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Chuuya was walking home in the dark, caught up in his thoughts.
He was hungry, but didn’t want to cook. But there was chicken in his fridge he needed to cook. Then again, it would probably be fine for another day, right?
“Mrow.”
The noise brought him out of his thoughts as he looked around for the source. He happened to be in front of a dark alleyway with a single cardboard box in it.
He approached carefully, nudging the box with his foot.
“Meow!” said the annoyed cat, springing out like a jack-in-the-box.
It was a cat with long, thick chocolate brown fur and dark amber eyes. When it jumped out, he saw it was a little larger than most cats, but not the biggest breed. What was it called again, a Mane-kun?
The cat meowed and threw itself against his legs. With how friendly and well-groomed it seemed despite not having a collar, he had a feeling it was freshly abandoned.
He stared.
The cat stared back.
He sighed and scooped it up.
“I would prefer if you were a dog, but I won’t abandon you to starve. Come on, you can come with me.”
The cat happily ate the piece of raw chicken he threw into a bowl for it while he looked up how to care for it. Just for a few weeks at most he told himself.
Cats were more independent than dogs he’d been told, but he wasn’t sure if he was up to caring for a pet. Plus, cleaning a litter box sounded terrible. Speaking of, he didn’t have any, so he shredded up some newspapers and put them in a box for the cat to use until he could go to the store.
Then he needed to come up with a name. Was it a boy cat or a girl cat?
The cat’s tail lifted. A male then.
He didn’t want to name it something stupid like Fluffy or Brownie. It should be something more sophisticated. As he was pondering, the cat elegantly made it’s way up to the very top of his bookshelf and threw itself down, not even attempting to land properly and taking his beloved fake plant with him.
“Bastard. Your name is Bastard,” he sighed, picking the cat up away from the porcelain he kept the plant in.
Chuuya was an executive, which meant he could just take days off as long as there wasn’t a deadline or the boss himself was asking for him. He planned to do just that to set things up for the cat and maybe sleep in.
He woke up at the crack of dawn to a cat planting his paws right on his bladder.
“Bastard. I guess it is time for breakfast.”
He threw another piece of raw chicken in a bowl and went to get ready for the day. As he was brushing his teeth, he heard scratching at the bathroom door followed by loud meowing. He watched in amusement as a paw scrabbled under the door, trying to reach him.
Chuuya opened the door and let the poor cat in.
“All I have left to do now is shower and being a cat and all, you probably won’t enjoy that anyway,” he laughed.
To his surprise, the cat didn’t seem to complain at all about the steam filling the room and sat on the edge of the tub, behind the transparent shower curtain.
Maybe it liked watching the water droplets fall.
When he got home three hours later from shopping, he paused at the absolute mess in front of him.
His curtains and couch had been shredded, everything that wasn’t already on the floor had been knocked down, and in the middle of it all, the cat was licking it’s balls.
“Bastard.”
He took a deep breath. Then another. And then he cleaned up Bastard’s mess.
It was just a cat. Just a cat he was definitely getting rid of the moment he found a home for it.
While mopping up a shattered wine bottle, he noticed one of the living room windows was slightly ajar. He must have forgotten to close it earlier because of the cat. But when he went to close the window, it moved weakly beneath his hand and he saw one of the hinges had fallen, leaving it to hang awkwardly.
It had been rather windy earlier, was that what caused it?
“Ugh great, now I gotta call someone to fix this.”
He swore he turned around for not even five seconds to grab his phone. When he turned back, the cat was leaning halfway out the window.
The window of his penthouse on the 40th floor.
He was sure his heart leaped out of his chest and splattered on the pavement below as he lunged and grabbed the cat, which meowed indignantly.
“What the fuck were you thinking? If you jump from that high, you’ll die!” he scolded.
The cat slid out of his grip, it’s fuzzy tail smacking him in the face as it harrumphed. It walked away, which caused him to breathe a sigh of relief.
Just in case, he stood in front of the window as he called.
“Wait, how long? I can’t wait until tomorrow! C’mon, I can pay you extra. Ugh, fine, I’ll take the earliest time you got then. Eight is fine.”
He looked at the cat, which had gone to the other end of the living room and was clearly staring past him out the open window. He had read that cats liked to be in high places, but jumping from that high was just ridiculous.
“You’re not going to jump from here. Use the bookshelf or the cat trees I so graciously bought, but not the window. Got that?”
The cat hissed and jumped onto the coffee table, batting a coaster onto the ground.
