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The last thing Danny heard in his half-dazed state was the whine of a chrome-white taser and the words - "You're coming with us for lots and lots of painful experiments."
He woke up on a table still in ghost form. Ouch, ow ow, okay, that audible crack was definitely his spine, who the heck left him on a metal table? Danny bonelessly slid off the side, taking a few seconds longer to generously allow the room to stop spinning before wobbling a step.
“Hello?” He poked his head into a long, dim hallway, voice echoing sharply. “What um, what happened to the lots and lots of painful experiments?”
Silence.
Slightly put-off by the lack of atmosphere, he stretched his sore limbs and half-floated half-walked down the abandoned corridor. Each consecutive door had a nameplate affixed - the leftmost read OFFICE OF AGENT A, DIRECTOR, the one after OFFICE OF OPERATIVE B, ASSISTANT DIRECTOR, and so on down the alphabetical hierarchy. All of them were shuttered and closed. Weird.
Eventually, he hit a T-intersection in the form of a waiting area of some sort, attached to a double glass door entrance. Danny wondered for a hot moment if he had fallen into a parallel dimension again, pivoting a quick three-sixty, “Hello?”
A guy uncannily resembling the Casper High janitor popped out from behind the reception desk. “Hey kid, keep it down.”
Shit! Danny did not jump three feet at the sudden noise. “Oh uh, hi. Where is everyone? I thought, well, there some Guys in White, you see-”
“Ha,” the most-likely-not-a-ghost-custodian snorted, slamming his mop wetly against the linoleum, “Well today’s your lucky day. They got defunded.”
“Defunded, like, they’re gone?”
“Yep, immediate closure and everything.”
“But… why?”
“You think the Federal Government has enough budget for ghosts? Now scram, kid. I ain’t paid for your questions.”
Taking one last look at the at the window that read DEPARTMENT OF GHOST INVESTIGATIONS, and the messier sign scrawled PERMANENTLY CLOSED AS EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, Danny shrugged, “Okay, okay, geez, scramming.”
“Alright,” Danny floated down to the Bates Corner Mart, “Care to explain what is going on here with you and the uh, defunding?”
"Oh, it's you,” Agent K continued to glumly ponder his ninety-eight cent hot dog. “Go on, have a good laugh.”
Slowly, he lowered himself to their eye level, “Laugh about what?”
“They kicked us out in half a day,” Agent O trauma-dumped, “Half. You would think as government workers we’d have some respect.”
Danny nodded slowly. Agree to disagree.
“And,” Probably K continued, “We haven’t been paid for months. Months.”
“That’s a whole half a year of salary, kid. Imagine living off hot dogs for months.”
“And dog food,” O chimed in.
“And hot-dog themed dog food in the Walmart Aisle Six section Three-” K's expression turned thoughtful, “Hey kid, do ghosts have jobs?”
Defining what 'job' meant was complicated. Was self-promotion, exposure, and property damage considered a form of payment? “… Sort of?”
“Are they… hiring?”
“I doubt it.”
They both looked more glum, which made Danny feel more out-of-place. He debated leaving them at it, but Amityville wasn’t exactly a large town, and Danny was partially responsible for all citizens in the superhero good Samaritan sort of way. Curse his Fenton bleeding heart syndrome. “How about this? I’ll ask around, and see what I can do. Not that ghosts you know, have paid jobs, but I just happen to be a ghost who knows someone who may be hiring.”
Vlad did owe him that favour after all.
“I, mayor Vlad Masters, would like to announce we are hiring for the new MAYOR MASTERS GHOSTWATCH COMMITTEE, headed by none other than our resident heroic ghost - Danny Phantom. Once again, send all resumes to Danny Phantom, a PO box has been set up right in front of the Fenton residences for your convenience and everyone, everyone, is welcome to-”
With a single click of the remote, Sam turned off the TV and stared pointedly at Danny.
He resisted the urge to phase through the floor. “Okay, in my defense, I told Vlad he owed me, and he said ‘we can work something out’, and by we I thought it meant him.”
Tucker dropped a massive stack of papers next to two matching stacks on Danny’s bed. “Dude, seriously? You trusted Vlad to help you - wait - does that mean I get paid too?”
“Tucker, I didn’t ask for this, I thought Vlad was just going to, I dunno, give them a severance package or something.”
“He can't give them one if he didn’t hire them, Danny,” Sam placed another stack of papers on the overcrowded bed, “Congrats. You’re now a teenage ghost vigilante and a manager.”
“Vlad can’t make me manage something I didn’t agree to,” Danny defended hotly, “...Can he?”
Shrugging, Tucker reached over to the top of the first pile. “Oh hey look, Dash submitted one! ‘Hello I am Dash and I am the coolest football player and I once worked with Danny Phantom and he’s super cool and I would hit a ghost with my football’.”
