Work Text:
“Mydei,” Hephaestion starts. “My love? Can we talk?”
“Yes?” Mydei looks up from his recipe book, bright golden eyes free of any concern. Hephaestion hates the discussion they’re about to have already. He steels himself with a deep breath, smiles with as much affection (a lot) and self-confidence (very little) as he can, and says words he never ever thought would go past his lips:
“Your pet- chimera— thing. I think it's trying to kill me.”
Mydeimos looks down at the chimera quietly napping on his lap, a fluffy ball of blue and white wool rocking with its own peaceful snores. Then, back to Hephaestion, one eyebrow raised in utter disbelief.
“Phainon?”
“Look, I know it sounds ridiculous—”
“It kind of does,” Mydei cuts softly. He uses the same tone he does with unreasonable children at the preschool he teaches at, when they get into petty fights over things they’ll forget the very next day.
“—but it’s not,” Hephaestion insists. Phainon, having heard its name, squirms on Mydei’s lap with a long yawn. Mydeimos smiles at the little monster and leans down to give it a kiss on the snoot, and another between the eyes, and Hephaestion feels he’s fighting a battle that’s been lost before he’s even taken up arms. Still, he tries. “He keeps on peeing on everything I leave on the floor for more than a second. This is the third pair of shoes I’ve bought, love.”
“I like these,” Mydei says quietly. “They fit you.” Hephaestion opens his mouth to say thank you, a compliment, maybe some flirting. “And Phainon is just marking his territory.” Never mind.
“Fine,” he relents, showing his hands in surrender. “Let’s say he is. Then why does he try to trip me whenever I take the stairs?”
“Hephaestion. He's a baby. He's playing with you.”
Said baby paws at Mydei's chest and purrs when he gets undeserved chin scratches, eyes closed in bliss. Hephaestion’s mind screams, It should have been me!
He takes another breath, trying his best not to lose his calm and his sanity. He's not jealous of the chimera. He's not jealous. That’d be ridiculous. He's in danger. There's a clear difference.
“Playing Russian roulette, maybe. I wake up to him sitting on my face. Trying to asphyxiate me.”
“Hephaestion.”
“Mydei, you have to believe me. He’s like — like that dog in Cujo.”
Mydei’s eyebrows scrunch up.
“You did not just compare him to that thing.”
“No, you're right.” Hephaestion throws his arms in the air in exasperation. “He’s even worse!”
Phainon rubs his tiny disgusting head over Mydei’s torso, equally rubbing it in that he’s the favorite male in this house. He looks at Hephaestion with something that can’t be described any other way than as a mocking smirk. Hephaestion bites his lower lip and forces himself to smile politely.
“Look, I'm just asking you to discipline it properly. I love you, Mydei,” he adds, and finally, finally, Mydei looks away from his hellish spawn of a pet to give Hephaestion his undivided attention. Hephaestion’s voice softens. Maybe he still has a chance. “I really do. But I can’t imagine myself getting into a more serious relationship with you if that thing is hell bent on ending my life.”
“Okay,” Mydeimos says, two fingers absent-mindlessly running through the thin fur atop of Phainon' s head. He still sounds like he’s dealing with a toddler’s tantrum. “I’ll talk to him.”
Phainon burps.
r/relationships_advice - 5 hours ago
u/Chimerant
My (29M) boyfriend’s pet chimera (1M) hates me (31M) and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to kill me. My boyfriend does not care. What can I do?
I am chronically ill and can't even properly relax in my boyfriend's double bed because half of it ‘belongs’ to his pet. I have brought this up with him multiple times. He refuses to lock that thing out of the room at night because it cries super loud. My earplugs suggestion was instantly dismissed and he looked at me as if I offered to put down the thing. Everyday I wake up wheezing because his pet sits on my face blocking out my mouth and nose. I know it does it on purpose. I have weak lungs. It has this mean look in its eyes. My partner does not believe me. I also need to leave all of my belongings in high shelves that thing cannot reach or else it will pee on EVERYTHING I own. Is this relationship worth salvaging if I never feel prioritized when it comes to his pet?
