Chapter Text
There were few clouds in the sky, making the conditions perfect for a ride. Philip off to the side as he filmed me like he always did now. I climbed on my new bike, grinning like a lunatic behind my helmet. I turned around and headed toward the jump with a whoop, thundering towards the hill with the wind whipping around me. Philip was focused on filming the jump as my bike takes flight…
…A bang, searing pain in my chest, and then I was falling. The last thoughts in my head were of him as I passed out before I hit the water…
…Suddenly, it's as if I'm a spectator watching this go down. I see Philip stumbling frantically towards the shore, hesitating minutely before diving in after me. I watched as he pulled my limp body out of the water and onto the dirt. He shakes me for a second, placing his right hand over the wound, his jaw trembling as he tried to hold back tears. In the background, Agent Davis is running towards his, shouting my name…
…Another shot is fired. I watch in horror as a lone bullet whistles through the air, as if in slow motion, and cleaves its way through Philip's skull, exiting through the back in a burst of blood and gore…
"NOOO!"
I ran towards him, dropping to my knees and pulling his body into my lap. Clinging to him, as blood starts to drip down his forehead from the wound. His eyes, his beautiful eyes, wide and vacant, his face froze in the expression of horror it had been in moments before…
…God, why is this happening? What did I ever do to deserve this?
"Lukas?"
…I can't lose Philip, I just can't. I can't do this without him…
"Lukas!"
God, no… not Philip… not the boy I love…
"LUKAS!"
I jolted awake, sitting bolt upright and nearly head butting my dad in the process. I stared around the room, breathing heavily, ignoring the ache that I still occasionally felt emanating from my healing chest wound. Same old room, sun filtering in through the windows. I looked at the clock, and it read 6:30 pm. My awareness started returning to me, and I flopped back down onto my bed with a choked sigh of relief.
I was okay. Philip was okay. I was at home; I had laid down to take a nap. Philip was at home with Helen and Gabe. Neither of us were dead. Kane was dead, and has been for months. We were safe.
"You okay, kid?"
I made eye contact with my dad. He was standing there awkwardly, shifting from foot to foot, with a look of concern plastered across his face that I was no longer used to seeing. It was a look I hadn't seen very much of since my mom died. I took a second to be thankful that he was trying so hard. In the months since the shooting, he'd been getting a lot better. He'd stopped drinking, and he acted more like how he used to. He acted more like a dad, instead of the tyrant I had grown to fear. While he had been extremely awkward about it at first, he made a conscious effort to be kinder to Philip as well, trying his best to accept that I was officially in a romantic relationship with another boy that wasn't likely to end.
At first I thought it was just because my near death experience scared him into being a better dad, but a couple of weeks later Gabe let it slip that he and Philip had talked to him and explained most of the reason why I was too afraid to tell him the truth about Philip and I at the cabin. When I asked dad about it, he admitted to it. He apologized for his behavior, also admitting with a chuckle that when he gave Philip the inevitable "You hurt my kid, I hurt you" speech; Philip's response earned his permanent respect and approval.
"What did he say to you?" I had asked Dad.
"Ha, he said that the same applied to me." Dad recalled with a smirk, "Told me if I hurt you, he would castrate me and then make me eat it. Your boy's got stones."
I remember laughing at that, imagining Philip go full on New York City gangster on my dad… ha.
"Lukas?"
"I'm alright, Dad." I finally responded, "Just… bad dream, you know?"
"Same one?" He asked.
"Uh… yeah. Same one." I admitted.
"You sure you're alright?" He asked again.
"Yeah, it's just… I want them to stop." I said quietly.
"Have you talked to your therapist about them?" He asked.
"Yes, dad. I've told my therapist." I said testily, "It didn't help."
"Have you talked to Philip?" He asked.
"I don't want him worrying about me anymore than he already does." I said with a shake of my head, "I had no idea he was such a mother hen…"
"He cares about you." Dad said, "That's a good thing."
"I never said it was a bad thing." I interjected quickly, "It's endearing."
"Well, maybe talking about it with him would help?" He suggested.
"Yeah, maybe." I agreed.
"Uh *clears throat*, I just wanted to tell you that dinner is ready." Dad said, "I made steaks."
At the mere mention of my favorite food, my stomach growled loudly. I followed him out into the kitchen, and we sat down at the table to eat. I pulled out my phone, and opened up my messages and quickly found Philip's name, quickly typing out a message.
"You busy?" I typed.
"No, why?" He responded immediately.
"You want to meet up in a bit?" I asked.
"Yeah, sure. Everything okay?" He responded.
"Yeah, I just want to talk." I typed.
I finished eating quickly, wolfing down the steak at lightning speed, causing Dad to look at me in alarm.
"Jesus Christ, Lukas." He said, "Did you even bother to chew any of it?"
I snorted.
