Work Text:
Jinyoung let the door close in a slam and threw his bag into a corner before he slipped his shoes off lazily with his feet. He threw himself onto the couch and groaned, rubbing his tired face. His bones ached and his eyes hurt, he could feel the bags beneath them. His friends always scolded him that he worked too hard and that he should take a proper rest. With an easy laugh -he could see they didn't buy it- he always responded he would, he would, but there was currently an important article to be edited and fact checked, so it could appear timely in the new issue of the magazine he was working at.
The truth was, he didn't even want to take a break. The work made him sleep better, or rather at all, and it kept him from his thoughts straying into a territory he knew he wouldn’t be able to get out again easily. It had been 4 years since he buried himself into his work like that and he might not have been happy or living a fulfilling live, but at least he avoided being depressed or suicidal and lived in an emotionless but survivable way.
He didn't even know why he was like this, honestly. He used to be a happy, go-forward student until that one fateful day when he was 20. He had been just on his way to meet his friends at the cafeteria, when he had suddenly felt dizzy before he blacked out. When he had woken up again later, there had been tears in his eyes he didn’t remember shedding, a hollow in his chest like a piece there had been missing (his lungs maybe as he had difficulties to breathe, or a part of his heart since it hammered as if to make up for lost vigor) and a sad melody had been roaming in his head. He remembered it still to this day, sometimes whirling in his ears. Once he even tried to find out what kind of song it was, but no matter to how many sad songs he listened to on youtube, soundcloud and other websites, none fit and none was as sad as this.
He had went to the doctors back then, trying to find out what had happened, but they all had told him he was as healthy as any proper student should be, no lung, no heart missing. No one could explain the sadness and lack of happiness he felt in his chest. Some had told him he might be depressed, but no matter what pills he took, they didn’t help at all. At one point Jinyoung accepted that he simply wouldn’t be able to smile again. It was not like he had the motivation to care anyway.
Wherever this apathetic feeling was coming from, it made him unable to sleep,made him skip meals as the sight of food appalled him at times and when he didn't know what to do with himself, he sometimes felt a compelling urge towards death, as if there was something on the other side waiting for him. His lost happiness, maybe.
So, to avoid all his mental problems, he jumped into work. It made him tired enough to fall asleep more effortlessly, hungry enough to chew down what came across him and gave him no time to think.
He turned on his couch, not bothering to take his clothes off, and fell asleep.
The next morning, Jinyoung came to work early, on 4 hours sleep and nothing but a coffee for breakfast. There was a lot to be done, he had many articles to tend to.
He was just in midst of checking a dictionary when a loud, sunny voice greeted him.
"Hello, my name is Choi Youngjae, I'm the new intern. They told me you would take care of me."
In front of his desk in the open space office stood a small, cute guy with round cheeks, small eyes that were squeezed shut to small lines and a huge smile that radiated sunshine. The office was generally noisy, but it was early in the morning with only a few workers there and the guy's voice was really loud. Jinyoung looked around, -he hadn't even realized a few of his co-workers coming- but none of them paid them any attention.
He nodded unimpressed. He was not really fond of having to babysit this guy, less had he the time, but he didn't really care either.
"Okay, sit down." He motioned to a chair in front of him and threw a stack of papers in front of his nose. "Spell-check these."
The other seemed to pout a little bit, but Jinyoung was too busy with his own work to care.
“Jinyoung-ah!”
The intern pulled him out of his thoughts. Jinyoung looked at him expectantly and tried to make an annoyed face, but the puppy eyes he was faced with made it a little bit difficult.
“It’s 12, can I go into lunch break?”
He asked and Jinyoung nodded absentmindedly. He hadn’t realized time had run that fast.
Just when the boy was gone, he noticed he had been addressed informally! But then, Jinyoung hadn’t even introduced himself, so how-
His boss had probably told him when he had sent him here, Jinyoung reasoned, though it didn’t put his mind at ease at all.
His phone ringed and, before looking at the caller ID, he picked up.
“LUNCH TIME! LUNCH TIME LUUUUNCH! AT THE SANDWICH SHOP IN 5!!”
And with that, Jackson hung up before Jinyoung could even reply. He sighed. What just was this day of forced human interaction?
Jackson worked as some assistant at the tv station just across the street (Jinyoung wasn’t sure what exactly he did there either), and usually he would call and try to get Jinyoung to lunch with him, but give up after the third time Jinyoung declined.
With a sigh and heavy limbs, he stood up, grabbed his jacket and wallet, and went to the sandwich shop where he and Jackson met sometimes.
“You know how I told you that I don’t believe in soulmates? I was wrong!” Jackson greeted him even before he had sat down at Jackson’s table with the buzzer he got from the clerk after his order.
“You found your soulmate.” Jinyoung concluded emotionlessly. He didn’t really believe in the system of soulmates. There were a lot of reports about “feeling something” when they met for the first time, but the experiences were all so different, that it was hard to differ between soulmates meeting and people simply being attracted at first sight.