Awooooooo:
The chimera knows the alpha male is. Consider hitting the gym.
Chimerant [OP] :
How will bulking up help exactly? I’m not looking to get into a fist fight with it
Awooooooo:
Good thing you don’t, actually. It sounds like the chimera would win. But maybe if u get ripped ur boyfriend will at least hesitate a little when he has to pick between you and the chimera.
This is ridiculous. It’s not about picking. It’s about Hephaestion’s safety. Between Phainon’s howling and its staring in the dark and its scratching underneath the doors, each night in the house feels like a B-grade horror movie.
Hephaestion starts to regret turning to the Internet for advice. He’s heard Perdikkas say that he turned to Reddit whenever he had any questions, so. Surely someone will provide a helpful answer.
SexyDomme46 :
It seems to me you are getting cucked by a chimera.
Chimerant [OP] :
I am NOT getting cucked by a chimera. I just want to feel like a priority. We’ve been together for ten months. That’s almost a year right? I just think I deserve at least that much. What's the point of being in a relationship if I'm less important than the dog?
SexyDomme46 -
When was the last time u guys fucked?
Completely irrelevant. Hephaestion ignores the question.
ILOVEBubbles:
The mere fact that you call an innocent chimera ‘thing’ tells me everything I need to know. You are an animal abuser and I will report this post to the competent authorities.
Chimerant [OP]:
I’ve never even touched it
ILOVEBubbles:
I sure HOPE so, you freak. There’s a reason it doesn’t want you near. Animals have instincts and these instincts are never wrong. It can tell how fucked up you are and I hope this poor thing’s owner will be able to see you for who you really are and leave your sorry ass ASAP.
RuanM.31-
They’re not entirely wrong, OP. Chimeras are actually extremely smart and can understand what we tell them. Maybe you’ve made a mistake in befriending it; try starting over. In ancient times, they even worked alongside humans for difficult tasks. If you handle it well, I believe it will cooperate.
And in modern times they were working overtime for Satan, apparently. Hephaestion sighs, rereading the last comment a few more times. At least it sounded like there was a chance for a peaceful agreement with the creature. He nods to himself, gathering motivation for the ordeal, and makes a mental note of stopping by the pet shop on his way to Mydeimos’ home tomorrow.
The treat is thoroughly ignored, just like any other attempts at friendship with the feisty little devil. It collects dust on the carpet while Phainon looks at Hephaestion like it’s devising yet another plot to take his life.
Hephaestion, having found nothing better to do, tries the only other approach he could think of: crouching down to the creature’s level and talking to it as if it were a particularly whimsical three year old. The Reddit user said they could understand, right? Maybe if he just.. Had a heart-to-heart with Phainon, then perhaps the chimera would understand and ease up a little? Agree to a ceasefire?
Phainon’s eyes never looked any blanker than here and now. Not a single thought going through its horrible head — whereas when Mydeimos is home, they’re always big and bright and begging for attention. Hephaestion forces a composed smile.
“Hey, you,” he starts, extending his hand. He can swear Phainon’s eyes narrow. A rumbling sound comes from its chest, one that sounds less like a purr, and more like a growl. Hephaestion takes his hand back. “I’m sorry if I did anything to offend you. How about we make peace? ” Phainon keeps still. Okay. At least he’s not pouncing. “Listen, I— I really like Mydei, and I want him to be happy, and I think you do, too, right?”
He feels stupider with each word he utters but Phainon has shifted almost imperceptibly at the mention of Mydei’s name, eyes widening in interest. Maybe talking to him was the right option all along. Hope is rekindled. Hephaestion gives an encouraging smile. “And I was thinking I, uh, kind of wanted things to be serious between us — not you and I, I mean, Mydei and I, and I was considering— well, I was considering marriage down the line, cause, like I said, I really like him, and I want us to be happy— but I think he’d be happiest if we got along as well, you know?”
The little beast’s eyes grow wider.
