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Two Time was at the church with their mentor, Amarah, for a lesson, which had nearly concluded. “Good job today, my pupil,” Amarah said. “Thank you, sir.” Two Time replied politely. They always had to be more disciplined and calm with their mentor. Have reverence for a devout elder of the church, he’d always say, if they weren’t respectful enough.
“However, before this session concludes, I must give you an extremely critical instruction,” Amarah said.
“…And what would that be?” Two Time inquired. They were curious as to what this ‘instruction’ would be. Maybe something to honor the Spawn?
“You are one of my most devoted students, so I assume you’ll be able to carry this out.” Amarah took a breath, and they seemed to tread around their next words carefully. “...I believe that if you stab and kill your beloved Azurewrath, with the dagger I bestowed upon you, you both will have sufficiently pleased the Spawn, and will receive your second lives.”
The words don’t register for a moment. Surely Two Time had misheard him. This couldn’t be right. Surely they hadn’t been asked to do the impossible. “Wh… What?”
Amarah sighed. “As I said on the day I first taught you two, you both shall set out on the grand step to rebirth, and this is how.”
Two Time felt sick. They couldn’t kill their lover. One of the only reasons they still woke up each morning. They simply couldn’t.
“W-With all due respect, sir, I-I… can’t just-“
Amarah quickly cut them off mid-sentence. “The Spawn would want this for you, my child. Now go. Meditate on their holy word. Perhaps then you will be able to contemplate this honorable calling fully.”
“Y-Yes sir.” they said quickly, unable to say anything else.
“You wouldn’t want to disregard this divine opportunity, would you?” Amarah said, his voice sickly sweet. “N-No, sir.” they answered.
“Good. You’re dismissed, Two Time.”
~
After they left the church, they walked in a daze toward their cabin. How could they murder their partner in cold blood? It would be for the holy, everlasting, gracious Spawn, yes. But losing Azure. That would be the aftermath.
A world without him would be no world at all.
Someone’s shoulder met theirs, which quickly took them back to reality. “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!” they said frantically. They looked at the person they rammed into, and their eyes were met with a concerned looking Azure. They felt their face burn with guilt.
How could they not notice their own lover walking toward them? Who cared if they were spiraling? It wasn’t an excuse. “I-I didn’t see you- I should have, I’m so sorry- are you okay, my lily?” they mumbled, ashamed of themself.
“It’s nothing, flower,” Azure reassured. “I was just out getting some herbs. Are you okay? You seem stressed… no pressure if you don’t want to talk about it, though.”
So it had been obvious that they weren’t doing okay. Great. Azure deserved so much better than Two Time. He deserved someone who wouldn’t burden them with all their problems. He deserved someone less pathetic.
“I’m fine,” they said. “Just tired… and a bit hungry, now that I think about it.”
“We can have dinner at my place, if you’d like.” Azure offered.
The thought of being with Azure did make them happier, and they could do with forgetting what Amarah told them for a bit.
“That-That’d be great,” they replied.
They both started towards Azure’s cabin, and as soon as they entered, Azure quickly prepared them both a plate. After he quickly grabbed utensils for them both, they took their places at the table. They then began to whisper their usual prayers, and afterwards, began to eat.
After a couple of bites, though, they randomly recalled the lesson. It was sudden and unprompted. The memory came flooding back, and as it did, they started to feel sick again. They didn’t deserve the food that was made by the very same person who they were instructed to slaughter. They quickly -but quietly- put their fork down on the table.
Azure’s head turned toward them. “Are you done? With your plate?” he asked. Surprisingly, there was no note of disdain or disappointment in their voice.
“I’m sorry… I should’ve told you I wasn’t that hungry,” they answered, looking down at the table in shame.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Timey.” Azure gently took their unfinished plate from their side of the table. “It’s not a bother, really.”
What did Azure see in them? Why did he love them, when all they did was just burden him? After all, Amarah wouldn’t have let this slide. Gosh, they were so ungrateful, yet so undeserving of all of the good things Azure had given them.
Despite what they had reminded themself of in their head, they made sure to not show it on their face. “…Thanks.” they said softly. Azure was way more forgiving than they deserved. He had every right to be frustrated with them. “Anytime, love.”
He began to place both of their dishes in the kitchen sink. “Oh, I forgot to ask- how’d your lesson with Amarah go?”
They felt their chest constrict at the question.
“It… went fine,” they said, somehow managing to keep their voice from sounding shaky.
Azure nodded happily. “I’m glad to hear that, love!”
