Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Let’s play a drinking game, you guys!”

Osomatsu slams down his glass of beer as Choromatsu stares at him. “What?” he says, rubbing the underside of his nose and grinning. “It’ll be fun!”

The third eldest looks at his brother and shakes his head. “As if we’re not all drunk enough,” he mumbles, glancing around the table at the rest of his siblings. Todomatsu is lazily scrolling through his LINE conversations and occasionally giggling, Karamatsu is holding a mirror close to his face and talking to his reflection, and Jyuushimatsu and Ichimatsu are leaning against each other, fast asleep.

“You’re no fun, Choromatsu,” Osomatsu whines, folding his arms and pouting. He huffs before pounding on the table, trying to get the other four’s attention. “Oi, you guys! If you play this game with me, I’ll buy for the rest of the night!”

That does it. Karamatsu, Ichimatsu, Jyuushimatsu, and Todomatsu all snap to attention, the red in their cheeks seeming even brighter than it did just moment ago. Osomatsu shoots an extremely smug look towards Choromatsu, and the younger man rolls his eyes.

“Bartender! Another round!”

—

“So, what are we playing, Osomatsu-niisan?” Todomatsu asks curiously, glancing up from his phone.

Osomatsu chuckles before lacing his fingers together and eyeing his brothers. “We are playing,” he starts dramatically, cracking his knuckles, “Never Have I Ever!”

“You mean the game where the questions are all things you’ve done in bed?” Choromatsu asks, an unamused look on his face.

“Can you play that if you’ve never done anything?” Ichimatsu questions, turning his eyes dully onto Osomatsu. Jyuushimatsu nods his head fast in agreement.

“Well…” Osomatsu starts. “No. Probably. Maybe?” He furrows his eyebrows, thinking hard.

“What about this, my dear brother,” Karamatsu says, entering the discussion in his usual dramatic flourish. “Instead of asking what we all may or may not have done, let’s say we ask what we would or would not do?” He leans back in his chair, adjusting his sunglasses with a short heh.

“Shut up, Kusomatsu,” Ichimatsu mutters disdainfully before Choromatsu perks up at the idea.

“That actually makes the most sense, since it looks like Osomatsu-niisan will do anything to play this game,” the third brother says, looking at the grinning oldest. “Well, since you’re the one who wants to play the most, you ask the first question.”

“All right!” Osomatsu yells, slamming his glass down again. The few other bar patrons glare at him in annoyance. “And just in case not everyone knows the rules, if you’ve done whatever it is the person says they’ve never done—”

“If you would do what the person says they wouldn't,” Choromatsu corrects.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. If you would do what they wouldn’t, you take a drink. And the dirtiest one of us here gets the most wasted!” Osomatsu cackles as he lifts his glass into the air.

“Wouldn’t that be you, Osomatsu-niisan?” Jyuushimatsu asks, laughing as he bounces in his seat. All five pairs of eyes shoot him a look that says “we’ll see,” and he stops bouncing immediately.

“All right, I’m starting us off with…!” Osomatsu interrupts himself as he realizes that he has no question ready for his brothers. He sits and thinks, tapping on the top of his head for a good couple of minutes while the younger five look on, a mix of annoyance and disgust on their faces. How long does it take someone to think of something they’d never do in bed?

“I’ve got it!” Osomatsu says suddenly, shooting a finger into the air in triumph. “I would never watch my porn with someone else.”

Four brothers open their mouths in protest, but before anyone says anything, Karamatsu takes a sip of his drink. The same four brothers turn to him and give a collected shout of “Ehhh?”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Todomatsu says, waving his hands. “We need explanations from both of you. Osomatsu-niisan, you first.”

“Eh? Why me?” Osomatsu hollers before huffing and pulling himself into a pout. “Fine. My porn is my porn, and I don’t want to share it with anyone! Not even if I had a girlfriend. Hell, my porn is like a bunch of girlfriends already! You wouldn’t share your girlfriends with anyone else, right?”