“It’s real, I tell you!” Jackson exclaimed excitedly, “when I met this guy it just made Pang! And our hearts were connected, I could feel it! You remember what I said about my ideal type?”
“As short legged as you?” Jinyoung deadpanned.
“No, someone my age I can look straight in the eyes.” Jackson said nonchalantly. “Anyway, this guy? Tall as heck, oh my god his legs are amazing!! And he’s also younger. But I still don’t want anyone but him.”
Jinyoung let the swooning talk drift through his ears without really listening. Just when Jackson looked at him pitifully, he realized that the other had noticed.
“You’ll find your soulmate too someday and then you’ll see, you’ll be all happy smiles again.”
The buzzer saved Jinyoung from answering as he picked it up and went towards the counter. Seeing his food, he contemplated how he could convince Jackson to eat at least half of it.
Usually, Jinyoung would always get a can of hot coffee from the machine downstairs, if he ate with Jackson or not. He was about to get one this time too (Jackson forced him to eat the full sandwich and it laid heavily in his stomach, so he really craved one now), but had soon to realize that he gave all his small money to the cashier at the sandwich store. Awesome. He sighed in annoyance and went back to his office.
When he arrived Youngjae was already there and working. The view gave him a wave of satisfaction. At least one thing was going right today. He just hoped that he actually did it properly.
Just when he moved to look at Youngjae’s work, the younger looked up at him and smiled brightly. “Did you have a great lunch?”
Jinyoung’s heart stuttered for a moment, and before he submitted to the urge to invest more thoughts into this feeling, he nodded curtly and returned to his own place, starting on his own work.
He was surprised to see a can of his usual coffee standing next to the papers he had left lying when he went for lunch. Questioningly he looked at Youngjae and, Jinyoung wouldn’t have thought it possible, but the other was smiling even wider.
“I got you a can too, as a ‘thank you for welcoming me’ kind of gift.”
Jinyoung thanked him reluctantly, this boy was too innocent for his own good. Another flutter of his heart made him stern to start concentrating on his own work and stop worrying about others, it was not his style.
Jinyoung had to discover that Youngjae’s work was good. If Jinyoung didn’t know better he would have almost believed the younger was trained by him personally. Even little knacks and know-hows Jinyoung used to keep to himself, Youngjae did them too. Jinyoung was amazed by this, but what astonished him even more was the way Youngjae always had a huge, sunny smile for Jinyoung, no matter how grumpy or rude he was.
When Jinyoung had stopped laughing and smiling after his accident, a lot of his friends left him, telling him that he was annoying or no fun and they couldn’t handle his moody grumpiness any longer. (Really, Jinyoung wasn’t grumpy, it was just the only way he could handle this unexplainable sadness, emptiness and himself.) Jackson had been the only one staying at his side, hoping, and trying endlessly to make him smile and laugh like he used to. But even Jackson, with his vigor to help and high-level energy to make people laugh, was exhausted after a week. He tried desperately to hide it, but Jinyoung could see it in his tired eyes. Nevertheless Jackson stayed with him and Jinyoung was the more thankful for that, even if he couldn’t really show him that.
But even 2 weeks into his internship,Youngjae didn’t tire of being a sunshine around him, was it early in the morning, during Jinyoung’s hated lunch time or in the evening when Jinyoung was tired and just wanted to sleep. He wondered where the boy got the energy to do that. Especially in the lunchtime he would cheerfully bid good bye, “have fun hyung! see you later, hyung!”, like he really couldn’t wait to come back again.
It was also a daily reminder to Jinyoung who mostly used to skip lunch by “forgetting to look at the clock and miss the time for it”. And somehow, Youngjae’s exclamations before he left made it more and more impossible to resist Jackson’s offers. Or maybe it was how the office suddenly felt empty as Youngjae was gone. Slowly, Jinyoung got used to get lunch with Jackson, and Jackson was positively surprised at this behaviour, even though he was still fast to disappear, eager to go back to work (or rather, simply get back to the office) after the meal.
Everyday after lunch Youngjae would bring him his favorite can of coffee, if he ate with Jackson or not. Jinyoung had somehow missed it the first time and felt his chance missed to ask after that, but he was sure he never told the intern what kind of coffee he liked or that it was his usual habit. Though he was thankful for the gesture, it was just another thing that puzzled him about the boy. Just like the way Youngjae always addressed him as “Jinyoungie” or “Jinyoung-ah” before he corrected himself to “Mr. Park” or, as Jinyoung told him to call him, “hyung”. Sometimes Jinyoung was about to ask him but Youngjae would just look up at him and smile and Jinyoung would feel a weird, warming sensation in his cheeks and he wouldn’t know what to do.
Jinyoung had to admit that with Youngjae things were getting faster done and soon he was ahead of all his assignments and had to finish his shift earlier.
Maybe it was the food he could digest better or Youngjae’s mood rubbing off on him, but he had less problems sleeping and slept more peacefully despite his exhaustion lessening. Still, he didn’t really want to go home. Jinyoung had never been finished before his shift ended, so now, he didn’t really know what to do with himself.