Fine. If the cat wanted to fight, they could fight. But Chuuya would win.
He put up a screen meant to keep bugs out, making sure to duct tape the edges. This would keep the cat and the bugs out while he figured out how to put together the three cat trees he bought. Why bother deciding when you had the money to buy them all?
Bastard lounged around, watching him struggle to fit a piece together while yawning smugly. Cats could absolutely look smug.
After five minutes of trying to fit two pieces together that should snap perfectly according to the instructions, he snapped.
“You know, even if a dog would just stand over my shoulder staring, at least it would try to help. This is why dogs are better than cats,” he said.
Perhaps understanding his frustrated tone, the cat got up and walked away, tail whipping in annoyance. He rolled his eyes and continued struggling with the piece for a few more minutes. After he heard the satisfying snap, he then became aware of another noise he must have been tuning out in concentration.
A weird ripping sound. Like wires snapping…
He turned around in horror to see Bastard had used his claws to rip the wire of the screen and was struggling to fit his face through the hole he created.
Chuuya sprung up, jumped over the couch, and smacked the cat back to the ground.
“Again? I’m almost done with your tower,” he scolded, grabbing the grumbling cat.
He held Bastard to his chest while he called reinforcements.
The Akutagawa siblings and Higuchi showed up in record time.
“Where is the prisoner?” Akutagawa demanded.
“What?”
“You texted saying you needed help restraining a ‘bastard’” Higuchi quoted, showing him the text.
“No, I meant the cat I got yesterday. I named him Bastard, because he is one.”
He pointed to the cat napping in a beam of sunlight. It was on it’s back, brown fur soaking up the sun.
Akutagawa went to pet it, the cat’s wide eyes inviting him to pet the soft stomach fur. He was blessed with the softness for barely a moment before the trap closed in. Sharp teeth and claws sunk into the soft skin of his hand, causing red to well up.
He quickly withdrew his hand, staring blankly at the red dripping down his hand.
Higuchi gasped and began flailing around for a first-aid kit.
“I don’t need—”
“Bandage that up before you drip blood on my carpet,” Chuuya ordered. “The first aid kit is in that cabinet over there.”
Bastard was licking his paws in satisfaction.
Akutagawa was reluctantly allowing Higuchi to wrap up his hand after an executive order, but the poor girl was so nervous she dropped the roll of bandages. Not that it mattered because he had an entire cabinet full.
The cat perked up at the sight of the rolling bandages and ran after them as if it were a yarn ball. Gin and Chuuya chased it around as it gleefully batted and rolled in the bandages.
Gin threw a knife, severing the bandages from the roll. Bastard got up, meowing in disappointment while covered in bandages.
“I agree with the naming choice,” Akutagawa said, his hand now tightly wrapped.
“Yeah, I figured. Anyway, I need you guys to help me finish building these cat towers. Akutagawa, you block the window.”
Akutagawa had helped him assemble an IKEA chair once. Only once. He had to pay for a replacement after he got too frustrated during the assembly.
The man in question grumbled but didn’t argue as he picked up a roll of duct tape to use. He finished his job before the others and was then put on cat chasing duty because Bastard liked to cause trouble.
Bastard had to be constantly chased away from knocking over whatever he could find. He climbed on the curtains and even tried to eat some fruit on the counter that was most likely toxic to cats.
Eventually, he got tired of the chasing and went to hide under the couch. Or so Akutagawa thought. He then answered a phone call, and that combined with the natural stealth of a feline left him oblivious to the cat’s actions.
Bastard somehow put the stopper in the kitchen sink and completely filled it up, submerging himself in the cool water. However, he was too tall for the water to cover him completely, and his head stayed easily above the water.
“What is it Jinko? No, I haven’t seen him. How long has it been? Well, have you checked the river, or anywhere full of women? As if he could ever be in trouble. Don’t bother an executive with this! I’m already with him and Dazai-san definitely isn’t here. I’m simply helping with a mission that is none of your—”
He paused as he finally turned and caught sight of the cat repeatedly diving into the water.
“I’ll call you back.”
Rashoumon wrapped around the cat and pulled the stopper, allowing the water to drain. It meowed, loud and sad as it writhed in the ability’s grip.
Akutagawa stared impassively. “No. Since you cannot behave, you will stay here.”
The cat hissed.
“Chuuya-san, where are your towels?”
