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Lapis' gentle lips gave kisses that felt like knives on green skin. Every touch opened the wound in Peridot's soul just a little more. Each time she dared to let her gaze shift onto the older gem, she felt her insides tie up in a knot, denying her the honor of simply looking at who she regards as the prettiest sight. The sight that reminds her why they are torturing each other like this. Why it hasn't been the same since that day.
Lapis tries, desperately tries to remind Peridot they are still inseparable despite what happened. She tries everything they used to do together. Regardless of her efforts, the kisses, the hugs, the "I love you"s always lacked any response from the green gem. She never received as little as a glimmer of acknowledgement from her eyes. She only stared, gently pushed her away and told her something along the lines of "Sorry, not today". Was she pretending to be blind to Lapis' pleading heart?
The water gem ignored it since she came back, the hurt look in Peridot's eyes. Perhaps she thought it would go away on it's own. Perhaps she was too ashamed of what she did, so much so that it was next to impossible to apologize. Either way, it was a foolish mistake, one she should have never let herself make. She wanted more than anything to tell Peridot how sorry she is for abandoning her, for causing her endless nights of misery and tears. Lapis had felt every pain in the universe and still none could compare to the dread she found herself in when she watched the lone tears trickle down Peridot's face, something she often saw through the observation device, a sight she kept being chased by in her dreams. She once thought the mirror or her fusion with Jasper were agonizing, now it just made her feel silly. How could she have known she'd throw her life away so carelessly? The life she built with the one person who showed her a new way to love.
Her kisses were once again interrupted, her oxygen cut off, her heart ripped out of her chest. Peridot's hands pushed against the blue gem's shoulders, causing her to withdraw. Lapis looked at her, brows furrowed. The moment she opened her mouth to speak, Peridot was way ahead of her.
"Sorry, Lazuli. I can't-"
Lapis stopped her, her melancholy quick to turn to anger as she spoke.
"You say that all the time, Peridot. I don't know what to think about it at this point. I mean- do you not like me anymore, is that it?"
Peridot averted her eyes. Just like always. Her face mostly expressionless, with a slight hint of frustration. It wasn't that she lost interest, that she suddenly stopped loving Lapis. On the contrary, she worshipped Lapis as if she was a deity, sent from the stars above, just for her. An angel she can love endlessly, a goddess she'd give her feeble life to.
And that made it hurt more. To know her goddess has let her down.
She felt hopeless in the face of the mere thought of fixing this. How long could she endure this aching, burning bruise on her side? How long could she put up with it until it consumes her? It was pointless to wonder, she didn't need an answer anyhow. She would keep this up even if it meant the end of her. She would hide herself to let Lapis shine.
She spoke in a tone that almost mocked the girl for thinking of something so bizarre.
"That's ridiculous. Of course I like you."
The ocean gem certainly found that hard to believe, with the way Peridot's been acting for months. So distant and calculated, robotic, lifeless. Not far from how she was back on that ship. Both sat face to face, a giant, empty table putting distance between them. Both stuck somewhere they didn't want to be, doing something they didn't want to do, just because it was what was expected of them. She remembered vividly how Peridot used to look at her back then, The green gem's occasional gaze was sharp enough to suspend Lapis' train of thought, forcing her to surrender and crawl back into her shell, to go silent and pray to the stars it'd be over soon.
This felt almost the same way it did before, only difference is, she knew Peridot now, she knew the way she is, or at least, the way she used to be. What was once anger and resentment, now left it's place to remorse. A type of guilt that felt more suffocating than the bottom of the ocean.
Lapis stood still for a few seconds, her face cycling through various unexplainable emotions. Sad, angry, confused, betrayed? Her mind was only white noise, deciding on what to say feeling like a chore more than anything. Before she could register it herself, her hand grabbed onto Peridot's and words came out on their own.
"No, be honest with me. You're avoiding me, stop acting like everything's normal."
Point of no return. Peridot couldn't pretend she wasn't just asked this. She couldn't dilute the conversation into a 'small disagreement' and never speak on it again. Lapis wanted her unfiltered thoughts. Simple and clear as day, that is what was asked of Peridot. Would Lapis run away again if she heard how she truly felt? Would she hate her?
Was it even possible to make this situation even worse than it already is?