“Hyung, we’re finished, right?” Youngjae smiled hopefully. More emotionally tired than sleepy, Jinyoung nodded. “Yeah, you can go.” But Youngjae didn’t go and continued to stare expectantly at his senior. Jinyoung looked questioningly back. “Hyung, let’s go together!” And with that Youngjae stepped forward, threw Jinyoung’s stuff into his bag and pulled a dazed Jinyoung out of the office.
Once they were outside, Youngjae let go of him and jumped happily. “The weather is nice, isn’t it, hyung!” he cheered. The winds were warmer than usual and the sun was out of the clouds, so Jinyoung had to admit that yes, the weather was nice. But as he thought that, he also thought that Youngjae’s smile was really nice too. While he had seen it a lot and liked to see it, he felt that he never really had appreciated the beauty of it. A small smile crept over his lips and Youngjae laughed.
He had blindly followed Youngjae and looked up confused as the other jumped, his hands in the air, and yelled “Tadaaaa!”.
“A game arcade? Really?” Jinyoung said incredulously.
“Come on, hyung!” Youngjae dragged him in. “Ah, everything’s still like 4 years ago. Oh! That game is new though! Let’s play that!” Youngjae threw in a coin and with a loud noise the game started. Furiously, they both scrambled to get their garden gnomes to pick the weed before the lawn was overgrown with it and avoid at the same time the dogs that would pee on them. (The first game was lost quickly because Youngjae thought he could pet them and almost cried when he realized he couldn’t.)
“Let’s play this game next!!” Youngjae ran excitedly to a car racer game and waited with an expectant smile.
“What?” Jinyoung asked, feeling nervous under Youngjae’s steady gaze.
“I paid the last game. It’s your turn.”
“I didn’t even want to go here!” he exclaimed, but could feel his resolve melting with Youngjae's growing smile. With a dramatic sigh he pulled out his wallet and threw a coin into the machine. Youngjae beat him like a pro. Jinyoung felt more and more like an elementary school kid, his competitive spirit rising and unable to give up. They went to several other games and every time he would put in another coin. “One more, this time I’m gonna win.” He said and lost. Youngjae’s laughter ringed in his ears and while he was annoyed and frustrated, it brought him still a feel of satisfaction. Satisfied over what, he didn’t quite know.
They didn’t realize how long they had been playing, but when they left the arcade, it was already dark outside and drunks were littering the streets. Jinyoung walked Youngjae to the next station.
“Let me bring you home.” he said, looking doubtfully at a pervertly giggling drunk sitting at the bus station.
“Hyung!” Youngjae laughed, “I’m younger than you, but not incapable of protecting myself.”
He jumped into a bus, one that was not Jinyoung’s, and waved as the bus rolled away. Jinyoung felt a pang in his chest and a nagging feeling in the back of his neck as he watched the bus vanish.
They walked more often together after their work finished. Sometimes they just went to coffee shops or walked along a shopping street, and sometimes they went to the arcade again. It felt a bit like dates and Jinyoung slowly started to look forward to them. He still loved his work, but he started being glad when it was over and he could spend his time freely with Youngjae. He felt himself smile more and judging by Jackson’s pestering questions about what had happened, it was showing. He slept better, his exhaustion being a different one than usual, and his appetite had come back.
It had been a month since Youngjae started his internship when he asked.
“Hyung, I’m playing piano at a fancy restaurant on the weekends, do you, uhm, would you like to visit me next saturday?”
They were standing at a bus station again, Jinyoung ready to send Youngjae off. The younger was fiddling with his fingers when he asked and looked so cute, it was basically impossible to say no.
“I’d love to.” he grinned and Youngjae’s smile was so wide, Jinyoung was sure it could substitute a whole electricity generation plant.
Youngjae hopped off into a bus again and waved him, leaving Jinyoung standing with the nagging, itching feel he always did. When the bus was about to turn a corner, Jinyoung realized it: Youngjae was never taking the same bus. He struggled to remember which busses he had taken the last times they separated, but he was sure that they went partially into completely different directions and had no similarity in each others routes. Aside from one; they never were busses Jinyoung could take to get home.
He decided to ask him the next day about it.
The next day, he forgot all about it
On Saturday he went to the restaurant Youngjae had described him. He sat down at a table close to the grand piano that was standing in the room, ordering only a small drink when the waiter came. He thought the waiter would be grumpy with his order (but he was not really able to buy anything larger in this expensive establishment), but the tall guy, who had more the face of a student than a long time trained professional, just smiled at him. As he took the menu away, Jinyoung noticed a silver wristband he was sure he had seen somewhere before, but he couldn’t pinpoint where. It was quite peculiar with a single pendant, a small figure that looked like a swordfighter. He looked up to the waiter’s name tag. “Kim Yugyeom”. No, not familiar. The waiter retreated and a few minutes later Youngjae appeared and sat behind the piano. He gave Jinyoung a wide grin as he set up his note sheets.
