Work Text:
The school felt unusually cold once you shut the closet door closed. It was almost like a winter breeze had started to blow in. My shoes tapped against the hard tiles as I began to walk away. When you first smiled at her, I could feel my heart shatter. I tried my best to ignore it. I thought it was just a few passing glances at most. I had hoped what happened in that library was just a once off. That, this would stay our thing. Our adventures. Kris and Susie's. But I was lying to myself, I knew had a job to complete, I promised. It was only natural that I would push you way just like I had with everyone else. Push you away towards her.
That day in the closet, I didn't expect it to change us forever. It hurts to say, but up until then I thought just like everyone else. That you were just the mean bully who hated me. I'm used to people acting weird around me, but it felt you hated my guts. But I learned fast how utterly wrong I was. You were so beautiful, so free, you made me laugh in a way no one could. Even if you tried to be the bad guy, you were always bad at hiding your feelings. I could see how much you loved this adventure, the darkners, and I thought you loved me too. I hated myself for falling so fast, but I couldn't help it. You caught me in your trap so fast. That trap that everyone falls into when they are around you. It felt like everyone seemed to love you, still, I wanted you to pick me.
Noelle, she was never part of the plan. She ended up in that dark world by pure mistake. If she wasn't there, maybe none of this would have happened. I say that like I would have actually told you how I feel. No matter how weak Noelle thinks she is, she's stronger than me in every way. She has the courage to do things I could never dream of. She's not scared to take a chance, to take the risk that could ruin it all. I was afraid, afraid of what you would say if I told you I loved you. I was scared you would leave just how everyone else had. Even if I had the will to tell you, it would ruin the plan. I made a promise that I would help find her. If you found out I was working with the Knight, I know you would hate me. There's not much point in telling you how I feel. You're gonna find out eventually; I can't hide forever.
That's why I was so confused when I came to Castle Town to see you preparing for your date with Noelle. I should be happy, right? My best friend has found someone who truly loves them. But I wasn't. Each time one of the darkners spoke about your date, I had to hold back my tears. I couldn't let Ralsei see me get so emotional over something that was my own fault. Then when we met, you smiled so brightly, just for a moment all my worries vanished. I felt like I was back in that closet with just you and me spending so much time together. Except that smile wasn't for me, was it? You were smiling for Noelle eager to go to the festival with her. I knew you were going with her since yesterday, but time didn't make it hurt any less.
It hurt having to third wheel the festival with you and Noelle, but there was a part of me that was happy seeing you have so much fun, even if it wasn't me who was the one making you laugh. That moment when you two rode the Ferris wheel, I didn't even want to think about what you too were doing up there. I had always wanted to ride it with you but I'm no good at saying what I want, am I? Every moment with you is like a fleeting dream that’s soon disappears when I wake up. You asked me, “Human or Monster?” Of course, you knew the answer; it wasn’t like I tried very hard to hide what I liked. The only human in a town full of monsters? Cmon Susie, even you’re not that much of a dumbass.
Maybe if I was me, the real Kris and not a cage. Maybe then I would have the courage to say something. I would be free, free to say all the things I want to say, free to feel all the things I want to feel, free to be myself. Instead, I’m bound to the will of this heart. The soul which is not mine. Stuck following the promise I made. It’s easy for me to blame something else, something this is out of my control. But it’s my choices that caused this.
Now I won’t be the one to make you blush. To feel your hand in mine. Spending the night together in Castle Town, wrapped up in each other's arms till we fall asleep. I won’t ride the Ferris wheel with you and gaze down across the town. I can’t brush your hair while I tell you all the things I love about you. The control you have over your life, how much you love being yourself and not caring about what others think about you. That big toothy smile of yours or your eyes that I get lost in so easily. But now someone else has taken that chance away from me. I won’t be able to tell you how much I love you, Susie.
I made a promise a long time ago, it’s the reason why I can’t love you. If you found out what I was doing and who I was working with. I don’t even want to imagine how you would feel. I’m so sorry, Susie, please, when you find out, please forgive for what I did and what I’m going to do. I can’t break your heart so instead I’ll stay quiet, continue my promise, and watch you find someone who can make you laugh without lying to you. I hope you won’t come to hate me. I love you.