Work Text:
Jungsoo is fuming, and weak from it. He doesn't even have enough energy to change his clothes or arrange his bed. He’s simply plopped down, still with his socks on, unblanketed and upset. He can't believe Heechul announced his military enlistment in front of the whole group and didn't bother to tell him beforehand.
That conniving fucker. Jungsoo is so sure Heechul didn't let him know in advance, when it was just the two of them in the room, because he knows Jungsoo would disapprove. Letting Jungsoo know alongside the members and managers is a way to make sure Jungsoo doesn't act out, right? That Jungsoo remains some semblance of calm and supportive, especially now when he's so conscious about how him and Heechul are perceived after that giant fight in Incheon. It's been resolved between the two of them, but the members still share knowing glances sometimes, still perk their heads in curiosity whenever their Heechul and Teukie Hyungs interact. Clever Heechul, weaponizing Jungsoo’s desire to not scare the kids in order to mitigate Jungsoo’s gripes with him.
Heechul has always been clever in this way, so it's not really a surprise. Except he promised!, Jungsoo can't help but think. Heechul promised to be on Jungsoo’s side, to use that sly cleverness for him and not against him. And now Jungsoo is boxed away yet again, of equal footing as everyone else, when he has really let himself believe these past few months that…. that…..
His door creaks open. He knows who it is, because when you live with people long enough you have no choice but to know what their footsteps sound like. This time, Heechul’s footsteps sound timid and slow, hesitant, like the dip Jungsoo’s bed makes as Heechul sits on it.
Jungsoo doesn't turn around. He doesn’t want Heechul to see how upset he is. Heechul knows anyway. No need to look.
They stay quiet for a while, Jungsoo curled up in bed, mind almost blank from all the seething. Heechul simply sits, waits.
“We said we were gonna go together,” Jungsoo says, finally, rewarding Heechul’s patience. “We were gonna go together.”
“It's better for the group that we don't,” Heechul says.
But what about me!, Jungsoo’s mind screams. What about me! What about me!
It's been a while since he had thoughts like this. Maybe he has been spoiled recently. He's gone selfish. Or resentful. He's tired, or overworked, or depressed, or anxious, or finally crumbling from all the pressure that's been on his shoulders since the beginning of this fucking group. He's mad that Heechul and him had just become friends again and now he's leaving, again, the perpetual leaver who won't stay gone. He's mad that he's mad about it.
And he's mad that Heechul is sitting at the foot of his bed because he knows what Jungsoo is feeling, has developed a sensitivity for it out of the desire to pay attention, is aware how much his actions goes against Jungsoo’s desires, and is doing it all anyway. Leaving, that is. Some semblance of leaving. The perpetual leaver, with the knowledge of how his absence will leave a gaping hole in the fabric of Jungsoo’s life, is leaving anyway. Leaving Jungsoo. For the better of the group.
But what about me?
My God, Jungsoo has really gone selfish these days.
Jungsoo feels a hand wrap around his bare ankle, a gentle grasp. He feels the soothing way Heechul rubs the divot right above his foot with a thumb, the touch warm and electric.
“Are you okay?” Heechul asks.
“I just really wanted to go together. Why can't we go together?” Jungsoo says, again. He knows he sounds like a petulant child, and usually he wouldn't act this way, not in front of the other members, because he doesn't want to set a precedence of childishness, not in front of the higher ups, because he needs to be a mature and sober representative of Super Junior, and lately, not in front of Heechul, who has been so subservient to his every whim that Jungsoo eventually realized he needs to be careful in order to not take advantage. Except now, it seems Heechul is deadset on his decisions and will not budge. The one time Jungsoo is willing, with all of his heart, to ask something of him, to beg and grovel and crawl, is the one time he knows, for a fact, that he won't get what he wants.
Heechul’s hand crawls higher, now massaging Jungsoo’s calf. He squeezes it repeatedly, and Jungsoo is quite unsure who this is for, what it's supposed to do.
