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I hated wearing dresses.
Ever since i went into my teenage years mum would buy me them.
"Open your gifts Alice! " she said. And those words hurted so badly, and it felt so wrong but i didnt have the guts to say that to her. And i didnt understand why? At first.
I opened it to be shocked with a frilly silk pink dress. It didn't look horrible, it looked horrible on me.
"Well do you like it? "
"Yes.. I do. " i say in a pitiful manner.
I never wore that dress. I threw and burried it deep into the back of my closet. Everytime i looked at it, it was mocking me.
My hair also started growing again after i asked my mother to cut it shorter. The longer my hair grew the more i wanted to cut it off. I didnt understand why, i thought it was just getting in the way of things. But im unsure.
That uncertainty also affected my school life significantly. I didnt understand why i wasnt like the other girls. They started to like makeup and girly things but i liked sports more. Although i never participated in any since i wasnt good enough, i yearned to be able to.
My classmates also started talking about boys and crushes. At first i didnt think i had one until someone asked me who my crush was.
"Alice! Who do you like in this class? Cmon!! You can tell me! "
"I dont-"
"Ah, let me guess!! Is it him?? "
She pointed to a Classmate of mine who was on the football team. I stared at him and i felt a strong emotion, maybe it was a crush? The feeling felt strong but i didnt know what it was.
"Sorry, i don't have one" i said.
"Oh really? Alright then" she said in a teasing manner.
I really thought it was a crush until i found out i didnt really like him. That strong feeling? It was jealousy. I wanted to be him so badly i felt mad. But its no use i guess. Maybe other girls felt this way..?
I tried searching through an online forum about my feelings of not liking to assosciate with what girls my age liked. I had to make an account and my mum said to never share personal information online so i went by the name "Arthur."
I typed in
"Do any of you on this forum ever feel like you dont fit in with the people youre age? Specifically the ones of the same gender? Like you dont want to wear cutesy things and makeup? I cant put my tongue on it. I also felt really jealous of boys. "
I clicked send and soon forgot about it completely.
A few months passed and my mum said we would have a family gathering at our place with our cousins and my brothers whom havent visited in a long time since they moved out to pursue their studies. And mum told me to wear that stupid dress she got me.
I grabbed it from behind the closet stared at it in such a sorrowful manner. I tried to put it on unzipping it and wearing it, i felt sick. And nauseous. It looked awful and off on me. The way my chest sticks out makes me ill.
I stared at myself for a long time. Disossciating. Until my mum called my.. Name..
"Alice! Come down here and help me get the table ready. "
"Alright mum! " I quicky yelled.
I made my way downstairs feeling goosebumps all around my body.
"My-my how beautiful you look dear!"
Beautiful. I hated that word, it was either that or pretty. Which i felt tired of being associated with. Im not beautiful. Im just.. Not. But no way could i fight back toward my own mother, considering the fact she tried to compliment me.
"Thanks mum. " i said in flatly.
I helped her place the plates until i forgot something
"Wait mum, i havent showered yet theres still a long time before they arrive so ill shower real quick. "
"Oh alright then dear"
I stepped into the bathroom and tried not to look down while showering. Or i would feel ill. I got out quickly got dressed again in the same oufit which i hated.
I felt.. Off.. When i looked at the mirror again and i kept staring noticing things that didn't feel like it belonged to me. I felt that my shoulders were too narrow and my face was too soft. Was i insecure or was there something wrong? I questioned. I didnt hate the features i just hate the fact that i have them.
I had no one to talk to about this until i remembered the online forum i went on a few months ago.
I typed in the url and checked the comments and replies i got.
"Idk maybe ur a tomboy. " No.. That didnt feel like it..
"Youre just a pick me lol. " A hate comment. Which wasnt it either.
I kept scrolling down too see a reply i found intriguing
"Maybe its gender dysphoria. " gender dysphoria? I wondered what it was.
I typed it into the search bar and clicked enter. I was bombarded by images discussing the signs of gender dysphoria.
