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"I am so lost," contemplated Lucifer aloud, tears brimming his eyes as he gripped his hair with one hand. Disbelief left his body with a heavy breathe out. "I just need some guidance, that's all I'm asking for, Al!" Though his voice was louder than he anticipated, it cracked with confusion and pain. No matter what patterns his eyes traced on the ground beneath them, they didn't hold the answer; nevertheless, they searched the carpet in hopes that it would be revealed.
It was better than looking at the snarling expression his lover held currently. All he could repeat in his mind were the last few words Alastor had scoffed out at him in exhasperation: I shouldn't have to parent you through this. Parent Lucifer through an apology? He had felt that he apologized the best he could, over and over again, yet nothing worked. All of his sweet words and understanding were met with "that's not enough." His cheeks flared with heat at those words, finally looking up at Alastor with new frustration instead of desperate sadness. But before he could say anything, Alastor rolled his eyes.
"I had told you time and time again, Lucifer, and yet you never listened!" The growl that came from Alastor only fueled the fire beneath Lucifer's skin as his claws tightened around his hair, almost ripping out the blonde strands. "And not to mention how terribly you have been treating me lately. I have had enough of it," Alastor spat out, waving his hands frantically as he spoke and straightening up.
"What the fuck does that even mean?" Roared Lucifer back, finally releasing his own head and standing up from his spot on the bed. Heat began to burn in the Kings eyes, answering the question of whether his anger was finally showing on him. Yes, his face was hot, but his eyes were now covered with red, burning hotter than the volcanoes in Wrath. Roughly, Lucifer placed an open palm against his own chest and stepped forward once — Alastor's face twisting in further rage as he did. "I have been doing so much for you, putting up with all the shit you've been throwing at me! Keeping up with your love language daily, reassuring you about my love and devotion, even stepping out of my goddamn comfort zone to do things you like!" Not touching him or even close to it, he pointed an accusatory finger towards his lover and snarled. "So tell me: how the fuck have I've been treating you badly when I've been neglected since the beginning of this year?"
"Neglected?" The laugh that escaped Alastor was airy, filled with disbelief as his ears pointed straight to Lucifer, baffled that there was pain that he supposedly caused the king. The only thing that popped up in Alastor's mind that could have been even close to what Lucifer was imply was…
"All this shit because I won't do your silly love language?"
At that sentence alone, Lucifer flinched back, frowning deeply with anger but hurt was now laced into it. Was that truly what Alastor thought about his own love language? While it was easy, to simply spend time together when available, Lucifer craved to be creative with his lover. Create a form of art, write a story, play music. And the deer had been avoiding it, brushing it off for later only for it to never come. Yet this was unexpected.
The lungs in his chest struggled to bring in air as the tears finally began to fall. It didn't move Alastor, of course it wouldn't. All the Overlord did was snarl further, pushing his ears back against his head and shake his head. It was unspoken, yet Lucifer knew what he wanted to say: pathetic. Taking in a deep breath, Lucifer lowered his head and grabbed his hat from the bed, shoving it on lower than usual as he stepped around Alastor.
"We're done."
Those words held more meaning that Lucifer expected. As he stood in front of Alastor's door, he felt his throat close up at the feeling of power. At least, the power was heavier than usual. The reason was fairly simple: Alastor put up wards against Lucifer.
All the others had no issue with entering the room, not even feeling the pulsing magic. It was only for Lucifer. He had been completely blocked out of Alastor's life. It first came after the fight, once Lucifer left the room to go downstairs. There was an attempt from the King to move on from the fight, to take some space and come back to the issue once both parties had calmed down. Yet as he made his way back to Alastor's room, he found himself suffocating under the wards.
He tried again the next day.
And the next.
And now he stood here once again, staring at the familiar door and eyeing the neon runes against them, the only thing physically showing everyone that he was specifically kept out of Alastor's room.
Charlie had comforted her father, explaining that he should give him time. That while she doesn't want to take sides, she understands his anxiety and hurt. Not that he wanted her to take any sides — he didn't even explain the situation fully besides "we got into a fight." Vaggie, never having been a fan of Alastor, didn't make any snide comments. Only a gentle place of a hand on his shoulder was the comfort he got from her. Even Husk and Niffty offered their support, saying that he'd come back once he's cooled down. Though three days has been too long. How long was he expected to wait even? A week? 2 weeks? A whole month?
I didn't help that there was no sign of Alastor around Lucifer. The demon was still alive — obviously — but he ceased all interactions with him. It was as if Alastor had warded himself, disappearing from the scene as soon as Lucifer made an entrance. From what he heard from the others, Alastor was living life as if nothing had happened, as if they weren't talking at all. And while Lucifer tried his best to continue, it felt like everyone around him was waiting for him to crash. The signs were already there, they just waited for the inevitable. The spotlights were on him, a fagile vase that was gradually being tipped over. And no matter how much precautions and cushioning those around him put, he was still going to break.
But Lucifer had gotten better and he wasn't going to let his boyfriend destroy him.
A tear threatened to fall at the question that suddenly rang in his head, haunting him during his waking and sleeping moments. It was the same question he had constantly asked himself once Lilith disappeared without an answer for 7 years.
At that simple realization, Lucifer felt his breathing stop. Lips trembling uncontrollably, he stepped away from the door quickly.
If Alastor was going to ignore him, then there was only one way to force him to talk to him.