When I finished, I fetched my helmet and headed out to my bike. I stopped for a second and stared at it. I remembered the first time I'd seen the thing after being released from the hospital. Philip had a very violent panic attack at the mere sight of the thing, and I had taken to riding my old bike until he could see the new one without hyperventilating. It took about a month, and the first time I rode it after being shot was the first time I'd actually done any motocross since before. After some convincing, Philip and I went back to the jump where I was shot…
Flashback:
"Lukas, what the hell are we doing out here?"
I turned to look at Philip, who was staring at me with a deep uncomfortable frown on his face. I knew that since I'd been shot he'd avoided this spot as if it was infested with rage zombies.
"I went to the doctor today." I explained, "He gave me the okay to start riding again."
"Okay, cool, but I ask again. What are we doing here?" He asked.
"I'm gonna do the jump." I said simply, "And I want you to film it."
"Why? The last time we were here it didn't end so well." Philip reminded me.
"Yeah well, this time there isn't a psycho FBI agent waiting in the bushes somewhere with a rifle about to snipe me off my bike." I reminded him, "Are you gonna film me or not?"
"Yes, Lukas, I'll film the damn jump." Philip ground out uncomfortably, "I just…"
"What is it, dude? Just tell me." I implored.
"I just don't get why you want to do this." He deflected.
"Philip… I know when you're lying." I reminded him.
"It's just… I can't be here without remembering what happened." Philip admitted, "And that's the last thing I want to remember. I can't stop seeing it…"
"It creeps me out too, man." I said, "That's kind of why I want to do it. It'll be a kind of symbolic thing. It's a good way to help me put it behind me."
He stared at me with a furrowed brow for a moment, before sighing and nodding.
"Okay." Philip said, "But after you jump, we're getting the hell out of here."
"I'll buy you dinner." I offered.
"Tonight?" He asked.
"Yeah." I said.
"Didn't you already eat?" He asked.
"Dude, I'm a bottomless pit. You know this." I reminded him.
"Dessert too?" He bargained.
"*Sigh* Yes, Philip. Dessert too." I agreed.
"Deal." He said.
He took up position in the same spot he'd been in before. I started the bike and rode a little ways away before turning back toward the hill and gunning it. Was I nervous? Oh, hell yeah. I hadn't done any jumps or tricks in two months, not since before what happened. But things were different this time. This time, there wasn't somebody hiding in the hedge on the other side of the pond with a sniper rifle about to put a hole in my chest. It was just Philip, the bike, the jump, and me. I hit the hill at full speed and I felt that familiar rush of adrenaline that came with taking the bike airborne. I landed safely on the other side, feeling a sense of triumph.
It felt good to be back.
I stopped the bike right next to Philip, who was shaking slightly, but still smiled at me and pulled me into a hug.
"Alright, a promise is a promise." I said, "Come on. Let's go eat."
We hopped on the bike and rode off.
End Flashback.
…I shook my head, bringing me back to the present. I climbed on my bike and started it up, taking off towards Philip's house. I was glad that school was out, which meant that I could pretty much go anywhere without having to worry about going to school the next day. Or, at least I won't have to worry about it until our senior year starts in a little over a week. The ride was short, and when I arrived, Philip was waiting on the porch for me. I climbed off my bike, and he met me at the bottom of the steps as I took off my helmet.
"Hey!" He greets me with a smile that disappears when he sees the state I'm in, "Are you okay? You look a bit rough…"
I don't let him finish the sentence before I'm stomping forward and throwing my arms around him, pulling him close and capturing his lips with mine. Five minutes later, we separated with a wet pop. Philip looked dazed.
"Um…" He stammered, before laughing lightly, "Sorry, you just caught me off guard."
"My bad, man." I said, "I just… had something I needed to talk to you about."
"You wanna go sit in the barn?" He asked.
I nodded. The loft in the barn had become our safe place. It was where we went when we wanted to be alone with each other. We headed into the barn, climbing the ladder into the loft and plopping down in our favorite spot. It was the same spot that we had sat in, so long ago now, when I told him that I had ended things with Rose so I could be with him.
"Okay, so what's on your mind?" He asked as he tucked himself into my side.
"Do you dream about what happened?" I asked.
"Well, yeah. Of course I do, but it's getting better. Why?" He asked.
"I keep having the same dream." I told him, "It's always the same. In it, I see myself get shot. Then after you pull me out of the water, you get shot and killed too."
He kissed me on the jaw and gave me a squeeze.
"I don't even know why I'm having them now." I admitted, "I mean, they've only been happening for a couple of weeks. It happened months ago."
"Trauma is a tricky thing." Philip said gently, "Like I said, I have nightmares about it too. About you getting shot, and what happened after."
"I know, it's just… That's something I never want to see." I said quietly, "I just hate seeing you hurt, and seeing you like that… It's my worst nightmare. It doesn't help that I still feel guilty…"
"…About the way you treated me before." Philip finished my sentence for me, "Lukas, I'm okay. We're okay. I don't blame you. I'm not mad at you anymore. You made up for it. You gotta try to not beat yourself up so much."