Hephaestion tries to find any sort of answer or acknowledgment from it. Gets none. He waves his hand in front of Phainon’s face and the chimera does not even blink. Has it… Gone into shock? Hephaestion almost worries and goes to call Mydei, when Phainon at last blinks slowly, once, twice. That means affection in cats language, Hephaestion remembers. So, that’s a sign it understood, right? And maybe things will get better from now on… Right??
Right.
Phainon is happily munching on the paperwork it dug out from the depths of Hephaestion’s work bag after somehow knocking it down from the shelves it was carefully placed onto. His dozen of teeth masticate the important documents without a care in the world while Mydeimos sits with one knee on the floor and pets it like it’s done something worth rewarding. That’s positive reinforcement! Hephaestion wants to scream.
“Aw, this is not food, silly. Come on, now.”
But this hellspawn midget is not silly and knows no whimsy. It’s a chimera on a mission, and that mission is to make Hephaestion suffer at all costs. He already has one foot in the grave from his health issues but that thing looks determined in shoving his other one in too and writing the epitaph itself.
Saying things have been worse since their ‘talk’ would be an understatement. The chimera has upped its level of annoyance to a hundred, and Hephaestion loves Mydei more than everything in the world and then some but he’s starting to believe he’s not the only one to feel this way.
Mydeimos turns to him, holding Phainon on his lap and rubbing its cheeks with way more worry than the diabolic thing deserves, its cheeky face twisted in glee. “I’m worried he might be sick, eating all that paper. Don’t you think we should take him to the vet?”
NO, let that thing die the horrible death it deserves. He smiles. “You’re right,” he says. “I can drive us there.”
Mydei’s grateful smile almost has him forget how much easier this relationship would be if not for Phainon.
For the first time in a long, long while, Hephaestion wakes up without a fluffy dead weight onto his chest or face, nor the feeling he’s an asthmatic kid who’s just ran half a mile.
Instead, he wakes up to the smell of gas.
Phainon is sitting next to him on the living-room couch, watching him intently. Something is wrong. Hephaestion tries to get up and finds where the scent comes from, drowsy from his nap. Phainon rushes into his legs and almost trips him.
“Oh for fuck’s— Move!” Hephaestion shoves the creature away as gently as he can with the tip of his slipper. Phainon does an impressively accurate impression of Neymar Jr, rolling all the way to the apartment’s entrance in an overly dramatic fashion, and stays flopped there.
Mydeimos, standing by the door, keys in hands, frowns and looks at Phainon, then at Hephaestion, then up in the air, sniffing.
And he sighs, the kind of sound that can’t be called anything but foreboding.
Crouching, he picks up Phainon and gives a kiss on top of its head—when was the last time Hephaestion got one??—lifting it up to carry it in his arms. Then he walks to the kitchen, turning the stove off without a word. Hephaestion can’t seem to move, watching in horror as the chimera pokes its tongue at him, securely tucked in his lover’s arms.
“Mydei—”
“Hephaestion.” Mydei’s disappointment is so obvious it hurts. Hephaestion already knows this is going to be another very uncomfortable talk that won’t end well. “Can you please tell me what’s going on?”
The worst part is, Mydei does not even sound pissed—just thoroughly worn out, unwilling to fathom another evil chimera conspiracy talk, and yet. Hephaestion hasn’t dreamed all the times the pet has attempted to take his life. His stress has increased tenfold since he’s been staying over at Mydei’s, and his medication intake as well. He just needs— He just needs Mydei to believe him. Just once.
“Phainon turned the stove on while I was sleeping.” Mydeimos’ eyebrows raise in a silent Really, now? and Hephaestion feels like the world’s biggest idiot. “I’m not making things up, I swear. I was sleeping, and it was watching me take a nap—”
“So because the chimera watched you nap it means it turned the stove on to... To what, exactly? Try and blow you up? He doesn’t even have opposable thumbs!”
“I know it sounds crazy, okay? But you have to hear me out. Please.”
