Chapter Text
One thing Youngjae knew even from a little age was that the nice Mr. and Mrs. Kim live next door. He would see them so often he thought that they were his real family.
They had joint dinners every Saturday and Sunday and his mom always cooked way too much food.
They had a son the same age as Youngjae so the two always played together. His name was Kim Dohoon and he was a bit older than Youngjae. At first Dohoon wasn't as friendly. He would be very cold towards Youngjae, often refusing to play or hiding his toys away from Youngjae.
Youngjae didn't mind at first. His parents told him that they just moved here so he was having a hard time adjusting and slowly time proved its thing.
Dohoon slowly opened up to Youngjae more and started actually playing with Youngjae, not just glaring at him and running to his mom.
Slowly they became inseparable and everyone was loving it. Their moms were over the moon, picking matching outfits, doing everything that screamed we want them together by college.
Their friendship didn't need to be proven by grand gestures, some fun hangouts or anything too extra. They just learned how to exist around eachother in a way that made them the most comfortable.
They didn't need to say many words to be understood. A small nod, a look in the eyes, just the way the others body shit, they understood everything. Dohoon was sharp, outgoing and adorably annoying while Youngjae was more calmer, introverted and quiet.
Complete opposites that somehow couldn't live without eachother. Youngjae was Dohoon's better half as he liked to say. They completed eachother, filled in what was lacking in the other, loved parts of each other so much that the other person didn't even need to love them. It was like that for them, a silent but strong friendship that wouldn't break even if hit by the strongest hammer.
Being the same age meant they went to elementary school together. They're going to high school together, and are applying to colleges together. They're like twins but from different parents.
And along the way of their friendship, of their feet becoming synced to the point of only hearing one foot on the ground, of the nights they talked about everything. About their future, careers, jobs, Youngjae couldn't help but start to look at Dohoon differently. His heart caught something he wasn't ready to admit yet. Something he tried bottling up to the deepest depths of his heart just so it doesn't spill out and ruin everything they had carefully crafted step by step.
He couldn't help but start to notice every little thing about Dohoon. He couldn't help but look at Dohoon every time he thought Dohoon wasn't watching. His gaze, full of love, always stayed long on Dohoon, his eyes traced even the tiny bits of Dohoon, they traced everything.
But he couldn't ever tell Dohoon anything. Ruining the friendship wasn't worth the risk for Youngjae, he'd rather they stay friends forever then have something and hate eachother after it finishes. So he painfully tried forgetting about his feelings for Dohoon. Burying them in so deep his heart would hurt thinking about Dohoon.
But God, it was so awful. He woke up with a throbbing ache that never went away. The feelings were threatening to spill out at any moment. Whenever they met it was like a battle zone with Youngjae fighting against his feelings. His heart would tell him to go for it but his mind couldn't. Everything in him would shut down the moment Dohoon walked past him.
He wished they could just go to the times where he wasn't a loser in love but Dohoon's best friend who never saw him in a romantic way just like a friend he never wanted to lose. But unfortunately the “Dohoon's just a friend” slowly turned into “I'm going insane every time i see him” and Youngjae never felt more pathetic. How in the fuck was he going to pretend that he doesn't feel his soul crushing every time Dohoon starts talking to a new person.
His mind crumbles, his heart aches, his body goes weak just at the thought of Dohoon kissing someone else. The jealousy was killing him slowly and he couldn't do anything about it but sit on his bed and feel it get worse day by day.
At first the feelings were manageable enough, but every good thing had its end and slowly the feelings turned into some kind of monster inside him that revealed the dirtiest, most toxic sides of him he wished no one would ever see. But it was too hard to control it, too hard to move on.
And the feelings buried inside were like a constant reminder that they aren't the same Dohoon and Youngjae from 5 years ago when life was full of sunshine and rainbows. When Youngjae's feelings hadn't gotten in the way of his daily life, of his functioning.
The feelings for Dohoon felt worse than getting stabbed in the chest. Getting stabbed in the chest passed eventually, you either healed or you died but this, this doesn't go away so easily. This stays, through your best, your worst moments, it stays through everything, it disturbs your peace, it lingers behind your voice.
And Youngjae tried everything, fucking everything to find a new crush, to forget about Dohoon. He even tried distancing himself but that put even a stronger crushing feeling on his heart.
With college exams near, Youngjae feared just one thing and unfortunately that was the only thing that came true. Not one of his wishes had come true, but the one thing he had feared about the most came true as soon as his mind recognised it as fear and not a wish.