“I’m sorry,” Heechul says, that oddly sincere voice. “Don't be too upset, it'll be just fine.”
Just then, Heechul’s hand stops. When he speaks again, it's in that cheery voice he puts on when he's trying to get Jungsoo to laugh. Jungsoo can recognize it anywhere.
“Hey, you wanna dance?”
“What?” The comment actually made Jungsoo lift his head up and look over.
“Hold on,” Heechul says, and steps out the room. A couple seconds later and he's back with his radio and a CD.
Heechul sets the thing up quickly, and music starts filling the room up. It's an odd song for Heechul, an orchestra piece with a marching rhythm, some punchy violins
“Come on!” Heechul says. He’s already swaying side to side, grooving with his shoulders and torso.
“What is this?” Jungsoo can't help but react with absurdity at Heechul’s attempt to turn his room into a dance club. It's a bit of an emotional whiplash from the conversation earlier, he finds. It doesn't settle particularly well on his stomach.
“Come on! Come on!” Heechul keeps on saying, now grabbing at Jungsoo’s arms, and Jungsoo knows Heechul won't quit until Jungsoo is up and dancing.
Jungsoo lets himself be manhandled to a standing position, but even as he gets up Heechul does not let go of him, instead intertwining their left hands together and placing Jungsoo’s right hand in the middle of his back, right where the muscle ripples of movement are loudest.
“You feel that?” Heechul asks, and then shifts his torso side to side.
“Yes,” Jungsoo says, a bit windswept by Heechul’s bossiness.
“Okay, when I move, you move with me,” Heechul says, and places his right hand firmly on Jungsoo, at the area middling waist and upper back.
Heechul sways side to side, shifting his weight from foot to foot, and looks at Jungsoo expectantly.
The proximity is doing something to Jungsoo’s body. He's tensed up, as if he’s unsure whether to lean into or arch away from Heechul’s warm touch. He obediently shifts from foot to foot, still, moving in tandem with Heechul.
Heechul has put on the face he has when he's being the nice kind of mischievous, like he's pleased with himself but trying not to show it.
“Move with me,” Heechul repeats again, and takes a step forward. Jungsoo looks down at their feet on instinct, and the next thing he feels is the absence of Heechul’s hand by his rib.
The hand instead moves to his chin, fingers lifting his face up with enough force that his jaw softly clatters. “Look at me,” Heechul instructs. “Don't look down, just feel my movement where your hand is.”
Jungsoo feels lightheaded, but it's not like he's not used to following dance instructions. He's just also not used to those instructions coming from a very confident and sturdy Kim Heechul, who is broader than one would expect of someone skinny as a stick, who is holding himself up in a way Jungsoo is not used to seeing. Or feeling, with his hand, which is still pressed against those back muscles that move with every step Heechul takes.
Forward, forward, forward, and then one to the side. Heechul keeps his eyes on Jungsoo’s, gives a little nod of affirmation, and then he steps back, urging Jungsoo to move towards him, and back again, back again, and turns Jungsoo around.
“See you’re getting the hang of it,” Heechul says, and Jungsoo really is.
“This is Tango, right?”
“Yep,” Heechul says. “I attended a class way back.”
“When?” Jungsoo says, almost incredulous. “Before our debut?”
“No, after that.” Heechul scrunches his face a bit. “If it was before our debut, you probably would have known.”
Heechul is right. It's not that they were inseparable back then, not tied at the hip or anything, but they were tied at something. And then Super Junior came in full swing and the tether loosened, but never fully got cut. Now, they're all tied up against each other again, equally by circumstance as by choice. If Heechul took a tango class now, would Jungsoo know? Probably not, still. Tethers come in different forms, after all, and the one they have now… Jungsoo has no word for it. Not any he wants to think of.