When he started to play, Jinyoung was mesmerized. The melody that started to flow through the room was so wonderful it made his breath hitch and the hair on his arms stand up, a pleasing, tingling sensation went through his whole body. He was surprised how any of the guests could do anything but stop and look at Youngjae, because in that moment, the hands flying over the keys, his eyes concentrated onto the sheets in front of him and his lips drawing a small smile, he was the most beautiful sight Jinyoung had ever seen.
The waiter came and brought him his drink. (A small cup of coffee for a full 8.000 won, Jinyoung cried a little bit. At least it was drinkable.) He had to rip his gaze away from Youngjae to not seem too rude after ordering only this, but the gaze the waiter gave him made him halt. He looked … worried? And also a bit put off? As if Jinyoung was a lunatic or something. Jinyoung smiled awkwardly, trying to get him off his shoulder. The waiter left, still looking worried, but Jinyoung’s gaze was already fixed again on the boy behind the piano.
Youngjae started on the next song and this time Jinyoung recognized the melody. He was sure he had heard it a thousand times before, but before he could think further about it, he felt a warm, tickling sensation surge through his body and gather in his chest. Youngjae’s form was brighter than anything around him, illuminated like an angel stepped down to earth and suddenly all Jinyoung wanted to do, was to run to the stage and hug and kiss the boy on the piano. He was in love, he realized. He remembered vaguely when he was 18, that time he had a crush on one of his classmates. But his feelings right now were far stronger and more complicated than anything Jinyoung had ever felt. Feelings. Jinyoung hadn’t even realized how Youngjae had slowly crept into his system, made the ice that had possessed him 4 years ago melt and made him a functioning human again. He felt dazed, but at the same time so, so overwhelmed. He felt like he had been under water the last four years and for the first time learnt how it was to breathe again.
He promised himself to use his time with Youngjae as much as he could. So they talked more than usual and Jinyoung had never realized how less he actually knew about his intern. Youngjae was ready to tell him everything once Jinyoung started asking. He told him about how he grew up in Mokpo and left his parents and older sisters to go up to his distant aunt in Seoul and go to University there. He told him about his ambitions as music therapist and how he had won several small piano competitions already. Jinyoung didn’t doubt that.
When it was lunch time (this time Jackson had to remind him for different reasons) they had gotten barely anything done but Jinyoung had now a bucket full of important facts about Choi Youngjae.
“Do you want to go to lunch together?” Jinyoung asked smiling, but Youngjae bit his lip in obvious guilt.
“I’m.. I’m sorry but I’d rather eat alone.”
“No Problem,” Jinyoung tried to suppress the disappointment, “I’ll see you after lunch then.”
“You’re looking so gloom.” Jackson greeted him, “You’ve been far better recently, what’s got you now again?”
“Nothing.” Jinyoung said, avoiding Jackson’s pitiful gaze.
They ordered their food and the whole time Jackson was poking him, tickling the truth out of his best friend. When they sat down and Jackson was still not done annoying him, he relented. He told him about his intern and how they had started to get closer and when he arrived at the moment he realized that he maybe felt more than a little crush for the other, Jackson started to coo, which was honestly, even more annoying.
“How’s your boyfriend?” Jinyoung asked and began to eat in comfort as Jackson was off his neck, talking and talking about his own ‘precious love’. It would have been a lie to say that Jinyoung listened attentively, but a blinking on the other’s wrist caught his eye. “Oh? That’s the same I saw in that restaurant.” He pointed to the wristband around Jackson’s arm.
“You were in Gyeommie’s Restaurant?” Jackson looked at him wide eyed, “I didn’t know editors were making so much money!”
“Gyeommie?” Jinyoung frowned and Jackson sighed.
“How much of what I say have you been actually listening to?”
Jinyoung just grinned at him sheepishly.
Jackson was still scolding him about listening to what people say properly (Jinyoung wasn’t listening) when they stepped out of the sandwich shop. Across the street, he could see Youngjae hurrying back to the office.
“Oh, there’s Youngjae! YOUNGJAE-AH!” He called, but Youngjae didn’t seem to hear him.
“What are you yelling through the streets?” Jackson grumbled, hurt that he had been interrupted in his speech.
Jinyoung turned to him with an annoyed gaze, “Youngjae, the intern I told you about is walking over there.”
“What are you saying?” Jackson frowned, looking into the direction Jinyoung had yelled at, “There is nobody.”
“Wha-” Jinyoung turned back, but Youngjae was gone already and nowhere in sight. “Mh. He walks really fast.”
When he went up to the Office, Youngjae was already there, greeting him like always with his favourite can of coffee.
“Thank you.” He said as he sat down. “Did you eat your ears?” he joked, “I called you earlier but you didn’t hear me.”
Youngjae flinched. “Y-yeah I was probably too absorbed in thoughts.” he laughed awkwardly. Jinyoung looked at him questioningly, but the younger only shuffled his papers and looked anywhere but him.
