t even realize it had gotten hard to breathe in there until he was out. He still had a wine glass in his hand as he turned back to the church. The time it took for him to catch his breath, everyone had gone outside, they were in the back yard of the church so no one could see him anyways. The sun was setting, it was beautiful, a perfect day for a wedding. A day full of joy and beauty and love, yet all Ivan felt was pain. Of course he felt pain, he’d just lost the love of his life, and the only way to get him back would be to ruin a perfect relationship and make him heartbroken first.
Ivan sighed as he looked up at the sky. Any moment now, they’d set off fireworks, it was a plan they had shared in the curriculum. And they did once the sky darkened more. Loud explosions followed by bright flashes of gold and blue and pink, sometimes red or green even, multiple colours illuminating the sky. Ivan could imagine the two newlyweds kissing under the colourful night sky, and it brought tears to his eyes to think about.
Andrew always loved the night sky… Of course he’d celebrate his wedding near the end of the day so he could end it under the stars…
Ivan smiled past his tears, lifting up his glass of wine in a toast that no one would see or be there to share with him.
Ivan then whispered, his voice too soft to be heard by anyone, not that there was anyone there to hear him, “I know I’ll never get you now, my dearest Andrew, but I promise you this; I would’ve made you happy had you come back, and if you ever return to me someday I will still make you happy. I’m sorry for what I did, I know a sorry won’t change anything, but I truly do apologise. You did good by leaving, you found happiness.”
Ivan then finished his glass and set it on a table outside, leaving to his car.
I wish it was me by your side tonight, Andrew, but It’s not. I hope you and your new husband find happiness someday. I don’t think I’ll ever move on from you, but I’m glad you moved on from me.
Ivan sat in the driver’s seat of his car again. He wanted to go home. He NEEDED to go home. But he couldn’t bring himself to start the car as his grip on the wheel tightened. He couldn’t hold back the tears he’d been fighting all evening as his breath hiccuped. He pulled his knees to his chest and buried his face in his hands, crying as he leaned against his seat. He felt like he’d scream, but nothing came out, nothing ever did.
I’m so pathetic… crying over the loss of a crush… I’m still young… I can still make new friends and find a new love… but none will be the same as you, Andrew, and if they are, it’ll only hurt to love them.
Ivan sighed as he caught his breath, sitting upright.
I'll leave your life forever now Andrew. Live well. Maybe we’ll meet again someday, in another life, and maybe then we’ll get our wedding ceremony. Goodbye forever, my love.
Andrew was holding hands with his beloved at the altar, his newfound husband’s face was beautiful, it was hard to look away, but his eyes were drawn to something in the clapping crowd. One person wasn’t looking at them, nor clapping, one person who ended up leaving. They seemed familiar, he couldn’t quite place his finger on it though. They had grey skin that appeared tinted blue due to the colour of their suit, they equally had slightly darker grey hair tied in a ponytail. Their head turned to look at them before they hurried out of the church, seeming panicked as they saw Andrew’s gaze on them.
Those odd eyes… two colours… one pearly white and one a grey so dark it looked black…
Ivan…
No… no no no NO! Why is he here?! How did he know I was getting married?? And where the ceremony was taking place?! Fuck… I’m not escaping him am I?... He knows where I live, he knows who I love… everywhere I go I’ll see his face, won’t I? There’s no escape… no matter where I go or what I do… He’ll always be there… in the background of pictures and my memories… Why won’t he leave?! Why is he so obsessed with staying around me?! I want him gone… that’s all I want…
But now was no time to cry, despite seeing Ivan again, it was still a happy day, as he’d married who he loved. Who he truly loved. Someone who isn’t the monster Ivan was. Someone who treated him right.
But in the back of his mind, all he could think about was the fact he wanted Ivan dead. Yet a small piece of him dreaded the thought for whatever reason. Maybe some kind of stupid empathy for him, they knew each other for years after all, it wasn’t going to be that easy to forget him entirely.
It was the night after the wedding, Andrew was watching the news, bored out of his mind. His husband was pressed against his side on the couch, asleep. The sight of him made Andrew smile… he’d finally married the love of his life.
He turned back to the TV as the original broadcast was interrupted.
“BREAKING NEWS! FIRE IN APARTMENT ## ##### #### FOUND TO BE CAUSED BY GAS FIRE, ARSONIST FOUND DEAD AT THE SCENE!”
Andrew tilted his head, suddenly curious about the news. It had been the apartment complex he and Ivan lived in about 5 years ago now.
Did he get burned by his own fire? If so, that’s dumb of him.
The announcer came on to explain the situation, “Tonight a fire was discovered, the cause being unknown until recently. With the fires out it was able to be discovered that it was arson caused by the tenant of room 406” Isn’t that Ivan’s room?... Did he get a new roommate? “And via questioning of the other tenants it was found that the only one who lived there was Ivan ###### who must’ve caused the fire before jumping off the roof, killing himself.”
Andrew froze. The Announcer kept explaining details, but his voice was only background noise to Andrew now.
Ivan is dead.
He’s gone… he’ll never be part of my life again… I’m free… I’ll never see him again… I can live my life with my husband and start my family without constant fear of him breathing down my neck…
Finally… I can breathe…
A small part of him though, couldn’t help but ache as he saw his abuser’s corpse in a body bag, his red visor stained with a darker substance laying on the side, abandoned. Ivan was dead. Andrew will never see him again. It should have been the best news ever, yet he had loved Ivan, and known him for so long, it kind of… hurt.