Jyuushimatsu nods enthusiastically while Choromatsu mumbles, “I should have known.”

“And as for moi,” Karamatsu begins, gesturing towards himself for emphasis, “I think it would be romantic to watch one’s adult videos with one’s partner. Finding yourself aroused at the same actions and sounds that arouse them, feeling yourself inspired by the actors…it is a kind of intimacy that one can only describe as beautiful, non?”

Ichimatsu chokes out a soft tch, and Todomatsu holds his hand against his heart, yelling, “Painful! It’s so painful!”

Making a face at his two elder brothers’ answers, Choromatsu thinks for a moment. “So who asks the next question? The person who drank?”

“Yeah, yeah, sure,” Osomatsu says, waving his hand at Choromatsu. “I don't care, as long as we keep this game rolling.”

Karamatsu stands up, pulling a rose seemingly from nowhere and holding it out in his hand, as if gesturing to some beautiful woman. “So, it is my turn! I would never, ever in my life, reach my peak before my partner.”

The five other brothers sit and try to decode what Karamatsu just said, and finally Todomatsu cracks it. “He means he wouldn't ever come before his girlfriend!” he says, seeming just a little proud at the fact that it was he who made sense of his ridiculous brother's words.

No one drinks, or does anything, really, for a minute or so, which seems to drag on forever, until Choromatsu, completely red in the face, picks up his beer and takes a sip. He places the cup back onto the table, and that’s when his brothers burst into laughter.

“It’s the return of Fappymatsu!” Osomatsu yells, howling as he points and laughs at his brother.

“We should have known it would be you who would drink at that one!” Todomatsu follows, chortling along with the rest of them.

“Fappymatsu! Fappymatsu!” Jyuushimatsu continues, banging his fists on the table.

“That is enough!” Choromatsu roars, standing up so fast that he knocks over his chair. His brothers stop their laughter and stare at the angry third son, not feeling quite afraid, but feeling wary of him. “So I come fast when I’m jacking off, so what! I’m sure whichever girl I end up with, she’ll accept me completely and won’t mind that I come before her!” he growls, baring his teeth at his insensitive brothers. “In fact, she’d probably help me overcome it! And she’d never make fun of me for it, like you asshole brothers.” He picks his chair back up and flops in it, crossing his arms over his chest and straight up pouting.

His brothers all look away from Choromatsu for a moment, almost feeling bad about what had just transpired, but when he says, “Never would I ever wear cat ears in bed, no matter how much you might think I would,” all eyes shoot to Ichimatsu, who pales, looking terrified.

Ichimatsu shoots Choromatsu a dirty look, but the third brother ignores him, instead looking at his fingernails like they’re the most interesting thing in the world. There’s no one else in the group of men who would wear cat ears during sex, and every one of them knows it. And yet, Ichimatsu takes his sweet time, glaring at his beer before taking a sip and wiping his mouth with his sleeve.

“All right, you shitty brothers,” he growls, a sadistic grin appearing on his face. “Never would I ever stick a baseball bat up my ass.”

Upon hearing the word “baseball,” everyone turns to look at Jyuushimatsu, who is suddenly looking nervous. His ever-present grin is still on his face, but he’s sweating bullets after being put on the spot so abruptly. The thought in everyone’s mind is the same: Would he do it? Would Jyuushimatsu, our baby brother Jyuushimatsu, really stick a baseball bat up his ass?

Jyuushimatsu slowly reaches out to his beer with both arms, taking the glass in his hands and taking a deep gulp. His brothers watch in a mixture of shock and expectation, not sure how to take this sudden revelation. Ichimatsu must have known beforehand; that piece of information was just too specific to come up with on the fly. But to take out his being teased on Jyuushimatsu was just low.

Finished with his sip, Jyuushimatsu slowly sets his glass back on the table. “Never would I ever,” he begins slowly, his voice so low it’s almost terror-inducing, “have phone sex.”