Jinyoung watched Youngjae intently, partly trying to figure out what was going on in the younger’s head and partially because he was just mesmerized by his intern biting nervously on his lips.
It was the first day in his life that Jinyoung ended his shift punctually without having done all the work. The awkwardness from earlier was gone and Youngjae happily shook their intertwined hands as he pulled him to the karaoke bar this time. It was the first time Jinyoung heard his singing and he wondered how they hadn’t done this before. His voice was soft and captivating and Jinyoung couldn’t get enough of it, but the younger one insisted that Jinyoung should sing too. No matter how much he denied that he could sing, Youngjae didn’t believe him and there was no way he could win against these angry puppy looks.
A few days later, Youngjae took him to another new place and this time, Jinyoung gaped because of different reasons than usual. This time, Youngjae still held his hand when he stopped them in front of the library. Jinyoung had forgotten about it. He used to read so much and visit so often here before he turned 20. With a fluttering heart he pulled Youngjae in, reminiscing about all the books he had read when he had been here, about what had changed and what was still the same. He realized he was rambling when he saw Youngjae’s knowing grin.
“Hyung, how about you search me a book I’d like and I’ll search you a book you’d like!” and with that, he ran away giddily.
Jinyoung looked around. He didn’t think that he’d read so much in his few years, but there were so many books he recognized and pulled out of the shelf with a nostalgic memory. He skipped through a few pages, started reading a few and put them back with a hurting heart. He should pick it up again, he thought, reading. He pulled a book out of the shelves he hadn’t read yet and started reading. He didn’t really realize how immersed he was until he felt a tickling sensation at the back of his neck and looked up. Youngjae sat in front of him on the floor where he had flopped down and was looking at him. He grinned at him and Jinyoung felt a bit guilty.
“How long have you been sitting here?”
Youngjae chuckled. “Quite a while, hyung. It’s interesting to watch you reading though.”
He looked fondly at him and Jinyoung couldn’t but wonder what Youngjae felt for him. Did he by any chance feel the same? The pains he must have taken to get Jinyoung out of the slump, how devastating must have it been. No one could do this without feeling anything. Right? Jinyoung tried to look through the other boy, but that one only chuckled.
“Hyung, what are you staring so intently at me?”
“Do you by any chance love me?”
Jinyoung hadn’t meant to speak these words out loud, but here they were, and here Youngjae was, stopping in his laughter and getting nervous. He scrambled up, mumbling something about “closing soon” and went out of the library. Jinyoung put the book back and followed him quickly.
They went awkwardly, Youngjae at the front and Jinyoung trailing behind him. He didn’t even know where they were going when the first drops hit him. Soon, it was raining heavily and as Youngjae didn’t either care or just didn’t feel it, he pulled them both under a cover. It was the entrance of a bakery which had closed by now and admittedly not the best place as it was small and cramped with even just them both. He could feel Youngjae’s shoulder press into his until the younger took a step away. Jinyoung saw his other shoulder getting hit by the rain and pulled him close again, throwing an arm around him.
Shocked, Youngjae looked at him and Jinyoung realized they’ve never stood that close before. He could take a good look at Youngjae's mole under his right eye and the eyes themselves which were so dark and alluring, and his lips which- or was he just drawing closer? He didn’t quite know until he pressed his own lips on Youngjae’s. For a moment he thought the younger would bolt, but then Youngjae was kissing back and throwing his arms around Jinyoung’s shoulders, pulling himself close.
They kissed for a while, losing themselves in each other’s mouths and hands roaming over clothed body parts. No words were said, just the rain drumming all around them, the sound of their lips and their heavy breathing.
After a moment, Youngjae pulled away, putting his hands on Jinyoung’s chest. “Let’s go to yours.” He huffed and dragged Jinyoung away from their shelter, holding his hand. Jinyoung hadn’t even realized that the rain had stopped, only a few light drops still falling onto their heads. (He squeaked when Youngjae pulled him through puddles, not caring about their trousers or shoes, just the fastest way to get to Jinyoung’s apartment.)
He was still too dazed from all the kissing and the beautiful view on Youngjae’s nape, to notice how they arrived at his apartment and how they went into it without him giving any directions or his keycode, but he couldn’t ask even if his mind were sane enough, as Youngjae started to kiss him again as soon as the door closed behind them. Quickly they lost their scarfs and coats, and Jinyoung guided them to the couch, his left hand under Youngjae’s shirt feeling along his back, and his right hand at his nape, stroking through the short hairs there. They sat down somewhat awkwardly before Youngjae slipped onto his lap, getting comfortable there. Now that they were home it was so much easier to let hands slip under clothes and into hair and Jinyoung revelled in the feel of Youngjae on him, under his hands. The kisses got sloppier, wetter and when Jinyoung heard a sniff, he pulled away and opened his eyes.
Shocked, he cradled Youngjae’s face in his hands, his eyes red as tears were flowing and snot dripped out of his nose.