"I know, I know, it's just… easier said than done." I said, "I was a real asshole to you…"
"Yeah well, you're my asshole." Philip said.
I looked at him with raised eyebrows.
"Okay, wow. That was really fucking cheesy." I teased incredulously.
He snorted and started laughing.
"Oh, shut up."
"No, seriously, that was like some next level cheese right there." I continued teasing him.
"What? You now it's true." He argued.
"I know it is, but it was still cheesy as hell." I agreed with a smirk.
"Oh, shut up." He said, before leaning up and kissing me.
We sat there for a bit, just enjoying each other's company for a bit.
"You never did tell me exactly what happened while I was out." I said carefully.
"I didn't want to upset you or anything." Philip said, "And I didn't really want to think about it. But, I'll tell you, if uh, if you want me to."
"You don't have to if you don't want to."
"I know, but I will." He said.
He took a breath and readied himself for the tale.
"It was about a week after you were shot." Philip said, "Agent Davis had been sitting with me. Her phone lit up with an incoming call, and the photo for the caller ID was the killer. It was Kane. I called Helen and told her who it was. Helen said she was sending along an agent to guard me until she got there… I didn't even think, Lukas. A police car pulled up, I get in thinking it was my guard, and it's him… I recognized him immediately. I tried to get out, I tried to run, but he chloroformed me, and I woke up in the trunk, tied up with duct tape over my mouth. Helen caught up with us and tried to stop him but she ended up getting shot."
"Yeah, you told me this bit already, Phil." I interjected softly, "You never told me what happened next."
"I'm getting to that, be patient." He snapped irritably, but immediately looked sheepish, "Sorry. I shouldn't be snapping at you…"
"It's fine. Don't worry about it." I assured him quickly.
"Anyway… He drove us out into the woods." Philip continues, "I'd been trying to get out of my binds, and I managed to get a hand free. I wrapped the tape off my mouth, I untied my feet and I grabbed the crowbar he had in the trunk. As soon as he opened the trunk I swung at him. He went down, and I ran. I kept running. I could hear him shouting a few minutes later. I was halfway done wading across a pond when I heard shots being fired. A couple minutes later, Agent Davis comes stumbling through the trees. She wades out into the pond after me, and she hugged me, told me that she killed him. She took me to the hospital, where Helen was just waking after her surgery. I visited her, thanked her, and then I let a doctor take a look at me before I went back to sit with you. You woke up the next day."
"So that was why you had bandages on your wrists." I remembered, "It was because you'd hurt yourself trying to get your hands free."
"Yeah." He admitted, "Why, what did you think they were from?"
"I don't know… I guess I thought that, maybe you, uh… you know." I said carefully, trying to convey what I was trying to say without actually saying the words.
"Oh, you mean… you thought I tried to…?" He started to ask but halted as I shook my head violently.
"DON'T. I don't want that image in my head." I stammered.
"Okay. I'm sorry." He said quickly, "Anyway. You know you can always call me, Lukas. If you wake up from a nightmare and you need me, all you gotta do is call, and I'll be there as soon as I could."
"I know." I said, smiling at him gently, "I have no idea what I did to deserve you."
"Now who's being cheesy?" Philip teased.
"There's a difference between being cheesy and sappy." I argued.
"Whatever." He said and tucked himself into my side again, "There was actually something I wanted to talk to you about, too."
"Oh yeah? What is it?" I asked.
"Well, school starts in a bit over a week."
"I'm aware." I respond.
"Well… what are we gonna do?" He asked nervously, "Are we gonna hide it, or… are we not?"
"Well… I don't know." I said quietly, "I hadn't really thought about it yet. What do you want to do?"
"Well, I can't do what we had been doing." Philip said immediately, "I'm not gonna put up with having to avoid you or with you ignoring me…"
"…And I don't expect you to." I interrupted, "I just… If we do come out and say we're dating, how are we gonna do it?"
"Um… Just show up together on your bike and act like we would act if we were at home." Philip suggested, "Just, you know, more subtle with less PDA."
"What like, hold hands and shit?" I asked.
"If you're okay with that, then yeah." He said.
"I am, as long as you are." I agreed, "And if somebody asks us why we're holding hands, we won't lie. I won't lie. I promise."
"What are you going to do if somebody says something bad to us?" Philip asked.
"I'm not scared of a couple of high school bullies, okay?" I assured him, "We were hunted by a killer and we survived it. Besides, Dad taught me a couple of fighting moves, so if they say anything to you or touch you I'll just kick their ass."
The last sentence was delivered with such nonchalance that Philip snorted, finding it amusing.
He took my hand into his and began playing with my fingers.
"I'm really proud of you, you know that?" He said, "Of how far you've come."
"Yeah, I know." I said, "I am too, really. I'm not a closet case anymore, and I've got you. I'm pretty fricken happy."
He smiled at me, leaning up again to connect our lips in a gentle kiss.
"I love you." He said softly.
"I love you too, Philip."