The four eldest brothers had been holding their breaths, waiting to see if he would counter with some specific piece of information he had been holding against them. Sighing in relief, they look around the table to see if someone would take a drink, and who that might be.

Of course it’s Todomatsu who would pick up his drink, taking a sip and setting it back down. “And it’s not just because I’m the only one with a cell phone,” he says, sticking his nose high up in the air. “I just think it would be fun, is all.”

With one round down, all six of the brothers could tell that the evening would continue to be a very interesting and nerve-wracking night.

Chapter Text

It’s about a quarter past eleven, and the sextuplets are completely trashed. After telling each other what they would and wouldn’t do for just over an hour and getting into arguments about how gross certain things are, or asking why they weren’t into certain things, one would think that the six of them would be tired out and might call it a night. Of course, one would be wrong.

“What do you mean, you wouldn’t eat a girl’s ass?” Osomatsu bellows after downing another drinks. He squints at Todomatsu, the one who made the statement, who glares back at his oldest brother.

“It’s disgusting, Osomatsu-niisan!” he shoots back, his voice almost whiny in his tipsiness. “I’m not going near a butt, no matter how cute the girl is! And I’m not letting anyone near mine either!”

Both Karamatsu and Ichimatsu, taking this as another “I would never” statement, take sips from their glasses simultaneously. Ichimatsu shoots daggers at Karamatsu, despising even the fact that they drank at the same time, sets his drink down on the table, hard. “Can I take that back? I don’t want to be on the same page as Kusomatsu.”

“But brother!” Karamatsu says, excited. “We’ve never been so close, so bonded, like we are now!”

“...you’re ‘bonding’ over wanting your asses fucked, Karamatsu-niisan,” Choromatsu slurs, and Jyuushimatsu bursts into loud giggles.

Karamatsu grumbles, then perks up as another kink comes to mind. “Here’s one for you all! I would absolutely never have my beloved touch me inappropriately while in a public restroom!”

Everyone else, besides Todomatsu, drinks with no hesitation, lifting their glasses all at the same time while a horrified Karamatsu watches. “You...you’re fiends!”

“But Karamatsu-niisan,” Jyuushimatsu says, letting giggles and hiccups escape his mouth. “What if your girlfriend really wants to jack you off in the bathroom? You’ve gotta do it!”

Karamatsu’s face deepens in its blush, and he looks down, clearly embarrassed. “I-I suppose…”

“That’s so gross, Jyuushimatsu-niisan!” Todomatsu pipes up, glaring at his brother. “Who knows when the last time that bathroom was cleaned? It’s unsanitary!”

“Hey, hey, hey!” Osomatsu interrupts, taking a sip of beer without even being prompted. “Let’s move on to something else now, I’m getting bored!”

“I,” Choromatsu starts, not even missing a beat, “would never fool around with someone in our bedroom.” He sits back and crosses his arms, his frown a hard, thin line on his face. “That’s just inconsiderate and rude, not to mention disgusting.”

Osomatsu downs his beer, along with Jyuushimatsu, earning a strangled “h-hey!” from Choromatsu. Todomatsu turns to Ichimatsu, covering his mouth only slightly, and whispers, “Do you think he’d fool around with that girl in our room?”

Suddenly the atmosphere at the table turns strained and quiet. Todomatsu freezes after realizing what he said, turning to Jyuushimatsu and saying, “I-I’m sorry, Jyuushimatsu, I-I didn’t mean --”

“I would never,” Jyuushimatsu says softly, not even dignifying Todomatsu with a response, “I would never make a sex tape. Not ever.”

No one moves for what seems like forever, until Osomatsu slowly raises his glass to his lips. Ichimatsu breaks the silence, snorting and muttering, “Seriously?” And that seems to bring the six men’s spirits back to what they were before.

“Of course I would!” Osomatsu says proudly, puffing out his chest. “You can’t tell me that no one wants to see my amazing abilities in bed! And every one I know, I’ve learned from porn; it would be like coming full circle!”