“Youngjae! What-” Jinyoung panicked, trying to stroke away the tears, but they were flowing too fast. “Did I do something wrong? Youngjae!”
Youngjae shook his head and buried it in Jinyoung’s shoulder, soaking the fabric there, and gripped tight around his torso, clinging to the older. Insecure about what to do, Jinyoung put his hands on Youngjae’s back and hair, trying to comfort him.
“I’m sorry, hyung.” The younger mumbled, “I-I just love you so much. I- I … for so long.. Seeing you .. all these years...” He hiccupped and Jinyoung’s insecure hands got more confident, pulling him closer.
“Youngjae, I love you too.” he whispered, but Youngjae’s wailing didn’t stop.
Jinyoung’s shoulder was wet and soggy, but he didn’t care. He just wished he could stop Youngjae’s crying, seeing him laugh again, but he didn’t really understood what exactly had induced it and he wasn’t sure he’d understand even if Youngjae would explain it to him. So he did all he could, holding him close, whispering how much he loved him into his ears, how much the younger had gotten to him in these several weeks, and running his hands along Youngjae’s back in a comforting manner. It took a while for Youngjae’s sobbing to decrease and when it did, Jinyoung had to realize that the younger had fallen asleep. Having still a death grip around his torso, he heaved Youngjae up and went to lay down in his bed with him. Usually, he was averse to going to bed with his clothes still on, but there was really nothing he could do. Sighing, he laid down, Youngjae still clinging onto him and his own hands securely around him. It didn’t take him long until he was asleep.
He felt groggy and drowsy when he awoke, feeling small butterfly kisses pressed along his cheeks and throat.
“Youngjae?” He croaked, his senses swindling again as he turned towards the younger and put an arm around him again after he had moved in his sleep. As he was falling unconscious again, he heard Youngjae whisper and was gone.
Slowly he blinked himself awake, the sun was coming through the window and blinding him. He had forgotten to draw the curtains last night. He rubbed his eyes trying to remember what had happened. He and Youngjae had kissed. A lot. He giggled, but then he remembered how much Youngjae had cried and he still didn’t know exactly why. He remembered how they had fallen asleep, how he had woken up and Youngjae had whispered something to him. It hadn’t made sense then, just a mumble of vague words, too low to understand, but he heard it clearly now in his head, could make out all the words.
“Please live happily even when I’m gone, hyung.”
He was awake instantly, sitting up and searching his room for Youngjae, but the cute boy was nowhere to be seen. He ran out of his bedroom, but wherever he went, the kitchen, the bathroom, Youngjae wasn’t there. His clothes were gone too, so maybe he had left while he was asleep? Jinyoung quickly washed and changed his clothes, pulling on his shoes and coat, and stormed out of the door.
When he arrived at the office he was later than usual and a few of his colleagues threw him some confused glances, but he didn’t care. He arrived at his desk, hoping Youngjae was already there, but the place where he usually sat was empty. Dejected, Jinyoung sat down in his own seat and started to work. More often than not he glanced up, looking out for Youngjae, but the other didn’t come.
It was lunch time and Jinyoung had barely done anything, too distracted to concentrate on work. Even as he went to eat with Jackson he didn’t feel like himself. He picked at his sandwich until Jackson flicked him on his forehead.
“What’s up with you again, why are you picking all the cucumbers out of your sandwich?!”
“Ah, I’m sorry, I don’t know.” He slipped the cucumber into his mouth, a strange feeling at the back of his head like he had forgotten something. “Our intern didn’t come to work today and I’m a bit worried.”
“The one you have the hots for?” Jackson grinned and Jinyoung growled at him, not really able to retort since, well, he wasn’t wrong. “Call him or pay him a visit? Maybe he just got a cold?”
Jinyoung stopped.
“I don’t have his number. I don’t even know where he lives.”
Jackson choked on his food. “Jinyoung!” he yelled indignantly, a few heads turning towards them, “I knew you were bad at romance but I didn’t deem you that bad!”
“Oh, shut up!” Jinyoung grumbled, stuffed his sandwich into his mouth, not caring that it was too large for it, and made to go. He’d just ask their boss. He should either know or have the necessary information to contact him. His steps up to the office were faster than usual and in no time he stood in front of the office in question. He knocked on the door and stepped in when the signal to do so came from inside. His boss was lanky, only a few years older than him and always looked rather sleepy, but Jinyoung knew he was the most capable person in this whole building.
“Excuse me, Mr. Tuan.” he started and the other threw him a friendly smile, “But the intern, Choi Youngjae, didn’t come to work today and I was wondering if you maybe knew what’s up or if you have some contact information of him?”
Mr. Tuan’s smile faded and he frowned. He blinked confused at Jinyoung.
“Mr. Park, we haven’t had any interns in years! You of all people should know that.”
