Chapter Text
Jean was sure that he will remember the day he met Reiner forever.
It was the table read day. Jean was excited to be there. It was his first project. He had passed the auditions and made it in the cast.
It was a big oval table where people sat around it. When Jean’s eyes found the boy that sat across him, his breath had hitched. The blond boy greeted him with a polite smile and a nod. All Jean could do was to stare. He was grateful that his jaw didn’t drop and he didn’t (hopefully) look like an idiot. It had taken a little time for him to focus on the script in front of him.
It was really really hard to remain calm during filming. Jean had memorized every single one of his lines and rehearsed his parts over and over. But the moment he saw Reiner, it was all over. He was getting so nervous and forgetting his lines. His acting was felt so stiff to himself; even though he tried his best to stay loyal to his rehearsals.
At first, it wasn’t a big deal. Everybody was nervous; it was most of their first job and they were young. But as the time passed, they all got used to the envirement and Jean stuck out like a sore thumb.
He could notice that he was tiring everyone, making their job harder. But he couldn’t help being nervous. His palms would sweat slightly, his heart would pound his chest, his mouth would go dry. Because in all of his scenes at the first quarter of filming, Reiner was there. He was part of the cast, mingling with extras. Especially with Jean’s acting which was amateur compared to others, he could feel the blond boy’s eyes on him more.
One day, one of the directors who was also part of the cast, Hange Zoe, called him to their office. Their eyes were kind as they looked at Jean.
“I understand that you have problem with adjusting to the other cast members,” they said gently. “Is there a trouble? Or someone that makes you uncomfortable?”
Jean gulped at that. He was fiddling with the hem of his jacket. He avoided Hange’s eyes. It would so stupid if he told them. An actor who can’t control his emotions? How pathetic.
He shook his head. “No,” he replied. “I am just…taking a little longer to adjust, I guess. I am sorry.”
Hange paused for a moment. Then they smiled. “No need to apologize. Please let me know if something happens, okay?”
Jean nodded and Hange dismissed him.
A couple of days later than that, they were filming another small scene of cadets. It was where Jean and Eren’s characters are fighting each other in the mess hall.
Once again, Jean had stuttered at his first line. It took three takes to get it right. He could hear exasperated sighs coming from other actors but he couldn’t look at them. His chest was burning with embarassment. He took a deep breath and held his concentration intact.
Thankfully, the action of their fighting didn’t go bad. Jean managed to get through the takes without causing trouble. But he could still feel like his stunts weren’t as fluid as they were supposed to be. He was getting incredibly frustrated with himself. Being betrayed by his own emotions, being limited by his own brain wasn’t really easy. It made him want to fall on his knees and cry out that he was actually capable.
They were done for the day. The cast members gathered to chat as the crew started to gather the equipments. Jean didn’t join his peers, instead he started to help the crew. He felt like he owed it to them at least.
“I am sorry.” he whispered to one of the crew members. She looked at him with symphaty in her eyes.
“It’s okay.” she said softly. Jean gave her a small smile before he kept helping. As he kept going, he could see the stares thrown at him, giving him unease.
As the work was almost done, he heard someone say: “Maybe you should stick to that, instead of acting.”
Jean turned and saw the whole cast staring at him. It was Connie who said that.
“What?” was all he could say. He felt like he was in a trial, being judged for all his mistakes.
Reiner sighed. “I mean, we all adjusted to the set,” he started, his voice was distant. “Except you. If you still struggle, that means you are not fit to be an actor.”
Jean’s breath hitched as a pang of pain ran through his chest. Maybe Reiner’s voice wasn’t actually judging, maybe his words weren’t exactly harsh. But coming from him it felt like he could see through all of Jean’s flaws.
“I mean, if you need few takes to get a line right every time, then you shouldn’t be here.” Reiner kept going and nailed the words right on Jean’s heart. His glare was almost cold.
A silence fell on them. They were all looking at him, remained crew members were looking at each other, not knowing what to do.
Jean clenched his fists as he tried not to cry. “I…” he started but he couldn’t say the rest. What could he say anyway? ”I am sorry. I will do better. Please don’t hate me.”
He didn’t complete his sentence. Instead, he turned around and walked out of set. His steps were fast, as if he was running away from all of them. When he finally found a corner that nobody could see him, he leaned against a wall. He took a shaky breath and fought his tears but it was a fail. He slid down the wall and sat on the floor as he started to cry. He pulled his knees to himself and buried his face on them as he kept on.
Was he right? Did Jean really deserve to be there? Did they all hate him? Maybe he should quit. Maybe he should apply other projects. Or Maybe he should stick to the theater.
“Jean?” A soft voice interrupted his faint sobs. He looked up and saw Hange looking at him. He quickly started to wipe his tears.
“Are you okay? What happened?” they asked. Jean shook his head.
“Nothing.” he said. But he knew none of them would believe this.