"Let me see.. "
"Heres an article about it"
I read it all the way to the end. And it felt like i was truly understood. i saw the word "transgender" and searched it up. I felt like my struggles aligned with the term. I felt so relived that it had a name.
I got up quickly to go down stairs again to help mum since i completely forgot. And i forgot i was wearing that horrid piece of clothing restricting me from running quickly so i lifted it up and ran quickly downstairs.
I helped my mother until the time came my younger cousin who was Australian came in his name was Jett, my other cousin Toby from New Zealand they both came in with their parents,and my brothers also came. Alistair, Dylan, and Connor.
We chatted first well, they chatted first not me.
"Soo how's school sis? " Connor asked. That title sent a shiver down my spine.
"It's fine. "
"How yer grades holding up? " Alistair asked
"Well i supposed theyre quite high. " i replied
"I got you some books! " Dylan said and handed a paperbag to me.
"Thank you.. "
Mum came back with the food plating it on the tables. My cousin's mum talked to her
"Alice has grown up to become such a beautiful lady!"
"I know right? " my mother said
And they continued to talk about how i was a "woman" now.
God, i wanted to dissapear right there. It felt like there was this unshaking uncomfortable feeling in my chest. And it kept increasing rapidly. I felt like crying.
"E-excuse me, i need to use the bathroom.." i said as i rushed there.
I locked the door and immediately the tears started slipping out of my eyes. I hated this. I hated my own name i hated everything about this.. I looked in the mirror at the disgusting reflection staring back.
"Im not Alice im... Arthur." I said to myself in front of the mirror.
The way my chest sticked out and the way my hair dangled to my waist. I felt pissed just looking at it.
I grabbed a nearby scissor and cut it off. Until it was short and there was a mess of my hair on the bathroom floor. I changed my clothes into a spare suit i bought a few years ago since i liked how it looked.
I brushed my hair and looked at myself again. I felt much better but not exactly fine. But it could do.
I tried fixing my hair a bit until i heard a knock on the door.
"Alice, its me Connor are you alright..? Mum told me to check on you since you were taking really long.. "
I unlocked the door and stared at him.
"A-alice what happened?? "
"Nothing happened Connor. Also im not Alice anymore, im Arthur. "
"Well.. I dont really understand but ill call you that if you want? "
"Thank you.. "
"Do you want to talk about it?.. "
I nod.
"Alright then.. "
"Do you ever feel like your own body doesn't belong to you? To the point you feel like an alien wearing a body suit?"
"Can't say i have"
"Well, thats how i felt. Like im another person who's not in the correct body. "
"Oh... "
"Well im glad you were willing enough to tell me this. And just a reminder I'll support you no matter what my uh.."
"Brother."
"Yes, my lil bro, i may not understand it completely but i wont judge you. "
"Thanks.. "
There were footsteps coming closer it was Alistair and Dylan
"Oi! Why are you guys taking so long- oh.. "
"What is it?? " Dylan asked behind Alistair.
"What happened?? " Alistair asked panicking
"Is that Alice? " Dylan asked
"It's Arthur now. "
"Ohhh, alright then! " Dylan replied
"I wanted to say that from today on I'll be your guy's brother. I know it may be hard to get used to, but please.. I dont think i can handle being called Alice or Sister ever again.. Im this way because i have never felt like i felt right being called that name or those terms.."
"... "
"Alright then. " Alistair said
"It may be hard to adjust but we'll try our best to. " Alistair continued
"Yeah! " Dylan agreed
"Now lets get back shall we? " Alistair said.
They made their way downstairs, his cousins went home. And mum's looking worried.
"Alice! What happened?? Why do you look like that?.. Wheres the dress i told you to wear and what happener to your hair?? "
"Mum, i never liked the dress sorry.. Everytime i wore it i felt sick to my stomach.. And im not Alice, im Arthur now. I hope you could a-accept me.. "
The fear of coming out made me start leaking some tears again.
"Oh.. Honey.. " she said
She pulled me into a hug and says
"It's okay.. Dont cry.. As your mother ill always support you regardless.. "
I sobbed and nodded
I was finally able to not hide who i was from the start anymore. And i am thankful that they were willing to accept me.