“He did ask me to study the Spawn’s Word, though… I should probably go and do that… but um- we could do it together. If that’s okay with you, of course.”
“That’d be awesome!” Azure replied enthusiastically.
—
After the reading with him (which certainly did help to clear their mind), they entered their cabin, got ready for bed, and settled into their bed and fell asleep. It was almost Lights-Out, after all.
…
Dagger in hand, they were crouched behind Azure. Closer, closer… Holding back tears and sobs, they raised the dagger to stab him-
Two Time jolted awake, their heart pounding in their chest.
“That… That wasn’t real, just relax…” they murmured. But it will be, they thought to themself.
No, no. Do not think about it. In an attempt to shake off the thought, they quickly got up from their bed and grabbed a glass of water from their kitchen to calm themself.
Even afterwards, they knew they weren’t going to fall asleep again anytime soon. They needed sleep, but the adrenaline coursing through them prevented them from doing so. Maybe praying would help?
So Two Time prayed, imploring the Spawn to calm their mind, to help them sleep, and- wait.
Were they… praying for thoughts and dreams that most likely were given from the Spawn -based on how it was in relation to the instruction- to… fade and never come back?
If that was so, then they had sinned gravely! Their prayers of a clear mind became frantic pleadings of forgiveness.
When their prayers had become countless, they walked back to their room and attempted to sleep, only to toss and turn restlessly, reliving their nightmare over and over again.
~
The cycle repeats for 3 nights. They would get up from 4 hours —or was it 2? They couldn’t remember— of restless sleep, too tired to even think about eating, then they would spiral over the thought of stabbing Azure, feeling like their suppressed sobs and screams are about to burst out of their chest, and the constant nightmares. Nightmares that would only get worse and more graphic. And then praying --begging, pleading, really-- to the Spawn to make them stop, then rebuking themself endlessly afterwards.
Only on the 4th night did they decide to do something about the cycle. As they settled into their bed that night, they knew it would just be pointless. They sat up, peeling the sheets off of them. They couldn’t take this anymore. But they couldn’t tell Azure. He’d know that they’d never forgive themself for going through with the instruction. But if they kept this cycle going, Azure would sense something’s wrong… maybe they could ask him if they could sleep at his place. But they had to remember that it was completely valid if they said no. It was an abrupt and unexpected request, and it wasn’t like they deserved comfort anyway.
Groggily, they dragged themself out of bed and went to Azure’s cabin. They nervously knocked on the door, hoping their appearance wasn’t too disconcerting.
They heard shuffling and a faint “Coming!” from inside. The door opened, revealing Azure, with a smile on their face, which began to waver as he observed their condition. Well, there goes not worrying him with how they looked.
“Azure,” Two Time started, “Would it be okay if I slept here tonight..?” they asked anxiously. “Feel free to say no- I know it’s sudden, and I don’t want to burden you.”
“Of course, love! You’re never a burden.” At his response, Two Time inwardly let out a breath that they didn’t even know they were holding, and Azure leaned forward slightly to gently kiss them on the cheek, lightly dusting both of their faces pink.
~
Once they were both in Azure’s room, they both settled into his bed, preparing for the night.
“Thanks for letting me stay here, by the way,” they said as they wrapped a portion of a spare blanket around themself. “Sorry I didn’t say that earlier.”
“Anytime you need, my nightshade,” he replied. They went to go and turn off the couple of warm lamps around the room. “Besides, I enjoy your company.”
The words brought a warm, yet slight stinging sensation of being undeserving in Two Time’s heart.
“I also love your company, Azure. Thank you,” they said. As Azure settled into bed, right next to Two Time, he gave a soft smile. “Of course. By the way, you don’t have to apologize for needing stuff. I love you, okay?”
“I love you too.”
After praying and exchanging good nights, they were both sleeping after a couple of minutes. A couple of hours passed by.
…
Crimson stained their dagger. With horror, they realized that the blood that dripped from their dagger was their own lover’s. Because of nothing but themself. They had done what the Spawn had asked. But at what cost…?
They sat bolt upright in a panic, finding their breathing ragged, their body drenched in sweat, and their hands shaking ever so slightly, but just enough to be noticeable.
”I-It’s just a dream,” they told themself, in an attempt to calm down. “Just a dream…” They caught a glance of Azure, sleeping peacefully beside them. Their pulse slowed just a tiny bit, but then they heard a slight rustling of the bed sheets. Oh, no. They’d been an inconvenience and woken Azure up in the middle of the night. They should apologize.