Danny could feel both Tucker and Sam’s eyes on him, the blush spreading to the tips of his ears. “Okay so, clearly I didn’t think this through and I should have asked you guys for-”
Sam plucked out a resume “'I, Valerie Gray, I have a high level of ghost hunting expertise and am very interested in learning first hand from the Danny Phantom himself’. That’s italics on the ‘very interested’ and ‘the’, by the way.”
Before Tucker could grab another form, Danny slammed a hand on the pile. “How about this, let me figure out what to do with the former Guys in White first, and then, and then, I’ll deal with… whatever this is.”
“And pay me,” Tucker stood even as Danny went ghost and prepared himself for a short flight. “And pay me right?”
DAY 1
“What the-” Danny-as-Phantom ducked the first ecto-gun blast, watching the second blast dissolve the DEPARTMENT OF GHOST INVESTIGATIONS - FORECLOSURE sign. “Why are you shooting at max settings! Do you want to evaporate a ghost?"
Former agents K and O slowly lowered their weapons. "Isn't that what these guns are for?" O chanced.
"No - for the love of - I’m a ghost too, do you want to evaporate me?"
O and K shared a look.
He sighed. "I pay your bills now."
"No," they immediately repeated off-sync, " I mean no, sir."
"Danny, it's Danny."
"Like the Fenton kid?"
".... Danny Phantom, not Fenton. Wait. What do O and K stand for?"
"I'm Operative O," said Operative O, "Short for Kevin. He pointed to K, and he's Operative K, short for Oscar."
"You're Kevin but you're O?"
"...To be fair this all started when Bob took the code name Agent A."
"Why would Bob-" Danny shook his head, then resolutely let his feet touch the ground again, holding out his hand. "Okay, Kevin, Oscar, nice meeting you. I'm Danny."
Kevin didn’t budge. "We know that."
"Listen. I'm just trying to give us a new start, clean slate and all." A pause. "And I still pay your bills."
"Right”, Clearing his throat, Kevin shook his Danny's once, twice. "Right. Pleasure working with you."
"A pleasure working with you." Wow, hanging out too much with Vlad was rubbing off on him.
DAY 2
"Why didn't you shoot the ghost clearly mauling me?" Danny capped his thermos a little too aggressively.
Kevin shrugged. "You told us not to set our guns to deadly force."
Honestly, Danny didn’t know if he should be upset about their inaction or impressed they both listened and followed what he said. He supposed he only had himself and his guts dripping ectoplasm to blame. "Okay, new rule. If you see someone attacking me and I say, I dunno, 'Help it's attacking me', by all means shoot them with your guns set to stun."
"Those exact words and that exact setting?"
"If you see me hurty," he simplified, "You shootie."
"Understood."
Kevin raised his hand.
Danny suddenly felt a lot like Mr. Lancer. "What is it?"
"What if it's a person?"
"Why would a person attack me-" No, that was a fair question. "Well I dunno, maybe ask them not to?"
"Aggressively?"
"... Use your best people judgement."
Oscar raised his hand too, “What if we get attacked?"
Somehow, telling them ‘then dodge better’ probably wasn’t going to go over very well. "How about this. If you see any ghosts, and I’m not around, and the stun settings don’t work, try to get to safety, then call me."
"As in... you'll come save us?"
"You know what, sure."
Kevin looked oddly mollified. "You'd do that for us?"
"Of course?" Not that the ghost regulars ever listened to Danny, but some had a working relationship. It was fifty-fifty on a good day. “We’re a team now,” technically, “And if they mess with you they mess with me.”
DAY 3:
Danny floated curiously around the apartment, but had better manners than to just open people's cabinets. "So you two live together?"
"Technically, the term is cohabitation," Kevin corrected." But yes we're together."
"Platonically,” Oscar added.
"But together."
"Dude, live your best life," Danny drifted towards the Samsung Smart TV, "Cool, you have a PS5?"
Oscar stiffened, "Yes, but please don’t touch it."
Danny was indeed in the middle of touching it. "Why? Is it broken? I bet Tuck could help you-"
"Kevin's downloading a patch update but it's taking a while."
The screen lit up with 8 hours 6 minutes 13 days the moment his gloves accidentally brushed the surface of the controller. "Uhhhhh."
Kevin grumpily crossed his arms. "I told you to wait until I finished downloading my movie."
"And I told you to check Page 6 Section 3c on the manual to set up the router properly."
"And I told you-"
Danny surreptitiously dialed Tucker.
DAY 4:
Danny straightened. "Oh shit, it's Kevin and Oscar."
"Who?" Tucker didn’t bother pausing his sixteen win streak.