Chuuya brought a towel and burst out laughing at the sight of the cat. It’s impressive floof had stuck it’s skin, leaving nothing but a skinny cat covered in wet bandages.
“Give him to me. We should get those bandages off too.”
Despite his annoyance, Chuuya gently took the cat and unwrapped the bandages despite it’s protests.
“Covered in bandages and soaked from a swim. You know, you really remind me of someone,” he sighed as he towel-dried the cat.
“Strangely enough, the weretiger called me just now to tell me no one has seen Dazai-san since yesterday. He was last seen trying to capture some ability user the agency was chasing.”
“He’s fine. Probably out fucking around or implementing a complicated 45-step plan he told no one else about,” Chuuya muttered bitterly.
Akutagawa didn’t say anything, only stared emotionlessly, yet that was enough to get him to break.
“Okay fine, we got in a fight! He ate my cheese so I told him to fuck off and die and we haven’t spoken since. I’m not worried or anything since he has the survivability of a cockroach, but I guess I might maybe feel a little bad about what I said.”
“All that for cheese?”
“It was good cheese! And I was going to have some wine with it too, not that it matters since Bastard broke the bottle I was going to pair it with.”
“Did you call him?”
“…It went to voicemail.”
Higuchi and Gin came out from the living room. “Sir, we finished building the towers.”
Chuuya went out to admire their work, still swaddling Bastard in the towel. “Nice work, though you don’t need to be so formal for this. It’s a cat tree not an enemy base.”
“You’re still our boss. Anyway, let’s see how the kitty likes it,” Higuchi said cheerfully, grabbing the cat out of his arms and carrying him to one of the towers.
He stayed limp and purring the whole time, even rubbing his face on her hand as she put him down and accepting the pets she gave him.
Akutagawa scowled in the corner, nursing his injured hand. Gin patted his arm.
“Chuuya-san, since we’re here and all, do you mind if we stay for dinner?”
“Of course not. Let’s eat something good to celebrate our hard work today.”
The next hour was spent talking and preparing food while Bastard napped on the tallest section of his cat tree, drying his fur out in the last bits of sunlight.
Though of course the moment food was being brought out the cat jumped off the tree and like last time, did not even attempt to catch itself. It meowed, then got up with seemingly no issue.
“Maybe you should get him checked for a health issue. Cats can usually jump from a height like that with no problem,” Higuchi, their resident cat expert, warned him.
“I’ll do that tomorrow after I get the window fixed. Come on Bastard, time to eat,” he said, putting his bowl down.
The cat sniffed the (expensive) cat food and pushed the bowl away, meowing.
“That was the best food they had! What else could you possibly want?”
In answer, the cat jumped up to the table and snatched a piece of meat off Akutagawa’s plate.
“I only gave you the chicken because I had nothing else. There is perfectly good cat food in that bowl, so you will eat it!”
The cat had eaten the meat in record time and meowed pitifully at him, begging with wide amber eyes.
“No.”
“Meow.”
“No!”
“Meeooooow.”
“I-I said no already.”
“Mew.”
Chuuya stomped to the fridge, ignoring the muffled laughter behind him. All he had in there was a mackerel he was planning to eat. For no particular reason.
He emptied the untouched cat food into the bag and put some of the cut up fish in the bowl.
“Fine, have this. But you are not allowed to complain if it’s still a little frozen!”
The cat ate with gusto, allowing the rest of them to have a peaceful dinner.
The others helped clean up and had to restrain Bastard from jumping in the sink while washing dishes, but other than that things went smoothly.
When the guests were all gone, Chuuya stretched in a way like his new cat and then went to get ready for bed.
“I think I’ll take a bath because someone,” he looked at Bastard, who had again begged to be let in the bathroom, “made me very stressed today.”
He barely got settled in when the cat jumped on the edge of the tub. He smiled and reached up to pet him, when he stepped one paw squarely on his chest. Then the other and now Chuuya lay there with a cat on his chest.
“Wow you really do love water. Kinda weird for a cat,” he said, rubbing it’s ears.
He wondered if it was sanitary to bathe with a cat, but it was laying on his chest which was mostly dry and sticking out of the water. (Why weren’t bathtubs were big enough to completely submerge adult bodies in?) Besides, he could get up and quickly rinse with a shower so it was probably fine.
“Honestly, you kinda remind me of my boyfriend. He’s a cat person so he’d love to meet you, when he comes back from fucking around.”
The cat blinked.