There’s that look again, that almost over-the-edge I don’t know what to do with you that prefaces a break-up. Hephaestion suddenly wishes he had never openly brought up the issue, realizing how much more important Mydei is to him than having some pee on his shoes or finding his socks buried five feet under in the garden.
“How come I’d never see any of it, then? Do you really expect me to believe Phainon just… Attempts to take your life when I’m not looking? Hephaestion, he’s barely one year old.” There’s a twitch in Phainon’s ears that only Mydeimos fails to notice.
“You think I’m lying.”
“No,” Mydeimos says, hesitating. He takes a few steps towards Hephaestion, at long least, and gently touches his arm with the other one still carefully cradling the chimera. “No, I just think... You might be a little tired, is all. You could have just fallen asleep and forgotten the oven was on. It happens.”
“I didn’t leave it on.”
Yet he can’t say Phainon did. He has the horrible certainty that if he brings up the pet’s name now, the relationship will be over.
“Right.” A cautious pause. “Have you been taking your medicine properly?”
“Okay—okay, this is even worse.” He gets away from Mydei’s touch, takes a step back. “So you think I’m—I’m having some kind of episode—
“That’s not what I said.” Mydei’s frowning. His hand chases after Hepohaestion, trying to pull him back close, and Hephaestion wants so desperately for the other one to let go of that fucking homicidal chimera and embrace him in a hug, but all he gets is five fingers still covered in white fur interlacing his. “I’m just saying you’ve been a little off, lately, is all. And I’m worried about you.”
There’s a silence, a standstill where neither of them really knows what to say.
“Phainon is just a chimera,” Mydeimos continues with a weary smile. “And you’re the best partner I’ve ever had. The last I’ll ever have, I hope.” He looks away bashfully. Hephaestion’s heart throbs. Mydei looks back at him, eyes full of that same gentleness that eases his faulty heart when pills and machines cannot. “There’s no reason he would not like you.”
Phainon remains still in Mydeimos’ arms and Hephaestion thinks, maybe it’s not as bad as he thought. Maybe he’s over exaggerated, imagined some things — he’s been exhausted, it’s true, worn out by the constant in and out of hospital rooms. And if the chimera is a little possessive, so what? If he shifts his perspective, it’s almost cute how territorial such a small thing can be.
“Yeah,” he smiles, hopeful again. “Yeah, maybe you’re right.”
The human has to go.
At first, Phainon was willing to be merciful. He let him stay over and even touch his human, as long as Phainon could oversee it. He even let it slide when Mydei would say things that were reserved to Phainon — things like I love you, and Good boy.
It was fine. Phainon was smart enough to know he was the most loved and the goodest boy, and the humans that tried to enter their nest never lasted long, anyways. He made sure of it.
And then the room incident happened.
The human started taking Mydei to the Room and then Mydei would cry out and ask him to stop, and the human would just laugh and call him names. Terrible, degrading names.
This could not fly.
Of course, Mydei was a strong, prideful human. The best human. So he tried to hide from Phainon how he was being treated — but Phainon knew. He entered the room at every other occasion, pretended to wail when it was necessary, and then attempted to get rid of the intruder while its guard was down. To no avail. The thing was as tenacious and ugly as a cockroach, and too big for Phainon to eat it like he would have done with said insect.
And the intruder started getting bolder, too; leaving his belongings everywhere and getting more handsy with Myedi. So Phainon took matters in his hands to try and make the human understand that it was not welcome, but it had stayed; stayed longer than every other human, even.
The tipping point was the Incident. The intruder had taken a ridiculous pose on his knees and took a little box out of his pocket and offered it to Mydei. What would Mydei need a box for, anyways? What a stupid gift that was. And then he had said something about maridge and Mydei had cried.
That’s when Phainon had decided he would fight to the death until the intruder would finally leave. No one was allowed to make Mydei cry. There would be none of this maridge thing.
Mydeimos was his.
r/relationships_advice - 2 hours ago
u/Chimerant
[UPDATE] My 29M boyfriend’s pet chimera 1M hates me 31M and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to kill me. My boyfriend does not care. What to do?