“No one wants to see your dick, Osomatsu-niisan,” Todomatsu says, sounding tired beyond his years. “That’s why you’re single.”

Osomatsu feigns shock, placing his hand on his chest and gasping. “You wound me, brother!” he says, and everyone but Karamatsu laughs.

“I’ve got one,” Ichimatsu offers, shooting a half-grin, half-smirk at Todomatsu. “If I had a phone, I would never take nudes.”

Todomatsu drinks, along with Karamatsu and Osomatsu, and he slams his glass back onto the table. “Just because I have a phone doesn’t mean I would take nudes!” he whines, pouting and crossing his arms.

“But you just drank, so you obviously would,” Choromatsu points out, trying to contain his giggles.

The other four brothers burst into laughter, some of them even pounding the table with their fists. Todomatsu’s pout becomes more pronounced until he yells, “Wait, wait, here’s another one! Never would I ever forget a girl’s name while having sex with her!”

The only person who takes a drink is Osomatsu, tipping his head back and chugging his beer. “That’s too easy,” he offers as an excuse, laughing heartily, as if the act of forgetting someone’s name during sex was something most people aren’t bothered by.

“Hey, wait a second,” Choromatsu pipes up, looking closely at Osomatsu. “Don’t you guys think that Osomatsu-niisan is drinking at an awful lot of these?”

“Well, he did say that he was gonna end up being the drunkest by the end of the night,” Todomatsu says with a shrug.

“How about this…” Choromatsu starts, staring intensely at his oldest brother. “I would never have sex with a prostitute.”

Osomatsu takes another sip, staring back at Choromatsu with just as much intensity. “Too easy,” he says again, grinning at his younger brother. He doesn’t seem to realize that no one else drank to that.

“What about,” Ichimatsu says slowly, eyeing Osomatsu carefully, “I would never fuck a girl while she's on her period.”

The stare that Osomatsu gives back to Ichimatsu is even more intense and focused than the one he just gave Choromatsu just moments ago. He picks up his cup and drinks slowly, not breaking eye contact with Ichimatsu all the while.

“No, Osomatsu-niisan, that's so gross!” Todomatsu cries, covering his face in disgust. “That's so unsanitary and...ew!”

Osomatsu lets out a proud laugh as his brothers make various faces, ranging from mild discomfort to outright looking like they're about to throw up. His laughter calms down and he wipes away a tear.

“I will say, I wouldn't ever shave my balls before fucking a girl, though, that's one thing I wouldn't do,” he says, leaning back in his chair in a casual manner.

At this, both Todomatsu and Karamatsu take sips from their respective glasses, Todomatsu avoiding the stares from his brothers as Karamatsu drinks his beer proudly.

“I wouldn't want my lover to be discomforted by any bodily hair I may have!” he boasts, making a “cool guy” pose with his fingers and placing them under his chin.

“That's what the kids these days are calling ‘manscaping,’” Choromatsu says to Osomatsu as the two of them chortle with each other. Karamatsu seems not to hear that he's being made fun of once again tonight.

“And," Osomatsu continues, rubbing his finger underneath his nose. “I wouldn't let any girl use vibrators or dildos on me or anything.”

Again, Karamatsu takes a sip, but along with him is Jyuushimatsu, his cheeks turning a bright pink as he does. His brothers already know that Jyuushimatsu isn't as innocent as he may at first seem, but the image of a dildo up his ass still seems too foreign, even after hearing what he would do with a baseball bat. At least he has the decency to seem embarrassed about it.

“I wouldn't ever fuck outside!” Todomatsu shrieks suddenly, as if he had been holding it in. No one is surprised at this point when Osomatsu raises his drink to his lips, but when Ichimatsu drinks, Todomatsu bursts into cackles. “He's like a feral cat!”

The night continues like this for at least another half hour before the six men are finally thrown out of the bar, but they continue their game on the way home, stumbling over their feet and each other until they finally reach their destination, and promptly get told off by their parents for being too loud and disturbing their neighbors.