“I don’t really think I did anything though. I mean, maybe I was a little harsh about the cheese but it was my cheese and he’s told me he doesn’t even like it, so why did he eat it?! I swear he’s more gluttonous than you Bastard.”
The cat began to purr as he continued petting.
“Yeah, you’re way better than him because you can’t talk. You’re probably wondering if I’m concerned, but no. If I can’t kill him and he can’t kill himself, then there’s no way some random ability user will be able to do it. I just wish he’d answer his damn phone.”
After a few more minutes of “conversation” with the cat, he got up and drained the tub. Bastard meowed in disappointment but politely hopped off and waited by the bathroom door.
They went to his room where Bastard curled up on his chest again and they fell asleep peacefully.
Until Chuuya was woken up before sunrise.
Chuuya did have to get up early, but did have to be woken up two minutes before his alarm? Already up, he got ready for the day, ensuring he and his penthouse looked presentable for company.
Bastard twined around his ankles, causing him to trip several times. The only reason he didn’t have a broken nose was because he caught himself with gravity before his face smashed into the ground.
He gave him the rest of the cut up fish to eat for breakfast while he took the duct tape off the window. It was an annoying job but he didn’t want to waste time by having the repairman do it.
Once he finished, he stood guard in front of the window, keeping an eye on the cat still gleefully chowing down his breakfast. When Bastard finished eating, he went to the very top of his cat tower and curled up for a nap.
Chuuya snapped a photo, intending to send it to his boyfriend when his phone rang.
“Yes? Traffic, what traffic? Fine, but don’t expect a bonus. How long is the delay? An hour?! Fine, whatever, as long as you get here today and fix my window!”
He hung up and turned to inspect said broken window once more. Just in time to notice the brown tail before it disappeared out the window.
He spared a moment to glance at the now empty spot on the cat tower and then looked out the window, to the brown cat now free falling from the 40th floor.
He jumped, using his ability to speed him up and catch the falling cat in his arms. The cat meowed but nuzzled into him while he floated there, relieved. Then he gently began floating the rest of the way down, having caught the cat around the 18th floor.
“Bastard! That was terrifying. You could have died! I know I said I’m a dog person, but I don’t want to scrape you off the ground,” he scolded, his tone not at all matching how he gently hugged the cat to his chest.
He rubbed Bastard’s chin and held him close, giving him a kiss on the forehead. When his lips left the cat’s warm skin, there was a golden glow and in just a few seconds a pair of human arms were hugging him back.
He looked up to see his boyfriend’s warm brown eyes staring down at him. Then he looked further and realized said boyfriend was naked. Well, he was completely covered in bandages so the censors had no issues, but still technically naked.
“My prince, you’ve freed me from the witch’s evil spell,” Dazai said, fluttering his eyelids and speaking in a high-pitched voice.
Chuuya’s brain finally got back online and he punched away. “What the fuck?! How were you a cat, abilities don’t even work on you!”
“Certain conditions were met, it’s a long story. Anyway, my prince should carry me back to our room before anyone else sees me nude.”
He scowled but held out his arms for Dazai to jump into a princess carry. Then he threw him over his back like a sack of potatoes.
“Hey! This isn’t how the prince carries the princess at all.”
“I’m not a prince and you’re not a princess. And you made me worry about you while I was literally feeding and bathing with you!!”
“I don’t see how that’s different from our normal lives.”
“Shut the fuck up.”
“But Chuuya~ I was just about to say I accept your apology for being so harsh about the cheese.”
“My cheese, that you ate.”
“It was about to go bad anyway. Worse I should say. I don’t get your love for moldy cheese.”
The elevator dinged and they were back on the top floor, having spent the entire ride arguing about cheese.
“Ugh, and thanks to you now I have all this cat stuff and no cat. Now what?” he asked, dropping Dazai on the floor.
“Well, it seems we have no choice but to finally go to the shelter and adopt a cat.”
“You know what, fine. But we have to adopt a dog too.”
Chuuya would never admit that he had grown fond of Bastard and wouldn’t mind a new cat to fill the void, but that didn’t mean he was giving up on his dream of getting a dog.
“Ugh, fine. I have heard a dog needs the company of it’s fellow dogs,” Dazai added.
“I’m going to toss you out the fucking window.”
“I suppose that’s a fitting punishment considering I’m the one who broke it in the first place.”
He smirked and ran to the bedroom while Chuuya prepared to chase him. Of course, it was at that moment the repairman knocked on the door, keeping him from killing Dazai that day.