Heechul starts doing a move that has Jungsoo swaying side to side, as if forming a figure eight on the floor. Heechul seems focused on it, his instructions to Jungsoo unfollowed by himself, with his head bent down and eyes on the ground. Jungsoo stays looking up, though, keeps his eyes on Heechul, on that glorious line of his forehead to the tip of his nose, lets his body be guided by the movements Heechul’s shoulder makes,
This close, Jungsoo can smell Heechul’s hair, the faint scent of hair oil that he knows Heechul likes, has liked since before they met. Heechul had longer hair then, constantly wore headbands. In a couple months all that hair is going to get shaved off. He wants to bury his nose in it, right where it parts, the white of Heechul’s scalp showing.
Heechul moves him about the room easily, occasionally murmuring things like good job and there you go. The room is small, and they use all of it as they move around. Occasionally Heechul would pick up the pace, and then slow down, and Jungsoo follows him through whatever speed he wants to move in.
Heechul is doing this to cheer him up, Jungsoo knows, and it's working. He's getting lighter on his heels.
He only stumbles a bit in a move where Heechul parks his foot right by his, forcing him to turn a certain way that he didn't expect. He wobbles, but Heechul’s firm hold by his waist and hand holds him up.
“Continue with your left foot,” Heechul corrects, and when Jungsoo does, softly goes very good.
“That's a cool move,” Jungsoo remarks. “What's it called?”
“Oh that's the Pa-Ra-Da,” Heechul says, putting emphasis on every syllable. “I think it means stop.”
“Oh,” Jungsoo says. “Because you're stopping my foot. That's fun.”
They do the swaying move again, and Jungsoo's curiosity is piqued. “What's this one called?”
“Oh I have no idea,” Heechul remarks incredibly quickly. “I only attended one class. I only remember the last word because it's fun to say.”
“You're pretty good for one class,” Jungsoo says, and he notices that Heechul, who has told him to keep his eyes on him, won't make eye contact, his eyes flitting about. Well, it means Jungsoo can keep looking at his face, unabashed, can see the way those ears redden, despite Heechul’s confident posture. It's not the worst thing in the world.
The music tempers out, and Jungsoo realizes that it's the first time he even really noticed the music the entire time they've been dancing. It was Heechul who was keeping time, keeping notice. All Jungsoo had to keep time with and keep notice of was Heechul.
The next song plays, and it's way different from the last one. This one's softer, slower, definitely not a Tango piece.
“What is this? Is this an album?” Jungsoo asks. They’ve essentially stopped dancing, simply holding each other in the middle of the room.
“Ahh, no,” Heechul looks a bit sheepish. “I burned this CD actually. This is supposed to be the end part, you know. Where you slow dance and be sweet and stuff.”
“Wait,” Jungsoo says. “Is this a move you do with girls? You burned this CD to… what, seduce?”
Heechul scowls. “Hey!” he says. “I’ve only done it two or three times.”
Jungsoo laughs, a brittle, mirthy noise. “Does it work?”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“You kiss them after the dance?” Jungsoo asks.
He was expecting Heechul to act overconfident, boast a little bit, or perhaps be embarrassed by the question, act shy and evasive. Either outcome is fun, bantery, something he can tease Heechul with.
He didn't expect Heechul’s expression to soften, to serious up. Heechul looks at him with that earnest face, and so close like this it really takes one’s breath away.
“Do we kiss after the dance?” Heechul repeats the question. “I guess we’ll see.”
Heechul is still holding on to Jungsoo’s torso. He must have felt the way Jungsoo’s breath hitches with that sharp inhale, the implications of the words shocking and affecting. And then Jungsoo remembers himself.
“You flirt!” Jungsoo says, taking his hand off Heechul’s body to playfully smack him on the side of the head. He laughs, a nervous noise.