"Kevin and Oscar, you know the former Guys in White on my payroll?" Danny waved, beckoning their distant forms to the school picnic table.
"Danny uh," Sam and Tucker suddenly ducked their heads as if embarrassed.
"Dude no it's fine, they're chill." Danny waved a little more emphatically and followed with an exaggerated patting the bench next to him.
Reluctantly, Kevin and Oscar trudged over. Kevin had his sunglasses on today, eyebrows knit, arms crossed. Weirdly aggressive body language, but okay. "What do you want, kid?"
Kid? "Uh, Danny? Did you forget my name?"
"You're the Fenton kid right?" Oscar butt in.
Danny looked down at his NASA t-shirt attached to his human arms. About three long seconds passed where he swore his blush reached the tips of his bangs. "Ah."
"Ah is right," Oscar continued, "And we are working professionals currently patrolling the premises for your kids’ safety. You can't just call us over." A pause. "Unless it's a working professional matter."
"Oh uh, no," Great, both his emotional support friends had magically disappeared. Traitors. "I mistook you for... someone else. Sorry ‘bout that."
The two seemed to deeply consider it before shrugging. Kevin turned around first, but Oscar paused. "A word, Fenton kid."
It's still Danny. Thankfully, he had the wherewithal to hold that thought. "S-sure. What’s up?”
Kevin took off his glasses, folded them, and finally sat down across the table, somewhere between Sam and Tucker’s new vacancy. "Listen. I'm sure you and your parents are good folk."
"Okay...."
"And as an adult, I want to give you some advice. You're young, impressionable, and want to listen to everything your parents tell you."
Highly unlikely, thought Danny but he nodded along.
"But the thing is, not all ghosts are bad. We've seen how you Fentons can get shooting blindly and the likes. So, just so we’re both clear, and you can tell your folks this too,” Kevin straightened and squared his impressively cubed shoulders, making direct eye contact, “You mess with the wrong ghosts, and you'll mess with us."
DAY 5:
Well, Skulker was definitely back on the shitlist again. Danny wheezed, stumbling into the alley, collapsing on his hands and knees as white rings forced him back from ghost to human.
A sharp clang-clang-clang of two colliding trash cans made his heart rate skyrocket. Danny sat up immediately, ready to flee-
- And locked eyes with both Oscar and Kevin. Both had their guns lowered, statue-still.
“Uh.” Uh, shit. He froze, exposed, “You- you didn’t see that right?”
Five excruciating seconds later, Kevin for some reason looked up, behind, and back at Danny. “Kid, we didn’t see nothing at all.”
“What?” Oscar startled as Kevin nudged him, “Oh yeah, nothing at all, Danny.”
Well, there went that hope. “Um-”
-”Danny, like the Fenton kid,” Kevin interrupted, “Which you are. And nothing else.”
“Because that would be impossible, but also make a lot of sense, such as how you always have the Fenton equipment and ghost gear and hang around the Fenton house,” Oscar coughed as Kevin nudged him again, “Which we never considered an odd coincidence.”
“Huh.” Danny gave up the pretense, just letting Kevin pull him back on his feet, “I wouldn’t have expected you to catch all of that.”
Kevin snorted. "We may be out of a government job, but we did get a government job."
"Doesn't seem too difficult these days," Danny muttered to himself.
"What?"
"What?"
DAY 6:
“Can we talk about thi-” Danny barely dodged the first bazooka blast fired directly at his face, then yelped as the second hit him flat in the chest. He crumpled right in front his own house, which unfortunately was also his parents’ house and-
The whine of the Fenton Bazooka stopped any other train of thought. “All right,” his mom said, lowering the weapon right at his head, “Tell us what you’re doing snooping around our PO box, ghost boy.”
Technically, that was his PO box. PO boxes - when were there three of them? Wow, everything really was spinning.
“I won't repeat myself,” said the teal blur, “What are you doing here?”
He was - he was? His tongue felt loose, his jaws looser, dry with the taste of metal and static, but no words came out.
Another blur rapidly approached, clinical white. ”Ma’am you need to step back.”
"You don’t know how dangerous that ghost is!" The teal squiggly that was probably his mom took a step forward.
The white shape didn't budge. "Ma'am, I told you to take a step back, we will handle this."
Danny tried to squeak out a few words, even as steady hands picked him up and carried him surprisingly gently in both arms. His head lolled uncontrollably to one side. He had to help, fix this; those were his parents - this was his responsibility. Weakly, he reached out.
"It's okay," said a familiar voice, and Danny thought for a moment it was his dad here to defend him, "It's okay. We got you."
"Yeah," said an accompanying voice, this one definitely not his mom, "They mess with you, they mess with us."