“Come on,” said Hange. “Let’s get to my office.”
They went to the office without seeing anyone, thankfully. Hange gave him tissues. They sat down and waited patiently as Jean wiped his tears and nose. They gave him a bottle of water. Jean thanked silently and took a few sips.
“What happened Jean? You know you can trust me, right?”
Jean nodded but avoided their eyes. He started fidgeting with the bottle in his hands.
“Our priority is to make sure that every single member of cast and crew is comfortable and safe. I can’t just let you go after I see you cry like that.” they said gently. Jean could feel himself relax a little.
“I saw you audition.” they kept going. “You are talented and capable. This role is so right for you. I just want to fix whatever the situation you are in because you are clearly uncomfortable.”
“Not uncomfortable.” said Jean, his voice was tired. “I am nervous. Confused. Because I never liked a boy before. I mean, I liked girls but this is…something entirely new.” the words were falling out of his mouth now.
“This never happened before. And I am so confused. I don’t how to deal with this. I don’t know who to talk. I have never been against it, you know. Queers, I mean. But I don’t know how anyone else would react. So I couldn’t just ask anyone. I couldn’t… I can’t talk to anyone about this. I thought it was an admiration first. But then…it became more intense than that. Then I just…I don’t know… My heart beats so fast, my palms sweat, I kind of forget the words when he is around. But it’s unprofessional, right? I should be able to control my own emotions. If I can’t do that, I shouldn’t be here at all. Maybe I should just quit-“
“Jean.” Hange cut him off gently. Jean blinked away his new tears and looked down at his lap, embarrassed. He couldn’t believe he just did that. He had poured it all to the person who was basically his boss. How unprofessional.
“I understand that you have feelings for someone in the cast, correct?” They asked. Jean nodded.
“Alright. There is no need to panic. I don’t want you to quit because of it.” they said.
“But-“
“You are quite young. It’s okay to struggle like this. Especially when you are going through an existential crisis.”
Jean’s eyes found Hange. The director smiled at him. “I will make sure that you will be comfortable, okay?”
“I wouldn’t want to be-“
“Nonsense!” Hange didn’t let him finish. “You are the perfect actor for your character. It would be a shame to lose you.”
A grateful lump sat in Jean’s throat. He blinked few times, then nodded. “Thank you so much. I will not disappoint you no more.”
“You never did.” Hange ruffled his hair. “Go have some rest.”
Jean smiled. “Goodnight.”
The days after that conversation were a little easier. Even though that rambling was embarassing, it lifted the weight in Jean’s chest. He was at more ease now, his confidence was better.
He still didn’t talk to the cast at their breaks. He spent those free times to fix his own costume, check the odm gear or talk to the crew. He could feel Reiner’s stare lingering on him sometimes. What was that in those eyes? Judgement? Pity? Guilt?
It was the day they were shooting the funeral pyre scene. Jean could feel Reiner’s (and others’) gazes on him as he played his own part. This time, he didn’t make any mistakes. He knew he was doing good, as he felt the real tears in his eyes. He could cry on command, after all.
As they were done for the day, Jean found a silent corner and started to drink water. He was kind of tired. Even a small scene was taking ar least a whole day to make. But Jean wouldn’t change it for anything.
“Jean?”
He was startled with Reiner’s voice. The blond boy was standing across him. Jean put the cap on his bottle.
“Yeah?” he said curiously.
Reiner’s hand found his own nape for a moment. “I want to apologize. For that night. It wasn’t my place to decide where you should be or not. I am sorry for being mean.” he said in a breath.
Is he nervous? No, it can’t be.
Jean looked at him. Reiner’s eyes were sincere. He was looking at him as if he was expecting Jean to cuss.
Jean hummed. “I accept your apology, thank you.” he said. It was the kindest sentence he could find. His heart was beating so fast. It was the only time Reiner talked to him except that night and greetings before that. He wasn’t this close before either. Jean could almost smell him. What a weird thought. Be normal, Jean. Reiner’s eyes were prettier up close, Jean wished he could stare at them longer.
“I understand you guys’ frustration, so…” Jean trailed off. Reiner immediately shook his head.
“No matter what, you didn’t deserve to be told those words.” said Reiner softly. Jean could swear something melted inside him.
“Well, uh…” he stammered. “I appreciate it.”
Reiner smiled. “Good night, Jean.”
Say my name again.
“Good night, Reiner.”
Jean watched him smile and walk away. The moment Reiner went out of sight, he exhaled a shaky breath and put his hand on his chest, as if trying to calm his heart down. He let out a breathy giggle.
Then his eyes found Ymir, who was looking at him with a raised eyebrow and a smile she tried to contain.
Jean froze. They looked at each other for a moment that felt like hours.
“Please…” was all he could say, with a cracked voice.
“I won’t tell anyone.” she promised. But her smile was telling Jean that he would never live this down.