He should be used to Heechul’s flirty nature nowadays. The guy has always been like this, always spoke like this. Even after Heechul found out that Jungsoo occasionally dates men, he never stopped being such a flirt, which is a nice thing, in its own way, that Heechul treats Jungsoo just the same. The flirting didn't affect Jungsoo much for a long time. Heechul must be the most heterosexual man he knows, despite what everything about him seems to imply. But recently, their emotional closeness, Jungsoo’s vulnerability with Heechul…
Sometimes he wonders if there's something more going on with Heechul. And then he wonders if Heechul wonders the same. And then he stops himself from wondering, tells himself that only madness lies in that path.
Heechul laughs along, shakes his head a bit, his bangs falling over his eyes. The slow music is still playing, and they stand there, in the middle of the room.
And then Heechul walks up close to Jungsoo and puts his arms around Jungsoo’s waist in a hug, lays his chin by Jungsoo’s shoulder, and starts swaying alongside the music.
It's so close and so tender that Jungsoo’s heart twists in on itself. His chest hurts again, he feels interchangeably warm and cold all over. He manages to put his arm over Heechul’s shoulder, sway along. This close, he really can bury his nose in Heechul's hair. This close, even Heechul’s heartbeat is a resounding thump against Jungsoo’s body.
“Don't be mad at me,” Heechul says, and Jungsoo can feel Heechul’s breath against his neck, a gentle tickle that travels throughout his entire body. “Or be mad at me, and tell me. Hell, you can push me around, punch me if you like, but don't keep it in.”
“I’m not angry with you. It's just what happens. Circumstances, and all that.” Jungsoo says. “I’m just…”
Just hurt, Jungsoo wants to say. But what's the point of saying? It won't change Heechul’s decision or the truth of the matter. His hurt changes nothing. It's irrelevant.
“I’ll miss you,” he says instead.”And when you're back, I’ll be going, and then I’ll miss you then too.”
“We’ll have the rest of our lives,” Heechul says, and Jungsoo still has no idea where Heechul’s certainty comes from, when he says things like forever and for the rest of our lives. Well, at least one of them is certain. That's probably for the best.
The song ends, and they unintertwine, take a step back into a proper, respectable distance. It's a lot, Jungsoo surmises. It feels like a lot, this whole day, and he can barely think, can barely figure out what he's feeling.
He watches Heechul in front of him, still standing and shifting foot to foot, looking at him askew, and Jungsoo thinks he's going to kiss me.
Heechul extends an arm out, pats him on the shoulder. “Are you feeling better?”
“Yeah.”
He's going to kiss me.
Heechul looks at him as if he wants to say something, then stops, like his brain is pushing words out that his tongue won't let him speak.
He's going to kiss me.
“Are we good?” Heechul finally stumbles onto the words.
“Yeah.”
He's going to kiss me.
“That's good,” Heechul says. He keeps standing there, keeps looking unsteady on his feet. “I should go then?”
He says it as if he's asking for permission. Heechul is not going to kiss him, Jungsoo realizes. He's going to wait for Jungsoo. Jungsoo is not even sure Heechul knows what he's waiting for. Heechul, who will do most things he asks these days, except for one thing. If Jungsoo kisses him, he won't stop there. He’ll ask Heechul to go to the military with him, follow one thing Heechul is willing to give him by asking for another Heechul is sturdy on, in the hopes that the two ideas meld together in one giant codependent mush.
So Jungsoo can't kiss him. That's madness. Not when he's become so selfish these days. If Jungsoo is not careful, he'll implode both of their lives.
“Yes,” Jungsoo says, finally. “It's- it's late. We should- we should sleep.”
“Okay.” Heechul nods. He gets his radio and his CD case, heads out. Before he closes Jungsoo’s door, he turns around.
“Goodnight?” he asks. There it is, a question again. As if asking for permission. Permission to stay, to leave, to go, to come back. Permission to stand close, to stand apart, to run away, to run back. Always back. Always running back.
“Goodnight,” Jungsoo says, and Heechul closes the door.