Things are getting worse. The chimera is now blocking me from entering certain rooms. It bites my ankles and headbutts me, and it also makes sure to always be in the bedroom or the bathroom when we’re trying to be intimate and it just stares. At me. I can’t stay hard anymore. My partner keeps saying it’s not a big deal and it doesn’t understand but I promise you it does. When I kiss my partner, the chimera just lets out these horrible demonic screeches like it’s been kicked and my partner rushes to see what’s wrong so we never even touch anymore. Is that what marriage looks like? I’m starting to reconsider it. Please, I’m at the end of my rope here. I will do anything but can anyone HELP ME?
BL_Lover
Oh this peak unhinged yaoi. Please keep posting, I need to know how this ends. For science.
Chimerant[OP]
What’s yaoi?
No response.
The other comments are not much more helpful: everyone seems to either call him a troll or offer advice that has nothing to do with the issue at hand.
LeeSinMain:
I hear they eat chimeras in some other countries.
Awooooooo:
You’re his rival now. I suggest introducing it to other chimeras or people so it broadens its horizons and stops seeing you as its sole enemy in the pack.
ThisGuysDeadWife:
lol found the furry
LeeSinMain:
u/Awooooooo is right, though. That little one needs to know other people than you and your partner.
ThisGuysDeadWife:
simp
Hephaestion is not entirely convinced (and what the hell is a simp, anyways? He googles it and it sounds a lot like Phainon), but he figures he has not much else to lose other than his sanity and perhaps his life if things keep up like this.
Who knows, perhaps other chimera’s owners will have some helpful insight to give them.
He can only hope.
They meet up with Jing Yuan and his chimera, Blade, at the park, and for almost too long a moment Hephaestion thinks going to Reddit was a good idea.
Mydeimos is enthusiastically chatting with the other man about their experiences in raising their little ones and some of their quirks—so Hephaestion tunes out; despite it being his idea he can't bear to listen to Mydeimos’ adoring babble when it comes to the pet. And to think there was a time where he thought these rambles cute. Now he just dreams of taking the stairs without being sent to an early grave.
These days, Phainon not only sits at the top of the stairs, it straight up stops anything it’s doing and rushes to tumble into his feet headfirst every time Hephaestion dares come close to the staircase. And then Mydeimos tells Hephaestion to be more careful and Hephaestion sighs and smiles and says yes, babe, I will. He just wants to chuck the damn thing into a wall.
He’s a sensible man, so all he does is try and remain positive instead.
The sky is a beautiful summer blue, Mydeimos’ eyes an amazing gold he hopes to see without any disruptions soon. The birds are happily chirping, the chimeras awooing… No, wait. The chimeras are eerily quiet.
“Yes, Blade is friendly with everyone,” Jing Yuan laughs. “Except my son, for some reason.”
The chimeras are not awooing and they’re staring intently at Hephaestion, standing side by side, their eyes lightless voids. Hephaestion swallows.
“..And except your partner, too, it seems.”
“My fiancé,” Mydeimos corrects. “He’s got a little problem with chimeras, recently.”
Phainon licks his chops.
“You're leaving?”
“Just this week-end,” Hephaestion explains. “I got to finish some work at home.” He doesn’t, but he needs at least some time away from the little four-legged freak before he has to request a psychiatrist on top of his cardiologist.
“Drive safely,” Mydeimos says. Hephaestion wishes he would at least try to make him stay, the same way he calls after Phainon when it rushes out of his arms when they’re both laying on the couch watching TV and the creature has a sudden impulse of knocking its fat head into Hephaestion’s legs. He hides the deep breath he needs to take into a cough. Yeah, a few days apart can do them nothing but good.
He leans down, presses a chaste kiss onto Mydei’s lips. Then, Phainon stares at Mydeimos with its head held up high. Mydeimos chuckles and kisses its forehead and Hephaestion thinks, you little fuck.
At least, with how possessive the thing is, he can rest assured no one will come close to Mydei while he’s gone.