Peridot painfully gritted her teeth, nearly shattering them. Her eyes looking for something, anything other than the gem in front of her. Her desperate attempt was proven futile as navy blue eyes pierced her heart, forcing her to accept the inevitable. Defeated by the ugly truth, she sighed.
"Lapis, I..
I feel hurt."
Lapis paused, her shoulders tensing as she processed what Peridot meant. She wondered how she could possibly ease the pain, how to heal this scar the way Peridot did for her. The blue gem parted her lips to make an attempt at an apology but closed them just as soon when nothing came out of her. She doubted a simple "sorry" would be enough to make up for weeks of silent torment. A mere apology was low, even for her. A single word wouldn't be able to fix a broken glass, let alone a broken heart.
Peridot squinted her eyes in the face of the uncomfortable silence. She was not surprised at the lack of a response and took the initiative to explain herself further.
"You left me. When we needed to stick together, you took our home and went who knows where. Pumpkin and I waited and waited and.. eventually I just gave up on the hope that, somehow, you might change your mind and come back to me.. Then I started to believe what you said. That we'd all die here."
Peridot looked up at Lapis, finally meeting her gaze, her irises reflecting tones of yellow and lime. Her face showed nothing but contempt. A face that demanded answers and justice. A face that had been hurt, badly. Something Lapis knew all too well from herself. She knew that, if she had a heart, it would be in a million little pieces by now. Peridot kept on talking despite Lapis' internal pleas for her to stop rubbing salt in her wound. She knew she messed up, did she really need to be reminded of everything?
"..And when I thought everything would turn out to be okay after all, you just had to prove me wrong. You didn't even apologize to me. It leads me to wonder, do I really mean that little to you, that you can't even say you're sorry?"
The older gem snapped back to the present as Peridot's words latched onto her brain, forcing out of her a frantic attempt to make things clear, to convince the green gem she was wrong. She couldn't allow herself to make Peridot feel neglected, not again. She had done enough damage as is. Whatever it took to make it up to her beloved, she would do it.
"Peridot, no, I- I never meant to.. You mean everything to me, I promise you do. I'm sorry I left. I'm sorry I let my fear take over me. I was so wrapped up in my own problems that.. I forgot you had your own. I was careless with you. I'm sorry."
Her last few words were choked out instead of spoken, her eyes filling up with warm tears, clinging to Peridot as if she'd fall without her support, which wasn't exactly far from the truth. She cautiously lowered her head to meet the other girl's shoulder, anxious as she rested her chin there, whispering apologies as tears flowed down. She wondered if it was too early to let herself into the green gem's personal space, however, all of her worries melted away, a wave of relief washed over her mind when she felt familiar fingers lovingly stroking her hair. She hadn't even realized how terribly she missed her touch, the tingly feeling she got on her nape whenever Peridot's hands and her hair intertwined. The blue gem tried to choke back her tears, her fingers just about digging into Peridot's skin as she did so.
The shorter gem's expression, harsh and ruthless a moment ago, gave way to her sweet and genuine smile, albeit a bittersweet one. She let out a silent chuckle, a single tear escaping her left eye.
"You really took your time, Lazuli.. We both did."
Lapis backed down a few inches, wiping a tear from her eye with the back of her hand. She moved her hand up to remove Peridot's visor, exposing her golden freckles and brilliant emerald eyes. She looked truly beautiful with that smile, a smile Lapis swore to do anything for. The blue gem placed a simple, tender kiss on the other's triangle shaped gem. This kiss was not one given out of desperation, instead, it was one given simply out of pure and undeniable admiration, something they both needed for as long as they can remember. Peridot placed a hand on Lapis' waist and pulled her just a little closer. She got on her tiptoes to make up for the height difference and managed to get a few kisses on the blue gem's neck, before placing a final one on her lips. Kissing her like she used to, it brought her a sense of familiarity only Lapis' presence could. They hugged and kissed, whispered sweet nothings into each others ears, made promises to never let each other down, to be the shoulder the other one can cry on.
They promised to each other, that despite what the universe may have in store for them, they would never separate. If Peridot's green was the vast hills of the planet, Lapis' blue was the sky always nestled above. One completed the other. And it looked right.
At last, when they took a moment to look into each others eyes, they understood what home meant.
It was never the barn.