Jinyoung’s eyes went wide and he could feel his breathing stop, his head getting dizzy and a familiar humming sounding in his ears. This couldn’t be. Youngjae had been there, he was real. He had worked with Jinyoung, opened up his heart and made his own place in there. He was still there, Jinyoung could feel it, none of his feelings were gone. He clenched his chest, his heart beating faster behind it. All around him things were turning and he could see the floor coming closer.
“Mr. Park!” his boss screamed, catching him before he could hit the floor. The dizziness was slowly fading, but there was still the humming in his ears. “Maybe you should go home, you don’t look well.” He could hear Mr. Tuan’s voice vaguely and nodded. With wobbly knees he stood up and left the room unsteadily.
He didn’t really know how he made it back home, but when he did, he rummaged for his old laptop and threw it on. It had been a while since he used it but it still worked. He opened up his browser and typed ‘Choi Youngjae’ into the searchbar. There was no way Youngjae wasn’t real. Everything was still clear in his memory, the way he laughed at him, the way he had dragged him to places, the way he seemed to know everything about Jinyoung before he had told him, the way he always took another bus, the way no one but him seemed to be aware of him. He stopped in his tracks.
With shaking hands he pressed the enter key and waited a moment for his browser to finish loading. He breathed in relief when the first articles appeared. They were about him winning piano competitions and Jinyoung smiled at a picture of a wide grinning Youngjae. He scrolled down and a few more articles about music and pianos came up before Jinyoung halted again and this time, his heart seemed to stop too.
There was a serious picture of Youngjae, like it had been taken from his ID, and next to it the picture of a crashed car. Jinyoung could barely see the headline and date before the tears in his eyes blurred his vision. It had been around the time Jinyong had his blackout, maybe it was even the same day. If Jinyoung could just remember! He slid down onto the floor crying and curled into himself. He cried until he couldn’t anymore and he just felt empty. He felt like he was thrown back to the beginning again, when he woke up not knowing what happened to him and unable to feel a happy spark in his heart. The only difference was, now he knew what happened, why he was empty and sad. Youngjae was dead.
He closed his eyes and listened to Youngjae’s voice in his head.
“Please live happily even when I’m gone, hyung.”
There was a hum in his ears and slowly, he recognised the melody. It was the one that he had heard so often before in his head. He had forgotten about it when Youngjae stepped into his life. Now that he thought about it, he was pretty sure that was the moment it had stopped. With Youngjae gone, the music came back and Jinyoung was sure it was still the same melody, but it felt different. Instead of the sadness that usually came with it, he felt comfort and warmth seeping into his chest. It lulled him into a blanket of soft feathers and touches, wiping his tear-stained cheeks and caressing his face. Youngjae. Youngjae was still there with him. Had always been with him, only that Jinyoung had never known. How much pain must it have been to be always there, close by his side without being recognised, loving without being loved back? Jinyoung wanted to hug him so much. He took a deep breath, “Thank you, Youngjae-ah.” he whispered.
It was a bit strange at first, but Jinyoung got used to it quickly, the melody in his head and even though he wasn’t there physically, he could feel Youngjae’s warmth next to him. It was what kept him up and going, enjoying his life, visiting places he would want to visit with the younger boy and sometimes serenading him in a karaoke bar.
That was until one day the feeling vanished. The melody in his head was gone and the warm feel that always accompanied it too. Irritated he looked around. Everything was still like always, just that Youngjae wasn’t there anymore. Jinyoung tried his best to not let it get to him and went to work and lunch with Jackson like usual. But 3 days later, there was still no sign of Youngjae, he felt himself regressing to his old self again. When Jackson asked him at lunch what was up with him again, he couldn’t help himself and broke out in tears. Jackson took him to his apartment that night and in Jackson’s arms he cried himself to sleep.
He hadn’t told Jackson before what exactly happened with his intern, fearing that the other would call him a lunatic. But that night, Jinyoung told him and Jackson listened and stroked his back, whispering comforting words into his hair.
“Thank you, hyung.” he said the next morning.
“No problem. I’m sure he’ll come back. Don’t worry too much.” Jackson pushed a cup of coffee into his hands.
The door beeped, the keycode being pressed in until with an annoying melody it finally opened.
“Hyung!” came a tall man running, “We just got a new pianist!” He stopped short when he saw Jinyoung. His gaze went to the coffee in his hands and back to his face. Jinyoung hoped he wouldn’t have the wrong idea of his relationship with Jackson. But the tall guy just went past him and towards Jackson. “Hyung, give me coffee too!”
“Yah! Is that how you speak with people older than you!” Jinyoung bursted out before he could think twice. Jackson laughed. “Let me introduce you. Jinyoung, that’s Yugyeom, my soulmate. Yugyeom, that’s Jinyoung, my long time friend.”
“Aaah!” went both and grinned.
“Nice to meet you.” Jinyoung said and held his hand out.
“Nice to meet you too. Did you by any chance visit our restaurant? You look familiar.” Yugyeom shook it.
“Apropos restaurant, you were saying something?” Jackson interrupted them and put his arms around Yugyeom’s waist from behind. It looked somewhat comical and Jinyoung had to do his best to not snort. Yugyeom nodded and pulled him to his side instead.