“Mm…? Flower? Is everything alright?” Azure asked, with a tinge of concern in his voice. “I’m fine, nothing to worry about, sorry-!” they said a tad too quickly. Azure frowned as he sat up to look at them. They seemed more awake now, aware of Two Time’s poorly concealed distress. “Timey, I don’t mean to pry, and it’s completely okay if you’d rather not talk, but you’re… sweating and shaking.”
“I-I…” They didn’t know how to respond. Oh, how they wanted to tell Azure everything. But they didn’t want to burden him with anything. Not their problems, not their worries, not the instruction, nothing. Wasn’t that one of the main reasons they came to their cabin? To not worry him? Yet here they were, doing the exact thing they weren’t supposed to do. Why couldn’t they just hide their problems properly?
“It’s okay… I’m here, either if you want to talk or if you don’t.”
They couldn’t hide their wrecked mental state anymore. Azure would probably just find out soon enough, anyway. The evidence was shaking right beside him.
“A-As childish and pathetic as it is of me, I-I had a horrible nightmare… I’m sorry,” they said, shakily. “My nightshade, you have nothing to apologize for, alright?” Azure said, his voice dripping with gentleness. “It’s okay to have nightmares. You’re not childish or pathetic for that.”
“Thank you… b-but it’s also just that…” The words began to spill before they could overthink them.
“I… haven’t been e-eating enough… only once a day at m-most…” they said quietly.
They felt their eyes begin to sting with tears that threatened to pour down their face, and they quickly bit their lip to keep it from shaking.
“I-I haven’t been sleeping enough, e-either…” Though they were close to breaking what little composure they had left, they couldn’t seem to staunch the flow of confession coming from their mouth. “A-and I just haven’t been doing anything right-!”
A small, tiny hic escaped them. It was almost physically painful to suppress the sobs building in their chest at this point. Without their permission, tears began to quietly stream from their eyes, and they quickly dabbed at their face with their sleeve to try and make all of it stop.
“Hey, hey… It’s okay…” Azure soothed. “Do you… want a hug?” they asked softly. Two Time gave a tiny nod, their eyes glistening with tears. “Mhm…” they said, barely audible. As they practically launched themself into Azure’s open arms, they couldn’t even get out an apology for being overly sensitive, burdensome, and for not even being able to speak before they completely broke. The sobs they’d been bottling up poured out all at once, like a dam breaking. “Shh… shh… it’ll be alright. I’m right here for you, love,” Azure whispered gently. No it won’t, Two Time thought to themself. Not when you’re gone. At the horrible thought, their sobs became uncontrollable. At this, Azure held them closer, while brushing away his own silent tears before Two Time could notice.
It hurt him to see his partner like this, but he couldn’t cry in front of them. Or be weak, or inconsiderate, or insensitive. Not when they needed him. They had to be there for them. Even though he knew that Two Time would be there for him and meet him with love and kindness if he told them that he was hurting when they were hurting. They had enough going on, and they didn’t need him to be just another worry.
They both stay like that for a while, Azure’s arms gently wrapped around Two Time, whose face was buried in his chest, until their sobs are reduced to tiny, occasional sniffles.
“Are you feeling better, nightshade?” Azure asked.
“Y-Yeah,” They started to slowly peel themself off of him, somehow more calm than they were even before their nightmare and breakdown. “Thanks.”
Funny. It was only Azure who could completely soothe them during this. How cruelly ironic.
“Of course, love.” As Azure said this, he leaned forward to plant a kiss on Two Time’s forehead.
…How? Just how could they stab him, after all that they’d been through together? After all that he had done for them? But they’d both get their second lives. One thing was for sure- Azure just deserved someone better.
“I don’t wanna keep you up, so maybe we could just go back to sleep..? Only if you want,” they said meekly.
“Alright,” Azure agreed. “If you want, we can cuddle to sleep,” they suggested. “That way, I’ll be right there if the nightmare comes back.”
Touched by the kind offer, Two Time smiled slightly as they nodded, despite the self-deprecating thoughts swirling inside their head.
“...Yeah. If that’s okay, I’d like that. Thank you, Azure.”
“‘Course, my nightshade.”
As they both laid back down on the bed, Azure began to wrap their arms around Two Time, and they practically melted into him. After some shifting, they were both comfortably cuddling each other.
It felt so safe here. It felt like the world could be falling apart around them and they wouldn’t be the wiser.
No more nightmares engulfed Two Time that night, safely secure in Azure’s arms. Though they know they have to do… it soon, they want to enjoy this moment with their beloved. Their whole world, really. Before Amarah placed a deadline on the instruction.