"You are fucking insane." Robotically looking up from his phone, Lucifer stared at the wall in front of him, deadpanned and empty, instead of turning to face the static-filled voice. The plan had worked quicker than Lucifer anticipated. Perhaps it was cause Alastor had been nearby the only person who saw the private post, Husk, and immediately took action. No one else has seen it yet. "Truly, you need serious help, Lucifer."
The phone clicked off, tapping against the desk Lucifer sat at as he decided his nails were in need of attention. The cuticles had been picked till they bled, yet he always found another piece of skin to pull at.
"I'm allowed to talk about what happened, Alastor."
"No, you do not have to share our dirty laundry to the public, to our friends." The Overlord growled from behind him, stepping closer to where Lucifer sat. "It is completely immature! Are you are the one that is supposed to be older than me."
Lucifer spun rapidly to meet Alastor, standing up from his chair as his eyes once again burned with rage. All the stoicness that Lucifer attempted to keep dissipated in a flash. The action had caught Alastor off guard, making him stop in his tracks and cease his snarling, only for a second.
"And what do you call putting up the wards, huh? Maturity?" Asked Lucifer with fire on his tongue, pointing an open palm to his own door as if it was Alastor's room. No matter how much they had fought in the past, Lucifer never even thought of throwing up wards and blocking out Alastor. Only asked for space, if needed. Because in the end, he always wanted to come back. Yet from this, it felt different.
"You had said we were done." Alastor replied back apathetically, causing more fury to rise out of Lucifer. Running his hands down his face, Lucifer shook his head.
"I didn't mean it like that! I've said that before but it was never me ending our relationship!" The anger slowly began to fade into a weak tone of desperation as he finally spoke the meaning of being shut out. While Alastor hasn't said anything, it had felt like he got dumped. And Lucifer was so confused as to why.
"Well," Alastor glared at Lucifer, "I had taken it that way."
"So what, that means we're broken up then?"
"Yes, Lucifer."
His face fell, a small scoff escaping his lips before he could stop it. Eyes brimmed with unshed tears, Lucifer stepped closer to Alastor only to see the deer step back. The small action caused him to freeze in his spot, throat closing up to prevent a sob and mouth hung open with a wary frown.
"No, Al, we don't have to break up," He began to plead. Placing a shaking hand on his chest, he tried to smile as a tear rolled down his cheek. "I can fix this, I- I can do better!"
"That is not the point." The emptiness in Alastor's voice only drove the dagger deeper into his heart. His lips trembled as Lucifer shook his head, letting more tears roll down his face.
"Please, we can work through this." Lucifer ran one hand through his hair, hand hold a horrible tremor as it did. "We- We've been on a break before. Let's do that instead! We can go on a break," Begged the King, trying to reach out to Alastor. The other's ears twitched backwards, the red eyes shooting down to the hand coming towards him, scaring away Lucifer from attempting to reach out to him again.
"I do not wish to go on a break, Lucifer." He shook his head more, watching in slow motion as Alastor's eyes met his and eight words were said. "I do not want to be with you."
"Please, Al." Voice cracking into a whisper, Lucifer simply continued to shake his head. It was a pathetic display. Lucifer trembling as tears fell down his face, begging for his lover — former lover — to stay with him. Not even something he had done with Lilith. She simply left and never came back. Yet Alastor was bringing the clarity he never had gotten before. It felt more painful than helpful.
In the light, a single tear glistened in Alastor's eyes, his smile tightening into one that was closed lip as he shook his head back at Lucifer. "We are not healthy for each other," He spoke with a slight tremble in his voice. Those bright red eyes looked up towards the ceiling as Alastor's chest expanded with air. "Perhaps in the future we can be together again…" With hesitance, the gaze fell on Lucifer's quivering form. "But not now."
"No," Lucifer cried out, his body caving into himself as more tears fell down his face. "We can just go on a break, it doesn't have to be… No." The sin of Pride couldn't compose himself, letting his body crumble to the floor in front of Alastor who simply looked down on him, willing himself to stay strong despite the evident hurt in his own eyes.
"You should not wait for me, Lucifer," Alastor simply stated, closing his eyes tightly and keeping that strong smile. "Just go on."
The shadows collecting Alastor couldn't be heard over Lucifer's sobs. Those noises took over the entire room, heavy against Lucifer's back and forcing him to curl into himself against the floor. His forehead rubbed against the carpet with each rapid gasp of air and harsh cry that he let out. With time, his hands found purchase in his hair again, pulling and grabbing the blonde curls harshly before one hand released it, formed a fist and hit against the skull. The pain helped a little, finally allowing Lucifer to draw out words in between sobs. Yet those words were spoken into the ground, unheard by the one he needed in that moment.
None of this made sense to him. The fight, the hurt, the desperation. Each month replayed in his head like a broken film on a reel as he tried to figure out the breaking point. Perhaps it was during the winter time, when Lucifer's depression got the best of him and resulted into him lashing out towards Alastor. Or was it during Alastor's birthday when Lucifer felt overwhelmed with the party, causing it to be a ruined celebration? No, it must have been overflow of tasks Lucifer has gained as he tried to focus on being a present leader again, forcing himself to spend less time with Alastor. He had done something wrong, that was clear enough. Yet he couldn't pin point where.
The memories caused him to hit his head more, the tears not coming anymore but the empty sobs continuing.
Where did he go wrong?