“We just got a new pianist.” He turned to Jinyoung and explained, “We have a piano but haven’t had someone playing it for 3 years, so the owner was thinking about selling it. But now we found someone.” Jinyoung’s heart sank. He remembered Youngjae playing on that piano, though, back then he was the only one who heard and saw it.
“How is the new pianist? Any good?” Jackson asked. Yugyeom nodded.
“I only heard a bit but he plays really well. He’s just part time though. Says he studies still. Something about starting late. I didn’t quite get it but he’s cute though.”
Jackson frowned. “Not that you’re cheating on me!” he joked and Yugyeom laughed.
“I would never!” He gave Jackson a loud smooch on the lips, “besides, he said he already has his soulmate, but he just needs to meet him? Be found or something? He’s a bit weird.”
Jinyoung’s heart beat louder, there was a notion crawling into his head, but he tried to play it cool. If it were false, the disappointment wasn’t something he could take.
“Can-can I-... can you maybe introduce me to him?” he asked unsurely, but Yugyeom grinned.
“Sure, I wanted to meet him later for coffee, because he works in a coffee shop too! And since we’re both the only ones about the same age from the whole restaurant staff, we thought we should drink on it!”
Jinyoung breathed in relief. “Thank you!”
Jackson threw him a questioning glance, but Jinyoung just shrugged, signalling that he had no idea.
They were meeting in the afternoon and Jinyoung got more and more nervous all day. What if it was really him? What if it wasn’t? If it really was him, why hadn’t he sought Jinyoung out? Had he maybe lost all his memories? What if he just got sick of Jinyoung being the only one living and decided to dump him? Jinyoung thought that unlikely, but who was he to know?
When he finally arrived at the meeting place, he was tense like a fork and Yugyeom looked weirdly at him. “Are you okay?”
“Honestly, I’m not sure.” He sighed. “Let’s just go.”
Yugyeom nodded and patted him on the shoulder, leading him to the coffee shop in question. They entered the shop and a familiar voice called out “Welcome!” Jinyoung’s breath stopped as he saw the barista, talking with someone else at the counter and paying them no attention. He was still as beautiful as he remembered him, with a smile that could challenge the sun. But currently, that smile was not turned to him. It was turned to the dark skinned, lanky boy that stood in front of him and Jinyoung would lie if he said he wasn’t jealous.
Yugyeom walked close to them and Jinyoung followed, none of the two boys had noticed them yet. They turned first to Yugyeom and Youngjae’s eyes lit up.
“Yugyeom, you’re there already! Awesome! Bambam just came to take over for me.”
“Hi~” the other boy smiled up at Yugyeom before he saw behind him to Jinyoung. “And who are you?”
Yugyeom was saying something, probably explaining the situation in which he had taken him along, but Jinyoung heard nothing of that, because in right that moment Youngjae’s eyes fell on him and something Jinyoung never believed in happened. There was a seething heat running through his body and gathering in his chest, making his heart beat faster and making him see stars. Youngjae was more blinding than ever, a halo around him illuminating him and Jinyoung knew, he wasn’t just in love, he had found his soulmate. The weird sensation was over in a moment and Jinyoung could hear Yugyeom finishing off with “so now he’s here.” Youngjae was looking at him wide eyed, obviously having felt the same thing, before he laughed and actually jumped over the discounter (Bambam screeched with indignation) and into Jinyoung’s arms.
“I’ll never let go of you again, you hear!” Jinyoung hugged him tight, pressing his nose into Youngjae’s shoulder.
“I hope so, hyung!” he sniffed. “Hyung, I’m so glad, they-they gave me a second chance!”
Reluctantly, Jinyoung pulled them apart so that he could wipe away Youngjae’s tears. “Stop crying, I’m not kissing you with that snotty nose.”
Youngjae chuckled. “But hyung, you’re crying too!”
“Am not.” he sniffed, he hadn’t even realized the tears falling.
“Wow, I didn’t think finding your soulmate would be that dramatic.” Bambam commented from the sidelines. Yugyeom shrugged.
“It wasn’t as dramatic when Jackson and I met.” He grinned fondly of the memory, Jackson had been so happy and bright, it still melted his heart just thinking about it. “You’ll find your soulmate too, I’m sure of it.”
Bambam deflated. “I don’t know. I feel like I’ve already missed my chance.”
Youngjae turned around in Jinyoung’s arms, facing Bambam. “I- I.. I’m sure ... “ He started before he bit his lip, contemplating, “Jaebum, he .. he loves you a lot, I’m sure he’ll make it too.”
Bambam’s eyes widened before he grinned and nodded, tears gathering in his eyes without falling. Jinyoung just pulled Youngjae closer, so so glad to finally be able to hold him and kiss him as much as he wanted to.
(“Hyung, I know you promised to never let go of me and I appreciate how serious you are about it but pleeeaaase let me pee in peace!”)