His already crushed heart had only a sliver of hope and with the announcement of that news, the only hope he once clung to disappeared as quickly as his quietly fallen tears.
…
The day was sunny enough when they got the news. Birds were happily chirping outside, Dohoon was anxiously waiting in front of his laptop and Youngjae, Youngjae was nowhere to be seen.
The bathroom door creaked open and his soul left his body before he collapsed near the sink. His mom left a loud gasp and tried picking him up.
When she looked at him, his eyes were two times its normal size. The hands that currently gripped her shirt were shaking like there was an earthquake and his legs had long since given out.
He gestured to her not to pick him up but to sit next to him. When she sat, the words spilled out of her mouth immediately.
“Son, what are you doing in here?” her voice concerned as she took Youngjae's hand in hers.
But Youngjae didn't reply, even under her grip, his hands were still shaking violently, lips trembling and tears threatening to spill out.
His mouth opened, closed and opened again but nothing came out. Before he knew it he was being wrapped around his mom's arms and he just patted him on the hand. Allowing him a place to get himself together and to calm down.
She didn't force anything, she offered comfort. Her pats were slow and calming like she tried to understand him and his heart.
She pulled away and slowly stood up saying “come on Youngjae, Dohoon's waiting for us. Endure it for your best friend and then break down in my arms as long as you want to.” She knew, she was the only person he told about his feelings for Dohoon, about how he felt and how pained his heart was.
She offered him her hand and slowly lifted him up from the cold tiles.
“Youngjae, where ar–” Dohoon yelled out but stopped when he saw Youngjae, slightly shaking, and his mom enter the room. “Oh there you are.” He said with a big smile and that made Youngjae's heart start beating at an unusual rate.
Dohoon’s laptop dinged, which meant a notification came. His breath got caught in his throat and his whole body trembled. “It-it’s h-h-here.” He stuttered as he pointed to his laptop.
There was it, life or death to Dohoon, does he get into his dream college, or stay here. Life or death for Youngjae, does Dohoon move away for four long years or stays with him through every step of the way.
Dohoon slowly clicked on the notification and started reading aloud.
To. Kim Dohoon
Dear Sir, on the basis of your application and on the basis of your overall success.
We want to inform you that you have been accepted to our university.
Other information will come soon, congratulations.
The moment Dohoon's face lit up, Youngjae's lost all the colour. But only for a second. Dohoon couldn't see him like this, not when the moment he waited for his entire life came true.
He started jumping around in happiness, singing some stupid songs that always made Youngjae's heart swell from cuteness. But now his heart was closer to exploding, the tears were on the verge of spilling. And still, he stood up and gave Dohoon the biggest hug.
“Congratulations Dohoon, I'm so proud of you.” He said through his tears that unfortunately weren't from happiness. “Are you crying?!” Dohoon said, laughing and then his own tears started falling.
“I'm so proud of you Dohoonie.” He said and Dohoon believed it, that was the easiest part of it all.
Dohoon slowly left to celebrate with his parents and then everything that Youngjae had been holding spilled out.
Loud sobs ripped out of him, and his body, which lacked strength, dropped on the floor with a loud thud.
The sobs were getting louder and louder, but he didn't even know why. Dohoon was leaving, yeah, but that wasn't a big deal. He could endure it, right?
His mom stormed in and slowly put him on his lap, holding him close and letting him pour out everything that was bottled up inside him.
“It'll be okay, it'll be okay.” She repeated softly, playing with his hair.
“I'll just miss him, he'll find new friends, have a boyfriend maybe, he'll forget me in Seoul. I'll just become a distant memory to him. While he goes out and has fun.” He said quietly and then continued. “When he comes home for the holidays, he won't even acknowledge me. I'll be invisible to him.”
And then more tears spilled out onto his mom's hands. But she didn't mind, she never did.
“Youngjae, that wouldn't happen at all. If anyone knows Dohoon that's you, and as much as i know Dohoon i know he wouldn't ever forget you, that would be simply impossible.”
They stayed like that for a while, Youngjae curled up in his mom's lap while she softly played with his hair until his breathing started getting even again and his grip started becoming weaker. She let him fall asleep in his arms not moving an inch because she knew how it was to be hopelessly in love with someone you can't have.
….
When he woke up he wasn't in the living room, the room he woke up in was very familiar. It was a room he woke up very times in but it wasn't his.
Slow footsteps approached the door and opened it. Youngjae immediately closed his eyes shut, pretending to be asleep still.
“Youngjae” Dohoon shaked him softly, “wake up” he said. But Youngjae didn't budge he stayed still, controlling his breathing so he wouldn't get caught.
Dohoon shook him a little harder this time and he opened his eyes. Trying his best to seem sleepy.
“You're up!” Dohoon said with a smile on his face, but Youngjae's whole body ached, his heart was crumbling seeing that beautiful smile, knowing he would see it only 2 to 3 times a year until Dohoon finishes college.
“What time is it?” Youngjae asked, his voice raspy from sleep. “It's close to nine.” Dohoon said as he sat on the edge of the bed.
“My family hosted a dinner but you were sleeping so soundly so your mom brought you here and they went out.”
“So, now we're the only ones here?” Youngjae asked, voice unsure. “Yeah.” Fuck, Dohoon still had that smile plastered on his face, Youngjae wished he could kiss him.
“Get up let's do something fun.” Dohoon dragged him out of the bed and walked with him towards his living room.
It was full of balloons, cakes and congratulatory messages. Youngjae couldn't bear seeing them. It was a constant reminder that his favourite person in the world was just a month away from moving out and seeing him 10 times max in 4 years.
10 times in 1461 days. Maybe even less, depending on his schedule. Youngjae regretted not applying to the same college. But his dream was never Seoul. No colleges in Seoul had anything he wanted and they were madly expensive, so he stayed in his city while his best friend moved.
Dohoon seemed to notice that Youngjae was in his thoughts so he slowly nudged him. “Everything okay there?” Dohoon said as he pointed to Youngjae's head.
“Yeah.” Youngjae said too quickly, even Dohoon knew it was a lie. “Youngjae you know you can say anything to me.” Dohoon said, taking a step closer. Youngjae's breath caught in his throat as he took a step further away.
“I'm okay.” He said too defensively so Dohoon pushed more. “If this is about me leav-”
“Shut up! I'm okay for God's sake I'm perfectly fine stop worrying!” He yelled out. That seemed to startle Dohoon, but the didn't back down, something bothered his best friend and he needed to know what exactly.
“You never sleep during the day, but today you slept 7 hours. Youngjae, something's wrong and I'll realise it sooner or later.” He said, his voice firm and confident.
“Well, you won't because there's nothing wrong with me Dohoon, you always worry too much.” Youngjae tried laughing a bit but Dohoon's expression grew even more worried.
He scooted over to Youngjae and took his hands in his. “Youngjae, we've known eachother for more than 10 years, i know when you're struggling and when you're okay. For the past 3 months you have been different. What is it? Please tell me” Dohoon pleaded, his expression desperate, he was desperate, he wanted to get answers out of Youngjae.
But how could Youngjae say anything. How could he say Dohoon I've been in love with you for 3 years straight and I don't know what to do about. My heart’s been hurting all those 3 years. And now the thought of you leaving is crushing me. He couldn't say that. So he continued to lie, continued to make excuses.
“Dohoon, for one last time, I'm fine, please believe.” He said, almost crying. Seeing Youngjae's expression, Dohoon decided to drop it but he didn't look convinced at all.
…
Youngjae dropped to his bed and for the 6th time this day started sobbing. This was hurting him more then he could've ever imagined, it was unbearable, soul crushing.
His pillow was soaked in tears as the sound of his door was heard and a light figure stepped in. He stood up to see his mom standing by the door expression going from worried to relieved in less than a second.
“Dohoon called me” she said as she sat on Youngjae's bed. Youngjae's heart fluttered at the name and he immediately got up and sat cross-legged. “What did the say?” He said, already knowing this wasn't going to go well.
“He told me that he thinks there's something wrong with you and asked me if i knew something he didn't.”
“And, what did you say?”
“I said that you're perfectly fine.” She said and Youngjae hugged her so hard they almost fell off his bed.
“You need to tell him jae, he's going to Seoul now, there won't be many chances for you to tell him and by the time you two finally see eachother again it might be too late.” Her words hit him like a punch to his chest because he knew she was right.
He was running out of time and he needed to tell Dohoon everything. Or he could run out of time. And forever hold it in.
“It's basically like the ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’ moments in weddings.” His mom said and left the room.
He stayed there, looking at the wall like it might give him some ideas, but his mind was blank, just like the wall in front of him.
His brain was close to getting deep fried, the thoughts were too much, but none of them held solutions only more problems for his and Dohoon's friendship.
He burried his face in his hands and screamed loud. He was doomed.
…